Sanctuary for the Abused

Sunday, March 15, 2020

How A Narcissist Reacts to a Disaster or Illness in Your Life

by Kathy Krajco

Into virtually every life comes disaster. Bankruptcy, serious illness, divorce, getting laid-off or fired, failure of any sort -- you name it, whether through your own fault or not.

How will a narcissist in your life react to the situation?

Add it up: You mean nothing to him or her. You are just an object to exploit for their aggrandizement. They have no human feelings for you (despite the occasional put-on) whatsoever. And now you are more vulnerable than ever.
From what I've observed and heard, I dare say that this is the mistake everyone abused by someone in their immediate family makes: they expect the narcissist to react to a crisis the way a normal human being would. Your plight would tug on a normal person's heartstrings, even if you were an adversary. So, he or she would let up on you under those circumstances. Yes, even adversaries will let up on you, because they see you are no threat to them under the circumstances.

But a narcissist reacts the opposite way a normal human person does.
In this, narcissists are only following the same perverse pattern they always do: instead of being appeased by efforts to appease them, they react with a rage; instead of being drawn to what evokes sympathy, they abominate it and react with contempt; instead of being grateful for favors you've done them, they react with hatred (for this proof that they are not God Almighty in your helping them). In short, they react backwards to everything. So, why should we be surprised when a narcissist exploits some catastrophe in our lives to malign and abuse us with shocking inhumanity?

The victims of narcissists get blind-sided by this because narcissists are from the planet Pluto. They are NOT acting on normal human premises. So, it's not about your plight: it's all about THEIR ego. So, they see this as NOTHING BUT an opportunity to vaunt themselves on you, period. In other words, they aren't acting on normal human premises; they are acting on narcissistic premises. Those are the premises of PREDATORS. They react to vulnerability the way any predator does = by salivating.

If possible, they will make a big show to the rest of the world of being your savior, while behind closed doors they are beating the you-know-what out of you and trying to drive you to suicide -- just because they know you're trapped in the situation.

As I've often said before, I'm convinced that the only reign on their conduct is what they think they can get away with.

And that changes from day to day.


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shared by Barbara at 12:06 AM



Hello. This article could have been written about my N mother. My oldest sister (my mom's first born daughter) lost her son in a motorcycle accident in 2008. Needless to say, it was the darkest and most heartbreaking time in my sister's life (and for the rest of us, too). Did my mother support my sister? Was she there for her? Did she offer any consoling words or support? NOPE to all three questions. My mom said "I grieved for three hours and I'm dont" and she meant it!! She didn't go see my sister and got mad at the rest of us for being there for her and consoling her. My mother even refused to go to the funeral because it was uncomfortable for HER. It wasn't about her, it was about being there for my sister when she needed her mother most. My mother didn't care.

10:32 AM  

Wow - more validation about my N mother. I have food allergies that went undiagnosed. One difficult episode where my breathing was labored and my heart rate went sky high led me to go on my own to a recommended internist who decided to do some cardiac testing. It was going down the wrong path and of course my cardiac tests were fine. But - the test cost $100 at the time. N Mom said she would pay for it but when the bill came, she took me in a room away from everyone and said since "nothing" was wrong with me that I must have an emotional problem and she should not be expected to pay for the test. It's not the cost that was the problem for me - it was her deciding and telling everyone that I was faking life threatening situations just to get myself attention.

This incident bowled me over. I eventually found my way and am doing fine without the offending foods. But that incident bothered me for a long time. The callous attitude and even anger that I would need something and not have all my energy going toward her.

Thank you for the facts and clarity. I'm glad for a place to share this story.

9:53 AM  

I had diverticulitis by 11 year old daughter was my company as I drove myself to the hospital and he stayed home with friends. I had BC, his sister took me to one surgery, his friend the second surgery. I drove myself to Chemo/Radiation 50 minutes each way for every treatment. I have bone on bone arthritis in my hips, he did take me for my hip surgery but thought he could pull up to the hospital and beep the horn on my discharge and I'd be waiting outside. I had to threaten the nurses to get someone to get me down stairs or I was walking, I knew the wait was going to set him off. Get home and within 2 days post surgery he woke us all up screaming that I did nothing around the house and that the house was a mess. Duh I was in the hospital for 5 days, sorry. My daugher stuck up for me and that was the last he had anything to do with her, that was 12/2010.

9:13 AM  

Hello. This happened to me twice. The first time I was in hospital after a breakdown. My ex narc came down every week to visit me and even came to my psychology appointment to see how he can support me. the next day he said I cant do this anymore. Silly me allowed him back into my life after that and he did it to me again. This time my mum was in hospital with a broken ankle. I asked if he could just be there fore me. He said of course. I have been there more than other male in your life. I have done more for you than anyone. I think I believed that. The next day he disappeared. Not to be seen of heard of since. That was 3 weeks ago.

6:36 PM  

My mother suddenly died in our home 6 years ago. My NPD wife and I witnessed her tragic death. My wife watched my desperate attempts to revive my mother for 30 mins until paramedics arrived.

I was granted three weeks grace before her abuse resumed. But this time, it was like nothing I'd ever previously experienced and has only gotten worse with every day that passed since.

I remember literally begging her to stop her abuse. My plea just fed her insatiable need to inflict more and more damage. And damage she has inflicted from years of her relentlessly vile abuse.

I'm still here too, I feel trapped because of many of the same reasons that those of us stuck in abusive relationships feel they are held captive. The insideousness of her behaviour has sucked the life out of me. My career, friendships, relationships with my family, have all suffered - been shattered.

I desperately want out, but if I leave it means leaving my daughter in the care of a psychopath. And I'm not willing to abandon my only child.

Authorities are typically dismissive and non believing, and my wife is (predictably) chameleon-like in nature. Her public demenour is vastly different compared to the evil, monster I contend with on a daily basis behind closed doors

I could write a very, very lengthy account detailing her behaviour, but it has already been done numerous times. The similarities between those with NPD is frighteningly similar. So much so one could be forgiven for wondering whether they are members of an underground club, but a club whose membership is restricted to a very sick group of people.

The article was spot on in many ways. My wife almost always chooses the opposite path to the one that you'd reasonably expect. On the ocassions she chooses the human path, it feels forced and is only fleeting. Within minutes she has reached her limit and reverts back to laying the boot in without remorse. As there is never any remorse. She is devoid of a conscience.

Like the author said, my wife is from Pluto, but I'll also add that she's an alien - not human. She doesn't seem to possess any human qualities that can be commonly viewed as part of the 'human condition'.

It honestly scares the hell out of me now. Some time ago, my wife started saying that she wishes me dead. I believe her too. She's a prime example of what a narcissist truly feels about those unfortunate enough to cross their path.

Life with a narcissist is like living in hell. I'm not exaggerating either... It's hell. Pure hell.

8:02 AM  

After 20 years of abuse at the hands of my NPD husband, I found the courage to divorce. I found this blog and it has answered my questions of what kind of monster I got away from. His emotional and physical abuse was10 times worse when I was sick or vulnerable. He had the opposite of sympathy or empathy, it enraged him that I was not able to meet his needs. He refused to take me to the hospital when I went into labor. He called me insensitive for waking him up! I had to wait 5 hours while he slept, then another hour while he showered and made coffee.
Another time He broke my wrist after knocking me down and told me I was trying to make him look bad for wanting to go to a doctor. My bone died!
He had no problem attending church and/or Bible study after denying me help while me or the kids were ill. No one outside our home knew the truth.
Narc's will use your vulnerability as an opportunity to hurt you and I beleive kill you. They will then attend your funeral and cry the loudest.....

6:58 PM  

I think also the N sees the sick person as 'demanding attention' (as if they had a choice in the matter), and object of jealousy (when they receive attention from others, hence the huge number of N's who fake illness for attention) and also as them (the N) being associated with something 'faulty' or 'imperfect' in the sick person.
My N father seemed to have a similar problem in following through any medical problems we had as children. I am hard of hearing and remember having heaps of hearing tests, after which I was recommended hearing aids - which never came. My sister had all the dental work done for having a brace fitted to her teeth (extractions and the like) yet no brace was ever fitted. She also has problems with her feet which could have been rectified with shoe inserts as a child but are now permanent. Again, I remember her having foot X-rays and being told what she would need. Again no action. I wonder now if, when we had the braces or the hearing aids, it would have made us visibly 'defective' in his mind? He could go to all the tests and look like a great Dad, but having us actually WEAR something that made us different was a step too far?
Interestingly his final break with all of us occurred when my sister (age 10 and, up to that point, the Golden Child) was hospitalised with kidney failure.

4:01 AM  

Our son had almost died and was in intensive care for 2 weeks. Our daughter went into hospital shortly after with an appendix. I was splitting time between a recovering son and the hospital. This is when my N husband beat me and kicked me in the head. I called police and they took him away for the night (domestic :p)...The next day he cut off all access to our bank accounts because he had lost sleep and it was affecting his work so I was unacceptable. I have cancer. It is terminal. I didn't get help earlier because I thought the blowback would be worse. It isn't. Get out while you can.

5:10 AM  

He always said I was a pain in his ass, he made me feel so horrible everytime I got sick it took so much for me to go have a hysterectomy and the comments he made made me so upset and nervous we had to leave the hospitaland cancel I was so alone so I had to reschedule it take myself and my 12 yr old daughterstayed with me. she was my only support.i feel bad about that too.she deserved a better parent team. when I woke from surgery later that day I was so out of it I knew I was about to pass back out and I saw him I said you can leave now im going to sleep.i was out. I had to hire a babysitter and arrange people to care for the kids because he wouldn't think of them . he used these times to go drinking even more and play the field. the day I went home from gallbladder surgery with an 11 inch stapled stomach I had to take the kids 6yrs to 7 months to the grocery store to get food I could hardly move and one night sleeping on the couch because I couldn't make it up stairs yet I woke in horrible pain and was yellig for him to get me my pain meds he got mad at me for waking him up THATS BEENMY LIFE AND LOVING A MAN WHO IS SELFISH BEYOND HUMANE

9:29 AM  

When this happened twice it was the catalyst to me searching for what this was all about. Only if someone was watching does the sociopath do anything "good". Even when I explain this to family they still keep saying marriage is for life except for unfaithfulness, but in reality is neglect and this kind of treatment LOVE? He never was faithful in his heart. We don't like to be viewed as bad, that is why so many stay thinking love will conquer. But if someone was tricked by false presentation into marrying evil, does God want you to stay and endure it as punishment for your naivety, or does not the bible say, if you can be free from slavery, do so? We get no support from friends or family because the enablers will feel guilty! That's the only reason, they are cowards but we have to be stronger. <3

12:38 PM  

This was the part in his behaviors, that I couldn't comprehend at the time. Not until I learned about emotional abuse. Finding out that his heartless action and words in my times of despair were on purpose and boy...I've got quite a few examples but the worse by far...

i got really ill spring 2013.
I have asthma and from time to time I do get a severe attack. but this time it was different, I knew something was not right and I sensed that I was dying. The NEX called for a doctor but since my body was giving me signs my life was in danger. I felt this frightening strange pressure on a specific area in my body, like soon all body fluid would run out of me( later I learned this is common for someone dying) So I had him call for an ambulance for I knew the doctor wouldn't be here on time.

When I got to the emergency room, doctors were trying for hours to help to decrease the spasm in my airways, nothing worked the way it should and the nurses feared I wouldn't make it.

Finally after hours the doctor decided to put me in a coma and on artificial breathing.
They kept me in the coma for six days until finally my life was not in danger anymore.

My poor parents at my bed so scared that they would lose me and off course the make believe NEX husband( can you imagine all the attention he got? That poor poor man, worried sick about losing his wife and being left with two kids...)

Until they woke me up...
And now all the attention was on me.
Was in the hospital for another week and the doctors were amazed by my quick recovery even though they expected at least six months to fully recover physically, emotional recovery would probably take much longer.

I will leave out his behavior while still in the hospital.

Due to the coma, which causes strength loss of muscles and the mayor attack on my body of the asthma attack itself. I needed rehabilitation three days a week for the first three months of my recovery. While dealing with a husband who's actions and words didn't seem to be like he was all that grateful I survived. After two months and while I was still in rehab, he told me he wanted a divorce for he didn't think, that he still loved me.

I talked him out of it back then, he left a year later for 4 months and I had my "grand finale"
New Year's Eve 2015.

This is my most traumatizing experience in the fifteen years with human evil.

7:12 PM  

This is so true. I wish I understood why. I wish I could undrstand how they think, sometimes.
He had cancer. I worked 15 hour days to pay both of our bills. Do you know how hard it is to live on one income these days? Over 7 years, I ran myself into the ground, taking care of his medical, financial and emotional needs. He kept wanting more. It didn't all come at once. It was a little bit at a time. Whenever I did something that he normally did it became my responsibility to always do it. He would deny he ever took the garbage out. He would tell me I ALWAYS took the garbage out, for example. Now it became my responsibility to do it all the time. He would say, "the more I fo, the less I need you". It got to the point where I was running and doing 20 hours a day. I was physically run down. When I started to get sick, he pushed me harder. Calling me names, telling me I'm worthless and lazy. My immune system became very weak from physical and emotional stress. I became vulnerable to every illness out there. Even a simple scratch on my finger became a full blown infection. I was tested for every illness under the sun. The result was stress, exhaustion, anxiety and depression all brought on by him. The sicker I got, the more he harassed me. I had chest pains. I drove myself to the emergency room. I called him while I was there. He couldn't talk because he was making himself English muffin pizzas. When I got home at midnight (I had to be back up at 3 am for work) I got accused of cheating and lieing even though I had the hospital paperwork in my hand and it listed my release time. Any time I asked him why he didn't care about my health, he would say that he had cancer. I said people suffer and die from other illnesses too. He just kept chanting that he had cancer. He would start crying and saying that he is suffering and I don't care about him.
I ended up with one foot in the grave. I was getting ready to move out. Suddenly, he broke his arm. I found out it was intentional. Oh, he never intended to brake his arm, he wasn't counting on that. He wanted to hurt himself, just not that badly. He "fell" off his truck. How sick to cause yourself that much harm just to force someone to stay with you.
It's been 8 months. My health is slowly getting better. I couldn't work for 6 months because of the physical and emotional pain. I'm still in pain. I'm still suffering from 10 years of hell with him. He's moved on to his ex-wife and children. He needed "renters" and someone to cook and clean so he could lay around, do nothing and get high.
He has cancer. That became his license to get pity and his excuse to being entitled to everything he wanted.

5:15 AM  

If you harden your heart against your spouse, you are divorced in your heart, so getting a piece of paper is only to protect you. God does not intend for you to live in hell! This marriage is not ordained by God, because it is a lie straight from hell!

2:04 AM  

Does it ever end?! Right when I thought I had a grip on all of the abuse I endured from the Vehicle that birthed me, here he comes! After all the therapy to cope, unlearn and relearn healing/coping skills, somehow I ended up with my mother in male form! He would listen intently at first as I let my guard down and opened up my past; only to use my childhood abuse against me in order to hide behind the fact that he too was abusive, twisting it to look like 'I have issues because mom abused you'. I am so discombobulated by this unnecessary act of cruelty!

7:50 PM  

I had food allergies too. I was in my teens when I started to experience air hunger. Nobody ever said anything to me about it and I didn't ever ask for help. Eating was the worst. Trying to breath as you're putting food in your mouth, especially when it's the offending food, is the worst. FINALLY, one day when my grandmother was visiting, she made a comment about the deep breaths I would take every time I tried to eat. My narc dads response? "She just does that for attention." Really? How many years did I do that until someone else finally acknowledged it, and that's what he says?!

I lived with that for about 20 years before figuring out on my own that I had a milk allergy. But yeah, I just want attention.

11:12 PM  

Sounds just like my wife of 30 years ..the lies the cheating the gas lighting was all required to make sure my daughter who was diabetic was somewhat sheltered ...

All that happened is my daughter grew up just like her mother

The horror stories I could tell after I got RA and my mom dying in the same month is unbelievable...Contrary to what people tell you ..they won't believe you ..I even have 100s of recordings of the abuse ...I am on disability now and my wife is doing everything to kick me out of everything I have worked for my whole life ...I can be in bed and can't move and she will screaming what a POS I am ...

It's a nightmare and no way out

12:26 AM  

I was recovering from a Cornea transplant and couldn't see. The first month my N husband was so helpful and kind (but not affectionate or reassuring). He went on a long weekend with a friend and left me without making sure I had food in the house. I couldn't see. I couldn't drive. He said I could take an uber if I needed anything. At 3 months he said I was lazy and dishonest, even though he was with me for the surgery and went to the follow up appointment. It's been 6 months. I still can't drive or see. I don't tell him about my follow up appointments, good or bad. Thank God for friends.

11:51 PM  

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