Sanctuary for the Abused

Saturday, February 10, 2018

How Language is Used to Abuse


"Where the hell do you get off tellin' me
your mama said I'm not what you need.
If she knows it all, then
that's where you need to be"

-Toni Braxton

If you are still in an Abusive relationship you probably have millions of things running through your head right now. Hopefully, you've left him and you're gaining back your clarity of mind.

Learning how an Abuser uses language to attack and dismantle your self worth can protect you from dating an Abuser again. An Abuser uses language early in the relationship to create or worsen your self esteem issues. His tactics get more devious as time goes on. If you're still seeing one of these guys, get out now. The longer you wait, the harder it is to repair yourself.

Some sites give advice on how to respond to abusive language. I do not. I believe all abusive language should be avoided by leaving the situation. In my mind, there is no reason to argue with an abuser, because there's really no way to win other than to say, "This is not acceptable. If you do it again, I am leaving." When he does it again and he will, leave and stay gone.

An Abuser Uses Language to:

Hallmarks of Abusive Language:
* Outright Language such as name-calling, put-downs or verbal assaults.
(yelling, "Slut!" or "You're a selfish whore!")

* Throwing your past at you.
("Remember when you f*cked up?" or "I can't believe you used to..." or "You should feel lucky I'd even date someone who...")

* Using others as validation for the Abuse.
("You're the dirt on his shoe." or "Your late grandfather would sure hate to see the liar you turned out to be." or "None of your friends care about you.")

* Using imagined others to validate the abuse by using "we", "they" and "everybody."
("Everybody thinks you're pathetic." or "We don't think this conversation is important.")

* Lies that directly challenge what you know to be true.
("You don't care about me." or "You're selfish." or "I was not at the bar last night." or "I never did/ said that" or "that never happened" or "Of course I love you, care about you.")

* Lies about you to friends/family.
("I told my grandmother you cheated on me." or "I told my mother you said..." or "I told everyone you...")

* Usually hints, never asks for information, avoids answering questions. Forces information from you.
("I'm supposed to answer that when you're just a lousy..." or "I know what you did last night. My friends keep tabs on you.")

* Constantly tries to threaten you into doing degrading things to "prove" your worth.
(Says he'll leave if you don't swear on a Bible or take a lie detector test)

* Constantly threatens to leave, hurt you or someone you care about.
("You wait until I find him. He'll never speak to you again." or "Open your mouth again. I dare you." or "If you cry. I'm leaving.")

Once an Abuser has demoralized you, there is nothing you can do to restore your relationship to the false glory it was in the beginning.

Using language, the Abuser tears you apart slowly, until you are so hurt and shattered you don't know which way is up or down.

Seek help and you'll discover your soul, mind and heart have been ravaged by a force stronger than even the toughest of women; the monster rotting the Abuser from the inside out. It is not your job to heal him. It is your job to heal yourself, especially if you have children who need a whole mother.

I say this often, it is never the victim's fault she was Abused, but now that your eyes are open and you realize you are being abused, it is your choice to stay or leave.

For your sake I hope you leave and never, ever look back.

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shared by Barbara at 12:28 AM



I'm trying to never look back. This post was right on the mark for me. His words slowly killed me for over 20 years, AND even after he left our house last year, he still has this hold on me. With a counselor and researching blogs such as yours, I'm coming into my own after all these years.
Words destroy and can become a slow death to the abused.
And I am finally starting to see that and to really see it.
I'm moving forward and not looking back.

10:15 PM  

"I say this often, it is never the victim's fault she was Abused, but now that your eyes are open and you realize you are being abused, it is your choice to stay or leave.

This statement. So often by the time we realize this (that we have been so horribly abused), it is after complete and utter devastation. Money is gone, kids are ruined or genetically psychopathic themselves, family is gone or on the abuser's side. IT IS RARELY SIMPLY A MATTER OF LEAVING. Our brains are fried from PTSD. And even when we are blessed enough to KNOW that it is PTSD or that our mates are actually psychopaths (a genetic demon) it doesn's even matter. There is no one to help, and no one to tell who believes us or is able to help us.

Reading so many of the comments to the articles on this website shows proof of this. Organizations set up to help are so burdened down, or shabbily run, that we find it is better to stay in our own hell. So we now KNOW what the abuse is, that it is an incurable thing, and even though it is not our fault and we were never trained, allowed or able to say what it is (psychopathy) we are still somehow "included" in the guilt of these evil ones.

So tired. So tired of being raped over and over. By those who want to write a book or open a website with their "postive" affirmations and on and on. People, STOP re-raping those that have been so HORRIBLY raped!

Psalm 34:14 "Turn from evil and do good. Seek peace and pursue it." There is NOHTING good about a psychopath and there is NEVER true peace for any length of time as they love chaos and strife. But for those of us that aren't psychopaths, we CAN achieve this. If we are honest and truly help each other. We can NEVER concede to psychopaths or even listen to their words once we know what they are. But again, it is only really through Jesus. Only this. and all the rest is nothing. Our best efforts are only filthy rags.

6:22 PM  

Do you ever get abused so much that when you leave (especially if you were very gifted in the looks department) that you become an abuser yourself? I feel like I'm doing that to cope with my pain.

3:29 AM  

Help! I can't get away from this one--he seems better than the alternative of existing as what he made me into: a lifeless, self-hating, depressed, uninterested, weeping, rag that can't leave her bed, doesn't want to see the few friends she has left, and can't imagine moving on from this absolute loser, user, ugly, cheating, heartless demon.

Help. In two weeks I'll be in his complete control.

8:55 AM  

What is your beef with Sandra Brown? Is she a fraud as you say? She seems like a Liberal nutjob bitch.

11:13 AM  

The one who came around trying to hurt me had a whole group of phoney balonies who helped support his facade of pretentiousness.
They each told me how sincere he really is. How much he cared about me as he used my things and home and went off with countless others. How he was so happy that I would loan him money and that he certainly would be paying me back with interest! How he was so solid!
He himself would assure me that all the women calling him and who he was hustling behind my back were just "friends" and how I was so crazy and paranoid!
His one paramour who was cheating on her boyfriend with him told me that I was psychotic and how everyone hated me!
Boy. Am I glad I dropped the dime on those cretins!!
They've scattered now. Maybe a few are even incarcerated. All are duly held up as poster children for mind blowing levels of idiocy!
Horriible!! Just horriible!!
Thanks for letting me vent!

10:33 PM  

I am currently trying to get away from an abusive relationship. At first it just started out as words. Telling me how I'm useless and that I don't treat my kids good and how I don't love him. Then he gradually became more hands on. It got worse after I found out I was pregnant, with the child he had wanted ever so badly. When he would fight he wouldn't let me leave. He forced me to stay confined to one area. If I got passed him he would follow me through the house yelling at me. He did this serveral times in front of my children. He would through me down on the bed or wrap his arms around me to the point where it hurt. But he never hit me...after he smashed my head into a wall I found myself retaliating. I fought him off of me. But I didn't him leave him. The day I kicked him out was when a few days ago when he threw me on the ground and hit me in face. He says he didn't mean to...but he always does. Wants me to take him back and be with him. Please help. I feel lost.

12:12 PM  

Thank you, I wrote something similar. I hit the publish button not sure where my comment went someplace in cyberspace. One of the things that often ignorant people that write foolish and degrading words like "it's not your fault until you figure it out" but it is your fault if once you know and don't leave. Well in general these ignorant people assume (and we know what happens when we assume) that there are financial and emotional resources to leave. The idiots also tend to think victims are married to their abusers and although mine and his attorney got his x wife to sign the divorce papers by fabricating embezzlement charges she still walked away with enough and with the help of her father to keep a roof over her head. We on the other hand were never married we have just been together for nine years in WI. I have never been married worked on average 85 hours a week and built a modest home that I lost to foreclosure. He got to my one and only sister who was struggling financially didn't want to pick up the financial mess he created with his lies and embellishments. When I was first forced out of my home I slept in my car. The shelters here treat you like children they make you do chores to stay in filthy shelters for a maximum of 28 days then you are sent packing no matter how down trodden you are. The people running the shelters some of them are as abusive as my abuser and the counselors at the womens center are instructed not to keep notes and this caused me to be denied social security benefits. Sometimes I am able stay at a motel that runs prostitution rings has shootings and people dying from heroine overdoses. I now understand why he talked marriage every day but never married me. Did I mention that he,has considerable assets and I am sleeping in an old car with no heat. I blame myself a highly educated woman conned by a roofer that slept his way to get women's roofing business. A con artist. Even at 61 he is still blue eyed and blond haired. He is currently with a female psychopath that makes him look like mother Teresa. But he has a new wealthy target her husband just passed away leaving her financially set and BTW her recently deceased husband has the same name as my x psychopath and even resembles him and she looks like the psychopath he is with who coincidently looks like the new target and both look like his father. Try salvaging some self esteem after that!

11:09 AM  

Just walked tonight after 3 months and how wild it is to see his words and actions in every blog or article about abusers there is on the web. This one is practically word for word!

Lucky it was only 3 months and I can get out now before I lost some teeth.
I spent 6 years with an abuser before and have only been laughing at how I managed to put myself back in the same place again. After 2 years dating and guarding my heart I commit and what do I get?
Dissocial P.D. 40%
Schizoid 25%
Narcissistic 15%
Psychopath 20%

The lies started before I could even care.....

The final episode comes as the result of another woman who caused weeks of disinterest and verbal battering when I pointed out inconsistencies and shady behavior. Oh well.

10:01 AM  

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