Sanctuary for the Abused

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Destroying the Lives of Others

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Narcissists expect and demand that the ones nearest and dearest to them, tolerate, admire, love, and cater to their needs. They expect others to be at their immediate disposal. Their behavior is obnoxious, aloof and indifferent and they fully realize this. Narcissists test the mental limits of people's patience. Individuals in a relationship with a narcissist feel something is not “quite right,” and many seek answers to the unsettling experience of day to day contact with a narcissist.

Narcissistic individuals do not tend to be physically abusive although there are some out there that are. Their worst weapon is their mouth. With their mouth they spit verbal negations and dispense emotional abuse. Their vocal cords are their method of attempting to control others.

Narcissists do not have the emotional capacity to provide support or understanding to others. There are numerous defense mechanisms which narcissists use to confuse and unbalance those around them. Organization is unknown to narcissistic individuals and they avoid future plans if it concerns pleasing another for some reason not evident to them.

They do not want anyone thinking highly of them for several reasons. First, their sense of self as special, unique and deserving keeps them grounded at maintenance level in their relationships. Maintenance level is just enough, just in time to keep the folly of the relationship moving forward, but just enough and no more. To expend more energy on the relationship would cause others to feel some degree of predictability in the whole affair. Contributing to the happiness of the ones they already envy for having the ability to feel love is not a an activity in which narcissists wish to participate.

Second, if another thinks highly of the narcissist then there are expectations which that person has that the narcissist must fulfill. The narcissist, however, does not intend to fill anyone's expectations except that of his/her own.

Happiness, joy, and the effort to please others is not normally undertaken by the narcissist except in the beginning or potential ending of a relationship. At either of these points, the narcissist may be charming, helpful, pleasing, and amusing beyond imagination. But, this effort is only used to obtain a new narcissistic supply source or to win back the affection of an important source if abandonment appears eminent. At all other times, the narcissist believes his/her presence, is clearly and abundantly sufficient to maintain the loyalty, trust, affection and respect of those which the narcissist already considers his/her object. So, the narcissist will postpone, withhold or procrastinate the continuing efforts that are essential to maintaining any kind of meaningful relationship. A narcissistic person is unable to fake the emotion of love for another for a long period of time. This impairs the capacity for a committed relationship with a narcissist. Therefore, marital instability and promiscuity are prominent in those with NPD.

Narcissists can perform obligations in the global areas of their lives and with strangers quite well. But, with those individuals they have already captured, they find the expenditure of civil treatment taxing to their mental reserve and not really necessary. They routinely display to their captured objects their worst traits. These may include abuse of alcohol, sex, verbal negations or other behaviors that tend to keep people at a distance and not allow any close interpersonal strength to develop. This is evident in the narcissists relationships with their wives/husbands, girlfriends/boyfriends, children, brothers, and sisters.

Narcissists will never accept the blame for anything that happens in a relationship. They are quite ready to blame the other person involved. They expect to be the center of attention in a relationship and demand their every wish be fulfilled by their partner.

Don't expect the narcissist to get better with age. By the time they are old they have pushed everyone who has ever tried to care about them away. Their narcissistic characteristics also seem to increase after the death of parents or loss of others that have exerted some type of control over them.

A relationship with a narcissist can at times be fun and invigorating. After the relationship has come to an end, for the non-disordered, there maybe a feeling of let down or boredom. A relationship with a narcissist is like a roller coaster ride--there are extreme highs and lows. Be thankful the relationship has ended. The best advice for anyone who is presently involved with a narcissist is to RUN! The relationship won't get better. Also, it's better to get out before the narcissist snatches away all your self-esteem. Remember, their worst weapon is their mouth.

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shared by Barbara at 12:12 AM


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8 Comments:

Now what grade were we taught this pertinent, life-affecting information in? I must have missed this year or been in a ptsd induced fog brought on by my psychopathic/narcissistic dad and sister. Bummer, it could have changed my life.

11:24 AM  

I was commanded to be loving and undemanding. Decades of trying my best. My life is ruined.

2:59 PM  

My narc lost his dad (First parent death, and by the way told his dad years ago to f/o and that he wasn't his dad any more....now cries to everyone that his dad is gone) 7 months ago. He is now drinking every day,(all my fault he says....to have to put up with me), sexually has started to treat me like a common hooker,(I won't have sex with him now as a result), I am a volunteer for hospice and am now sarcastically told what a "wonderful humanitarian" I am. I have been with this man 12 years and it has ALWAYS been a struggle (and YES...a "roller coaster ride" where too many times to count...I would think one person had walked in the door from work...only to find quite another unexpectedly there 10 minutes later)...but this person now has kicked it up 10 notches and I just don't have the strength to go even another 5!!!

10:38 AM  

Me too, wish I had this understanding of my parent(s) when I was a kid. Now I am forty and recovering from my most recent relationship with a narcissist partner which ended two years ago and still my life is a mess/ruined.

1:39 PM  

I think this needs to be taught in school. My narc has literally ruined my life and left me the shell of the person I once was. I actually felt better immediately post break than I do today, months later. Their complete lack of a soul is horrifying to any sane, non-intrinsically evil human. He's a monster and I often long for him to kill himself, it would be the only kind thing he's ever done for others.

11:22 AM  

I could have written this word for word. I got out...trying to get a life. 30 years! What is wrong with me to put up with it for so long. Wouldn't let me work. I am broke. Living with daughter. Still...even without med ins and having my very first kidney stone stuck requiring er care....his a far better choice. I do miss the freedom of medical insurance right now.
I even said once... I should have stayed with him for the coverage! I need therapy. The divorce was just last year..Aug'13.

9:03 AM  

It's taken 4 years for me to totally convince myself, throug copious amounts YouTube videos and blogs like this one, that I'm married to a N. Educate yourself on this disorder/monster and free yourself from the burden of hope for these people, if that's what you insist on calling them.
Just this morning my N called me "crazy" an "a-hole" and told me to fuck off. Apoplgized by saying I was coming at him and walking funny through the house. What he saw was him not getting to me and that means he's mad.
Want to make them miserable too? Be Happy. That's it. Want to feed their supply? Confront their behavior and all the ways they hurt you and everything you are willing to do for them, they love it.
Love yourself!

2:55 PM  

My mother is a narcissist. I am 43 and have never had healthy relationships with friends, boyfriends and my daughter doesn't speak to me anymore. I just can't imagine what it would be like to happy.

10:17 PM  

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