Sanctuary for the Abused

Monday, August 04, 2014

Inside the Mind of an Abuser


What you Need to Know
by Mary M. Alward

Abusers use warped logic to brainwash their victims. They use methods very similar to those of prison guards, who know that to control prisoners they have to have full co-operation. Subversive manipulation of the mind and destruction of the victim are perfect tools to enable abusers to succeed.

The Logic of Brainwashing
Abusers use warped logic to brainwash their victims. Subversive manipulation of the mind and destruction of the victim are the perfect tools to enable abusers to succeed.

The Process of Brainwashing
The abuser uses several methods of coercion to brainwash his victim. They are as follows:

Isolation
Abusers deprive their victims of social interaction with family members and friends. This is necessary to gain control over the victim.

Resistance
The abuser manipulates his victim to become mentally and physically dependent upon him, which reduces the ability of the victim to resist his abuse.

Threats
Abusers use threats to cultivate anxiety, despair and the ability to resist. Most often they threaten children, family members or friends with harm if the victim doesn’t comply with his demands.

Indulgences
Occasionally the abuser will comply with the wishes of the victim in order to provide motivation to comply with his every demand.

Omnipotence
The abuser suggests to the victim that it is futile to resist his demands.

Trivial Demands
Abusers strictly enforce trivial demands in order to create a habit of compliance in his victim.

Degradation
Abusers degrade their victims in order to damage their self esteem and make them think they are unable to face life on their own. Self esteem can be damaged beyond repair and the victim is often reduced to animal level concerns.


About the Abuser


The methods that abusers, both male and female, use to manipulate their victims are a natural part of their personalities. Abusers all share behaviors and thinking patterns. This labels them as dysfunctional, insecure and unable to have a relationship unless they are in complete control.

Abusers keep their victims in the dark about events that are taking place. They are most always in control of the finances, talk about the victim behind their back in order to cause them to become isolated and make plans that include the victim without consulting them. The abuser’s goal is to monopolize the victim’s time and physical environment and suppress their behavior. An abusive partner tells you what social events you can attend and who you can go with. He may insist you quit work and remain at home where he can keep an eye on you, or he may tell you that you can no longer participate in hobbies. Abusers often insist you move to a location away from family members, friends and other contacts that will give you support.

Abusers do their best to instill feelings of fear, powerlessness and dependency in their victim. Both verbal and emotional abuse heightens these feelings and they grow more pronounced as time passes.

The abuser’s system of logic is closed. She doesn’t allow her partner to voice opinions or criticize her in any way. She lets you know, without a doubt, that her word is law
Abuser’s Tactics
There’s a wide range of tactics that the abuser uses to debilitate the victim. If you recognize any of these tactics, a red flag has been raised.

Domination
Abusers are extremely dominating to the point that they want to control everything that the victim does. If they don’t get their way, they act like spoiled children. On top of that, they use threats to get what they want. If you allow your abuser to dominate you, you will lose your self respect.

Verbal Assault
The abuser tends to verbally assault their victim by calling names, degrading, screaming, threatening, criticizing, berating and humiliating. They will center their victim out in front of family and friends by taking small personality flaws and embellishing them to the extreme. They make snide remarks and use sarcasm to erode the victim’s sense of self-worth and self confidence. Making the victim look bad in front of others is an attempt to isolate the victim and keep them at their mercy. Then, the abuse worsens.

Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a slang term from the 1950’s but is the perfect word to describe one tactic of the abuser. The dictionary definition of gaslighting is to drive someone crazy. This is used to keep the abuser’s victim under control. The abuser will swear that events never occurred and that certain things were never said. The victim knows better, but over time will begin to question their sanity. Be alert to gaslighting tactics that can beat you down and make you think you are going insane.

Blackmail
The abuser uses emotional blackmail to get what they want by pushing your buttons. He plays on his victim’s sense of compassion, fears, sense of guilt and values in order to get his own way. He may refuse to talk to his victim or threaten to end the relationship or withdraw financial support if the victim is dependent on him for basic living necessities. Emotional blackmail is the act of working on the victim’s emotions so the abuser can get what he wants.

Constant Chaos
An abuser will keep the household and his victim’s emotions in total chaos by starting arguments and constantly being in conflict with other family members.

Abusive Expectations
This happens when the abuser makes unreasonable demands on their victim. They may expect their partner to reject everything in their life to tend to the abuser’s needs. Included can be frequent sex, forcing the victim to perform sexual acts that are against their will, demanding all of the victim’s attention or demanding that the victim spend all free time with the abuser. No matter how hard the victim tries to please the abuser, she will always demand more. The victim, whether male or female, will be constantly criticized and berated because they are unable to fulfill the abuser’s demands.

Unpredictable Responses
This includes emotional outbursts and extreme mood swings on the part of the abuser. If you partner likes something you do today and hates it tomorrow, or reacts to the extreme at an identical behavior by the victim, this is an unpredictable response. This behavior damages the victim’s self esteem, self confidence and mental well-being because they are constantly on edge, wondering how their partner is going to respond to their every move.
Living with a person who has unpredictable response is difficult, stressful, nerve wracking and it causes a great deal of anxiety that can lead to health problems. The victim lives with fear and security and has no sense of balance in their life. Abusers who drink excessively are alcoholics or drug abusers often have unpredictable responses to trivial events.

Inside the Abuser’s Mind

Abusers have a tendency to feel they are unique individuals (narcissistic) and shouldn’t have to live under the same rules as everyone else. However, the opposite is true. Abusers share many of the same thinking patterns and behaviors and use the same tactics to keep their victims under their control.

Blaming
Abusers tend to shift responsibility for their actions to their victims and become angry because the person caused them to behave inappropriately. The abuser might say, “If you hadn’t talked back to me, I wouldn't have had to hit you.” Don’t fall for it. The abuser did the hitting and no matter what you did, you are not to blame. He is blaming you for his shortcomings and do not believe that you are the one to blame for even one second.

Making Excuses
Abusers seldom take responsibility for their actions, but try to justify their behavior by making excuses. They may blame the abuse on a difficult childhood or a hard day at the office. Their mind-set tells them that they are never to blame for any negative behavior.

Fantasies of Success
Abusers believe that they would be famous and rich if the victim and other people weren’t holding them back. Because he believes his failure in life is due to others, he feels he is justified in retaliating in any way he can, including physical and emotional abuse. He belittles, berates and puts others down, including the victim, to make himself feel more powerful.

Manipulation
Abusers combine manipulative tactics, such as upsetting people to watch their reaction, lying and provoking arguments and fights among family members and his peers. He charms his victims and other people who he wishes to manipulate by professing that he cares and is interested in their well-being, when all he is doing is opening the door for a deeper level of abuse.

Redefining
The abuser will often redefine situations to blame others for his troubles. Abusers will seldom admit that they are wrong, or for that matter, less than perfect. It’s always someone else’s fault when they act inappropriately.

Assuming
An abuser’s thought patterns lead them to believe that they know what others, including their victim, is feeling and thinking. They use this warped logic to blame these people for their behavior. For instance, an abuser might say, “I knew you’d be angry about that, so I went for a few drinks after work to enjoy myself. Why should I come home to listen to you nag?”

Dependence
Believe it or not, abusers are emotionally dependent on their victim. This causes an inner rage that encourages the abuser to lash out. Because he is so dependent, he takes control of his victim’s life. This is the way they deny their weaknesses and make themselves feel powerful.

Symptoms of Emotional Dependency
Symptoms of emotional dependency include, but are not limited to, excessive jealousy, jealous rages and possessive actions that are usually sexual in nature. Abusers spend an excessive amount of time monitoring the action and movements of their victims. Often, abusers have no support network and lack those supportive roles that others depend upon. Another sign of emotional dependency is the extreme affect the abuser suffers if his victim leaves. He will go to any lengths to get the victim to return.

Rigid Gender Attitudes
Abusers in a domestic atmosphere tend to have extremely rigid attitudes about the role that their spouse should play in a marriage or common law situation. Wives may expect their husbands to fulfill all of the family’s chores, such as repairs and hold up his role as a father. Husbands may expect their wives to hold down a full time job, keep the house spotless, the laundry caught up, meals made on time and also tend to the kids’ every need. All of these examples are things that should be shared in a normal relationship.

Lying
Most abusers are liars. They lie to manipulate their victim by controlling information. They also lie to keep their victim, and others, off balance psychologically. This enables the abuser to gain control of every situation.

Withdrawal
Abusers have a tendency to put up emotional walls and never give out personal information freely. He keeps his real feelings to himself and is not interested in what others think of him. Abusers like secrets and are righteous and close-minded. An abuser always feels she is right in every situation.

Drama
Abusers, either male or female, can’t seem to develop close, satisfying relationships, or even bad relationships that last. They replace closeness with drama in order to make their life more exciting. They love watching others argue and fight and often do things to keep those around them in a state of constant chaos and upheaval.

Minimizing Actions
Abusers always minimize their actions and refuse to accept their mistakes. An abuser might tell his spouse who has a black eye, “I didn’t hit you hard enough to give you a black eye.”

Ownership and Possession
Abusers are extremely possessive and believe that they should get everything they want. They also feel they can do whatever they wish with their possession and abusers see their partner or spouse as something they own. They feel they are justified in hurting their victim by taking their possessions, attacking them mentally and physically and controlling all aspects of their life.

Anger Management
Most abusers have had a violent and abusive childhood in a dysfunctional family setting. These children are very likely to grow up into spousal abusers. They are taught from the time they are babies that violence is a way to settle disputes and get their own way. It’s a way to settle differences of opinion and they see abuse as normal. As adults, they won’t be able to find alternate ways of showing or channeling their anger. People who do not have a method of outlet for anger on a daily basis allow it to build to a point where it explodes. When this happens, the people closest to them become their sounding board emotionally, mentally and physically.

Rules
Abusers feel they are superior to others and don’t have to follow the rules of society. This is also the attitude of hundreds of criminals in prisons world wide. Inmates often believe that while other inmates are guilty of their crimes that they aren’t. Abusers feel it is always their partners who need counseling and that they can take care of their life without help or support from others.

Fragmentation
The abuser, whether male or female, does their best to keep their abusive behavior separate from the rest of their life. For example: abusers will beat their spouse and kids on a regular basis, but seldom physically attack anyone outside of their home. They also separate their lives psychologically. They may attend church on Sunday morning and play the role of a loving spouse and parent and then go home and beat their spouse and kids on Sunday afternoon. Abusers see this as acceptable and normal behavior and feel it is justified. Yet if they hear a report that someone else has abused their loved ones, they are the first to condemn them.

Verbal Communication
Abusers are seldom capable of a relationship that includes real intimacy. It is believed that they feel vulnerable when they are open and truthful with others. Abusers feel that it is up to their partners to turn feelings of anger and frustration into gratification and to fulfill their every need. Partners of abusers are essentially expected to be mind readers and know in advance the needs of the abusive spouse. When this doesn’t happen, the abuser feels insecure, unloved and rejected and rejection is grounds for emotional, mental and physical abuse.

Glorification
Abusers, both men and women, think of themselves as independent, self-sufficient, superior and strong. If someone criticizes them or says something that causes them to feel insulted, the feeling will cause them to react violently toward their victim. This is the only outlet that they know to use to quell feelings of inadequacy.

Being Vague
Abusers think and speak vaguely to avoid their responsibilities. When asked why they are late or where they’ve been, answers will be vague. If their partners pursue the reason, the abuser becomes defensive and strikes out in order to remain in control of the situation.

Abusers: Things You Need to Know

Red Flag Signals

Many people of both genders interpret early warning signs of abuse as attentive, caring and romantic. Here is a list of early warning signs of future domestic abuse.


Warning!

If you see any of these warning signs in your partner, be ever vigilant. For your own safety, it’s best to end the relationship immediately. It’s better to be alone than to be in a relationship where you are constantly abused in any way. Get help now!

SOURCE OF THIS VITAL INFORMATION - HERE

Labels: , , , , , , , , ,

shared by Barbara at 12:21 AM


Share

38 Comments:

This is really good! I feel really naive after the fact that I didn't know or recognize these signs. I suppose it's one of those things most of us don't believe will happen to us and in my situation I honestly thought I was in control of the situation.

There were so many times when he'd hit me, and he'd start crying. I still don't know if he mentally snapped or if he was really sorry and confused about what he was doing.

Good post
-Jessica
http://jessica-thedaysafter.blogspot.com/

3:23 AM  

Thanks for this. I'm really annoyed with Knock Out Abuse for keeping artist Shepard Fairey's logo after he has been shown on film being mentally and verbally abusive to his wife. :(

7:32 AM  

Thank you so much for this article. Everyone should read this because when you are the victim, the ignorance of those around you is certainly not bliss. It's surprising how many women condone the abuser's behavior without really realizing what they are doing.

7:34 AM  

As the daughter of parents who constantly fought, this has given me insight into what goes on in an abusers mind. My mother was the abuser in our family. Her childhood always cropping up as the cause of her dysfunctionality. For each paragraph I read above, I could think of an example when my mother carried out the abusive behaviour. She has since divorced my father, convinced that he had an 'affair'. She has left to settle with another man abroad! Leaving behind her two daughters and five beautiful grandchildren. Our father asked why we seem to be coping so well under the circumstances, having recently lost our mother... the answer quite frankly, is that the chaos left with her.

3:48 AM  

I have never read a better summative of all that encompasses an abuser, how they think and how they act.
Thank God for you Barbara!

5:30 AM  

I am a prison guard, and I am surprised at how my husbands thinking , speaking, actions are very similiar to the prisoners I see.
It a very embarrassing situation to be in.
I wish I had seen this info 25 yrs ago.
It' s mentally exhaustitng , and I have learned to shut down, it is like just being a shell, going thru the motions of everyday living..I am not in love w/my husband , and have not been for alot of

yrs, I cannot believe he doesn't see or feel it.
Everything in this article is true, he doesn't hit me anymore, but he still has horrible.hissy fits like a child.
He is so dependent on me for everything...he is helpless, I cant stand it, but I know.what happens when.we split, he drags the family into it, makes many scenes., threats.so much chaos, for along time...its mentally exhausting..I just gave up , but I don't keep my mouth shut, I don't believe him, it is almost comical and rediculus witnessing his behavior...it is so annoying.

10:25 PM  

"Yes, more and more now I just think it's an 'us and them' situation."

This is a quote from another forum on recovering from a psychopathic relationship. Very well said.

8:19 PM  

This is a great point from "psychopathfree" website:
"Avoid Argument With Predator

They're very good at controlling in a subversive manner. I've met ones who are able to argue no matter what you do, no matter what your stance may be, and no matter what the context.

For purposes validating your possible past experiences, and an increased ability to spot a predator before it’s too late…
Here's what I noticed:

They will push both sides of the argument, so whichever stance you choose to take they will be able to argue the opposite stance accordingly. What this shows is that they have no investment in any moral outcome/resolution, and have absolutely no investment in the argument itself – other than to aid an agenda which imparts you with an overall sense of weakness where you feel that you are somehow 'wrong', ‘stupid’, and/or 'bad'. Once you have integrated all these feelings and been degraded internally, you are far easier to control because the self-esteem has been damaged.

It can happen within a single conversation and it will go on forever..(I imagine most of you have experienced this)
It will continue as long as you know them, and they will bring up a multitude of ‘unresolved arguments’ in any given moment to regain control over you. Notice that they do not revive the subjects with any intention of resolving an old matter, they will do this simply for the purpose of an argument in itself.

The main purpose is that your soul is destroyed in the process, and furthermore your confidence to express any opinion in their presence is severely inhibited. If a person in such a situation for too long, all possible freedom of expression will be taken away. They will hold the key to both courts and it is very easy to spot these types of interaction. There is no way to ‘win’ this, and there need not be any desire to win – it is simply about being aware and allowing your self to freely comprehend the situation as it unfolds. With such a freedom you can easily walk away from these encounters, and can spot the predator before it even has a chance.

Do not engage them in argument no matter what they have implied; you do not need to prove yourself to a machine."

9:21 PM  

Thank you so much for this article. I finally GOT OUT and it is WONDERFUL. After 30 years, I am finally FREE. I wonder, though, if I will ever be able to trust a man? I instantly assume every man is abusive. I have no interest in dating or being in another relationship, but I assume EVERY man is abusive - the chashier at the grocery store, the tree trimmer, my co workers, etc. Will I ever get over this and be able to see men as anything but horrible animals?

11:02 PM  

I was abused sexually as a child for 16 years by both men and women, more recently i have been blackmailed by a women for financial gain to see my 2 children. After a 5 year relationship she left me because we had made a tree change and i a career change (she had never worked a day in 5 years) that meant adjusting our weekly spending habits, so basically we had less money for a period of 3 to 4 years. So on a day when i was at work, packed the house up and took off with the boys. I am currently going through mediation and the mediators have witnessed her first gand saying “if he gives me more money i will let him see the boys more...“ and i am powerless against her, i wonder if i was the female in this situation and she was the male, doing what she is doing now, how that would actually work our?. My point is in the article the abuser was referred to as “he“ on 4 or more occassions when it should be “they“ not gender specific, as take it from me and a hell of a lot of other men in australia, women are more than capable of emotionally or mentally abusing men.

2:27 PM  

Many times I have said on this blog "your abuser may be female." This blog does not discriminate as the gender of who the abuser may be.

2 sites you might like are:

http://www.shrink4men.com

www.facebook.com/MaleDomesticAbuse

12:08 AM  

I agree that the article should not specify one gender specifically in any case. It does state that any abuser, regardless of gender, is capable of using all forms of abuse - however, it does seem to suggest that the more violent forms of abuse are done by males. This is likely because of societal views that are skewed - the assumption that women aren't capable of causing bodily harm is one of the worst. While it is true that more men are violent than women, it does not mean that women are not violent. In fact, it's likely that more are than we realize because of other social stigmas - a man seeking help for abuse is sometimes still seen as weak or shameful. It's totally wrong. But because of the macho expectations placed on men, they are often afraid to speak out and this has to stop. We will never be able to remedy te issue if there is a gender bias in place. One thing I did notice, even from you, is that you disregard women as physical abusers. Your first sentence confirms your experience but your last sentence omits it "women are more than capable of emotionally or mentally abusing men"....hello? Aren't you forgetting about something? Even in victims, the macho standpoint still remains, and in order to create better rights for male victims, we need to start by admitting a few things and putting the ego aside.

3:18 PM  

There are more men out there who aren't abusive than those who are. You were in a traumatic relationship but with support, counseling, etc., you will be able to get past this...baby steps - good luck

3:20 PM  

Don't forget that men condone abuse from women also. Search "traumatic bonding" for some insightful articles on the psychology behind staying with abusive/narcissistic partners - crazy stuff!

3:25 PM  

Anonymous -

I didn't write this article. This blog is merely information. If you click the link to the SOURCE at the bottom of it, you will find the contact information for the writer - which is where your comment should go.

This blog runs many articles about female abusers and is in no way gender biased.

12:49 AM  

Change the "he" to "she" & you will be spot on. The actual facts are that for intimate partner domestic abuse: women perpetrate the abuse 40% of the time, 40% of the time it is mutual. In only 20% of cases is it solely the man's fault.

Since women always get off with their pussy pass I would suggest the following for men. When she starts, beat her to death with a baseball bat.. You are going to be blamed anyway, make it worth your while.

9:17 PM  

The day society stops seeing things as male or female and recognize those as persons who are abusive will be the day victims may take a step forward. I know of a couple. Their situation may not be unique. The husband is the abuser. The wife one day gets the "emotional strength" to leave fearing for the unborn child's welfare. The husband retaliates by playing the victim. He humiliates her publically to anyone who will listen. They listen because he is
handsome and a military man. He publically degrades her tells everyone shes paranoid schizophrenic then bi polar,
whatever seems to be the thing that will recruit his new team member gang of bullies. Woman believe him they
enjoy beating down other woman especially a pregnant one.
They believe they are forming a relationship with him and can see a future of instant family a baby too w/o labor pains. So you see...now the abuser is both male & female yet the victim is a female...her unborn child a victim too
may be male or female. The husband goes to a "Men's legal center" he hires a male to fight his wife the victim in court. He once told her "youre just a pod to make a baby for me". He tells the mens legal lawyer how crazy his wife is he really packs it on. The lawyer wants to believe him. The lawyer sees a handsome young man a military man. He will believe anything he's told. Is justice being served? The laws on his side is justice blind...he's so handsome. He's in the military but that was a con too. Two years of service some in the mental hospital no combat medical retirement and a prescription to a laundry list of drugs. Legal opiods. Yes he was a junkie till age 30. Nothing to do he schemed his way into the military. People wanted him to succeed he's so handsome. The wife a woman with an advanced degree is suddenly being treated less than human. She is nothing compared to his good looks. In our society good looks trump being the male or female victim. If youre the abuser and you are the looker youre the winner. People easily want to believe and take sides because they have their own invested motive. Domestic violence police are human too a female detective may favor the abusive husband because he's goodlooking in the military. What if the wife was of another race not white not all american. What if the judge is a racist the cop is a racist. She could be Asian fillipino, black, bi racial. So many aspects. Things may never truly be what they might seem unless its in youre best interest that it deems so.

12:46 AM  

This article is amazing. I have just ended an abusive relationship. I was always( and still am) a strong woman, working two jobs to support my only child at the time, I thrived on success, even having a college degree today( working through it while dealing with my abuser, and pregnant with twins and raising my first child. EVERYTHING in this article is exactly what I was dealing with. I took my abuser back( only once), maybe bc we had a tragic event of losing one of our babies, I really don't know the answer, did I love him, yes of course, but I also loved my first child's dad too, and he was an amazing man. Another thing abusers hate is anything that has to do with your PAST. I am super glad I read this article, and I will save this in a file on my computer for if I get a weak day then this will remind me of why I left him in the first place..

7:03 AM  

OMG!!!!!!!! Almost every paragraph relates to my current boyfriend! It has gotten worse! I am in constant disarray! I walk on eggshells! This man is a bully a liar deceiver, sexually mentally abusive for the 15 years I've known him. I have left my abuser and gone back I can't even count! Oh the charm and broken promises! I love this man yet I know I need serious help! I have gone to counseling for years! I stopped going because of the shameful nature of my situation I am greatful to have read this article! I am afraid to fight w him! I except the fact that my life is unmanageable! It is still very difficult!!

I thot that this was normal for a while until he gave me a black eye! I mean I can write a book of all the turmoil that he has caused my daughter!

4:45 AM  

BOTH of my PARENTS are CHRONIC ABUSERS,chronic mental,emotional and verbal abusers ( most especially of ME ),I am 32 years old and BOTH of them have been severely abusing me mentally,emotionally and verbally MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE up to now at age 32.It NEVER stops! It NEVER comes to an end ! By now I have figured it out and have come to realize that THE ONLY WAY to FINALLY STOP IT FOREVER is to CUT OFF ALL TIES with EVERYBODY in my whole biological family/family of origin FOREVER/PERMANENTLY! I even want to GO INTO HIDING from all of them FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE by changing my whole identity,stuff like that.


ALL forms of ABUSE and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE is not just limited to COUPLES, ALL forms of ABUSE and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE occur also in FAMILIES ( FAMILY SETTINGS/SITUATIONS/ENVIRONMENTS, and in FAMILY DYNAMICS ) I know this is FACT and TRUE from my own personal experiences IN MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN/BIOLOGICAL FAMILY, I have been a victim of both chronic mental,emotional and verbal abuse- ( I would call it SEVERE,and just like/comparable to SEVERE CULT BRAINWASHING or SEVERE PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE waged against me since I was old enough to understand language )- and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ( what went on in our house also comes under DOMESTIC VIOLENCE )all done by BOTH OF MY BIOLOGICAL PARENTS ! They are 2 ABUSERS that ended up finding each other and MARRYING each other! BOTH of them are ABUSERS ! BOTH of them have alot of the characteristics that are listed in the list of ABUSER CHARACTERISTICS above.


My life is pretty screwed up by now ( and right now ),alot of it if not most of it because of them.


It took me just about this long ( 32 years of age ) to come to full realization of how both of them REALLY are and that BOTH of them are CHRONIC ABUSERS, I guess this is so because it's like you have been so BRAINWASHED by them ( their PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE ) your whole life that it can take this long to FULLY REALIZE and ACCEPT what you are REALLY dealing with,with BOTH of your BIO PARENTS.




ALL forms of ABUSE and also DOMESTIC VIOLENCE is not just limited to COUPLES or going on between COUPLES only, they also go on in FAMILIES/in the FAMILY DYNAMICS and between PARENTS and THEIR CHILDREN also!


ALL of the MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS and SERVICE PEOPLE that I have seen so far don't even take it SERIOUSLY at all when you are ABUSED by YOUR PARENTS!



I am a victim of chronic severe mental,emotional and verbal abuse and domestic violence and battering, I also consider myself A BATTERED WOMAN ( because that is REALLY what I am ,I really fall under that category/label too,except it was ALL done to me by BOTH of my PARENTS and not a intimate/romantic/sexual partner )


I really wish that everyone and society and all of the domestic violence associations/activists,hotlines and websites and all MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS/WORKERS/SERVICE PROVIDERS would stop treating and seeing all of these issues as just occuring between COUPLES only!



I have been a victim of CHILD ABUSE when I was a child,the abuse has continued up to now ( at age 32 ) in the form of severe,chronic psychological,emotional and verbal abuse that NEVER comes to and END/STOP for good, and I am a victim of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and I consider myself as also coming under that category/label BATTERED WOMAN and I have NEVER even been in ANYKIND of a RELATIONSHIP with a GUY/MALE ( or FEMALE either, I'm NOT a lesbian FYI ) yet for that matter! Not everybody who has been ABUSED by their parents turns out to be PROMISCUOUS, I didn't turn out to be PROMISCUOUS and I was ABUSED by my father ( we NEVER had a GOOD or HEALTHY or NORMAL relationship with each other, up to this day I still absolutely cannot stand the man, I really think he is DISGUSTING ( he REALLY DISGUSTS me ),A BRUTE,REPULSIVE,A PIECE OF CRAP/TRASH,A LOSER,A CHRONIC ABUSER,A CHRONIC BATTERER etc )



12:43 AM  

I need some help, how do I stop the brainwashing? I have been abused my whole life, first by my father and 3 brothers when I was growing up. Then married an abusive husband. Now trying to heal, so hard to stop the ways I have been brainwashed to believe.
right now i am trying to stop believing that if I tell what happened I will be punished. How do I stop this. has anyone been able to do it?

Lost

1:22 PM  

Wasn't going to post now I am. My "wife" constantly puts me down. Uses our son as blackmail against me. Calls me a shit Dad accuses me of cheating (yet she goes out without her wedding ring on while im in afghan). Shifts the blame for everything on to me. I have to support her taken on her debts I pay for everything but if money is tight its my fault even if she has spent money on shit we dont need.

She threatens to leave me constantly half the time I have no idea what im saying sorry for to get her to stay.

But if she leaves she wins. Shell get custody. Get half my money and pension. To top it off I wont get to see my son because ill be back to living in the accomidation block.

So basically damned if I go damned if I stay. Guess being happy is out of the question.

4:09 PM  

My daughter is in this situation. She has had no contact w any friends or family. Her number has changed an now i do not know were my daughter an grandson live......i do not know what to do for her....i want to help an protect my daughter...she wouldnt listen cause i think she has been brain warshed....i can help her in every way..she doesnt need to face this alone..i dont know how to help her...i pray each day is the day she calls so i can help....any ideas on how to get my daughter an grandson out if this....thanks

11:16 PM  

i have lived within an abusive , jealous , controlling , marriage for 16 years now . it is becoming intolerable and i have had my best clothes ruined , my hair chopped , i have been humiliated and she always turns any females who show any liking for me totally against me by poisoning their minds . it leaves me depresssed and sick to the pit of my stomach . i know she will never change .

3:28 PM  

Now that I'm out of my abusive relationship - looking back and reading this is almost like another weight off my shoulders. Once I broke from the marriage, I felt as if I'd been brainwashed. And sure enough, I really was!! My ex-husband showed all but 2 of the warning signs. I wish I had found this website before getting married.

2:37 PM  

Thanks for the info.

4:36 PM  

One of the most emotionally abusive traits is that a domestic abuser will turn his spouse's family against her. I have an 87 year old mother that my spouse calls with his "Mr. Niceguy" fascade, and even sent her flowers. I lost my dad in 2004 and brother in 2007. Standing up against a domestic abuser is daunting. My litigation for a divorce with a protective order has taken so far over 3 years in Oklahoma. The victimization also extends to Familt Courts like in Tulsa ... over 40 hearings and status conferences, and I'm still not divorced! However, the most tragic aspect is how my abuser has turned my mother against me with his manipulative disguise. I think there need to be better laws so a victim's family cannot be manipulated by an abuser.

2:21 AM  

What can help abusers change? therapy and if you cant afford that, than what?

8:07 PM  

Nothing. Nothing helps them.

YOU need therapy for JUST YOU. And to leave asap

8:26 PM  

This is a very good article but I can't believe that there is NO hope for people who are abusers and this is what I see missing. There has to be some sort of training/therapy for abusers to have self awareness to their destructive actions. Otherwise, all is lost for their lives, as well as for their victims. There is research to show the common personality traits of these people, surely there is some sort of research as to how to re-educate the minds of the abusers. It seems like they lack awareness of the consequences of their actions, which are as destructive to them as the victims. In these cases, all are lost.

12:37 PM  

Wow.very helpful and informative. Definitely helpful :)

12:03 AM  

"Pussy pass"??? WOW! Sounds like you may have some of your own issues to address in counseling. Let's just acknowledge that it can happen to ANYONE...by ANYONE!

5:41 PM  

FACTS about Domestic Abusers:
- Most domestic abusers (89-90%) do not have a college degree. Most have high school or a GED at best.
- Most domestic abusers are male
- Most domestic abusers lie and smear the victim when they are charged. **RED FLAG** - a guilty abuser will almost always smear the victim in an attempt to avoid a criminal record, unless they are truly remorseful and want treatment, then they plead guilty early.
- a sign of a dangerous abuser is SEVERAL domestic assault charges against the same victim, continuing prosecution without lessening of charges by the district attorney or crown attorney (sign of a strong case)
- domestic abusers get arrested again and again and not necessarily for assault charges - usually Driving While Intoxicated, Drug and Possession charges
- domestic abusers lie, constantly, to everyone.
- domestic abusers have histories of infidelities BUT accuse their partners of infidelity
- domestic abusers usually have had children with more than one female and/or have been married more than once.
- domestic abusers are drawn to jobs that require charm and false fronts such as sales
- domestic abusers usually have strange sexual issues or are sex addicts
- domestic abusers usually abuse a woman for an average of SEVEN years before they are caught.
- true domestic abusers will continue to ignore court conditions, contact and harass, threaten the victim or woman, may rape her and re-assault her as punishment for her seeking assistance from the police
- domestic abusers gain pleasure from evading authorities and usually brag about this
- domestic abusers leave clues as to their plans for abuse before they abuse - there is always a trail in hindsight
- the MOST dangerous domestic abusers have used MORE than one of the following violent lethal tactics against a woman:
*strangulation or choking
*punching
*smothering
*anything that causes a head injury (pushing into a surface, blunt force trauma from a fist or an object)
HEAD INJURIES AND STRANGULATION ARE THE NUMBER ONE INDICATORS OF DANGEROUSNESS IN A DOMESTIC ABUSER

IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN CHOKED OR HAVE SUSTAINED A HEAD INJURY YOUR RISK OF DEATH IS TRIPLED.

1. STRANGULATION CAROTID ARTERY PRESSURE = DEATH WITHIN MINUTES

2. HEAD INJURIES
= BRAIN SWELLING or HEMMORRAGE = DEATH WITHIN MINUTES

When a district attorney wants to take a true domestic abuser to trial, and any of the above exist (strangulation or head injury in the victim), they really want the abuser convicted, because the literature and research supports this - these types of injuries are synonymous with lethality in domestic violence situations and present with the most risk factors in terms of re-offending.

2:50 AM  

Wow, this I article describes my husband perfectly. Sadly, I really love him but I know that this marriage is just not healthy for me. After 20 years, I'm going to have to leave. I'm so scared.

8:43 PM  

The advantage is that you know have the wisdom through experience, you ever see a trace of these traits run a mile don't take the risk!!

10:22 AM  

I am a female and my abuser is female I was mature enough to read this article and appropriately relate it to my individual situation, it's nothing to get angry about the word he was used, the same style if writing is used in the bible but refers to all of man kind. You clearly have angry issues get help! Or at least keep the fuck away from me. Your behaviour reflects how unhappy of a person you are I pity you

10:25 AM  

I feel so lucky I got out in 4 months. The rages he fell into around his jealousy, convinced I was cheating on him, the names he called me! You see, I misunderstood. Apparently, I was supposed to be a perfect 10 for this man who was out of shape, balding, unemployed since his arrest for the abuse-and at 45 has a testosterone level of 240 (that's more akin to an 80 something man). At a size 0, he called me "chubby"! While he suffers gynocomastia, I OWED HIM perfect breasts. Because I did not deliver on these sexist demands of physical perfection (for a smoker bellied faced 45 year old) I was of course cast as a whore. This all makes sense, right? NO. This is verbal abuse looks like from a typical sad man who has no credit, no money, and his 75 yr old mom buys his furniture because he's broke.

What's it like you do think to be that woman, As in the mother that raised my ex monster abuser? How can that woman look at her son while knowing he has violent rape fancies of his exs, A history of assaulting poor Denise, And the others,,, so sad so many lives he terrorized this David Waldaman, I hope to god his other victims have recovered and are again living, free, and happy!!!!

I'm talking the kind of abuse where besides calling you a whore and that you need to have a bald shaved pussy for him so he can feel like he's with 12 year old girl. Or boy. So after I make my plan and leave this wonderful man... per the literature.. he threatens to kill himself. Um, ok.. One safer woman out there!

Sadly, he didn't take his life after but he did lose his job, get arrested, and now has an open case in the criminal system that will keep rocking for a year on those background checks companies to. SO NO JOB FOR YOU, ABUSER!!!!

Life works in mysterious ways. ::))

2:41 AM  

How do i post this on facebook??

10:16 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home