Sanctuary for the Abused

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Restraining Orders May Restrain Nothing!

Restraining Order Pictures, Images and Photos

Victims & Survivors need to know... RESTRAINING ORDERS ARE NOT THE BE-ALL ANSWER!

Psychopaths & Narcissists as well as other pathologicals often ignore or breach the restraining order -- and police far too often do not follow up!


The increase in stalking cases a result of determined harassers looking for alternative methods to target victims

When it comes to harassment, there is a vast range of behavior. Much of it will not justify (or win) any lawsuits, but this doesn’t change the nature of what it is. And quite a few experts have described categories of harassers, and types of harassment, to help make some sense out of the confusion that most people feel about the issue.

Real harassers are abusers or predators who are out to exploit, and care only about their own needs and agendas.

A real harasser is someone who will continue to try to harass or predate despite sexual or other harassment law, and even after being given education about the seriousness of their actions, or the effects of their actions. In most cases, they will simply blame the victim. They rarely take responsibility themselves. They will just change their tactics so that they can continue to harass and exploit in such a way that the victim/s, or the law, can’t do anything about it.

One method for real harassers is stalking. Most forms of stalking are forms of sexual harassment because they are attempts to force a relationship with someone who is unwilling or unavailable. Stalking is the extreme, but covert, version of refusing to take ”No,” or “Leave me alone!” for an answer–you know, behaviors that were the catalysts for sexual harassment law.

Stalking has always been a problem, but experts will tell you that it is clearly on the rise.

I think the increase in stalking is partially a result of sexual harassment law, and real sexual harassers looking for ways to target their victims without fear of consequence for their actions. Because it is covert, it helps them get around sexual harassment law. It enables them to harass anonymously, and to more easily mask their motives and intentions. It also makes gathering evidence next to impossible for the victim, and without concrete evidence, there is no hope for them to even get an investigation.

On top of this, it makes the victim look paranoid, if not crazy, if they should report the problem to anyone.

In it’s most subtle forms (i.e. surveillance, sending anonymous “love” mail/ emails, hang-up phone calls), stalking can be like a chinese water torture. However, most stalking methods are more extreme, invasive, and destructive. (Breaking and entering, phone tapping, computer hacking, character defamation and slander, obscene mail or phone calls, etc.) Some stalkers will try to organize groups of people to assist them in their harassment campaign – called gang stalking or organized stalking. They usually seek out people in their victim’s community, utilizing the victim’s ”real world” community and/or Internet communities. In fact, stalkers often work to take control of, or destroy, a victim’s support network, resources, and options. This leaves the victim vulnerable, or even dependent on the stalker for survival, at least in the mind of the stalker.

Being stalked is NOT flattering – it is a form of psychological abuse and violence. And while stalking motives are usually sexual (or love obsessional), the stalking behaviors themselves may not be–that is another way real harassers can use it to get around sexual harassment law. (For example, watching someone over an extended period of time isn’t overtly sexual, at least not in of itself.)

Moreover, the psychological damage to the victim can be devastating. One expert writes,

”Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom he (or she) has no relationship (or no longer has)….Moreover, the separated acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but do taken together (cumulative effect).”

To most stalking victims, being stalked is like being put through a long, slow rape. For gang stalking victims, it’s like a gang rape. (The very insightful judge in the Christina Orozco case referred to her actions as akin to “murder.”)

And being stalked can be very frightening, regardless of whether or not the stalker’s activities are overtly violent. Physical attacks, even murders, can occur after long periods of ”more passive” stalking activities. Often, the violence is precipitated by the stalker’s being forced to face they have been rejected by their target.

Besides suffering the psychological damage, and damage to life, reputation, relationships, and options, most stalking victims live in fear that something will push their stalkers over the edge to physical violence.

Unfortunately, if a state or country recognizes stalking at all, this is mostly in the context of direct/overt violence, or clearly escalating violence. So, if a stalker avoids overtly violent acts, they can pretty much do as they please. In other words, if the stalker does not threaten or attack, a stalking victim is out of luck. They will not even be able to get a restraining order.

As long as they use stalking to disguise their motives, activities, and/or their identities, they are free from worry about being held accountable by sexual harassment law. And as long as they keep their stalking activities from being/seeming overtly violent, they will suffer no consequence from stalking law. Even better (for them), they can operate for as long as they wish.

And there is nothing the victim can do about it. (Suicides have been reported as victims use this as the only means they have to bringing an end to the harassment.)

It also makes stalking a good retaliation tactic for harassers who have been disciplined (i.e. been demoted, lost job) as many are using this as a way of getting revenge against an harassment target who filed a grievance against them – retaliation laws do not include stalking, either.

In my own situation, I took a course from the female professor who turned out to be a lesbian who quickly became interested in me. (That I’m not a lesbian didn’t deter her as she became obsessed with getting me to “try it” with her.) She began by making a pass, which she clearly saw right off the bat was a mistake, particularly since she did it in front of witnesses. But like most real harassers, she was not willing to give up. She simply revised her methods and began stalking me with an extraordinary determination. It is still amazing to me how far she went, and the depth and breadth or her obsession.

She used classic stalking tactics, such as surveillance and character defamation, the latter enabling her to destroy not only my reputation, but all my relationships and options, both personal and professional. She used cyberstalking extensively in her pursuit and surveillance, using this to watch me and try to interact with me at numerous Internet forums. She even organized groups of people to assist her (gang stalking), enlisting people not only in my “real world” but also in Internet communities I frequented, or she thought I might join. Because she was a department chair and a psychologist, no one questioned her character or motives.

Current stalking laws are woefully inadequate, and don’t even begin to confront the problem, let alone deal with it.

But even if the laws are revised to protect victims from the psychological violence of stalking, real harassers will simply find other ways to abuse. Any stumbling block placed before them, they will get around. It is a game to them. It is in their nature.


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shared by Barbara at 12:08 AM



Very good article and so very true!

Another tactic that is becoming increasingly popular and is not currently covered by the legal system is to post pictures, videos, and more on websites. Two that were used to harass me recently was a defamatory posting on Craigslist and an upload of a private photo on a porn site both of which he knew I would find out about.

I reported both to the police and they informed me that there was noting I could do because he one did not use names (though anyone who knows of the situation knows exactly who he was defaming) and two sexual pictures and videos that do not use faces are not covered by law.

The police did call him as a courtesy to me and let him know they are aware of his actions. Though because he now knows that I did see them (having the desired effect) and that he can not be held legally responsible I am sure that his game is just beginning.

Thank you for posting this article and I truly hope that someday soon the legal system takes stalking in all the various forms into account and holds the perpetrators accountable.

9:33 AM  

I hope my stalker's happy with me outing him on a sexual abuse forum. In his case prying eyes saw more than they bargained for when I started to tell my story. Now everyone knows his name and where he lives.


4:08 PM  

How many of us were raised with the golden rule? It's such a lie. It's yet another way that we "willingly" give access to psychopaths yet we now know that they are predators waiting for easy prey like those raised to believe that if you treat others well, they will do so in turn. This lie is also usually included with "god helps those who help themselves." These are very cultish sayings and they are manipulated so that those of us who are born with a conscience will work, work, work endlessly for psychopaths and their father the devil. How many of us have worked so hard and still it's never enough and they still find fault with everything we do. This article. Gee, I wonder why we still have people ending up as prey in these situations? Why? because the entire world is a lie and evil is real and there are many psychopaths and we read romance novels that say something like "underneath his rough exterior, he had a heart of gold." Or movies and magazines that tell us that we need to trust more, put ourselves out there more, or be more seductive or available.

When you finally start to wake up its usually after a horror show like this article, and then it's often too late to stop the train wreck. This information should be taught in kindergarten (taught by teachers hired only after an MRI checking for psychopathy proved they had a conscience).

I read something recently that stated that it's hard and takes time and effort to create something of value, but easy to destroy it. How true is this for those of us who now find ourselves in the aftermath of a psychopathic relationship. Our hope, money, credit score, reputation, loving friendships, brain cells are completely destroyed. It is amazing how this can be done but I read over and over how people who have been known to their friends and family and co-workers for years to be a loving and thoughtful person, can be completely lied about and destroyed by one short-term psychopathic relationship. How does this happen? Who the hell knows, but if the Bible is right, the devil (and his children the psychopaths), came here to steal, kill and destroy. I think for most of us having lived through a psychopathic relationship would agree that at least THIS part of the Bible is 100% TRUE.

4:26 PM  

I am being gang stalked by my abusive parents, and have had my life completely destroyed. I've lost my friends, family, job, and been homeless. In my case the community all know what is happening and are complicit. It's incredible the damage that one or two evil people can do when they have powerful connections. Please take a moment to look at my blog where I'm documenting my experiences:


4:16 PM  

I really appreciate your site for the information. I just feel out of place. You see I am the guy who is the victim of abuse and there are few places to go fro help for myself. Seems like everything is stacked against me since I am not a female (no offense meant to any of you ladies who are suffering at the hands of an abuser).

Just seems to me like we should be looking at Domestic Violence and abuse more in the light of the abuse not the sex of the victim.
In my case, my wife has a wonderful sympathetic story (and it is truly sad) that is how my narcissistic sociopathic wife hooked me. And she is a woman. And a latina. So as a man, again no offense to you ladies, it is all stacked against me. Add to that the fact she can cry rivers of tears on cue and has been doing this for years as a covert narcissist and you have a recipe for my complete destruction.

She obtains help from well-meaning friends, a sympathetic court system and women's violence organizations to grind me in the ground while she continues to harrass me personally, through these systems and with the help of her friends and in every other way possible. I have been accosted, physically beaten, had my finances stolen and basically systematically reduced to and almost helpless state.

Can you relate to this? And is there anyone there that would be willing to help? Do you ahve any advice or course of action I can pursue? You know, Sometimes, it really is the "good guy" who gets the shaft and from what I hear that aren't that many of us left. Give me some hope please?

With thoughtful regard,

11:20 AM  

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