Sanctuary for the Abused
Friday, November 30, 2012
Why Abuse Survivors Attract the Wrong Sort of People
Why Abuse Survivors Attract The Wrong Sort of People
Predators Hunt the Wounded
An abuse survivor e-mailed me saying how she seemed to attract men who want to exploit her. On the other hand, good people seem to run from her. Tragically, this is the common experience of abuse survivors. I have always puzzled as to why this is. She sent me a couple of photos of herself. Then something clicked. I was a little gentler, but here is the essence of my e-mail to her:
Your photos, though nice, give the impression that you are sad, shy, lacking in confidence and aching for love. An evil man might look at those photos and think to himself, “Her need for love and for a boost in self-esteem seem so overwhelming that if I let her think that I could meet these needs, she would be so scared of losing me that she would find it hard to resist the urge to do anything I want. If I initially treat her tenderly and kindly and flatter her, I’ll have a good chance of turning her into virtually my slave. I could then treat her however I wish.”
If, on the other hand, a man saw you as happy, confident and relatively content, he’d assume you are quite choosy as to who you relate to and how far you would go. He’d assume you have none of the desperation that pressures some women to compromise their morals to get the love they crave.
Not only could this be a factor in men with evil intent being attracted to you, it could cause good men (or good women) to feel tempted to try to get their way with you. Because they are honorable, they might run for fear that if they stayed close to you they might yield to that temptation.
Regardless of how resistant to sexual pressure she really is, a person with low self-esteem and who craves love gives the impression that she is vulnerable to seduction. Upon finding such a person, immoral men feel emboldened to test their suspicion that they have found someone they could seduce.
To resist sexual advances, a woman craving love and lacking in self-esteem needs far superior self-control to that of other women, if she perceives that she must yield to those advances in order to receive the love she desperately needs. Furthermore, an abuse survivor is strongly tempted to accept the lie that because she has been mistreated before, she has little purity left to protect. This lie is yet another burden weighing down abuse survivors.
Moreover, in addition to these strong pressures, she will find resisting an evil man much harder than other women find it because she has a history of having done everything possible to resist and she was still overpowered. Her past tragedies cause her to lose hope that she could ever successfully prevent a man from exploiting her. She feels sure that any attempt to resist would be a futile waste of effort. Sexual predators know this, so they are on the look out for abuse survivors.
A tragically large number of abuse survivors have mistakenly thought that perhaps they have low morals or are evil or that God is against them, since that they seem to attract sexual predators. This is most certainly not so. The thought is so obviously incorrect that, theoretically, there should be no need to deny it. Sadly, it needs to be spelt out because sexual offenders are skilled at cruelly manipulating tender consciences, causing their victims to have a mistaken view of themselves. The truth is that abuse survivors tend to attract repeat offenses simply because they are hurting; and sexual predators, like beasts of prey, think the wounded might be an easier target.
If predators imagine they have a chance with you, it means nothing. Simply by refusing their advances, you can prove them wrong.
Knowing why the wrong sort of people might try to exploit you can be a relief. There is nothing wrong with you other than the simple fact that you are hurting. I am sure what you really want to know, however, is how to prevent this attention. It’s easy to say that self-esteem, confidence and feeling loved is the answer, but the difficulty is knowing how to grow in these things.
Grantley Morris: healing@net-burst.net
Labels: abuse, abuser, attract, pathological, predators hunt the wounded, sex addict, user, vulnerable
5 Comments:
I am troubled by the suggestion that people who have been abused "attract" abusers in any way. Abusers typically try to make the victim think it is their fault, and the experience of being victimized usually leads to shame which can be difficult to overcome. To suggest that a former victim "attracts" more abusers adds another layer of shame to someone already struggling and lowers, rather than increases, self-confidence.
The author seems to assume that the woman's assessment that she attracts abusers while good guys run is accurate. I'm not sure that is true. She may be having identical experiences that a woman who has not been abused has, but is explaining the phenomenom differently due to her victimization and these types of common attitudes.
There are a lot of men out there who are looking to exploit women. I think they typically cast a wide net and make overtures to large numbers of women. A woman who has not been abused would just write it off as "There's another jerk trolling for victims" and not take it personally.
A man who wants to exploit, only needs a vulnerable target. A man who wants a relationship will be more selective because he has more compatibility criteria. It may not be that the good guys "run", it may simply be that it wasn't a match for them.
Victims don't "attract" abusers. Abusers target potential victims. And they consider most of the female population their potential market.
I used to always attract guys who wanted to move in with me and have me support them because I am kind hearted, can pay all my bills, and live alone. They would keep jobs only long enough to date and win me over and then something would happen to that job once they moved in. Usually I only kept them for two months before kicking them out with restraining orders.
Wow, "Anonymous" I thought I was the only one like that. I was beaten up, abused and stalked by a jerk who begged me for 10 yrs for "another chance" and I gave in. Guess what? He didn't beat me up the 2nd time, just trashed my house and stole valuable items. I feel like "damaged goods" and I don't have the self-confidence to try to meet anyone else. (But at least I got rid of the psycho for good). Maybe some of us are just meant to be alone?
Sad to say but yes it is soo true, I am living proof of this, WE DO ATTRACT LOOSERS, That seems to be all that I was able to attract... I asked a thereapist a question...... DOES IT SAY USERS ABUSERS DRUG ADDICTS AND ALCOHOLICS COME MY WAY ON MY FOREHEAD OR WHAT?????????? She said no that, that is what I am attracted to because of the abuse I have had endured all my life that is what I am attracted to although that is NOT WHAT I WANT THAT IS WHAT I AM ATTRACTED TOO.....
Patricia Gallegos -
You do NOT attract these losers; they TARGET the vulnerable.
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