Sanctuary for the Abused

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Why Do Abusive Men Abuse?


(we have used the male gender, your abuser could be female)
('battering' can be extended to verbal, emotional & psychological abuse)

Abusive men batter women as a means of power and control, to manipulate, intimidate and rule their intimate partner.

Men who abuse their partners come from all races, religions, socioeconomic classes, areas of the world, educational levels and occupations.

They often appear charming and attentive to outsiders, and even to their partners, at first.

Many batterers are very good at disguising their abusive behavior to appear socially acceptable. Once they develop a relationship with a partner however, they become more and more abusive.


Characteristics of Domestic violence perpetrators:
seek control of the thoughts, beliefs and conduct of their partner.
punish their partner for resisting control.

Men who batter:
minimize the seriousness of their violence.
act impulsively.
distrust others.
need to control people and situations.
express feelings as anger.

A batterer covers up his violence by denying, minimizing, and blaming the victim. He often convinces his partner that the abuse is less serious than it is, or that it is her fault. He may tell her that "if only" she had acted differently, he wouldn't have abused her. Sometimes he will say, "You made me do it."

Victims of abuse do not cause violence. The batterer is responsible for every act of abuse committed.

Domestic violence is a learned behavior. It is learned through:
observation.
experience.
culture.
family.
community (peer group, school, etc.).


(Personality disorders, mental illness, and other problems may compound domestic violence, but the abusive behavior must be addressed separately. )

Abuse is NOT caused by:

mental illness.
ADD/ ADHD.
genetics.
alcohol and drugs.
out-of-control behavior.
anger.
stress.
behavior of the victim.
problems in the relationship.


Many men blame their violence on the effects of drug and alcohol use.
Alcohol abuse is present in about 50 percent of battering relationships.
Research shows that alcohol and other drug abuse is commonly a symptom of an abusive personality, not the cause. Men often blame their intoxication for the abuse, or use it as an excuse to use violence. Regardless, it is an excuse, not a cause. Taking away the alcohol, does not stop the abuse.

Substance abuse must be treated before or in conjunction with domestic violence treatment programs.


A batterer abuses because he wants to, and thinks he has a "right" to his behavior. He may think he is superior to his partner and is entitled to use whatever means necessary to control her.

Some ways batterers deny and minimize their violence:
"I hit the wall, not her head."
"She bruises easily."
"She just fell down the steps."
"Her face got in the way of my fist."

Characteristics of a Potential Batterer
Jealousy
Controlling behavior
Quick involvement
Unrealistic expectations
Isolation of victim
Blames others for his problems
Blames others for his feelings
Hypersensitivity
Cruelty to animals or children
"Playful" use of force during sex
Verbal abuse
Rigid sex roles
Jekyll and Hyde type personality
History of past battering
Threats of violence
Breaking or striking objects
Any force during an argument
Objectification of women
Tight control over finances
Minimization of the violence
Manipulation through guilt
Extreme highs and lows
Expects her to follow his orders
Frightening rage
Use of physical force
Closed mindedness

Manipulation
Abusers often try to manipulate the "system" by:
Threatening to call Child Protective Services or the Department of Human Resources and making actual reports that his partner neglects or abuses the children.

Changing lawyers and delaying court hearings to increase his partner's financial hardship.

Telling everyone (friends, family, police, etc.) that she is "crazy" and making things up.

Using the threat of prosecution to get her to return to him.

Telling police she hit him, too.

Giving false information about the criminal justice system to confuse his partner or prevent her from acting on her own behalf.

Using children as leverage to get and control his victim.

Accusing her of stalking him and/or his family

Accusing her of harrassment

Abusers may try to manipulate their partners, especially after a violent episode.

He may try to "win" her back in some of these ways:
Invoking sympathy from her, her family and friends.
Talking about his "difficult childhood".
Becoming overly charming, reminding her of the good times they've had.
Bringing romantic gifts, flowers, dinner.
Crying, begging for forgiveness.
Promising it will "never happen again."
Promising to get counseling, to change.
Abuse gets worse and more frequent over time


Lies Abusers Tell
Abusers often tell lies about their violence to themselves (their partners and society):

"I just need to be understood".

"I had a bad childhood."

"I can't control it."

"I get angry."

"She fights too."

"She pushes my buttons."

"If I don't control her, she will control me."

"My smashing things isn’t abusive, it’s venting."

"I have a lot of stress in my life."

"I just have an anger management problem."

"I just have a problem when I drink or use drugs."

Labels: , , , , , , , , ,

shared by Barbara at 12:37 AM


Share

24 Comments:

I was abused and I finally put a STOP to it. He's been court ordered to stay away from me, my family, friends and can not contact me by any means. My ex was extremely manipulative and he would blame me for his abuse. He told lies about me to his friends and family and created stories so they would feel sorry for him. A therapist once told me that he fits the stereotype of a serial killer.

He would beat me up and later call the police and tell them that I hit him. He would have scratches on his hands but it was only from me trying to push him away. He would do this everytime to me. When the police would show up, they would want to arrest me. I lived in fear and felt no one would protect me from this monster.

Later, my ex would come to me and tell me how much he "Loved" me and wanted us to get help. That he gets hurt and angry because he "felt" I never really listen to him and that he does not feel "loved" by me. He would say all this while crying on his knees and I would feel horrible.

When I asked why he'd call the police, he'd say it was because he didn't want anyone of us to get hurt. Interesting, because he never told the police that he hit me. It was always portrayed as me hitting him.

He would then be loving and extremely affecionate for a few days. Slowly he would revert to showing signs of irritation, stress and anger. He would start by breaking things, throwing things and driving recklessly. Of course, I would question if he was okay or what was wrong and his answer would always be that he felt that I didnt understand and he had a lot of pressure on him.

My ex was here on a temporary work Visa. He was from Denmark and was trying to get a greencard. He abandoned his child and stole $150K from a bank which he was wanted for.

The pressure he was facing was not wanting to go back to Denmark. He had no income there and at least here in the US he could create a new "life" or "persona" since no one would know his real story except me. I found out through his estranged father.

Yep, this whole family is a mess!! His father was put in a mental institution, his older brother is an alcoholic, mother a prostitute.

I was lucky to get out!! He would threaten to kill me and that no one would know it was him, cause he could just go back to Europe. This is the fear he instilled in me. I felt trapped. This man has tried so hard to screw up my mind, he's played so many games. I was lucky I got out when I did.

I sometimes wish there was a law in place, where you can check to see if someone has been arrested for domestic violence or has any history of violence from any Country around the world.

I'm glad to say that I am blessed to be a survivor and that I made the decision to leave and to protect myself. I do also believe in Karma, so I am sure that this individual will never live a complete life.

1:27 PM  

I think a violence registry is a terrific idea..just like a sex offender registry. Both are dangerous issues that ppl deserve to be warned of! My father is an abusive low life and I am ever grateful that I found a good boyfriend to take care of me. But I am not totally at ease because he is still abusing my mom and she refuses to leave! He has tried to kill her several times! :-(

4:11 PM  

I left my abusive husband less than a year ago. I am sure now that he is an abuser, though I used to wonder. Even after I was assessed as high risk by a DV advocate, I still doubted. Once in a while I still wonder because he is still crying and getting sympathy from friends. He keeps telling me that I should know that he has change and hasn't been abusive, yet he has been psychologically very abusive post-separation.

I wonder if being BPD makes one act like an abuser but he can't help it, because he really can't see it? I know it sounds like I am making excuses for him again, but he keeps pleading with me not to believe that abusers never change. He says he is really trying and can't see what he is doing wrong.

BTW, I think that there is now a move to have a domestic violence registry in Australia, so that if a person moves to another state, the records are there. I am not sure whether it is law yet.

7:49 AM  

I am in a very abusive relationship my husband of 22years has been abusing me from 1996 I am now scared of him. He lies about it and claims that I am evil to be making up these story about him and that I want to destroy him. Rape is a norm for me now and I am just relieved when it is over. The abuse involves verbal of the worst kind he uses derogatory word to describe me accuses me of infidelity which I have never done, He physically abuse me as well. I am just frustrated. The sad thing is that I am not depended on him I am a professional in a very good job and i was the one who assisted him to be where he is now. The house is mine and he refuses to leave now he has taken over the entire house and I am just allowed one room.

9:55 PM  

Please get out of your situation, even if it means giving up your house for a while. I stayed for 32 years, and the abuse just continued to the point where I was almost killed. An argument escalated to physical violence. He slammed my head repeatedly on the floor. After the last blow, he held so much pressure on my skull I thought it was going to fracture. I ended up with a brain hemorrhage requiring surgery, 12 days in ICU, 2 spinal taps to relieve increasing intracranial pressure, an a long recovery. My physcial health has returned but emotionally I am scarred. I am in therapy and working towards inner peace but that path is more difficult than the physical therapy. I never though it could happen to me, please protect yourself, a house is not worth your mental and physical well being, or your life.

6:35 AM  

Wow . Still in abusive relationship. I have no family. Parents r dead. I have nowhere to go and I do not work. I am 8 years older w 2 kids at home and hate my life. I work out a lot to keep pain at a distance. I told him I hated him today that he's fat bald with smelly feet and if course I got called a psycho and a skank. He has not ever I clouded me in finances. Hate him for that. Went on cruise to Europe recently and I got kicked around in bathroom. Hit like a dog. I'm 56 years old. He threatens to destroy me if I leave and I do believe that. He's a porn addict. Caught him. It was funny. Lol
Quiet. He said he would never forgive me for saying I hated him yet for 18 years I'm suppose to forgive him after the beatings. Too funny . I don't look my age and I take good care of myself. I suppose I should just go have an affair and do my own thing. Women get out before its too late. If u have support then run to them. I have no one. I'm in a downward spiral of hell. Right now so hurt just don't want to move.

6:24 PM  

My heart breaks for these women - my abusive husband was arrested thank god but he is still very dangerous. Keep faith that you WILL survive and get some counselling, help, read, and envision yourself free. I pray alot for guidance. Yoga helped me, lots of exercise and just waiting for the shoe to drop and trying to be ready.

10:19 AM  

Just left....after he had to spend a few nights in jail for domestic abuse on a vacation. I've been staying at friend houses until I move into own place. He also bashed my head on the ground. I finally have hope. Material possessions can be replaced. My life can't and if I go back he will kill me next time. Get out while you can

5:28 AM  

I was in a very verbal abusive relationship with the crap of shit who had a body of a 20 lb weakling but thought he was hot what a joke. I am a female bodybuilder and I always wonder that if he had every hit I was on. Beat the shit out of him but it wasn' worth going to jail because of him. Now I got me a real man not on that' insecure

6:38 AM  

I heard that

6:40 AM  

I am shocked that today we have no fault divorce so that an abuser who has been repeatedly violent can still get more than half the assets. I say MORE than half because he took out all the finances and savings, emptied my 401K and my inheritance monies, in addition by lying to the judge saying I was crazy has had to pay no support payments. I am shocked. There is no support. I have copies of legal documentation yet the judge believes his Excel document he typed up??? What is happening in Indiana? They say no fault so the fact that he is violent does not matter. And he is so charming, even when he violated the protective order when I was in the hospital the judge did not find him in contempt after all I must be crazy. Although I have taken time to be assessed by a psychiatrist and found totally sane still this persists. WHY DO WE HAVE NO FAULT in these cases there should be FAULT. HE removed all the furnishings and computer equipment for my business. I have no business left. I have nothing but my life. After fifteen months of constantly calling the police because he vandalizes my property and they come out and say no one is here now. I am frustrated and believe there is no help in the United States. I think my only defense is self defense and never getting married. I had my own home and money before marriage. After twenty years I have nothing and am on the street. Thanks to our social system which allows these abusers (even after being found guilty three times of violence against women reduced to misdemeanors) run free.

2:27 PM  

Its very hard leaving but this sounds just like what i just got out of. i am staying out of the town and trying to stay close to my children. He had threatened that i would never see them again thank god they were not fathered by him.

7:31 PM  

Im currently in an abusive relationship. We met in college and have been dating for nearly four years. Initially he was quite the charmer.he sent me sweet texts about how wonderful I was and assured me he would be my prince charming. After about two years I caught him cheating and that's when the subtle abuse began.he shoved me and pushed me around. Over time the cheating has become more common and so has the abuse. He thrown me against the wall and floor punched me in the head several times and recently choked me to near death. The only problem is me and my family haven't gotten along since we've been together. And I don't want to live with them again due to the rift he caused between us. I recently graduated college and I'm unemployed so I practically rely on him and my parents for everything. I really wanna leave but I feel like I have no place to go. And he just continues to reassure me it will never happen again although he seen a therapist and change is always temporary even after his supposed breakthroughs. Im currently in debate do I just wait till I start working on my own and move out or just go back to my parents who's an hour away

10:06 AM  

Our close friendship makes me believe him every time he says he'll change. But the abuse only gets worst.

10:10 AM  

I was swept by my second husband like my knight in shining armor. He had sexual addictions from pornography, prostitution, online dating, sexting name it he does it. He replaced me with a younger woman soon to be wife number 3 who looked like his daughter. I dont know if he would hit her or be faithful to her. If he met his match then he will probably bow down. He abandoned me, I currently am unemployed no source of income and living with a friend. He got away with it with me. So justice was not served.

12:45 AM  

I just recently left an abusive situation. I have experienced much violence and it has been escalating for years. The abuse has been physical.... I have been punched, choked, pushed against walls and to the ground, grabbed/pulled, etc. I have also been cut down, and made to feel like I am doing things wrong all the time. He accuses me of cheating on him even though I never did. But he has convinced himself.... So it is very frustrating because I can't argue with him, he will not hear or see reason. As far as he is concerned I did it (even though it never happened). He gets enraged sometimes and yells at me "why don't you just admit it?". I can't admit to something that didn't happen, and this seems to make him angrier.. I truly believe he tries so hard to get this so called "confession" and wants me to say this just so that he can justify beating me and killing me. He needs an excuse that will justify him going off the deep end, this is what he really wants. The last straw was a major fight last week. I got pushed and eventually choked, which really scared me. I bit him to get away and managed to grab spare keys and get to my car to escape. He had taken my cell phone, it was hidden and police found it the next day. He jumped on the hood of my car, smashed my windshield and ripped off the wipers....and this man thinks I am the one who is crazy! I have a protective order right now but still am too scared to stay at the house as I think he will eventually come back there. He is manipulative and will try to sweet talk now if he can even though he has now been charged. I do not underestimate his ability to charm and persuade people...he will appear very remorseful for awhile, but I have seen this too many times now to know that won't last. Everytime this happens and I forgive him eventually it happens again. And it has really escalated. So this time I decided enough is enough! It is hard living out of a suitcase and I am upset that I have to go through a divorce and leave my home just to be and feel safe again. It is not fair, and I am afraid of what is yet to come (I am sure he will get enraged and become vindictive once he realizes his tears are not going to work this time). However my friends and family are keeping me strong this time so I don't go back. I know there is no going back....he has gotten smarter about the way he abuses me now and is better at hiding the abuse (choking instead of punching for example) and he also does things like trying to hide my phone now (so I can't call for help) and taking my purse or keys (so I can't leave). He has tackled me on the lawn trying to prevent me from getting in my car. It's crazy! So I know that now that he has charges and I am going to leave him for good I am sure he will snap. However I need to do this regardless....the way I see it the situation is no more dangerous than if I stayed because eventually he would go too far and kill me. Anyone who sees signs of an abuser please leave. There were signs early on that I ignored...I told myself they were no big deal and he would get better. Well now I can tell you it got progressively worse. And these kind of people do not usually get better....trust me we tried couples counsellung and he did some anger management but obviously that didn't work.....I think it only works if your abuser can admit what he is doing is wrong. In my case(as in many cases) he thinks I deserve the abuse, and my actions cause him to lose control (if you wouldn't yell and scream I wouldn't do this). So if the abuser is in denial and thinks they have done nothing wrong then the counsellung won't really work. So my advice is get out if you are with an abuser.... It's no way to live. Seek help and get out.

11:52 AM  

I just went thru my final fight with this schizo psycho man. He would say horrible things and insult me, my friends and my family. From the very beginning he was physically free with the pushing and the verbal abuse was horrific but his excuse was a drinking problem. He no longer drinks but it became even worse.The first time was a punch in the face. I am a 5'1", 95lb woman. This last time he trapped me in our home and proceeded to beat me up severely, leaving me with a split lip and a chipped tooth. When I tried to leave and run he threw me on the ground, choked me and nearly killed me. My jaw and nose are swollen and painful and I am just lucky they are not broken.His excuse? Work stress. And the absurdness! He asks can't we just work this out? and then "I will get help." i hope he rots in hell. My only saving grace is his fear of the police and the fact that if he is found to have done this again he will go to jail.And the funny part is I am not financially dependent on him. I have more than he does.I am sick with disgust at myself for putting up with it for over a year. My advice is run if a guy wants to get serious faster than is comfortable and do not feel sorry for the numerous problems he "needs you" to help him handle. He is a loser hence the problems.

12:38 AM  

Some of these stories are alarming. I admire the people that have managed to get out and I hope this site inspires those of you who feel you can't leave to get out. Start telling people around you what is going on. I met someone I hadn't seen for over twenty years and agreed to meet him. When I wouldn't change my flight as everything had to be on his terms. .he called me up and was very abusive. I never got on the flight and he offered to pay it back...I told him to use it to get professional help. .as I see it as a way of him still trying to get in touch. I also emailed him my thoughts on him as prior to me flying out he had labelled me as demanding when I had never asked for anything. I told him I feel in a rage he would be willing and able to smack a woman. And I wouldn't be surprised if he had beaten his ex wife. It was uplifting being able to say it as it was as I told him he is a rejected mental case and an embarrassment to himself. Stay strong and lookout for the red flags.

4:09 PM  

I.have a child with an abusive alcoholic. Ive always kind of had low self esteem i grew up.with out a father and my.mom was a methed.out escort so any self esteem i.had left from a bad childhood is now completley gone. I did manage to get away.my cousins grand parents took me n my child.in. My abusive ex was horrible he wud chip away.at my self esteem by alwaysputting me down and used my childhood agaisnt me ive told him thing in confidense just to have it thrown in my face day after day. He would ruin all my belongings he would throw out my.birth control.n call me a whore.fir using it he wouldnt use condums and wud try to impregnate me he used.an excuse that if he had a child then it would motivate him to quit drinking i could have had an abortion a friend was willing to help pay for it but i just.didnt go throw wit it becausebi felt.guilty. He would beat me.up when i was pregnant i left and then he said.he would stop drinking which he did butbthen he picked up a weed.habit and all the money wud go to that i think he wad on coke too he got really skinny eventually he went back.to drinking. He would get so drunk n pee him self or.some where eles other.then the.bathroom. If i complained about i.would get hit. He didnt want me to work he wouldnt help take care of the baby i also think he was a sex addict hed leave to go to the bar alot n was on alit of dating sites lieing about his age and all sorts of ridiculous things. Right now im goung for sole custody.because on his visitation i went to go pik up my son whose not even two yet to.find his father passed.out drunk my son was filthy im just glad my son is, ok. He uses his son to control me after tge fact. Hes a complete asshole badically and not very.bright. Anyone that reads this these people are sick in the head and its never their fault as they claim. They are losers that.find good hearted women that will keep firgiving them but all that does is make it eadier for them to dcrew u over. To hell with.m

10:53 PM  

I am in an abusive relationship with my childhood best friend. it just keeps getting worse. i love him but i have pushed away my family and even children. i am scared to staty but even more scared to leave.

10:43 AM  

I am 19. I met my ex three months after turning 18 and getting my first job. He was 27. I came from a broken family and never had a boyfriend or true friend. After knowing him for a week he told me to move in. He encouraged me to leave my minimum waged job to be a stripper. He convinced me that he was helping me because when he was my age he made mistakes and wanted me to do things right. He would tell me if I didn't strip we couldn't be together.We were only together for 14 months but the abuse started after a month in. At first it was a slap,then it turned to him throwing me on the floor,hitting me with fists,choking and kicking me. He said I knew what to do to make him frustrated and made him like that. If he misplaced the keys or something even out of his or my control, he would take it out on me. His verbal abuse made it even worse. He told me I was his baby but wouldn't hesitate to call me bitch or hoe,he wished HIV and death upon me. He would say I don't listen to him,he would ask a question and if I didn't answer he would count down and say it would be really bad if I didn't answer.He would tell me no one would ever love me like he did. I believed him. He was my first love. Every time i would leave he would beg me to come back. He has cut up my Louis Vuitton purse, my uggs, threw my stuff outside. I recall once he sent me to our bedroom like a dog after I laughed at him in front of his friend. Our dog would sometimes pee or poop in our apartment and he would get overly angry. He would spank the dog excessively,the most recent time he spanked and threw our little dog against the couch now he only walks on three of his legs. I have just left the situation after him choking, hitting and berating me. He got arrested, but I feel so sad for him. I hate that he treated me so badly but I know he just needs help. He has deep issues.I wish he would've let me help heal his heart.

10:22 AM  

Its not always the man who abuses women intend to abuse men as well...my girlfriend verbally abuses me daily calling me a peace of shit that I'm worthless and so on and I can't do nothing about it

12:16 PM  

Looking at all these posts ... frightens me. I may get flack for this but i was actually the abuser in my last relationship. For 4 years i was mentally abusive towards my ex and would constantly look up porn and flirt with her friends and girls. It wasnt until Everything came to a head the last 6 months that things got worse. I hit her 3 times and after the 3rd time we both called it quits. But just recently she found out she was pregnant with my kid. After a month she told me she wants to get back together with me for our daughter. I feel it is a bad idea and i do not want to go down that road again. I am currently going to therapy and searching for peace with myself. While i would love nothing more than to go back with her i feel it would be best to stay single and just help pay child support and take care of the baby. Its ok to feel sorry for someone thats abused you but do not show them you are. They will take advantage of it and wring you back in. I have nightmares thinking of how things could have gone worse and how badly i treated my ex.

7:32 PM  

Wow, never did I think the face of abuse would be my own! I had a great career, was a leader in my community, had a great house, land, car, loyal child/ canine companion & countless suitors trying to woo me! I fell for the most charismatic, brilliant, author, PHD, narcissist evil man who has literally leveled my life! It was almost as though falling in love with him was not a choice...I was quickly pressured to quit my career, move out of state & sell all of my assets & belongings that didn't fit in my SUV and callously re-home my gorgeous doggie-love...."it's just a dog" , "not as important as real human relationships", right? The jealously, mistrust & control started during the 2 months it took me to shitcan my past life, I didn't see it & was always convinced it was my fault. My Prince Charming guilted me, suddenly needed loans, pursued a lavish lifestyle, eating out, staying in the best hotels, "helped" me blow through the $50,000 I had in my checking account plus the $20,000 line of credit at my bank. But Hey, he was a successful Dr. & would take care of me...I just had to smile & be a trophy wife. Yay, for me...I needed a break as I'd been working my ass off since I was 15. Fast forward 8 years... My alcoholic brilliant man can't keep a professorship job, I'm in a new career field (wasn't allowed to pursue what I shine at due to his jealousy) & I'm living in a 600 sq ft studio condo, paying all of the bills. most of the remaining possessions I brought to the relationship have been broke, donated without my consent or thrown out our high rise window. I have a permanent dent in my forehead, deviated septum, broken left cheek and am not allowed to be "thin" at a level that's comfortable & natural to me because "it makes me too attractive." "You're a Buddha Fat Fuck" ( yes I'm quoting) insults are frequent along with so many other put downs, accusations of lying and twisted words used against me when I calmly and objectively try to tell him how I'm hurting. Yay for me, I married a Doctor!

12:49 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home