Labels: abuser, come ons, lies, lures, narcissist, pathological, quotes, stock phrases

ABUSER RED FLAGS/ VICTIM RED FLAGS

• Jealous of time or resources you give others.
• Gets angry if you spend "too much time" with friends, family, or children.
• Insists that it is "a bad time" to talk to family on the phone.
• Feels that resources are "wasted" if given to children.
• Gets angry if you do favors for other people or give them things.
• Would rather throw something away than give it to someone else.
• Is disinterested in or feels threatened by your personal desires or goals.
• Finds your hobbies boring, pointless, unproductive, or a waste of time.
• Is uncooperative about attending parties or events that interest you.
• Picks a fight or creates a crisis just before an event that is important to you.
• States or implies that your interests should not interfere with spending time with them.
• Is rude or inconsiderate of others in a self-centered way.
• Insists on discussing something with you while you are trying to read or watch television.
• Expects you to be the one who answers the door or telephone.
• Expects you to drop what you are doing when summoned.
• Interrupts others while talking on a consistent basis.
• Will not act to accommodate others' convenience or comfort.
• Won't go outside to smoke
• Will not turn down TV or radio while others are talking.
• Is unconcerned and unapologetic if rude behavior is pointed out.
• Does not respect your right to make your own decisions.
• Insists that your decision "affects them" and therefore should be a "joint" decision.
• Gets angry or hurt if you don't take their advice.
• Criticizes or questions the wisdom of decisions that you make without their input.
• Considers their own logic or intellect to be superior to all others.
• Insists that their way is the "right way".
• Claims that their arguments are based on logic or sound evidence and that yours are not.
• Places no value on decisions made based on feelings or intuition.
• Believes that any opinion you have is invalid, illogical, hysterical, or selfish.
• Is completely intolerant of any criticism of their own behavior.
• Is confident that their employer and/or employees are all defective somehow.
• Considers your friends to be idiots.
• Extremely opinionated and critical of others
• Racist or sexist.
• Dogmatic about behavior in others.
• Unwilling to tolerate opinions that differ from their own.
• Has double standards for behavior.
• Is rude to your family.
• Dislikes your family.
• Has "trouble" at work.
• Is chronically unemployed or changes jobs frequently.
• Explains employment set-backs as some sort of victimization.
• Believes that their boss treats them poorly.
• Believes that their co-workers are working against them.
• Disregards laws or social customs that interfere with their own goals or pleasure.
• Sees no point in observing holidays or giving gifts.
• Is disinterested in following family or religious customs.
• Believes that people who work hard for a living are "suckers".
• Is scornful of the government or the "system".
• Uses illegal drugs.
• Is very concerned about their public image.
• Treats you better in public than in private.
• Gets angry at you if they believe that you have somehow made them look bad to others.
• Brags about you or your accomplishments to others, but never compliments you in private.
• Attempts to make you jealous or insecure
• Threatens to leave you.
• Hints or states that they have other lovers waiting on the side.
• Compares you to previous lovers.
• Admires strangers and compares you to them.
• Tells you that no one will ever care about you the way they do.
• Is jealous and suspicious.
• Accuses you of infidelity.
• Insists that friends of the opposite sex are trying to seduce you.
• States or implies that you got a job offer or interview because of your appearance.
• Doesn't want you to take part in an activity or outing because you might meet someone else there.
• Rushes the relationship
• Pressures you to move in together.
• Pressures you to have sex before you are ready.
• Proposes marriage early in the relationship.
• Does not respect your privacy
• Reads your diary or journal.
• Opens your mail.
• Goes through your drawers and desk.
• Manipulates others to achieve their goals
• Uses guilt trips.
• Does things that are dishonest or illegal.
• Attempts to coerce you into doing things that make you uncomfortable.
• Threatens suicide or homicide if you don't cooperate with them.
• Lectures you endlessly until you agree.
• Is easily angered at others who interfere with their activities.
• Engages in "Road Rage".
• Reactions are out of proportion to level of inconvenience.
• Impatient
• Is intolerant of children or animals.
• Will not get up to feed or change the baby.
• Is unwilling to have pets or children because of the mess or inconvenience.
• Shows preferential treatment between children (especially "natural" vs. "step" children).
• Believes that children don't deserve the level of treatment or support as adults.
• Insists that THEY are the victim in the relationship.
• Accuses you of being selfish, rude, self-centered, uncooperative, etc.
• Claims that you are the one undermining the relationship.
• Accuses you of not loving them or not caring about them.
• Threatens suicide or homicide if you leave them.
• Lack of empathy
• Inability to put themselves in another's shoes.
• Unwilling to provide comfort to others unless "blame" clearly lies elsewhere.
• Makes minimal effort to care for others when sick or injured while complaining about the inconvenience.
• Cruel to animals.
• Considers donations to charity a waste.
• Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in others/ or you that is not clearly visible.
• Turns up TV when you have a headache
• Insists on spicy food when you have an upset stomach
• Expects you to help with chores when you are feeling sick.
• Tears down your self esteem and erodes your confidence.
• Tone of voice unreasonably deriding or scornful for the situation.
• Questions your ability to do simple things.
• Asks you to make a decision and then rejects your decision. Often asking you to decide over again.
• Accuses you of being overly sensitive to criticism.
• Calls you names.
• Criticizes you openly.
• Interferes with or attempts to control your career.
• Pressures you to quit or change your job.
• Thinks that your employer interferes with your marriage.
• Thinks that your co-workers/employer/employees are defective somehow.
• Attempts to resolve conflicts you have at work for you.
• Seeks to "help you" with your career, and is upset if you don't cooperate.
• Attempts to choose your job or work projects for you.
• Punishes you or threatens to punish you for "misbehaving
• Strands you somewhere.
• Gives you the "silent treatment".
• Yells at you.
• Lectures you.
• Believes that a "discussion" about your relationship is more important that any other obligation or activity.
• Makes you late to work or social activities because they want to discuss something.
• Picks a fight with you at bedtime and then won't let you go to sleep for hours.

• Fear of failure, and extreme insecurity about your own competance
• Try hard to conceal or downplay any mistakes you make.
• Are afraid to be seen as stupid, lazy, or weak.
• Feel that you are "supposed" to be able to handle a situation or task.
• Fear that others will think less or you if you quit.
• Believe that no excuse is good enough for a mistake you have made.
• Willing to overlook other people's flaws or mistakes.
• Believe everyone else but you is perfect and has a good reason for making a mistake.
• Believe that you can help others "live up to their potential".
• Not trusting your own judgment.
• Feel as though your opinion is not as "worthy" as someone else's.
• Find a "logical" argument to disregard your "inner voice" or gut feeling.
• Assume that criticism you receive from others is valid.
• Need another person's input before you can make a decision.
• Not feeling that you deserve to be treated well.
• Are willing to go to great inconvenience and trouble to avoid causing someone else inconvenience.
• Don't want to appear "demanding" or to be considered a "trouble maker"
• Assume that if someone treats you poorly then you must have done something wrong.
• Expect and accept criticism when you have completed a task.
• Are unwilling to be disruptive to the relationship.
• Avoid discussing issues that you fear will upset your partner.
• Are unwilling to break off a bad relationship because you don't want to hurt your partner.
• Secretly wish that your partner would die, move away, find someone else, or offer to leave the relationship.
• Allow others to make most decisions.
• Let someone else make all the decisions with no input or discussion from you.
• Allow others to talk you into a decision you don't like.
• Make a decision to please others rather than yourself.
• Choose a course of action because you don't want to hurt a particular person's feelings.
• Find it easier to "go along" with others decision rather than stand your ground.
• Hide behind "womanly tasks" like cooking, etc. - rather than dealing with reality.
• Behave as though you agree with others, even when you don't.
• "Parrot" someone else's opinions or behaviors.
• Keep quiet when you disagree with something
• - Allowing someone to think by your silence that you agree with them even if you don't.
• - Thinking that the subject is not worth an argument.
• Act to "protect" others at your own expense.
• Won't break up with a significant other strictly to avoid hurting their feelings.
• Avoid saying what you want or need to say because you don't want to hurt someone.
• Accept blame that is not yours to protect someone else.
• Giving up things that are important to you to please others.
• Give up hobbies or activities that aren't shared or approved of.
• Give away or sell precious momentos because they "clutter up the place".
• Keep photos or momentos in storage rather than display them because your abuser doesn't like them.
• Isolate yourself from all people other than your abuser.
• Allow friendships with people your abuser dislikes to wither away.
• Visit or call family less and less because your abuser dislikes them.
• Spend less time with friends, family, or co-workers because it "takes too much time".
• Never go anywhere without your abuser.
• Conceal your abusers behavior from others.
• Believe that others "wouldn't understand" why a situation or behavior is "justified".
• Are embarrassed that you allow yourself to be treated this way.
• Have been asked or coerced by your abuser to not tell.
• Are afraid of being accused of "making them look bad".
• Take responsibility for things that are not your responsibility.
• "Help" resolve other people's conflicts by acting as mediator
• Apologize for things that OTHER people did.
• "Cover" for people who are not handling their own responsibilities.
• Accept more than your fair share of blame in a conflict.
• Apologize just so that the fight will end, not because you think you did something wrong.
• Fix, clean up, or conceal something done by someone else to avoid being accused of having done it.
• Attraction to authority figures.
• Attracted to the smart, self-confident, powerful people.
• Attempt to prove your worth to them.
• Are thrilled if they "bother" to notice you.
• Assume that their advice is sound.

Labels: abuse, abuser, blame, jealousy, lying, manipulation, projection, red flags, responsibility, victims

Thoughts from an Abuser

Labels: abuse, abuser, exploitative, inferior, mental, narcissist, psychopath, thoughts, use, vulnerable

• "If only he tried hard enough",
• "If he only really wanted to heal",
• "If only we find the right therapy",
• "If only his defences were down",
• "There must be something good and worthwhile under the hideous facade"/ God doesn't make evil people,
• "No one can be that evil and destructive",
• "He must have meant it differently"
• "God, or a higher being, or the spirit, or the Soul is the solution and the answer to my prayers".
  
 

"The abusers hold such thinking in barely undisguised contempt. To them, it is a sign of weakness, the scent of prey, a gaping vulnerability. They use and exploit this human need for order, good, and meaning - as they use and abuse all other human needs. Gullibility, selective blindness, toxic optimism - these are the weapons of theses beasts. And the abused are hard at work to provide it with its arsenal."

"It is true that he is chauvinistic and that his behaviour is unacceptable and repulsive. But all he needs is a little love and he will be straightened out. I will rescue him from his misery and misfortune. I will give him the love that he lacked as a child. Then his (narcissism, psychopathy, paranoia, reclusiveness, abusiveness) will vanish and we will live happily ever after."

• "The shelter, counselor, friends will help me out." (Services for the abused are notoriously lacking and often have no idea what to do. Persons who are disabled or financially hurting fall through the cracks frequently)
• "I can just bury myself in self-help books, family activities (cooking, crafts, the latest diet, exercise, etc) or go out with my friends and I will forget about all this. A well-lived life is the best revenge." (This completely overlooks the mental & physical devastation caused by PTSD. It is an avoidance strategy to avoid doing anything concrete about the abuse & facing reality)
• If the person has been abused long enough to develop disability (adrenal fatigue, fibromyalgia, lupus, other chronic autoimmune problems) they & friends may adopt an "ignore it" or "you can just get over it" stance during times when they are feeling good. (They will take a job they can't do, lose it and lose credibility & their insurance when the employer finds out they are actually sick. Advising anyone who is ill to continue to TRY to work is ABUSIVE.)
• They believe some government program will "take care of them" and when they realize it doesn't -- their friends & family minimize and invalidate them with "it can't be that bad" or "look to the next thing & be positive" or "maybe if you just..." talk. Again - ignoring reality.
  

"The affected entertain the (false) notion that they can compartmentalize their abusive (e.g., narcissistic, or psychopathic) behavior and direct it only at their victimizers. In other words, they trust in their ability to segregate their conduct and to be verbally abusive towards the abuser while civil and compassionate with others, to act with malice where their mentally-ill partner is concerned and with "Christian charity" towards all others.


They believe that they can turn on and off their negative feelings, their abusive outbursts, their vindictiveness and vengefulness, their blind rage, their "non-discriminating" judgment.


This, of course, is untrue. These behaviors spill over into daily transactions with innocent neighbors, colleagues, family members, co-workers, or customers. One cannot be partly or temporarily vindictive and judgmental any more than one can be partly or temporarily pregnant.


They judge and chide anyone who doesn't go along with their POSITIVE THINKING attitudes or who embraces reality rather than numbing it. Thereby passing on abuse. "To heal is to not feel" is their motto.


To their horror, these victims discover that they have been changed and transformed into their worst nightmare: into their abusers - judgmental, malevolent, vicious, lacking empathy, egotistical, exploitative, violent and abusive."

Labels: abuser, abusive, avoidance, magical thinking, naive, numb, pollyanna, reality, victims

• Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter.They're not just shelter and have valuable legal, financial and counseling resources available
• Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble.
• If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.
• Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made.
• Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.
• Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
• If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.
• Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape.
• Hide an extra set of car keys.
• Set money aside. Ask friends or family members to hold money for you.
• Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money & anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.
• Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.  
• If time is available, also take:
  Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)
  Titles, deeds and other property information
  Medical records
  Children's school and immunization records
  Insurance information
  Verification of social security numbers
  Welfare identification
  Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
• Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave.
• Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial.
• Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate. 

• Change your locks and phone number.
• Change your work hours and route taken to work.
• Change the route taken to transport children to school.
• Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.
• Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.
• Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.
• Call law enforcement to enforce the order.

• Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.
• Change your work hours, if possible.
• Alert school authorities of the situation.
• Consider changing your children's schools.
• Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them.
• Use different stores and frequent different social spots.
• Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
• Talk to trusted people about the violence.
• Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system.
• Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.
• Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.
• Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

Labels: abuse, abuser, abusive fathers, children, documentation, emotional abuse, exit strategy, financial abuse, getting help, getting out, journal, leaving, shelters, verbal abuse

Labels: abuser, controller, criticism, emotional abuse, guilt, narcissist, psychopath, sarcasm, truth, verbal abuse

pics on Sodahead

"Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life"

Labels: abuser, betrayal, confusion, guilt, narcissists, psychopath, ptsd, sociopaths, victims, walking on eggshells

Labels: abuser, co-parenting, coparenting, court orders, family court, female psychopathy, lying, narcissist, parental alienation, shared parenting, slander, smear campaign, sociopath

• Violates your personal space.
• Intimidates you by getting too close.
• Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.

• Sweeps you off your feet.
• Love at first sight.
• "You're the only one for me."
• "I have to have you." "I think about you all day / all night"
• Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged, sleeping together in less than 6 months or living together in less than 12 months.

• Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long.
• Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses.
• Protective to the point of controlling.
• Says he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares."
• Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school. Won't let you drive.

• Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho.
• Pumps up his fragile sense of self with sex.
• Imagines you threaten his manhood.
• Damages your self-esteem, demeans your growth, demands your silence.

• Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high.
• He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.

• Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately.
• He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry.
• He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.
• Blame Shifts; he's never responsible for what happens.

• Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim.
• Blames you for everything that goes wrong.
• Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you.
• Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive or sexual- acting-out behavior.

• Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need").
• Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.

• Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him.
• Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs.
• Speaks for you.
• He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.

• Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men
• Tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes).
• Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bitch") or as specific parts of anatomy
• Sees women only as sex-objects, uses prostitutes or has affairs
• De-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.

• He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid"
• curse and yell at you
• belittle your accomplishments
• manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics
• humiliate you in private or public
• Uses sarcasm and says it's 'humor.'
• regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or
• wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.

• An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot.
• Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car.
• He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a whore," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."

• Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives or other women often have an abundance of pornographic literature, internet bookmarks, magazines, or videos.
• They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.
• They may coerce you into doing things sexually you are uncomfortable with or wouldn't normally do and then say that you "liked it" or "asked for it."

• Refuses platonic relationship if dating
• uses "playful" force in sex
• uses sulking, sympathy or anger to manipulate you into having sex
• emotionally coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex
• demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or
• starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.

• Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, disabled weaker people or other women.
• Is insensitive to others' pain.
• Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you.
• Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave.
• Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you.
• Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).

• Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously.
• He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck" or "I'm out to get you now."
• Posts threats or defamatory material about you on the internet.

Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."

Labels: abuser, control, emotional abuse, emotional rape, fights, psychological, rules, terrorism, traits, verbal abuse