Sanctuary for the Abused

Wednesday, September 26, 2018


1. STAY STRONG IN YOUR FAITH! I know that this is difficult at times because I myself have been tried so much. Go to church regularly and tell the pastor(s) and counselors at your church what you are dealing with and ask them and the congregation to pray for you. Pray and read your Bible. If you are not religious you might want to try this out anyway or meditate to bring peace to your soul. It is absolutely necessary that you find some peace in a situation that is utter chaos and dysfunction.

2. DO NOT TAKE THEIR BAIT! I have read on several websites (including this one), and books like The Sociopath Next Door, by Dr. Martha Stout, and also Without Conscience, by Dr. Robert Hare, that stress this very point. I found this out the hard way and have learned from experience that this only adds to the problem because the sociopath is often trying to get a reaction out of you. Reacting or retaliating against the sociopath only fuels the fire. Although it might sound cliché, one can only truly and successfully fight evil with goodness, especially in this case.

3. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Sociopaths (as my ex is) are pathological liars and are bound to contradict themselves in their stories. Thorough logs of all events with the sociopath and also supporting documents such as emails, police documents, medical records, court documents, etc., can all be of help when dealing with a sociopath in a situation such as this. When the time is right (sometimes its smart to let time go by so that the sociopath can implicate, perjure, and hang him/herself some more) you might decide to file the appropriate paperwork in court (i.e. Order to Show Cause for custody and visitation, declarations, motions for contempt of court, etc.) and attach the documents that you have been logging and saving as exhibits/evidence to your court papers (you can ask an attorney, paralegal, or family law self help center or other similar groups how to do this). If you have the financial resources, you might want to consider a deposition as another opportunity to let the animal perjure him/herself some more.

4. REQUEST EXPLICIT & SPECIFIC COURT ORDERS! I have found through personal experience that sociopaths will exploit and take advantage of any ambiguity or vagueness in court orders to create complete and utter chaos. You must push for detailed court orders when you go to court to prevent this from happening.

5. ASK THE COURT TO ARRANGE CHILD EXCHANGES AT LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENTS! Doing this eliminates the opportunity of having to interact with the sociopath at your home or his/her home as well as other places that are easy for chaos to occur. Arrive at the exchange early and let the officers know that you are there for a child exchange (make sure you always have the court orders with you so that the police can see it if need be) and you can ask the desk officers if they can monitor the exchange.

6. HAVE PEOPLE OTHER THAN YOU THAT YOU TRUST AND ARE GOOD PEOPLE DO THE EXCHANGE OF YOUR CHILD(REN) IF POSSIBLE! Making yourself as invisible as possible might increase the chances of cutting the sociopath out of your life since he or she will no longer be able to see you sweat. Remember to always stay calm and collected when the sociopath tries to anger you (you can cry and vent in private) even and especially in court.

7. BE CAUTIOUS IN STATING THAT YOUR EX IS A SOCIOPATH (OR NARCISSIST)! Many people, including the courts, child welfare organizations, lawyers, etc., are not familiar with this devastating disorder and as a result do not know how to respond properly to the warning signs (as many of us did not know how to until we were caught in a complex web of deception). Therefore, focus on proving the behavior of the sociopath in court using the strategies I suggested earlier and do not accuse your ex as being a sociopath in court. They will not take this seriously since you are probably not a professional licensed to make such a diagnosis.

8. PUSH FOR COMMUNICATION BETWEEN YOU AND THE EX TO BE THROUGH EMAIL ONLY WHEN YOU GO TO COURT! Communication using this vehicle of communication helps to eliminate the possibility of he said/she said. Websites such as or are excellent because they provide an opportunity for you to communicate with your ex via email and all the communication is safe and secure and can easily be printed out (all emails also include the date and exact time the emails were sent and viewed by the other party and also include the time any printed emails are generated). Also, the website allows you to input your parenting schedules, input medical information for the child, and offers a journal, free children’s accounts to the child(ren) involved and can also offer professional accounts for minor’s counsel and possible others to oversee the account and monitor what is going on. BLOCK your ex from everything else.


10. GET ALL INFORMATION STRAIGHT FROM THE SOURCE! Do not rely on any information the sociopath provides you. Always verify all information concerning the child or children with their doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. If possible have the child(ren’s) doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. document all information they give you.

11. DO NOT CUT THE SOCIOPATH ANY SLACK! Record and document any and all violations of court orders. Recording these violations may be helpful when you go to court.

12. HIRE AN EXPERIENCED COMPETENT ATTORNEY, AND IF POSSIBLE ONE THAT HAS EXPERIENCE IN DEALING WITH SOCIOPATHS OR OTHER SIMILAR PERSONALITY DISORDERS! Child custody cases involving sociopaths are complicated and need the skill, experience, and know-how of a professional.

13. TRUST YOUR GUT! Oftentimes, we doubt our intuitions when we shouldn’t. In my personal experience I found that there were warning signs but did not respond to them as I should have because I took the signs lightly. Likewise, when I was drawn into my ex’s net of deception and chaos, I knew something was wrong, and attempted to explain what I believed was wrong with my ex to my previous attorney, but the attorney did not understand and discouraged me from engrossing myself in research. She stated that doing so could help me to become emotionally and mentally unstable (the attorney did not have experience in dealing with such complex personalities and so did not know how to properly respond to my ex’s actions). I later decided to trust my gut and continued with my research. Through research, trial and error, I have learned how to better deal with my ex and I do not respond to his baits (my ex has accused me of being a sociopath and has falsely accused me of harassing him).

14. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Living well is truly the best revenge. As difficult as it may be, try not to let the sociopath make you a bitter, angry, mean person. Remember the ultimate goal of the sociopath is to frustrate you. Enjoy your child(ren) while they are with you and let them know that you love them. Listen to them and model what real love looks like while they are in your care. Let them see you in loving relationships with other people. Criticize their actions and not them in private and DO NOT talk badly about the other parent in their presence (this can give the other parent an opportunity to bring parental alienation charges against you); instead you can let them know that actions like the ones their parents are exhibiting are wrong and hurtful to others and that this behavior is undesirable. Also, don’t forget to eat (like I have in the past), exercise, sleep, and laugh! Do not under any circumstances allow the sociopath to rob you of your ability to laugh.

(REMEMBER: you can NOT CO-Parent with a Cluster B, you can only Parallel Parent)



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shared by Barbara at 12:14 AM



I have had these issues with my ex husband. When I left him I had to get a court order so that he couldn't remove the children from me (he had threatened this if I ever walked out) , he played mind games with myself and my eldest child , he turned up late... He also kept coming to the 'safe place' I was waiting at during handover times. He even swung a punch at me once and shouted some very nasty swear words at me. He prank called me , he reported my mobile stolen ( the handset was in his name of course).
All of this was reported to the police. They couldn't do much but it was all on file incase it escalated.

Then all of this stopped. He'd met a new lady! Hallelujah! I was in the clear.

I still don't trust him. He's a compulsive liar and he is always expecting my eldest son to compete for his approval. The youngest ( too young to have opinions) is the golden child to him.

The point is though that I got my kids out of there. They still see their dad - I can't stop this. But they live with me , they are safe with me.

8:50 AM  

Im going through all this now and im wanting to prove to the courts without saying his sick. This is all to familiar. Your stories. Its stressful. And I let him get to me and I get extremly angry. I feel all this has been a lie. He almost convinced me I was crazy.
Im documenting everything taking pictures.
I figured out where he learned this behavior. He got it from his Mother's and now shes telling lies. Its sick.
I know I have to stay calm bc they will try to make me look like im crazy....
Good luck...
And thank u

12:41 PM  

Oh the stories I could share about my ex. I've been dealing with his sickness for 15 years. My ex DID convince me that "I" was the one who was mentally ill (and crazy) - to the point where I had myself put on medication. 8 1/2 years ago, I got away from him - though it cost me my primary custody of my daughter. I never dreamed that my ex would hurt my daughter to hurt me; I was wrong. From 2004 to 2011 I fought to regain custody of her and attempt to protect her. It was a long, gruesome, exhausting battle; that I fought without an attorney because I couldn't ever afford one.

In 2009 I had had the final straw with my ex. I had my visitation time with my daughter and he felt that it was his right to have contact with her at his whim - any time of day or night. When I did not answer my phone he sent the police to my home at 10 p.m. at night, claiming that he was worried and concerned about our welfare; that he had not spoken with his daughter for three days and that it was unusual for her to not talk to him (which was a lie - she avoided him at all costs when she was with me; in attempts to re-cooperate from what he put her through while with him) and asked them to come check on us. I checked the police report later and it showed that his call to them and his email to me accusing me of alienating him from our daughter and demanding money he believed I owed to him were within minutes of one another - showing that his so called concern for our daughter he expressed to the police was just a ploy to get them there - harassing me through the cops to let me know who was in control I guess. From that point forward I religiously documented every single detail that involved him. Every word, every phone call, every email, every lie, every accusation, every stunt he tried to pull - everything.

The break through with the court began in April 2010 where his motion for contempt against me was denied and the court began to take more note of what my daughter had to say about what she wanted and needed and what she was going through with her father while not in my care. At the time she was 11 years old. The court had been dealing with our case since 2005 and finally started to listen to what she had to say - even though they usually don't until they are between 12 - 14 years old.

It took another 2 1/2 years of persistent documentation and standing my ground (also 2 more years of many days on my knees in prayer; tears of frustration; exhaustion and anguish watching what my daughter was suffering through) and I finally regained primary residential custody of my daughter; and in October 2011, the court reaffirmed my custody status and required, by my documentation, my daughter's own testimony, and the testimony of her therapist at the time, that his visitation only take place if all three of us (me, him, and my daughter) agree to it. I really wish I'd have had the finances to afford a competent attorney; because with a competent attorney I believe I'd have gotten a lot better custody arrangements and greater restrictions against him to protect my daughter.

The battle is far from over; but my daughter and I have come such a long way. Since his recent violation of the court ordered visitation schedule, I am, once again, back in the serious documentation mode; and as this article states - watching him hang himself with his actions, behaviors, and words to both me and my daughter.

It is very tempting to go back and forth with him with facts of his own behavior and defend my position against the vile statements and accusations he makes against me; including the vile things he says to our daughter - but I have learned that this DOES only fuel his fire; and that is what he truly does want.

I am glad that I found this blog for support, encouragement, and hope to continue to find healing and strength to protect my daughter. It is inevitable that we will be going back to court again - possibly even in the near future; and I will be ready.

1:02 PM  

I too am in this sort of situation with my ex-husband. He is, and I have documented evidence that he is a pathological liar and he ticks all the boxes for 'psychopath.' He lived a double life for at least four years of our marriage, renting another home, going on holidays secretly and even forging solicitor's letters to show the other woman (pretending he was already divorcing) to maintain the lie. He admitted all of this to me quite happily. My son saw hime regularly for contact although I am the primary resident parent. When he was with my son he indulged in very dangerous activities using fire and firearms. If I tried to discuss this with him, as I was advised to by my son's counsellor (who was concerned for his welfare) he abused me by text and email, to the point of 50 messages a day. I agreed a contact calendar but this was not enough for him. He constantly threatened court.
My son came back from a holiday very traumatised and he had already had to have help from a children's mental health doctor because he had exhibited ocd symptoms after contact. My son, then aged 11 and a half asked to cease any overnight stays. Unfortunately his father booked a 'surprise' holiday and when my son refused to go, he ranted on the doorstep and then filed a court case for 'residence.' The whole case has gone on for over a yer now and my son now 12 and a half still adamantly refuses any contact at all stating his father shouted at and bullied him, forcing him to do things he didn't want to do. My ex has tried everything to discredit me as a parent - saying I have casued parental alienation (I never have) demanding that I am psychologically assessed, when I suspect HE is the one with a mental disorder for many well-documented reasons. The social services have been very poor and do not listen to my son who is well parented and happy. It is fear of contact due to his own alleged abuse which makes him unhappy. Yet the social workers seems to support my ex husband and not my son. Thankfully he might now be allowed to talk to the judge himself, who seems ver sensible. But it has cost me a fortune and impacted on my health and my work to support my son and fight for justice for him (and defend myself against false allegations.)

4:04 AM  

I am glad to find this site. I am in the same situation and he is prevailing in court.

4:24 PM  

Omg I am going through the same thing. No one understands. Its almost like I wrote this myself..

11:10 PM  

i dont know what to do. my kids and i depend on him financially and he is a horrible person. he is a narcissist, was sexually and physically abused by his mother as a kid, and also by other perpetrators sexually. he has abused my daughter and got two years probation. he masturbates at the office toilet and he has his secrets. but all that i cant handle anymore. i myself am a wrack. i just sit and play computer games, am fat, cant really be a good mother anymore and not sure i want to be. i would really like to die. i have depressions from the trauma he has caused. i really am at the end and i fuckin dont know how to even think of getting out of this!!,

11:33 AM  

Your feet will move you if you allow. My mind no longer computed the possibility when I fled. No intimate relationship but a trap to cover financial and other crimes, so horrifying-I will not touch on because I want to break his criminal loser face and I cannot even produce a proper answer to a simple question. My symptoms have not yet been professionally addressed-still why would not one policeman, detective or other even take a mere look into, 1 follow up qeuestion or phone call??? Why did no doctor or other express only concern for me if I was not believed???A Sneer of blame, really??? My life, disgarded without hesitation dismissed by misinterpretation of all that would otherwise induce awe, recognized as strength unbelievable if you pulled me out of his lair yourself. He the implyer, fantasize of my greatness-the thought alone proves I am better than all-deviant loser viewed as such a winner with a wink and a shrug--"..unaccomplished loser garbage.. misunderstood as "professional",unbelievably kind and devoted (to the ingrate mental case, the other lucky lady- only with her eyes could once relay-only a problem in that she may not die before it would benefit taxwise (2months2go)charming and (I still cannot comprehend how, a master manipulator, so transparent to my eyes always) nd relentless in his efforts. That I APPEAR as that which was relentlessly forced upon me allows, even those with knowledge, to relieve themselves of professional obligation. I understand exactly and fear, but only in that this turd woyld not be realized and known for the depth of his depravity, that escape from the prison of HIS home has only allowed for him to further marvel at "his" superiority as he now enjoys a broarder range in playing field understanding most do not hear past even one insane act, smug knowing as I have been told what are you worried about? your paranoid,etc in response to a passing comment of a recent, evidenced (what they would be justified feeling terror) did. Furious that I and a couple of innocents more, might actually wind up one of those crime show "OMG she was telling the truth" shows. This should be a blockbuster NOW even if no political office would need never to kiss a baby or even smile again for putting this guy on a long fun journey of a trial prior to storing him in his own hell til the next election year. Thanks for allowing this vent. I am without any manner of support to even find past this horrifying ridiculous inability to move a baby step and jeez, imagine he gets away with it & truly sick he got cant even say this far---maybe I am nuts...I just cannot fathom it.

4:31 AM  

I'm reading all your comments as woman and I feel for ever single one of you my ex girlfriend is Indeed lost. I left our house and went to the police station with my son I endedup being arrested for domestic ab and Im soon to go to trail for that cause I will NOT plea out to something I did not do I hated my life I was abused mentallyand phisicaly (not beat, but attacked) its been 6-7month and I take my son as much as I can and I oay child suport 2-3days a week and every other weekend. The d.a. had her out a restraining order on me that was dropped to a no abuse order "for our son" She has temerary full custody and uses my son as a weapon...there is no rhyme or reason to see him besides every other weekend I do every thing for my kid but the one time I have plans or somthisomthing and I can't watch.him when she asks me last min I'm a shitty dad going loser amd I'm never going to see my son again...I try to stand my ground but its my son and I give In and she's nice...then the second she's not getting her way its back to the mean....I'm sooo sad and fed up one day she wants to be with me and that would be great but I just can't do it cause I know the next day.the next moment I'm going to be the worst person in the world and I should die and be In jail...sorry for all the typos I'm on my phone.I'm so hurt and sad and scard for where my life will end up when I just want to be the best dad ever

7:39 PM  

This all rings so very true and people in general do not understand how emotionally horrific it is to face this battle. When I went through the thick of it, I truly did think I was insane. My ex would fly "just under the radar", acting in a manner that seemed completely normal and justified to everyone else... often benevolent. What he was really doing was peppering his statements with things he knew would anger me, and of course I would bite and look like the completely crazy one. And then there was the spin... OH THE SPIN! To anyone else it would seem I was beyond unfit to raise my children. Then after custody was finalized and thought it was over... nope. My child could get a grass stain and the email I would get would read something to the affect of "I would appreciate it if you would take care to make certain XX's clothes are laundered and that he practices proper hygiene." I would freak out... picturing the email sitting in front of some judge that knows no better and imagines my home to be infested with bugs and lacking a source of water for showers. I'd practice what I would say to social workers. I kept my house impeccably spotless at all times, sure that they would arrive at any moment to take my child away. I would FLIP out if my child got a knick or bruise... and then there was the time he got hives. OMG... that terrified me even though I rationally know it is common, normal and not a big deal at all. There were so many times that I literally drove myself into fits of over the top anxiety thinking of all the angles he could play to make me look terrible. And I knew that he would win. Narcissists ALWAYS win because they never grow weak from the battle... they LOVE it! Best advice EVER is right here on this website... make yourself as invisible as possible and DO NOT communicate unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. Keep any communications you have to have VERY brief, nice, and professional (pretend you are emailing a potential employer in connection with a job interview - set a very cautious, deliberate, and conscience tone). Life does get easier when you set your boundaries firm. While I still cringe and want to curl up in a ball when I see his name pop up in my inbox, I breathe... then read... then walk away... then ask myself if there is any relevant purpose in a response. 99% of the time the answer is no. Hang in there! There truly are a lot of us out there that KNOW for a fact you are NOT insane!

5:38 PM  

Wow! I am so glad to read the stories here. I have been struggling with a psychopathic ex for the last 10 years and trying everything possible to stay 2 steps ahead of the man. I have been charged 3 times for child abuse & assault against my children, lost one son to death in his home (with no investigation or autopsy), lost a daughter to parental alienation and am watching my youngest go through hell every time he has to visit him. I have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars trying to keep my children safe & "do the right thing" for them....and I feel that I have failed. I received a letter tonight that I now have to pay him more money in Maintenance Arrears for a time period when he gained the children through my false arrest. I have no more money, I can barely make ends meet now and I feel like I'm the crazy one!! Everything I say is twisted around to make it seem like he is doing all these great & wonderful things and I am nothing but a vindictive ex. I have to really stop & focus some days to remind myself that it is NOT me, that I am living this nightmare and I need to stay strong for my youngest boy. But all I can think of is...will it ever end?

11:29 PM  

I am so glad I read this it feels so good to know there someone else out there that knows what I'm going through and how it feels. My ex makes me feel like I'm the crazy one and nobody else seem to see the truth in who he is cause they hide it so well. I'm tired of dealing with it and just wish the truth would come out. I try my hardest not to respond to him and let his action and words get to me cause I already KNOW what he doing but I've dealt with it so long I'm tired and so frustrated with it. I honestly don't know what to do anymore...... I now have a 7 month old daughter with him and I'm scared for her to be around him alone or just period cause I know the REAL him. I want to get a lawyer but just like many of you posted I feel like ill just look like the crazy one. I HATE IT AND IM SO TIRED OF DEALING WITH IT!

4:58 AM  

I empathize with you all. Its like were all telling the same story, unfortunatley I cant write much do to the utter deterion of my mind and soul from the horrible abuse my wife has done to me. I am about to be homeless and this past year I have stripped of everything I worked my entire life for. The poor poor children n myne and all of yours, when will society and the courts recognize these horrible soul suckers. They choose only good compasionate people to destroy, so all of you who look down upon yourselves with love because your not crazy and thats just thier tool to sustain thier pathetic exsistense. We all have something to offer this beutiful world and I say this as I pray to the lord that I just make it through one more day alone and scared. We are the beuty of this world and thus why we are targeted by them to snuff out our light. Please dont give up,,any of you because if at least we have each other we have something. I will be victorious in uniting us all one day and making this world a better place even despite thier evil exsistance but with out you all I have nothing, so stand up and shine I will be with you soon

1:35 PM  

This terrifies me..... I just discovered the double life my ex boyfriend was living and just how cruel he can be. We were together 7 years, we have a four year old son and an 8 month old daughter. I asked him to get help but he just kept blaming me.... The nightmare some of you have been living, has just started for me... Is there any light? How do I protect my children, they're so young. I deleted what physical email evidence I had... I have nothing as proof.

11:40 PM  

I'm glad I'm not alone but it's unfortunate this happens to a lot of women. My ex and I have shared custody and because I moved on and decided to have a second child, he is trying to punish me. He tries to dictate my living situation and demands to know where his child is sleeping and threatens to take me back to court. He makes slick comments to make me think he will one day get full custody. He mix truth with lies. He communicates when he wants and finds loopholes in our court order. I know it is just satan working in him so I try to keep my head up and know the main objective is to upset me and to get met to a point where I give up. I will never give up and will not worry about what louse he may come up with to gain full custody. It's horrible and I hope everyone going thru what I go thru never gives up either. These crazy men aren't worth it.

5:39 AM  

Reading these articles lets me know I am not alone. I can relate to most of these women. It is scary to know there are so many abusers

11:02 PM  

Wow, so happy I stumbled across this site. Finally, I know I am not crazy. My ex is so mad and angry that I do not love him that he uses our child and my family members against me. I come from an abusive family and do not talk to half of them to keep my sanity. Once we split, what does my ex do? Brings them around these family members. I get so worried about my child. I do not want him to go through the same abuse I went through. It is so frustrating. My ex says I am the crazy one because kids deserve to see their family. These are people my ex never met while we were married. It's so frustrating and the courts do nothing. Reading this makes me realize my ex is still wanting that control over me. Using my child to keep it. To see others are in the same boat is really calming to me because I really started to believe I was the crazy one. I don't know any of you, but I am saying a prayer for all of you. Unless you are in the situation, it's hard to understand and I am so glad I can read your comments and not feel so alone.

1:10 AM  

I left my ex when my daughter was 3 weeks old because of him controlling me and isolating me from family. When my daughter was 3 weeks old he wouldn't let me take her to see my mother. I then found my voice and left him. I was living on my sisters sofa unemployed and with a new born. When I left my ex I had nothing he wouldn't even let me have her pram. He told socail services I have mental health problems and went on to tell them about my teanage years. At this time I was 23 years old and he was 40. It's been 3 years and now I am in the middle of our second custerdy battle. He keeps taking my daughter away from me and stating he's worried I am a drug abuser. Then when I pass a drugs test he then says he worried about my mental heath. He's a compulsive lier and is always contradicting himself even in court it's documented on paper. I could go on for ever about his nastiness and the way he constantly under minds me and my parenting skills and has to always be in control. I am serverly dyslexic and I always try to see the best in people. He noes this and uses this against me. I have no money and can't afford a serlisiter. I am currently representing myself. The Caffcass worker has seen right through him. The judge has asked for a section 7 report. But I feel that thennew socail worker Iis under qualified and really dosent have a clue what she's doing. My ex is a well respected man even though he has a bad criminal record for violence and drug abuse. He's the boss of a double glazing company. He's made alot of people in the small town I live in think that I'm a drug abuser and I have mental health problems and I'm a bad mother. To the open eye of the public my ex is the life and soul of a party and would do anything for anyone. I don't no what to do even if I win this court case it won't be long untill he does this again. I love my daughter and would fight untill my last breath for her but mentally I don't think I am strong enough to do this every year or couple of year's untill she's an adult. Any advice will be most grateful

3:54 PM  

Any fellas on this forum? I'm starting to suspect my partner is aspd. We've 3 kids under 5 and want to leave but get custody. In UK there is little chance of the father gaining custody. any tips on swaying the outcome? Sounds like documenting behavioural evidence may be key.

8:44 PM  

I have two children with my ex he is a liar munipulater and uses women to support him. We split up in 2005 after years of lies, cheating taking money from me, emotional abuse, and so on. In the 1st year and a half i had full custody he didnt show up to court for court or my emergency order about leaving my kids dirty in diapers almost naked living with several men in the house and drinking. The day i left he filed for welfare and lived off that for awhile. he constantly harrassed me i filed another emergency order at that point they gave him 50% custody because he happened to have a job at thispoint. He left me alone for awhile when he got in a new relationship. always lied when he moved coming up with excuses when he had actually been evicted several times for not having rent money. he got on welfare again but this time they stuck me with child support 560 dollars that was huge money to pay i had to work out arrangements since i then had changed jobs to work closer to my house and couldnt afford taking the kids to and from school everday on my weeks. Big mistake although i still got equal time by having them all break summer and vacations. Earlier this year he filed police reports saying my current husband was abusive after 9 years of our marraige although cps, and court didnt believe it to be true they gave him more time since the kids were used to being with me on weekends. he now uses the court order to have them for half of vacations and such my custody went from 50 to roughly 28% right after court he filed a child support modification and since hes still not working he got 620. if thats not bad enough the kids are starting to lie, grades are down to d's and f's he makes excuses for everything like the school doesnt like them. on wednesday he plays pool gets drunk and thursdays are natorious sick days or late days at school. when i ask the kids why they didnt go they say dad either said they could stay home or dad was too drunk the night before and didnt wake up. how do i prove all of his lies. the problem is i live two towns over the kids grew up where he lives in his big house where his new sugar momma lives so kids have plenty of room and comforts. i live in a decent size house but we are crowded because im helping my mother in law raise my 3 nephews and i have an older son and younger daughter so all the boys share a really big room. my mother in law is a bit crazy and things can get tense. although i like that they are drama free and have plenty of space with thier dad im fearful his lies and lifestyle is only hurting my children. they see its ok to lie, be lazy, not work, and not attend school. along with making excuses like schoolwork is to hard or the teachers dont like them i really need advise on this anyone with your thoughts please help!

4:03 PM  

My sister found this site for me after she blew up on my ex this evening. She is concerned for me and was sad and angry on my behalf. My ex has served me with court papers trying to take my children from me. he has lied and said that he didn't know that I was moving to AZ with our 2 sets of twins ages 3 and 5. I am up on charges of, kidnapping and extortion. And I don't know what else. He has helped me since moving down here 4 of the 6 months of us being here. He has not really helped more then that during the course of our relationship. He used drugs heavily and drank over the course of us being together. He hit me, damaged property , chased me around a table me and my daughter, (not by him) by knife point and I didn't have him arrested. All in front of 3 of the 4 babies that we have together. (Can someone answer this question, why when you call on domestic violence, the cops treat you as the guilty party? Had they arrested him as I was asking them to do, he would not have been able to get into his car and drive away as he did. And I'd not lost my nerve to have him arrested. ) I am so foolish that I never reported anything. He called me last night and told me that if we didn't get back together one of us would die of a broken heart. He then said it was me in his dream and that it was so horrific that he couldn't tell me all the details. He called and talked and text me that we had to get all the negative jealous people out our lives and basically be together. A couple hours into the night he was back to taunting me about court as I cant afford a decent lawyer, or a lawyer period. And how he will see me then. That he serious about preserving his relationship with his children. I feel so helpless and lost. And he turns everything around and makes me the guilty party. His case alleges neglect on my part, names my Mom as an abuser. While he was down here for the holidays, staying in my house and driving my car he called child protective services on me. They came and found his statements unwarranted. But all of this was for he could present it in court. I am so lost and I have feelings of unworthiness and I text and called him giving in to all the demands he listed on the court papers and he told me no, we would see this thru. Then if or when we get back together in the future we would have said and done everything to one another. I honestly feel as I am going to loose my babies. I have given him all the ammunition he needs against me and I've no time to help my case. I respond to his taunts he knows how to push my buttons and knowing this, I still let him!! He has put me thru so much that I do not recognize myself any more. I want to give in and give up and he wont even allow me that out. He wants to take me away from home back to Chicago for a case, and take off work and pay for a plane fare I can not afford. I am lost, please help me. My court case is in a couple of weeks. There is so much I can say, but reading thru your blogs, you have said everything that I have been thru and the things that I still face and I'm terrified.

1:35 AM glad iam not the only one goig through this with my ex of 10 years we were together..I made a major decision to leave the abusive relationship, iam a Nurse and my ex had a major problem with me making more money and i totally refused to pay anymore of his tickets and so forth, its been 2 years since the break up it has been hell...for me and my to children son 13 and daughter 11..we have been in court the whole 2 years, he has done so much evil shit to me i cant believe this was the man i laid with in bed for 10 years. He has since then broken in my house, kidnapped my kids, tampered with my mail, chase me from the kids school,made a police accusation of me breaking out his windows. we went back to court for contempt of previous orders. He didnt want to go to jail so he settled with me to give me primary of the children and a mutual pick and exchange place, pay all the court fee and my lawyer fees and still have to pay me medical support...within a month from the orders he has violated 3 times already I just dont know what to do....He has went so far a to accuse me of breaking out his apt windows filed this with the police and they actual put a warrant for my arrest, now he has went even further to fax my JOB the actual charges against me and I had to meet with HR. My manager and HR were very understanding but even went further to send this false charges to the board of nursing, this had to be some sort of harassment i just dont know what to do anymore. I pray everday and night for me and my children including my ex bc i dont understand why he has gone to such extreme to even try to get me fired from my job and under investigation with BON, Can someone please help me understand what needs to be done from this point. I cant let him destroy.

2:36 AM  

After marrying a great guy, I was involved in a very bad car accident, & shortly thereafter had a child with him. It was only then that his entire demeanor changed, he went into full-blown sociopath more. I was in it. shock, totally stunned, ('dI 1st thought he had a brain tumor, until he beatme, in front of our 2 1/2 year old childit. . I eventually had a full-blown mental breakdown. I was just where he wanted me. Unable to work, disabled, & stuck staying with him, since I had nowhere & no money to leave him.

4:59 AM  

Wow, this is like reading my own situation. Only I am the father and my sociopath ex our sons mother. She is still trying to maintain control over me at all expenses. Including at the expense of our son. Worst is that due to the social preference for mothers in break-ups it is extremely hard to convince court / child protection services that the mother cannot feel empathy, guilt or remorse. Society normally assumes a mother has maternal instincts and my ex is extremely cunning in playing the victim, playing the poor single mother whilst she was always abusing me and our son. Never with his best interest in mind, always trying to pit me down at my sons expense and capitalize at out sons expense. Any suggestions how best to deal with this monster when we go to court next month? Any help greatly appreciated. A loving father

6:00 PM  

Yeah, got 1 son. 1.5 year old with an Irish woman in Ireland. Courts are extremely biased towards mothers in Ireland. Still not giving up though. I'm documenting everything. Here days of abusing and controlling me at our sons expense are over. Her days of abusing our son as a moneymaker are over. Keep religiously documenting everything of your sociopath ex. They sure dig their own grave. Show no mercy, you sure never got mercy from them and words like empathy or guilt are alien to these monstrous woman

6:29 PM  

Okay so I am in the same boat with so many of you! My ex is a controlling manipulator who uses bribery and accusations to sway anyone he comes in contact with. My son reported to his therapist that there were some very inappropriate sexual behaviors by his dad, forcing him to watch porn with him when my son was only 8 and more. My sone has had two different therapists and one psychiatrist write declarations on his behalf stating that contact and/or visitation would be irreparably damaging and traumatizing and put my, now 10 year old, son at risk.

The therapist contacted CpS and my son went through a forensic interview at the children's hospital, but they did not charge my ex, ( although the case has been sitting in the D.A.'s office for almost a year as part of their backlog.)

There are declarations from all of his children's and step children, his ex wife, family friends etc. but he has had us un court now for 2 years prolonging it every chance possible.

So here is my worry: now he is saying that he will honor my sons desire for no contact if I send him monthly updated about my son and his health, school, and activities and send along with a picture. He also wants our address, the ability to speak with the school and all other doctors and therapists.

I am not afraid of disclosure, but am very concerned about the need he has to speak with the health officials since in the past it has caused conflict, I had to find a new pediatrician befor i Myers son was 6 months old. I

It feels like another ploy to control and manipulate the professionals. I do not share court activities or bad mouth my ex to my son, I want my son healthy and we are trying to rebuild but it seems that this request to speak with all health officials is a plot to infuse him back into our lives.

Any thoauagahts I could use some guidance because my son and his welfRe is getting buried in the courts with all of his manipulation and lying.

12:43 PM  

I have a situation that I'd like to know if anyone out there has dealt with. My ex has a software program on his computer that sends him all of our children's text messages and emails for him to read. The children are 12 and 14 and I know that many parents do this for their teens as a protection. I get that. What happens in our case though is that my ex also reads any text message that I send to our children or email. He then uses the information against me. It's gotten so bad that I feel like I cannot text my children for fear that he is reading every word. Legally he has the right to monitor their text messages but I get the fall out of that. Any ideas??

4:53 PM  

Anyone, good tips to proove the craziness of the sociopath? My abuser is clever liar and good at making him look like he's the victim.

2:39 PM  


11:02 PM  

Omg what do I do reading all of these I cannot understand myself. how did I get caught up In This evil person
I have just started to come out from behind my rosé coloured glasses. I know what needs to be done though I am struggling a bit with myself. all of this that he is doing is just CRAZY
He is not home tonight though can someone let me know if this could be right
Tonight round 720pm I received a phone call. the house phone rang I answered it and someone was on the other end making a horrible shouting noise at me then they hung up . This co-insides with me telling him not to come home this w/e as we have discussed separating and I am like this is my w/e with the kids. he did not like it one bit. Could that of been a behaviour of a narcissist loosing control?
I M not sleeping it is 1am aust time
Could this of been him?.

10:08 AM  

So glad to know I am not alone. My ex prevailed in court with an amazing attorney who knew EXACTLY how to keep him from being seen for who he really is. We had a grueling several year custody battle for our child and he got 50/50. I had more evidence than one would believe, multiple testimonies and even videos and it got me nothing. I honestly don't know if a sociopath can truly be caught in court, especially one with a high intelligence level. I pray for all the children (including mine) that have to grow up being used and mentally abused by a sociopath for their own selfish games. One day maybe the courts and world will realize how serious some of these sociopaths can be. The one thing I have always struggled with and I'm sure others here have also is the question of whether I traded in being able to protect my child from this psycho for my own happiness? I am now not there every day to keep her shielded from his disgusting behavior and abuse and feel like i threw her into the "lions den." I just don't know what else I would have done though...

12:46 AM  

I understand some of you have dealt with crazy individuals but this is your childs parent. My ex wife would describe me as a socio path yet she is the one who has called me a poor parent, and used every angle possible to strip the kids from me. Maybe shes really the sociopath who knows...

2:42 AM  

linda, use an instant messanger called kids have it. n the send me messages vs. really has helped so much.

7:14 PM  

God is most present in people who are struggling suffering and are with less. So the comfort in the struggles is god present. Being mindful breathing deep and staying aware of who and what your dealing with helps me alot. Although knowing it is no shocker the system is broken the ex is deranged and the stress levels rise to make it so hard to stay in the moment when dealing with so much on your plate. I love this the feeling the advice everything makes me feel calmer about the imminent turmoil that awaits the kids myself. I have two kids girls 9 and 4 the oldest one is a copy of the dad highly medicated and kinda scary. The little one is sick with a rare IPH lung disease. He's a heavy smoker and wants summer custody of both. He was never in their lives but we're married only on paper and he never lived with us. He is too much trouble. I agree with the advice and I keep voice mails of him acting nuts I look him up online and he's got a mugshot in Florida for assault striking being a wife I don't know if it gets you any records of arrests. I think it's about power and control for the person who lies all the time. The only thing I can count on is the romper room anger and lies. I can see how this is overwhelming to everyone. I took tons of classes on parenting and keep the notebooks and receipts also I go to the doctors regular with the kids and have them document in the reports supportive mom and mentally ill dad. Also I Ho to church and have them see us weekly in class for Sunday school also something to document care and character of parent. Lastly I'm exhausted and have been depressed so I take Sam - and HTP-5 Calm I rest if I'm doing too much. I was given a book called Jesus is calling and it goes daily with messages paragraph that can be uplifting to read the interpretation of the verse I think it's for people who are struggling with life. That's were I learned god is giving you this to keep him the most present in you helping you to lean on him. The crazy excessive abusers need constant stimulation and feel most alive when the get your goat don't let them change who you are breath and stay focused on that instead of them call blocking helps. this is helping to keep me

10:43 PM  

How about if you are the man? My wife decided one day she just didn't even want to be married anymore. She took the entire summer off from taking care of our kids. She let our son run wild while I was working. My daughter started cutting and what was her answer to her? Oh yeah "get over it". So whe I see these post I will tell you that there are always two sides to every story. As men we are automatically accused of being the bad person. We are the ones because a court system is set up against us to be kicked out of our own house. Everyone wants to blame the other side. Sad thing is that there is always a helping hand for women, but never for the man. We end up losing everything because everything is stacked against us.I was married for 20 years. Did we struggle yes like many in America. The problem is I had a wife who loved her friends more than me. She worked for an Airline. So she was always wanting to go on trips with her girl friends. I would say just remember you represent me when you go. But it was never enough. Now she is sending this website to people to try and some how justify her situation. Just remember when you post this stuff. That one should never throw stones if they live in a glass house. I am all for support groups but when I see this stuff I just wonder where the support is for the male.

7:08 PM  

I started crying when I read this, I've been feeling so alone in this battle with my ex. And it's not just him being a sociopath his wife has joined the party of abuse and attacking me. And thank u for step # 1 - I needed to hear this. I get so afraid of what my ex is going to do, because of what he put me through in the past and the abuse has now extended to my kids. I have come to the conclusion that we need to be careful who we breed with - because their abuse can ruin your life

10:51 AM  

Hello. My soon to be ex accused me falsely of domestic violence, for which I was not arrested. Then later she photoshoped the pictures that she submitted to the court. She is under courted order to get pshyco eval. If that concludes mental health issues can I safely assume I will get Primary custody? I want her to be in the kids lives, but have been primary care giver up until the separation, but her lies caused her to get primary in temporary orders.

10:33 PM  

Thank you all for sharing. I cry as I read this b/c for so long I was so scared and alone. I have panic attacks when I have to go meet him to get my son. I have no doubt ofwhat he's capable of. I have filed for pfas, reported harrassment, and have finally called cps for my son. I pray this is all resolved soon and that he will just leave me alone.

2:31 PM  

Here's a question for you what about when your son is the sociopath and had to live with his biological father who sees no wrong because he has aspergers syndrome. He manipulates his law guardian and his father and gets away with traumatizing his sister who just expects it at this point as "normal". She also has aspergers

6:50 PM  

I have been going through this since I separated from my ex in 2004 - 10 years. He had me arrested and brought in for psychiatric assessment as a danger to myself or others (I was released with something to help me sleep after a 15 minute conversation with the psychiatrist), he reported me to the children's aid society, went to our family doctor who supported the ex parte order to prohibit me from seeing my kids (without ever talking to me - once the CAS worker met with me, all orders were dropped and I was completely cleared), emptied the joint bank account - with only my money in it as he hadn't worked for a year - leaving me penniless. All that was only in the first 3 months after separation. Since then it has been a living nightmare trying to co-parent with him. More recently, my daughter developed an eating disorder and my son is alienated from me and clinically depressed. I was diagnosed with cancer along about the time my 13 year old son left and was served with two lawyers' letters for child support while not working and undergoing chemo. I ended up paying all of my daughter's first year university because he knew I was too sick to take him to court. I also paid him child support for my alienated son at the same time, just to get him off my back so I could recover.

I'm a lawyer and you'd think I'd be able to manage all this. But a psychopath gains energy from deception, lies and emotional reactions from others while we, the normal, are exhausted by it. I'm trying to dance the line between not letting him fleece me or lie about me and protecting my poor kids. They simply don't see the manipulator that he'll choose money and winning over them every time. I feel sick to my stomach just typing this because there's nothing I wouldn't do for my kids I love them so much.

The best advice I have seen here is to not take the bait and to document everything because they do hang themselves. Exchange with them as little as possible and only in writing or video. Imagine that he's a business colleague and behave and speak accordingly. Never, EVER doubt yourself or believe that you are crazy. I must say that even when he had me to my knees, I didn't think it was me - I knew it was him. It was what he was doing to my kids that was killing me.

My biggest problem - how do I help my kids see him for what he is without shattering their pretend world of having a perfect Dad? Most say you shouldn't try to do that. But my view is, my kids' emotional and psychological radar is so far off course now that they don't know up from down or right from wrong. They have me, who tries always to live with integrity, tell the truth and do the right thing and their Dad who "talks" to them about the importance of family and his engagement in their lives but whose talk about me is poisonous and whose behaviour is completely at odds with what he says. How will my kids ever be able to navigate the world when they have no true north for what's right or wrong. Isn't it my job to teach them that so they can at least start to steer their ships toward right? My poor son is so messed up - he was the most sensitive and sweet child. Now he's so depressed and doesn't even know why - he can't explain it - and I'm unable to help because I'm being kept at arm's length because of the alienation. It's an impossible situation that eats away at me every day.

I'm trying to learn to take it one day, one decision at a time. God please give me strength.

5:19 PM  

I'm in the same situation with a Sociapathic Addict. Its a nightmare. I have full legal custody of our 4 year old son but his father has supervised visitation every week for 2 to 3 days. Every point that this person wrote on how to protect yourself is 100% correct. Never ever give that person the benefit of the doubt. EVER. C.Y.A at all times.

7:18 PM  

My husband is going through the same with his ex.
His ex causes so many problems and changes our times to see his children at a whim. She tells the children he is an 'unfortunate circumstance' and that her new partner is their Dad.
At every opportunity she try's to involves me in her ridiculous accusations as well as dragging my husbands name through the mud!
We are currently in the process of trying to get a varriation on the existing contact and also we are having to put in so many details to avoid her from being able to constantly invade our lives...for example, threatening to come to our house when we have the children!
I can't see an end to it all, the children are being dragged out of cars by her and don't want to leave our house, when they have to return to her and her partner.

6:57 AM  

This is excellent advice. Many of these suggestions have been given to me over the years and I have been unwilling to accept that I am dealing with a sociopath and I could actually deal with him on my own. Unfortunately his behavior escalated. which I am learning occurs with most narcissistic sociopaths. I am in the fight of my life to strip him of visitation because he tried to have me killed and our shared children are frightened. So if you do not address this illness in court - how can you help the authorities fully understand the danger that faces the children? Where can you get help to prevent the risk of being killed?

12:11 PM  

I am having difficulty dealing with my ex in regards to my child. A year ago I chose to leave him. He was emotionally abusive to me. I am in a state far from all of my family. I left my daughter behind because I had no place to stay. When I requested visitation I was denied by her father. I filed court papers for an expidited court date. My ex told me I was only allowed to see her on his house. I won joint physical and legal custody. My issue now is the emotional abuse I still continue to ensure. Everything is my fault, I abandoned my child. I have caused untold emotional damage to her etc...He is condescending, intimidating, and threatening. I am going to school and he watches her on the nights I am in class. He tells me I am a bad mother for not having her more. He text messages me at least twice a day regarding our daughter. Truthfully they are uneccessary questions. I am in therapy trying to deal with it. When he berates me I am almost paralyzed and can't defend myself. I find myself falling back into that pattern of guilt. Everybody including my attorney has told me I just have to deal with it. It is starting to take a tremendous toll on me. Any advice would be appreciated.

4:45 PM  

Geez. Another guy. I was starting to wonder.

8:18 PM  

Well the fact that there are so many of us that are being driven to he point of sheer insanity by clever, manipulative, charming (seemingly knight in shining armor to the untrained eye and any stranger willing to congratulate them) is unnerving. My SPath is South African. He slept with an engaged woman in his country to get the papers done asap to come to the US. He then found a drug addict/molested woman to prey upon and marry to get his green card. I didn't know that he was even *married* when I met him. We had to children and one day he just up and left - in fact he left with a text threat to the effect that our youngest was 'not safe' with him around. He's seen the children for the last three and a half years supervised by me. He now gets caught in a sick double life... he's married again. New wife. She (poor thing has such insecurities) believes everyone is out to get her poor husband. She's in for a big surprise, she's been warned what kind of person he is, but to no avail. From what my lawyer has told me the previous statements are correct - K.I.S.S.. Trying to explain that your ex is a SPath is like trying to explain astrophysics to a three year old. It's useless. The best thing is to buy yourself time, keep as far away from them while you are dealing with court issues, report all things to your lawyer in emails, and know that an SPath will eventually hang themselves because they start to lose track of all the lies they have told everyone. I had the ex's sister talk to the new wife and, hey, ask the wife if she has ever met any of his *friends*. So, lo and behold, the new wife had the same answer as I did - hum... I don't think I've ever met any of his 'friends'. There's your sign. Too many 'friends' means too many lies to keep track of... fewer is easier for them. They leach YOUR friends and claim them as their own and pretend that they care. They're able to chameleon themselves in an instant. You have GOT to keep eyes in the back of your head and remain calm. They will slip up. And as mentioned earlier, go to church. SPaths hate church - they hate the feeling that something else is more *superior* than they are. It's also a place to get the moral guidance kids need and your sanity back from people who genuinely care for you (unlike the stoic faces you'll get in court). Best of luck. I'm 7 years into this hideous mess, but only three months into the thick of the court crap. The kids are young - I have another 15 years of this SPath to deal with (not including the eventual other items like marriages etc for the kids - if, after they have heard enough, even decide that getting married is a good idea in this age of litigation). Best of luck to us all...

11:21 PM  

My daughter is going through this very same situation right now! She moved in with us 7 months ago and it has been a battle every second of the day since. Last week we got a permanent protection order proving him to be violent and dangerous to my daughter. We also got a PRE involved in the child custody case. This doctor is currently doing mental health evaluations on both parents. We call the police and document EVERY little thing he does to harass and abuse my daughter and grandchildren. He had broken into my house, vandalized vehicles and returned the kids with bruses. It is a process to get the right people to listen but we are starting to expose him to the courts. Finally, the doctors, schools, and therapists are seeing what he's doing. Yes, it is very expensive but worth it.

1:18 PM  

Yes, the restraining order is "just a piece of paper" but, it documents his behavior in a court of law. Yhis step is needed to prove your position. My ex son-in-law made a joke of the restraining order until the Judge ordered him to turn his gun over to the police department. Then he cried! In the grand scheme of things, that was a small piece but, a big piece too since he used it to threaten my daughter.

1:41 PM  

I am 10 weeks pregnant by a man who is all these things. He recently gave me a concussion amd I fear he will harm the baby. I really want this baby but I worry I'll be putting myself and this baby thru hell. What's worse, having an abortion or keeping the baby and fighting, worrying.etc for a lifetime?

8:38 AM  

I would like to say that after almost ten years of battling this with my current husband and his ex wife, THERE IS HOPE AND ESPECIALLY TO ALL THE MEN OUT THERE! MEN CAN GET SOLE CUSTODY! Our story did start like everyone elses' here. My husband left a very sociopathic and disturbed woman after almost 7 yrs of marriage. In the middle were his two precious children, one with major medical needs. She accused him of sexual abuse and lied about things i never imagined anyone BEING ABLE TO LIE ABOUT AND DID IT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE! Never was i prepared for anyone like her or how to deal with her. However we did keep detailed records and finally caught her in lie, after lie, after lie, after lie, and then his daughter that was only 4 at the time could not keep the story straight. I am thankful we had an amazing judge that was keen on her lies. Didnt stop the abuse tho that she was able to enact tho the times she had the kids, and the damage done. My husband had to go before a grand jury 3 times for indictment. they threw it out all times. My husband walked away with sole custody, and she has had intense, limited, supervised visitation for almost 5 yrs now. and no end in sight. BUT, litigation with these kinda ppl will never stop. If ur going for the gusto, HIRE A COMPETENT ATTORNEY AND BE PREPARED TO SHELL OUT SOME CASH! and take them to the cleaners. push for detailed orders and home study and competent psych evals, and never settle for ANYTHING THEY WANT YOU TO. because if u don't it will always be a nightmare for u. she still tries but is always unsuccessful because ppl like this NEVER CHANGE THEY ONLY GET WORSE.

2:02 AM  

You say court, i assume it is not a custodyy trial. 1. Keep your cool! Be sure to not raise your vvoice no matter what is said. 2. Document! Bring all nnotes, emails, text messages to support your claims. 3. "Our" child! Never "my" sonn/daughter. 5. Know what it is you are asking the court for.

I have been forced to hhave a full blown trial to protect our son. 25 months of the worst hell you can imagine. She claimed domestic abuse but drop complaint. Her claims were enough for the court. No investigation! I lost my temper with the law gaurdian too. My son had three open sores on his body bbut moms complaint that i yelled at her because she does'nt bath causing the sores was no concern to anyone but me! Long long story but trust me and learn from my mistakes! Also, get an attorney! The best you can afford! No better than you can afford!! You are in for a ride, the ride of your life! Trust me, you wiill not be emotionally or physically prepared! The system is broken! Mothers still have the upper hand no matter what you are told!! Good luck!

8:56 AM  

I forgot to add this. Remember always, lawyers don't always look out for your best interests. They talk and share with opponent and even though it may seem that they are trying to help you they, like water, take the path of least resistance. Speak up and make your own decisions on everything. Listen to thier advice but weigh it to your goals! Also , if your attorney has any personal issue goinng oon, i.e. custody issues of thier own or other family issues, find out right away and then go find another lawyer! I persoally am a bleeding heart and became emotionally invested in my attorneys drama. It was affecting the filing of motions and violations. That is why my case is in it's 25th month to date! Do all the research you can on your attorney!! My attorney now thinks i am a stalker because i searched the web and founnd out more than she wanted me to know. My son who is 9 was attacked by his mother while sitting on his bed. It took my attorney 5 weeks to file an OTSC even though i asked for action every week. Her life was getting in the way. She is a good attorney but my son is who i need to focus on not mmy attorney and her issues. I have spent ovver $17000 and we are waiting for trial decision when mom attacked him. When you have all of your money invested in your attorney you can't back out because you would have to start over. I am disabled and on fixed income so this is not an option! DO YOUR HOMEWORK! Good luck!!

9:21 AM  

The court will most likely give him thes rights unless you prove your claims. Get the best attorney you can't afford and get it put in "specific" terminology! I said "specific" and mean it! If you don't agree with the document in total or only think you understand something in it DON'T SIGN IT!!!! Do not assume anything! Be prepared for an emotional roller coaster! Know what you want and fight for it. Always put your child first no matter how much you despise the other parent. They are little gifts and don't need the drama. You will also need to accept this fact, your child knows more than you thinnk and will be marked by all of this! They not only hear and interpret things really well they have a sixth sense. They know! A conflicting relationship is damaging your child! Get it over with as soon as possible and move on! Address any concern or issues as they come up with school teachers and doctors. He may have the right to look and all the reports but you need to make the caregivers understand he has NO input! Get it in writting and enjoy your life with your child.

9:47 AM  


9:53 AM  

I would get the court order changed. Your conversations should be protected. I cant believe he has the right to read the texts unless he has sole custody. If that is the case then you need to only write general messages. Have your kids call instead of texting to you. You have the right to phone conversations without interference! ? ? ! Right?

10:00 AM  

I have been living a nightmare now for going on 5 years. My Ex is a trust fund kid and his family gave him all the money he ever needed to lie and deceive the California Court system. No one seems to understand the anger and frustration you feel as a mother who carries, births and protects your child at all costs. Because someone has unlimited funds to fight and Lie in court as well as an unethical lawyer
who will stop at nothing to take your child away from you just to get paid, they believe and trust what he says because he has the funds to pays them.
The CA courts don't care about what is right, ethical or whats in the best interest of the child....It is so disgusting and sad. If not for my family and all the love and support they have given me and my son, I don't know WHERE we would be.It feels like a never ending nightmare.

1:19 AM  

I’ve been divorced with my ex for the last 8 years. He was very abusive towards me. I went to the Police and asked for help. They did arrest him but it did not help the situation. I have a daughter who is 14 years old. He still managed to get a joined custody 8 years ago. One year ago my daughter refused to go to his father’s house based on her father’s abusive behavior. My ex hired the most expensive Lawyer and failed a Contempt Motion; he tries to prove that my daughter was alienated by me which is absolutely not true. My ex lied in the Courts; he manipulated the truth and blocked my daughter from getting a Children’s Lawyer based on Alienation accusations. I spent $$$ and I am broke. It’s still a few Courts on the way. I do not know where to get more money to pay to my Lawyers. My ex is the biggest liar and the problem is that he is strongly believes in his lies. I worry so much about my daughter’s wellbeing. She is getting sick all the time, doesn’t want to eat, and doesn’t want to go to school. She stopped taking piano lessons, she was the best in her school, she stopped swimming lessons, and she just locks herself up in her room and cries. What can I do, how can I help my daughter?

10:30 AM  

I have came back to this site multiple times to reread what I already know. I'm currently in the process of divorcing a clinically diagnosed sociopath. After an assault and a PPO I still struggle with NO. 11 and 13. He spent fifteen years grooming me and it has had a lasting effect. "It's not that big of a deal that he sent me gifts even though it's breaking the PPO. It's not like he's on my doorstep." "If I call the police they probably won't believe me, or they'll think I'm the crazy one." and the thought I hate the most "He's going to be so mad if I tell." But if even one time I don't uphold the law he feels he lives above, he will escalate into more aggressive tactics. Knowing and acting on that thought goes against everything he ingrained in me for years. So I come back and once again read the rules of how to deal with this disorder and tell myself you HAVE to follow through on this. It really is your life and more importantly your children's lives at stake. Thank you for a reassuring article.

9:56 PM  

Omg I can so relate. I left my abuse when the two girls we have were two and one year old. That was seven years ago.
At first he made himself appear to be a sad single father. He said the mother of his first child went around town lying saying he abused her. He said he list his temper ONCE when he caught her cheating and was arrested. I moved in and became pregnant all within a month. Then he changed. He became extremely controlling. I was told what to wear, not allowed to have friends, not allowed to watch Tv. He hit me seeminlg out if nowhere. He once hit me BECAUSE I'M WAS CRYING.

The final straw was when he ripped my clothes off AGAIN and choked me in front of the kids. I remember the look on her face, helpless and scared.

Out if all the times he hit me I NEVER hit him back, yet he told hus family that he lived in fear of ME and that I abused him. I tried to remind his mom of his arrest for beating his oldest daughters mother and she still accused me of being violent. I wanted to scream.

I had the last laugh though because he has been arrested yet again for assaulting a female. That makes it the THIRD time arrested for assault and the THIRD PERSON he assaulted.

However, he is supposed to get visitations. I don't feel safe sending two defenseless girls over to a man I know firsthand is violent.

It hurt me to hear my cousin tell me to let it go, that when he beat me is in the past now, and that I should let him see the girls.

2:55 PM  

My nightmare is too long to comment about but after reading all of this I can assure you I have been living a made for TV movie like all the rest of the commenters. I have done quite an extensive study of sociopaths so that I can better understand my husband's son's mother. The one thing that none of us can understand is that she never has one horrible thing to say about me. With all of her sociopathic actions I'm the one that she seems to stay clear of. I have never done or said a foul word to her or about her. I respect my step-son's mother. But within that respect it is just for show to him. I do not allow that person in our home or to even come to our home. She is poison and I do not want her toxic activity to invade our family. She knows very well how I feel about her because my husband has explained her actions to us as a family in court ordered therapy. My husband has custodial and it took us 2 years to get his son. We have been in this 4 years now and still not 1 dime of court ordered child support. She has made 2 payments in 4 years and only because jail was threatened by a judge. She seems to magically come up with the money by 5:00 PM when jail is the alternative. She has scared off every girlfriend that my husband ever had. Her emails were used in court. Horrible things that she would say to these innocent people. Threatening false accusations about their time spent around her son when he was with Dad. Even to the point of telling her son to say certain things to these woman that apparently she was very jealous of. Yet with me, even from the beginning, she never said or did one thing to me. So we can't figure out why. Why not attack me? It's her nature to hate me even more, after all I am the one that he married. He never married her. With everything that I have read about sociopaths we just don't understand why she hasn't come after me.


12:34 PM  

My ex wife is the same. Ever since my son has been born I was put directly on child support cps was falsely called on me the police was falsely called on me to try to get a restraining order my visitation was denied repeatedly she manipulates the court system and she never cooperates with a court order because everything has to be on her terms. My son is just a pawn to her a tool to use to get her way. The problem I have is when her and I broke up 10years ago she already had another boyfriend. He is no better than her. Together they cooperate stories and treat me son like an outsider. My son is 9yo he told me yesterday that he couldn't go outside because he didn't have enough "credits" it cost 2 credits go outside on weekdays and 5credits to go outside on weekends. He also needs 3credits to eat dinner 2 credits for lunch 1 credit for breakfast 1 credit for snack and 1 credit for dessert. If he does not have enough credits for a meal then he has to eat pb&j while everybody else eats the food that was cooked. If his mom takes him on a trip somewhere its fifty credits. If they have something like pizza then he has to use his credits for that as well. He earns credits by doing chores. Chores are 2 credits but opportunity chores are 5and up credits. If he takes too long or does not do a chore correctly then its negative credits. I cried when my son told me this. Then he said "I just want to be off this system. And he also said the system is there to show him how expensive and ungrateful he is. My heart is broken because idk what to do she lives in Georgia I in Florida she knows she can't hurt me anymore so now my son has to feel it. If I say something to her then it will make things worse on him if I say nothing this will percist. I don't have enough money for a lawyer and I need help please.

7:08 AM  

Just start at the beginning, and document, document.....

2:21 PM  

If I'd known what my son and I were in for I'd have liquidated every cent and disappeared til the bastard finally o.d.'d.
In hindsight I'd rather give up everything I had and was by choice than have it beaten out of me physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and legally...and our innocent child.

8:26 AM  

Thank you for your advice. My ex is always trying to get me riled up while we exchange the kids by asking me inappropriate questions and trying to dig into my personal life. I want as little contact with him as much as possible. Now I know what steps to take to make that happen so thanks again.

10:52 AM  

I'm scared. I was with a Sociopath for ten years. He also had an extreme problem with sleeping with absolutely ANYONE! I found out he was having affairs with men on Craig's list and one of them was HIV positive. I live in rural Kansas. I came into money when my father passed away when I was 16.He ppreyed on me. He used me for money and a comfortable lifestyle. When I started having problems with my knee, he left me. He has made remarks such as "I will do ANYTHING to get rid of you and get you out of my life." He has also convinced everyone that I am insane, discrediting me and dehumanizing me in every way possible. I have so much faith in God and he is working miricles for me and my daughter everyday. He bankrupted me. Last week, the car I was awarded in my divorce was repossessed. I know he has a collection of sales jobs and assets and it is just another form of abuse. He is a salesman and can do a "sales job" on anyone. In 2003, I graduated from college with a Bachelor's of Bussiness in Finance and Management. He made me feel like "anyone could do it" and graduating was "not a big deal." I didn't even go to my graduation because he belittledmy accomplishments my terribly bad. He helped in raising my daughter. I have let her see him over the past two years since the divorce. He manipulates her so badly to gain negative information from her about me that we both said "enough." It is heartbreaking that he used my daughter as a pawn in his game. I am so scared of putting a restraining order on him. You see, he is a MASTER at what he does. He will literally do ANYTHING to hurt, kill or destroy me. For one thing the person he is, is not the person he perceive s to be. He puts on a show and if there's an audience he is at his high in feeding off the attention. He has dehumanized me. His friends bully me, call me names and gang up on me as if they were on high school. He slept with my friends and even my sister so in no way did I have an ally. He convinced everyone I was worthless, crazy and even started making fun of my looks. I have been so defeated. He has four felonies and has not spent ONE day in jail. He manipulated lawyers, judges and other professionals. He comes across as "witty." He is glib. He is articulate. He has the most convincing rhetoric I have ever seen. I even had a boss with a Masters degree in Rhetoric and she was no match for him. I'm so terrified of him! Can anyone help me?? I have confided in my very best friends, my daughter and my nephew but if I come up missing, it was him!!! It was him!! My name is Kelly Gwen Schmidt. Please pray for me and with me that his evil will stop. That he be binded from harming me and my daughter.

12:00 AM  

I divorced my ex-husband 9 years ago. He remains a sociopath. He is nothing short of pure evil. He lies & tells everyone he lives at my address, he owes our children over $37,000 in child support. He lies to the courts, the police, and everyone believes him. He went above & beyond abuse, when I finally went to the police (the last time he beat me) the officer told me "this isn't abuse, it's torture".I get very upset & emotional at times, but I am still alive. He remains in our children's lives, but has caused them more heartache than I can bare at times. I guess the important thing is that I got away.

5:07 PM  

2 years later he still hates me and almost has our daughter turned against me.

7:05 PM  

I cant stop crying I am so glad I'm not alone because I've been alone since the day I met him.... We have a 4 yr old daughter that he refuses to see and says it's my fault since he believes umm suppose to bring her over to him. He has dragged my name through the mud accused me of drug use(I've smoked pot but not since before Brooklyn was born) saying I'm a meth addict(this is comical since I done even drink and he is the I've that's been in rehab 6x. The best part is his new girlfriend grass 2 girls one is 10 months old and was born while she was doing time for a felony drug charge..... Making that 4 felony drug charges that woman is looking for someone right care for her since she will never have a job paying more than min wage with all her felonies. I have for the past 3 yrs kept all text email voice mailsbeaver up to a cloud server since He's taken my micro sd and chewed them up believing all evidence is gone. I'm still hurt and my therapist says I have ptsd because of the mind control and abuse ive endured. Luckily I got us out when my baby was 6 months old. She's 4 now and her dad hasn't started the 1st tier of his supervised visitations. He says He didn't need anyone seeing how He interacts with his child.... Whatever.... 6X in rehab but he's drinking after being home 2 days. He's threatened me and my baby with death recently So tomorrow I'm getting a protective order. He's already taken all my dreams of being a family and hanging major children away. He's destroyed anything I find joy in. .

12:23 AM  

What to do when u can't afford a lawyer. My ex husband just had a baby with his girlfriend. She is very jealous of me an loathes the fact that I had him before her an we have 3 kids. Ages 12,10,7. There has been domestic violence in front of them an she has even physically,mentally,an verbally assaulted them. I report to CPS but the only investigation they do is ask her an him if the incidents happen they of course deny then case closed. I even have their docter,psychiatrics,counslers to call in an write statements to CPS, but they don't care they believe him an close every case iv open an one worker even wrote that he has good parenting skills an no abuse is going on. The girlfriend has a criminal record an my ex has domestic abuse on him. Still CPS believes in the victim my ex plays. He does any and everything his girlfriend says, which I don't give a flip except it involves him cutting off any an all communication with me so I have no way of seeing or knowing anything about my kids. I have my 12yr old because she refuse to go back after the physical attack by the girlfriend, but he has my 10 an 7yr old. The girlfriend is trying to make like he didn't have a life before her. She even claims that their baby boy is the next line of generation for my ex,like my 7yr old son don't even exist. They don't even want them, they only keep them for fear of child support an more money back on taxes. An my ex hasn't even took them to any kind of docter or dentist in over a year, has missed several docter an dentist appointments, abruptly took one of the kids off their meds an could have caused a seizure which once again CPS has continue ignored even when I provided proof. The girlfriend tracked down my abusive ex bf an gave him my address an new number just for vindictiveness. I could go for court order visitation but I'm very fearful of their reaction because he has money for good lawyer an I don't have money for one at all. I want custody but am on disabiltty an living in hotel right now since I don't have ex husband income any longer an housing authority here is not even accepting applications. Also the courts here DOES NOT favor the mother over father. I feel hopeless an helpless for my children an the ability for me to protect them with the corrupt system. I'm leaning on God an trying not to plot revenge for the harm they are doing an trying not to have a angry bitter spirt. Im looking for a sign that I should go for visitation despite the fear of my ex an his girlfriend causing more drama an chaos an possible my ex gaining custody in response to my court order legal action

1:51 AM  

I was wondering if anyone knows how much weight a psychologists evaluation holds in court. My husband has turned into a completely different person ever since we had our little one. She is almost two. I want to leave him, i believe he is a narcissist and the psychologist told him that his extreme behaviours will end him up with no and no kid. He withdrew from therapy bc he git yncomfortable. I still see the psyche i also have other evidence...

7:35 AM  

My situation is unique. But it is not unheard of. I was with my ex boyfriend for a good 6 years till he went to jail. We both had substance abuse issues and due to that we willingly gave guardianship to my mother. The first 6 months of my ex being away in jail was an insane roller coaster. I struggled deeply with my addiction, became homeless and had stolen from my mother which caused her to stop speaking with me or contacting my children. I went and got help and have been clean since. However, the more clear my mind became the more I began to realize the extreme chaos I had put myself, our children and family thru. I have moved on and have a new boyfriend as well as a new baby. My ex has been constantly telling lies about me, my new bf and family. Heck, even our children. I am constantly reading things about narcissist, sociopath and abusers. Even though my therapist saod not to. I need to, so I can educate myself and my family on how to deal.

1:11 PM  

Hi, Im new here,
My son who is 12 an has special needs!!
He is with his dad for a little holiday, I have since found a video of my son that he took on his last holiday. I was horrified he videoed him eating a hot chilly an laughing his head off his girlfriend too, I could see that my son was very upset. I have now asked for my son to come home an my ex is being awkward, and abusive. He does not know I seen the video, Im picking my son up tomorrow, but need advice on what to do next?? thanks for reading!!

4:31 PM  

So many of us are going through the same thing and its only sad. FAITH will prevail and I am praying for us all! I just went to trial and the judge believed too many of his lies...did I mention he cried..twice. She clearly doesn't know he's a sociopath. Does any one know how to get a court order for his records from the counselor? I need them.

7:38 PM  

I'm dealing with the same issue. My sons dad and I have been split up for two years and he is in a relationship and has another child. I haven't seen him in over a year I have my mom deal with him to exchange our child because he doesn't get the meaning of civil and civil ONLY there's always other motives behind it. I thought we could try and bury everything to try being civil but I was wrong, he started calling me a few weeks ago asking if we could try again and that he thought about me a lot but when I told him that I was no longer romantically interested in him he did a 180 and was back to using our son against me. I have a court date for nothing but total lies and I'm at the point where I don't want to deal with him whatsoever period because he's so mad that I don't want him so hes trying to make my life hell just as he's done the past 5 years that we were together. How do I get any peace from this situation?

3:56 PM  

This document was word for word correct and helped a lot in dealing with my wife's ex husband

10:32 AM  

I am sorry for all of you/us. This is horrible to live with sometimes.

5:50 PM  

This terrifies me, too. At first, I deleted everything that "tied" me to my ex in order to rid myself of this nightmare. That wasn't very smart. I have since documented, and it is just a waiting game. I became physically ill with pneumonia and fell into a terrible state. I blamed myself for not seeing this sooner and for thinking that I could "fix" the problems in order to give my child a full life. Now, I am on constant alert just trying to keep my childs life normal. It is unfair that the good parent is the one to suffer, since the consequences fall on the child...and only the good parent cares about how the child is being harmed. I'm not sure there is a real solution. Avoidance is great, but that depends on the sociopaths willingness to let it go. It doesn't seem likely in my case, but I pray that this is the route that he eventually chooses. I am living a nightmare that I will never wake up from. I try to focus on keeping the child as untainted as possible. And I thank my family and friends for listening. Unless you have dealt with this directly, it is impossible to understand.

10:22 AM  

Ditto on all accounts...the crazy making, the lies and manipulations, the abuse, the utter confusion and dismay, the emotional responses to the "bait", the self doubt, and me looking like the crazy one...when the actual crazy one looks perfect in all eyes, the demoralization, the traumatized children, the never-ending financial drain trying to protect them, the constant fear of losing them...17 years of fear, only 7 more to go...but I will never give up, for their sake and mine. They are the loves of my life, and with God's help, I will fight to protect them till my dying breath...knowing this fight may never end. Prayers for us all.

1:46 AM  

And PS...if you can afford it...request for the court to appoint a Guardian ad litem (GAL)..,this is an independent third party appointed by the courts to represent the best interests of a child in a divorce or parental rights and responsibilities case. They will listen to the kids, research the situation and provide a report and recommendation to the courts based on how the kids feel and behave in both environments.

1:01 AM  

I feel the same way abut my situation. I left my ex when my son was 14 months old and thought I did everything I could to protect my son but ended up sharing 50% custody of my son. It has been 6 years now (my son is now 7) and I'm remarried to a wonderful man and have another son (19 month old). However, my ex continues to play games and cause stress in our lives. Our divorce decree is vague and he chooses to interpret it how he wants to and continues to threaten my husband and I with his attorney. We don't have an attorney now and would need to get one since we are debating whether or not to go back to court. The financial and emotional stress court causes is crazy and my husband is worried the fight in court won't ever stop (since my ex loves to fight) if we take him back to court to clarify orders. I keep praying and my husband helps me stay sane through it all. Good luck to you and I will say a prayer for all of us dealing with these sociopaths.

9:07 AM  

I've been reading the stories for two hours. Out of all of them, yours it's the one i stopped and commented on. There are psychotic moms out there on sooo many psychotic levels. I'm dealing with one right now. Just wanting too see my son on my court ordered time and now she's keeping him from me cuz she started some bs with mutual friends and i straight put her on blast. Now she claims I'm physically,emotionally, and mentally abusing our son. I can go on and on....from what I've researched, brainwashing does exist. She's doing it right now to our son. Got court in DEC. And i put this on my son and life itself-She is a crazy person. She will be on this rampage towards me for like the next two years cuz of this. She doesn't care about the effect it'll have on our son. All she cares about is trying to mak me hurt in any way, shape, or form. Good luck.

7:23 PM  

I've been reading the stories for two hours. Out of all of them, yours it's the one i stopped and commented on. There are psychotic moms out there on sooo many psychotic levels. I'm dealing with one right now. Just wanting too see my son on my court ordered time and now she's keeping him from me cuz she started some bs with mutual friends and i straight put her on blast. Now she claims I'm physically,emotionally, and mentally abusing our son. I can go on and on....from what I've researched, brainwashing does exist. She's doing it right now to our son. Got court in DEC. And i put this on my son and life itself-She is a crazy person. She will be on this rampage towards me for like the next two years cuz of this. She doesn't care about the effect it'll have on our son. All she cares about is trying to mak me hurt in any way, shape, or form. Good luck.

7:31 PM  

My situation is a bit different my son lives with me and my daughter lives with her Father who I believe is a psychopath. The effects of having such a toxic relationship has set a course of destructive ripples in time even though I got out 10 years ago. 5 years ago my children both lived with me and I was a total train wreck just after he and I split for a very long time and so where they but I attended counseling along with the children. They witnessed so much physical and emotional abuse and healing is/has taken a very long time, day by day. I am stronger now then I was 5 years ago.However I made a terrible decision 5 years ago to allow my daughter to live with her Father due to what I now understand is one of the many repercussions of this disastrous relationship. She begun to imitate her Fathers behaviour, I know it was learnt behaviour her informative years were so chaotic a weak,fearful, depressed Mother and an unfeeling abusive manipulative Father. I was only ever in survival mode I describe like my being checked out and I was just going through the motions. I was very damaged and I believe my mind was close to a breakdown or had one. After a time of the separation my daughter began to act out quite violently she was 11 and beginning puberty also. I was still in contact with the children father and was not coping at all with the situation with my daughter I now have realized he was able to manipulate and convince me that she would be better off with him, in my moment of weakness I was diagnosed clinically depressed. So I allowed her to go live with her Father and now as more events come into the light I fear for her and regret this decision with every ounce of my being.He fully possesses her as he once possessed me as people are just objects to be owned and used. So I can't refrain from keeping in contact as I need to be there for her, in what limited capacity I can be as he makes it very difficult for me to maintain a relationship with her. I know he poisons her mind, I don't know what to do here, I cant protect her from this evil.

8:10 PM  

Need some advice from parents that understand: Currently I have full legal and physical custody of my child and my soon to be ex husband is a sociopath and is trying to vacate this custody order. In doing so my attorney is stating we need to prolong this as long as possible and the only way to do so is to release my 3 year old medical records. These medical records will most likely allow the court date to be prolonged. But at the expense of him knowing that my son has been diagnosed with autism. For 3 years I was able to keep his medical issues private from him and the courts and want to continuously do so because he will use this information as a way to control me, my son and his medical treatments. I know he will make life hell for me and my child. This scares the me. He hasn't had any contact with my child since she was 1 month old and I have restraining order for me..So the question is do I release such powerful information to a sociopath or not release this type information to a sociopath???? Thank YOu!!

10:58 PM  

My husband and I divorced he convinced me to sign the kids over to him after I left because he was abusive and I took our kids. We were in a battle for the kids and I was in a shelter. I left the state bc I have no family in this state but was ordered to give the kids back to him until the hearing. So I followed back but dropped the r.o. Before I did. I came back and went to a shelter they told me I needed to file another one so I did. I was able to see the kids on certain days but they still had him keep them until the next hearing. I got so tired of not being with my babies like a mom should he told me if I signed them over we would get back together and id never be away from them again. So as a mom I did just that the divorce was final and we have been back together since then.we have had issues since then and he was arrested but I signed an afidavait so he wouldnt be charged. He is our bread and butter and ive been so scared to leave and I dint want to leave my kids that far away. Now im regretting all of it and I want to know if theres anyway I can regain custody and move back home or if I can move back home get a place and a job where I have emotional support and get my babies back at least shared physical custody?

10:41 AM  

Thank you so much for sharing your courageous heart and determination for what is right. You have inspired me to continue to fight in court for my 5 year old son, and realising his narcissist father tendencies. I pray for court victories finally!

5:31 AM  

File a restraining order. Keep him away from you and your children. Sociopaths never change they just keep getting better at bullshitting people.

3:32 PM  

Wow I would tell my story but I've just read the same history from everyone on here. My daughter and I have been dealing with a sociopath for the last 4 yrs and the courts (we're on round 4) have seen fit to treat him as if he was a great guy who loves his child. He is actually a total narcissist who uses our daughter to try and get to me. He neglects her, leaving her alone for god knows how long, not feeding her properly, etc... Manipulates her constantly to the point where she's always angry when she comes home. He sprays her with fabreeze before she comes home to cover up the smell of his drug use. Trying to prove neglect is next to impossible and child services haven't been much help. My daughter is extremely smart and well spoken but she is very young and so they do not put much faith in what she has to say. I have come to the conclusion that the courts really don't care about these kids and will only step in after they are injured gravely. Lawyers don't want to do the leg work and judges don't want to stick their neck out. I'm afraid everytime my daughter goes for access that she will not come home. He left her alone at the ocean when she was 3 and when I called him out on it he did it again the next day of access. He is trying to passively hurt my child and I can't do anything to stop him. I document every thing, friends do the pick ups and drop offs at a public place and everything is filmed. Emails saved, txt messages saved. I minimize contact as much as possible. As much as the men on this site like to think that the courts are swayed in women's favor, they're not. They are swayed in the favor of people with no concience. Our poor kids, may they survive these douchbags!

10:43 PM  

The above comment about the courts thinking the sociopath/psychopath/N is a nice guy who loves his child is so common! Typical of these people and abusers. I have one myself. When will the courts learn? They wont. They are also filled with sociopaths and narcissists who act the same way. Lundy Bancroft said that abusers who do the same thing will band together in an abuser's group They will only say something about the way other abusers act if it does not mirror their own actions. Does anyone know how typical it is to have the children "diagnosed" with something you can then medicate them for or is it my own narc that is trying to replicate his hate/anger, drug filled childhood on his son? How do you not care so much about your children! Give control to the abuser and everything gets worse.

1:18 PM  

All of you are bashing the dad, there are sociopathic moms too. Currently my husband and I are dealing with one. She and her family are constantly trying to alienate his father. She believes she needs full custody yet she doesn't do anything with her child, she works the entire time she has him, and then tells him that his father hurts him. Which by no means is the truth. She is constantly lying and teaching her son to lie to try and get her way. Just because she is the mom does not mean she has the "right" to treat her child and his father this way.

3:27 PM  

We've all been through hell... The story is always the same & we all feel that we're the only ones going through it. We all love our children, otherwise we wouldn't endure this form of hell. I've spent 16 years dealing with this, over $36,000 for attorney fees & STILL going... We all think that the courts must see it but they don't. Sociopaths BELIEVE their lies so a judge has a hard time understanding the issue. The ONLY way to change this & the damage it causes our children is to CHANGE the laws!! Courts can only rule based on laws & there are NO LAWS on the books regarding this. Psych evaluations don't work because the Sociopath BELIEVES EVERYTHING they think. A Sociopath can be both female & male; I've seen both but they will always win if we don't change the LAWS. Let's join together to change the laws! I'm going to do it on my own but it's more effective if we join together. No longer will we & our children be victims, it's time we become VICTORS!! Reply if you're interested, if not I'm still going to move forward so NO ONE will have to suffer this crazy experience in silence. Much love to all of you going through this, know that you're children are suffering more & do something different! There is hope (trust me I know it seems like there isn't) but we ARE strong! LOOK at what you've been through, many people haven't experienced anything we have been through or will go through when dealing with a Sociopathic "co-parent".

1:56 AM  

Hi- I am divorcing a man who seems narcissist or sociopathic. He lies about everything. He obviously lies about his income, he owns a business but reports no income. He lies about me, our situation, everything. He manipulates anyone he comes in contact with. I feel like the world is turning against me, except my family and friends. We tried mediation today and it felt like he convinced the mediator that he deserves 50/50 custody. I left him when our daughter was 7 weeks old because he said he should shoot himself, then stormed out. I got scared and made police stay until I could leave with baby and dog. That's all I had. He immediately changed the locks on the doors so so I could not return. He tried to get me back but started his smear campaign against me. I decided I could not stay with a liar. I filed for divorce. He disappeared. 3 weeks before trial he surfaced with an aggressive attorney who doesn't follow rules. I only care about my daughter being safe and I'm scared that I can't keep her safe from him. I have so much fear inside of me because he is so vicious. I've lost my personal items, lost the joy of 1st time motherhood as I spent it living at my parent's house, wracked with anxiety, loss and feeling like my life has been on pause, bracing myself for the worst. There's so much more to tell. .. like he had supervised visitation and only 3 weeks before trial started using it. But he manipulated the supervisor and she lied to my attorneys about me. Oh ya and he is sleeping with his lawyer's assistant, she sausage she moved in with him just about 4 months after I left him! He has an 8 yr old daughter from a previous marriage. I can't believe what she is going through: her dad's new wife leaves with baby and a new chick moves in a few months later, wow! He only cares about destroying me. And some days, like today, I feel destroyed. I wonder what on earth made me have to deserve this treatment. I just want to be a good mother and he's destroying me. I wish he would be a good, attentive dad to our daughter but I realize he is incapable. He is sociopathic or something.

1:07 AM  

How do we change the laws? Where do we begin? I want to get involved!

1:08 AM  

I am a dad and going through this same kind of struggle and encountering the same behaviors posted here. I have had court orders which are ignored and vague qualifications to meet and have been led down one blind alley after another. I feel sorry for anyone who must endure these kinds of people and their behavior. God helps us all.

12:28 PM  

I'm IN! What do I do?

11:11 PM  

I need to talk to someone about what I'm going through with someone. Wish I could do it here.

9:05 PM  

Since my previous post we have gone through trial. My ex was caught in so many lies about his income and drinking. The judge saw through it. Unfortunately because the law preserves a parent-child relationship he still gets visitation, however it's a phased in plan starting with supervised visits. He has to get a psych evaluation. I'm afraid he will convince the psychologist that he is fine. He's being evaluated for depression. The judge had to specify what will be evaluated. All this is pending. I don't know when visits will start. I am nervous about it all and I truly, truly cherish every second with my child as I know she will have to spend time with her father whose mental health, priorities and intentions are all about himself. To change the laws... I'm not sure how. I think sharing stories is the first step. Finding ways to prove lies and manipulations is one way. Document everything. Report incidents to police, keep a paper trail. I'm wondering about getting a counselor for my child if necessary. I'm going to ask the daycare to note changes in my child's behavior and just track everything. I wish I could hire a private investigator to see what occurs on visits, if my ex watches her or leaves her to be watched by other people, etc...What else can we do? One great result of trial is that I have sole legal decision making. I get to make the big decisions on our child's well being like school, etc, thank goodness!

7:59 PM  

I am a father going through the same issues.

Keep in mind that their are a lot of disorders that may appear as Narcissistic or Sociopathic, but are really caused by other personality disorders.

I have to constantly document everything she says and does; including ONLY communicating with her through (a great tool for these cases).

Using the OFW website I have been able to clearly show documentation that shows she is outright making false claims, lying, or not telling the whole truth.

This has been great as she constantly files orders in court accusing me of various things that never happened, or claiming I did not respond to messages she sent asking about enrolling my daughter in a variety of activities and extracurricular activities.

Oddly, despite being presented with proof, the Judge dismissing her orders as what actually was said/happened was documented...she still claims what she said is true.

I have learned to even document EVERY SINGLE event on OFW sending her the message so she can not later claim something else happened (although she does anyway).

My custody case has been ongoing for over 2 years now (27 months) and we have had a GAL who recommended for me; so my ex sought a 604b evaluation (Psychological Evaluation).

That was interesting as it turned out she is not a Narcissist or Bi-Polar; but has a condition called "Paranoid Delusional Disorder".

She also has ADHD, Generalized Anxiety disorder, and a few other conditions that she will not take medication for. This all adds to the stress of the situation for me and my daughter.

We just finished a 2nd round of Psychological testing (a 604.5b as she did not like the 604b results).

This also went in my favor; yet despite the Guardian Ad Litem finding in my favor and TWO Psychological evaluations in my favor, she still is demanding a full trial over the custody.

So, expect to be in this for the long haul. I have spent $120k+ on this so far, but the safety and the best upbringing for my daughter is paramount to me, not money.

1:55 PM  

Similar story but with another factor, the new wife who is as abusive to my boys as to my ex.

Going back to court, it has been 9.5 years and 255k later

5:43 PM  

Oh sweetheart...let your family help you. Do not move away with not let him push your buttons or respond to his demands. Find a refuge or some abuse support group or outreach worker. That's what I did. He's feeding off your energy. The longer you're away from him the stronger you'll feel and the clearer you'll be able to see the situation. I did it with the help of a support worker and my family. Find a moment of strength and take it...for yours and your kids future xx

1:36 AM  

Oye vey. I thought I was done with this - it became worse when the ex married a narcissist just as bad as himself. I made more money, and my lawyer said to just "leave it alone, or he will come after you." So, I followed suit. Now, since he's remarried, his new wife has not been told the truth - that I paid for private school, insurance, his school, his time, so he could get his bachelor's degree. To her, I'm the villain, never agreeing to pay for last minute events for my boys. They schedule sports and events, without consulting me first, as ordered in the decree. I have my boys every weekend due to my work. When they schedule events, it interrupts the time and plans I've made for myself and the kids. I am expected to shuttle, be there , etc... However, this is not true of my ex, whose name is in the decree, works evenings and weekends ... because, you know, he WANTED a family, so he chose to be a music major and music minister so that he could, you know BE there for his family (enter sarcasm to the 8 millionth degree here_______________). Now, things are more difficult than ever, and it is SOOOO tempting to just give up ... as horrible as that sounds!!!! I'm sick of it. If I try to take a college class here or there, they schedule the boys' events on the evenings I have class - so it's like I have to choose between getting a degree (and, subsequently keeping my job and opening up other avenues for better ones down the road) or being there for my kids - like they are trying to punish me for being happy and successful and a mom! My ex never had to experience that, and was given time and space by his family and mine to get his degree (he went as a full time day student) while I worked and had the kids , and took care of them. Then ,we he declared bankruptcy, three months and 1 year after we divorced, he remarried, and has largely delegated everything related to the children onto his new wife (same story as with me , different gal, and my babies are from me, she has no children of her own = new line of clean credit + life time babysitter = free time for him forever). He believes, by the way he lives, that women either choose one or the other - motherhood or a career - which isn't so far fetched ,should a woman fall prey to him. He knew me better when he married me, and yet , didn't care. I believe in equality all around - both work, both get educated, both help out with the home, finances, etc.. period. I'm tired of it, of this struggle, God help me. I will give admonishment to you all here in the future, as you all are very brave, but at this time, I'm sorry. I struggle. I want it all to end. I attempted to off myself in the past ,and realized the best form of revenge was to be happy, faithful, and just be myself. It is being made very difficult when your offspring are manipulated and used against you. Transparency is never a good idea with a narcissist, especially with two.

7:37 PM  

I am just so tired....

Praying for us all.

10:40 AM  

Do NOT give any responses when he tries to provoke a response (no anger, tears,threats). The sociopath views the situation as a game, not the lives of your children. Always. Getas much detail as possible laid out in the court order.

You cannot win a game with a sociopath because they have no boundaries and the rest of us do. Try your best to keep all communication by email, be brief, limit your exposure to your ex (have someone else exchange, etc.). Never engage him, even if he seems to be "nice". There's always an agenda and I was taken on a ride an embarrassing amount of times.

Most importantly -document. Keep a diary and file.Record conversations, have someone with you when you must be around your Ex (school concerts, hospital, etc.). Don't let them in your head. Get some therapy, it's good for you, the kids and demonstrates to the court your dedication to being your best self for your children. Keep calm in court, let him show his issues and stay on here for support and know that you are NOT alone.

8:47 PM  

I am just now starting to deal with this. My ex came and found me after after many years of not allowing me to see our child. She said that she had changed and was a different person. She has told me in the many year's that we did not speak that people have left while she was gone. And at least one took the ultimate route out. I felt sad for her and tryed to make her believe it wasn't her fault. I left my life to come to her and our child. Only to find she hasn't changed. I have lost everything now becauae of it. But am trying to get things back positive with us to make it easier for me to be in our child's life. But she only throws punches verbaly and I'm having a hard time wanting to co parrent because i truly cannont tolerate her. I also don't want to just walk away as i have wated so long to have this chance. But i know she wont let our child come see me by without her she will always want to be there which i know will be impossible to have quality time with. I am so lost and confused on what to do. I know court will just make everything worse. She can't see past her own self and will always throw "what about our child" at me. How can i be a good father if im not allowed the chance and she will do everything she can to make me miserable?! So lost and confused.

11:30 PM  

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