Sanctuary for the Abused
Saturday, March 14, 2020
NO CONTACT
What! Wouldst thou have a serpent sting thee twice?
William Shakespeare (The Merchant of Venice)
"Self Discipline is Self Esteem"
Abbreviations: N=Narcissist, P=Psychopath,
D&D = devalued & discarded
- "We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they've caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go to the Devil." No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word."
- "The no contact rule was the best thing I ever did...please stay strong."
- "No contact is so essential. Your pride and dignity are riding on it."
- "We don't want the NP back in our life... we only want them when we are hurting."
- "No contact is the strongest statement I can make to him"
- "NO CONTACT is the best to be hoped for; and this principle of recovery must be held to with tenacious trust that this is the best thing we can do for ourselves --- AND the N!"
- "We must all let go of people who hurt us whether we understand why or not."
- "I had to treat no contact like a drug addiction. There were times I had to count the minutes, then hours of no contact. I marked days off on the calendar. My entire life went to hell and I finally got mad and took it back. I am making my own happiness these days. It's still a struggle but it gets better every day. I had to force myself through the initial no contact but once I started to see our relationship for what it was it became easier and easier."
- "Things he said to me when I was D&D'd are what made me begin the no contact... and I would have wasted all that I had established, for myself, if I ever contact him again. I have often been asked what I would do if he tried to re-establish contact with me. Up until a few days ago, I did not really have an answer. But, I have climbed up to another level and I know now that I would do exactly what is recommended...thanks, but no thanks. I am not the same person, I have nothing more to give to you, I know that you have absolutely nothing to give to me."
- "You have the upper hand with no contact. Hang on to it for dear life."
- "Keep that list of horrors he'd done and print off those articles that really zing in on what he really is and read them both with your breakfast cereal. This helps reinforce our No Contact commitment and keeps the malignant optimisms/magical thinking we're often prone to away."
- "I have no contact with my brother who is a P he still tries the manipulation through emails and my mother is a P. She tries through letters, same words, same game. It is very hard not to respond, you just have to keep reminding yourself what would happen to you if you did respond. It is as though they still have part of your mind and it takes a lot of strength to break free and not respond."
- "I used those Olympic-class thinking tactics to picture how I'd react when he came up to me on the street. Well it worked. I just said "I have to go now, goodbye" and walked away. No payoff from me! I gave myself a Gold Medal in detaching."
- "The No Contact rule is definitely it. I feel any contact with him is like sticking my hand in a snake pit."
- "I was coming out of a 18 year marriage. He saw my vulnerability a mile away!! I cannot stress the no contact rule enough."
- "Unfortunately as long as you stay with or talk to an N you will remain a form of supply for them whether it be good, bad or ugly. The only way you can achieve any type of victory over them is to walk away with your head held high and have no contact. The longer you stay, the longer you will miss out on your own life."
- "They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact rule is the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt."
- "I notice your N makes no effort to even acknowledge how his behaviour has hurt you. Expect him to blame you and tell you that you are the unreasonable one the whole way down the line. They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact rule is the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt. Waiting for an N to validate your experience or change the N behaviours could mean you will be trading emails at 90 and still not get any further going round in their crazy circles."
- "You deserve a rich full life. An N will rob you of that. Stay clear. No contact."
- "There is power in our silence. The power we gain during the No Contact period can't be emphasized enough.
- "Give it time. Use the power of silence."
- "We're strongest with No Contact. It's idiot proof, requires no effort on our part. It is free of charge and if used according to directions is, 100% guaranteed."
- "There is only one message they hear and that is the silence of No Contact."
- "I had some good old-fashioned growing up to do. No Contact thrust me into that. That's when I really started to see things as they were." It'll be the best thing you every do for yourself."
- "Time and no contact is absolutely the only way, because anytime I have anything to do with him other than leaving notes for him when he comes to see the kids, it creates a "feelings setback" for me."
- "My therapist very rarely "advises" me, as such - preferring to help me see the right answers for myself. But the one thing he's been absolutely emphatic about, ever since I told him about it, is that I must NOT contact my N, under ANY circumstances."
- "And, if you do N-dip and heaven knows we try far too hard to fix them, fix the problem and make it work, and if you do, remember to protect yourself financially and emotionally. Cut yourself some slack on this, OK. Sometimes No Contact is a learned habit."
- "There is a point where you re-find yourself (well at least that kick-start moment towards self-knowledge and emotional freedom...It's a neverending process), and life becomes an open field, your soul breathes again. No contact and time spent alone out of the crazy-making environment will help you greatly. My, you just have to stay stoic 'til you're out. Make sure that you give yourself every chance to recuperate your senses and not have your mind invaded by anyone."
- "NO CONTACT is the only way that God will work. We must not try to get in the way and do all the work, instead of God doing it."
- "After the worst of it was over, what I found to be key was to have no contact with him. None. Do not say go to hell. Do not say I love you. Do not, above all, try to sit down and have a dialogue, to reason with him. No response of any kind is the answer."
- "The months of distance from him is what FINALLY helped me reach closure. Up close, I can't keep straight what is what. I fall right back into old habits, no matter how much therapy, etc. I have. From a distance, it's all crystal clear."
- "The best therapists tell us to stick like glue to that self-imposed No Contact rule. No contact works, but we need to give it a chance".
- "The more time I stay in NC...the stronger I get."
- "It reminds me of quitting smoking, hang in there long enough and the urge for contact will pass."
- "Beware of the Contact Trap. So many of them turn our hope into hell claiming THEY ARE BEING HARASSED OR STALKED - by us!! Ns love the courts so we can end up trying to defend ourselves in a lawsuit."
SOURCE
Keep them pinned up in a room where you will see them throughout the day, read them frequently to remind you of them.
Tips to Help You Adhere to No Contact
Settle all critical business before you begin no-contact. This means business only... no personal exchanges.
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1. To keep my sanity and totally end this relationship, I must maintain NO CONTACT.
2. No contact includes every single form of contact with him/her..
2a. This also includes... do NOT ask friends/family about him/her and do NOT let friends/family tell you about him/her. If need be I will go NC with any friends/family who try to get me to break NC.
3. I will not email him/her. I will not answer their emails. I will block them.
4. I will not call him/her. I will not answer their calls. I will block them and if need be, change my number to a unlisted one (and not give it to anyone who may pass it along to them).
5. I will not send him/her letters, cards for any occasion or notes of any kind. Any flowers, mail or packages they send to me will be refused or marked "delivery refused" and put back into the mail, unopened. (DO SAVE IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS AND ANYTHING THAT COULD BE USED FOR 'EVIDENCE' OF STALKING, HARASSMENT, etc)
6. I will not text message, two way, fax or page him/her.
7. If he/she calls me, I will hang up immediately, or not answer the phone at all.
8. If he/she leaves a voice mail or answering machine messages, I will delete it without listening to it. (Anything he/she says is done to draw me back into his/her web of insanity.)
9. If he/she emails me, I will delete the message without reading it or answering it. I will not check his/her Facebook/Tumblr/LinkedIn etc, and I will block them.
10. If he/she mails me a card, letter or note of any kind, I will throw it into the garbage can without opening it or reading it or write DELIVERY REFUSED and put it in the nearest mailbox WITHOUT reading or opening it (DO SAVE IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS AND ANYTHING THAT COULD BE USED FOR 'EVIDENCE' OF STALKING, HARASSMENT, etc)
11. If he/she two-ways me, text messages or emails me, I will delete the message or the phone number and not listen to the message or return his/her call. (DO SAVE IMPORTANT TEXTS AND ANYTHING THAT COULD BE USED FOR 'EVIDENCE' OF STALKING, HARASSMENT, etc. USE A JOURNAL)
12. If I am ever tempted to do anything listed from 1-11, I will call my therapist or a friend immediately and talk about it.
OR replace a hopeful reunion fantasy and toxic hopes that they will "get it" and "change" and apologize with a Clear Memory of a time that he/she insulted me, manipulated me, shamed me, blamed me, abused me, used me, belittled me, made me cry, used my children, friends or family to demean me, embarrassed me in front of co-workers, family or friends or used 'love' as a way to intentionally hurt me.
13. If I feel like I am about to reach for the phone to call him/her, write, email, page, fax or text message him/her, I will count to ten and clearly ask myself silently, why am I doing this? what do I think will REALLY happen?
14. If friends, family or clergy are not supportive of my efforts to remove myself from this relationship, I will not discuss my personal life with them and will ask them sternly not to offer their opinions. My decisions about this are my own. This is My Battle.
15. If I find that the urge to speak to him/her or see him/her has overwhelmed me and I slip off the course, I promise to be kind to myself and patient with the situation, then get right back on to No Contact.
16. I promise to be good to myself, forgive myself and allow myself to move on and not dwell on this for ever.
17. I will stop creating chaos in my mind & environment. I will stop listening to everyone else who doesn't 'get it' or looking for the answer I want to hear, rather than the answer I NEED to hear.
18. I will accept reality - The facts.
19. I will accept others for who they REALLY are. (not what I'd like them to be)
20. My hands are off others responsibilities: I will tend to my own, focus on me.
21. I will refuse to believe any of his/her lies about how wonderful his/her life is now. Basing the truth on the past, I will assume him/her to be lying. I will believe ACTIONS not Words.
22. I will distrust every time he/she has a "change of heart."
23. I will journal all my positive and negative feelings.
24. I must accept my own responsibility for maintaining No Contact. This includes writing a letter to them explaining why I went NC. I will stop expecting them to understand or 'get it.'
25. I will completely stop expecting them to understand or 'get it.' I will keep my children completely away from them no matter what threats they make.
26. We must love ourselves. And get counseling to help ourselves.
27. Take time off, just for me.
28. Find out what we need and go after that in friends that are worthy and have substance, morals, and ethics.
NO CONTACT IS THE END - no loopholes, no excuse, no exceptions. Period.
Accept nothing less for yourself.
Labels: denial, detachment, harm, healing, narcissist, no contact, pain, psychopath, trauma bonding
27 Comments:
Thank you. All of the quotes about NC have made this NC day..a whole lot easier. One day at a tim.e
Its amazing to me just how quickly things in life fall into place in a positive way once you finally go NO CONTACT. The Narc's negative energy has nothing left to fuel off of without contact from a normal person.
Its the only way to go.
I struggle so with this. I have made so many attempts at NC, starting back in January. I managed twice to make it 18 days, but that is by far the longest. I keep holding on to the fantasy, and I just don't know how to stop. I do not know how to give myself validation. I always want it from him. He has often apologized, and has been very insightful about what he is doing, so I end up believing he is not disordered. I don't know what to do!!
what if you have a child together.
Bad Advise! while I agree to the no contact part of this, I do not agree with throwing away and deleting messages ect. Beleive me ,You may need these for court later. Document and record everything this psycho does, never stop case building . To many people wish that they had saved those messages, when it is too late and they need them to prove thier case in court.
Anonymous - child together?
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/07/co-parenting-with-narcissist-sociopath.html
I agree with the poster above. I know you want to start over but you are going to need those documents in court! Don't let him abuse someone else, put him away!! For all women everywhere.
"He has often apologized, and has been very insightful about what he is doing, so I end up believing he is not disordered. I don't know what to do!!"
You MUST CUT HIM OFF - he's crazymaking & gaslighting you. EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS A CALCULATED LIE! And get yourself to therapy with a trauma counselor IMMEDIATELY.
Does anyone have suggestions for writing a letter/email about no contact? I have been trying to go no contact and it just angers him.
Never write a letter... it will be used against you. A RESTRAINING ORDER is what you need. See your COUNTY D.A.'s office.
If you were truly NC you'd have no idea he was angry. If he shows up CALL THE COPS. And get a RESTRAINING ORDER so you can call cops every time he violates.
I was in a "make believe" relationship with a Narc for two years. It was hell. I'm in the stage of healing and transforming myself. I'm forgiving myself for tolerating such treatment. We must look at our past - often our childhood - to see that what we are trying to secure with the Narc is the dysfunctional relationship with our parent - mine was my verbally abusive, handicap mother. I tried to "win" her affection; "show her" how good I was. Sadly, we unconsciously do the same things in relationships. I am on an inward journey. I thank the Narc for coming into my life. I am finally facing my past with pain and much anguish and tears, but I'm healing. God/Higher Self/Source has been there with me every step of the way. Journal. Pray. Meditate. Get in touch with your true authentic self. Love that person who wasn't loved as a child and be determined to emerge as a New Person. One who is finally, for once, focusing on our own needs, wants and desires. Set firm boundaries. It has been said that we teach people how to treat us by what we allow. I am sending Universal Love and a big hug to everyone who has gone through this experience. We are not what has happened to us.
This does work. I separated 18 months ago, we have had to have contact about co parenting and impending divorce issues, but it has become less and less. 8 months ago, if he did something nasty pertaining to the divorce settlement or our daughter, we would email back and forth about it. My frustration and anger was evident and feeding his sick quest for power over my emotions. The other day, after months of virtually no contact he did something to provoke my anger. I didn't bite, ignored it, and he backed down and the situation resolved without my ever entering into it. I consider that a major victory for my healing and convicts me to NC. It also frustrates him extremely when he can't get a reaction from me. Double victory!!
No contact began for me eight years ago. The improvement in my life began immediately and is far reaching. Three years ago, I forgave the NM and others connected to my abuse. Again, fantastic improvement in my life. Great rewards! So far, though, with all the losses of family etc., these are empty areas of my life. So....I have wrestled with a bear and she gouged my skull and took off my dominant arm. But, the rest of me is fine, thanks. Everything improved over prior time.
We have to remain strong for our own well being. I know 2014 will be a great year for me. I have been able to focus more at work and be more productive. I am planning a trip to Paris in April of 201
My advice to you will be to keep strong and move on to regain normality and for you to enjoy your life. A relationship with an N is disastrous to your mental health. I was like you, I believed that if I showed him I truly cared that he would change. This does not happen ever. He tried to hurt me so much by making me jealous with others because he knew I loved him, and I will tell you that he succeeded many a time. That is until I figured him out. I currently have my mother visiting for the past 4 months and it's helped me so much. I am also considering getting a dog, a boston terrier to be specific. Stay strong my friend and you will be happier. I've been no contact for the past 5 months, it hasn't been easy but the fact that I now smile and have a optimistic outlook lets me know it has been the best decision I could have made. The minute you realize these people are not capable of loving or caring not just for you but everyone that's when you will understand that you need to stay away. All the best for you.
Thank you for your post. I am in the healing process as we'll and we need to try to get the good things out of such experience such as bonding with family, genuine friends and the fact that we've gotten to know ourselves better through such a harsh life experience.
I am only on day 3.5of NC... I am so grateful that I saw a counselor who put all of this in perspective for me... Just yesterday. I have counted 14 of not more reasons of blame thatwere thrown at me fore why he was unhappy and miserable. I was told over and over again... But he would always come back and I would accept it. Two days after valentine's day I received a text telling me he couldn't do it any more. We have been in contact.... He next day... Because I was in denial I got in touch with him and he was glad I did! Then he indicated contact for three days... And then nothing... So i said hi.. He actually sent me pictures of his new purchases and of himself to say so you don't forget me. I thought things were turning around but it just didn't. I heard over and over all the reasons why he was unhappy and I was constantly defending myself. He didn't once take responsibility for any of the break up. I need to stay strong and that's sites and information are helping me tremendously.. Thank you to everyone for sharing their stories. Hugs to all of us who are going through this recovery and a prayer that those who are going through the abuse and shame will see the light and get out soon.
I know 100 percent No Contact is the best and only course of action for me to heal and have a normal life. So when will that feeling go away, of missing his voice and wanting to hear the lies to justify another betrayal even though I know its lies? I know it's crucial and he was the one in the wrong, yet I'm still struggling with guilt of "not being there" for him, and secretly hoping my work phone rings and that it's him professing his love and devotion and apologizing profusely, even though he's done that dozens of times before and managed to betray me after ever chance I gave him. I just wanna know when during NC it starts to feel better?
This page is truly a blessing. Have been on/off with a PD (GIRL, definitely not a Woman!) for almost 5 years now. It was my first love (I am young) and a huge part of my life. I've been used and abused time and time again, got very comfortable living in the fairy tale. But no more, I have seen how other areas of my life suffer as I struggle to get LOVE from the PD, I always lose. I declared NC 2 days ago, and today I got the usual 10 back to back phone calls accompanied by 20 back to back texts. I can't answer anymore. I won't answer anymore. We've "talked" about everything possible (I talked, she said what she thought I wanted to hear) time and time again, I can only assume she wants to drag me down further. I stumbled upon this page, and it really helped. Just wanted to share a little of my story and give props to this page. I'm looking forward to the continued blessings of NC, it appears there are many more good things to come! =D
40 days today of No Contact. This lady is telling the truth. What is the only way to break the addiction and bondage of a narcissist
Anonymous, that's the best advice I've ever heard and so very true!!
P's reflect everything onto you. They believe its all your fault that they are so abusive.
Thing is, if you are not there they cannot deflect anything onto you. Therefore your defense is complete.
This is very good advice. I 100percent believe in the no contact rule. After being discarded by my narcissistic husband, now ex husband, I was devastated. He had carried on an affair with a young cop co worker during their night shifts together. When I found out, I was blamed, I was declared "mentally ill", I was thrown away like a Mc Donalds paperbag. Along with his son, his only child. I was in denial for a few months, I was hurt, I begged and cried for his return. He laughed behind my back, moved out , went on cruises, had the time of his life. Well, I finally had enough. I went no contact, hired an awesome attorney and went through with the divorce. Best decision I ever made. If someone lies and cheats let them go. Life is peaceful now, I am happy and no more tears. Still 3 years later I have no contact to this evil man. Luckily my child is not a minor. I honestly dont know how to enforce no contact if there are minor children. I am in control now, so true. I have the power and the victory. All he has are the little minions for sex....
No contact starts to feel better when you let go of the past. No more memories, good or bad. Just look into today..the past is gone and the future is unknown. Remember successfully detaching yourself by going no contact,will not change his behavior or thoughts or actions. It is a shield to protect you from further harm and abuse. It gives YOU the power and control and puts YOU in the "drivers seat". If they cannot get to you anymore, or be able to "push your buttons" they are defeated...and you win. Stay strong...it will get better. In my case it took about 2 years of no contact and a bitter divorce to finally being able to breath again and to have joy and happiness. And I do not have a new relationship. I am just happy to be free of this drama, abuse and manipulation ...and it feels great.
I am forced to live with my N. I need to move on for myself and my girls but how can I do so while living with him? I've begged friends and family for help but no one will because they only see what he has portrayed to them. The bruises and emotional anguish mean nothing to my family. He creates a story and they believe it. I don't know what to do! He controls the finances and I can't even get a job because it's his car and busses don't run near us. Help me!!!
I started the NC 15 months ago, but I break it to naively wish him happy birthday one year ago, but his response was more of the same. Yesterday was his birthday again and I said nothing, it was hard but I did it! My NC first anniversary :D
i have read a lot about narcissism and no contact during last separation...and now Im here questining myself again why and how did I get back here again? It is the promises made and the desire to reconcile...and believe in fairy tale. Yes, I was given both books by my counselor right before I got into tjis relationship. Knowing does not mean not doing. Its so difficult to do no contact becauseone feel the contact resolves problems and gives you hope for change in that person. Then the feelings start to play role again..and before you kniw it, you are in it all over again...
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