Sanctuary for the Abused
Sunday, January 05, 2020
Virtual Unfaithfulness
by J. Budziszewski, Ph.D.
Pornography was once a vice of the fabulously wealthy. No one else could afford it. When Tiberius Caesar wanted to indulge, he had to purchase special hand-drawn scrolls from Egypt, or have young men and women who were trained in sexual practices brought into his palace to perform. Today, all that has changed. Everyone can afford pornography. Video rental stores have special sections just for pornographic movies. In two clicks, anyone can see anything on the Internet. To say that pornography is easy to obtain is an understatement; it's in our faces whether we want it or not. A child can't go into the grocery store with his mother without being exposed to it. We live in a Pornotopia.
In Pornotopia, ordinary folk ask questions which would never have occurred to ordinary folk in other times, questions which cast doubt on the very meaning of marriage. Questions like this one: Why shouldn't a husband and wife use pornography to increase their sexual excitement and so enhance their lovemaking? For instance, why shouldn't they watch a pornographic movie together before going to bed? After all, it's for a good cause, and at least they're doing it together.
Not only is this wrong, it doesn't work. The wife and husband aren't "doing it together," it doesn't enhance their lovemaking, it reduces their sexual excitement in each other — and it undermines what can increase their delight. Let's consider each of the four points in turn.
Why they aren't doing it together
Come bedtime, John and Joan indulge in pornography. John becomes excited by gazing at the woman in the pictures instead of Joan; Joan becomes excited by imagining the man in the pictures instead of John. Then they go to bed and have intercourse. The question is, who are they having it with? They may be having sex at the same time, but they plainly aren't having it with each other. John is having it with the fantasy woman, Joan with the fantasy man. The fact that the fantasy partners are not physically present is merely a detail.
We would be shocked by the suggestion that John and Joan should hire a male and female pair of prostitutes for the night, warm up with the prostitutes, then roll over simultaneously and complete the sexual experience with each other. Yet that is in essence what they are doing. They are having sex with other people even though no one is present but themselves.
Why it doesn't enhance their lovemaking
Only a generation ago, the expression "making love" could be used for any of the endearing things that lovers do: holding hands, promising moons, doing things for each other, whispering sweetly in each other's ears. It meant any experience in which the lovers lost themselves for each other, because sacrifice of self is what love means. Today, unfortunately, we use the expression "making love" only for sex. This is misleading. Of course sex can be a way of making love, but it can also be a way of destroying it.
The reason
Why it reduces their sexual excitement
By now it should be clear that although pornographic intercourse may have something to do with the sexual excitement of the spouses, it has nothing to do with their sexual excitement in each other. Each spouse is really having sex with someone else. And this is but half of the problem.The other half is that pornographic fantasies become addictive. Consider John. If he increases his excitement during sex by pretending that Joan is someone else, he will become more and more dependent on the fantasy, and less and less capable of being aroused by Joan herself. Not only that, but his fantasy will rapidly lose its power. To become excited then, he will need a new fantasy.
At first it may be sufficient just to imagine another woman. But that too gets stale, because the unreal never has the vitality of the real. Pretty soon, therefore, John's fantasies will have to get kinkier. He will have to imagine not just a different woman, but a different kind of woman — not just having sex, but having another kind of sex — in order to feel excitement at all. He may find himself wanting pornography not only before sex, but during it. In fact, fantasy may no longer be enough. He may find himself wanting his pornographic fantasies to become real.
How it undermines what could truly increase their delight
Sometimes a husband and wife turn to pornography simply because they have difficulty enjoying their sexual relationship, and they expect the pornography to fix the problem. Alas, not only does the use of pornography destroy what it is supposed to fix, as we have seen; it also distracts the spouses from working on what really does need fixing.
Sexual frustration may arise from many causes. Perhaps the couple approaches sex in the spirit of selfishness rather than giving. Perhaps they have unrealistic expectations about sex. Perhaps one of them is ill, grieving, stressed, depressed or afraid of growing old. Sometimes sexual frustrations arise from other relationship problems, like quarrelling, unfaithfulness or never taking time to talk.
Labels: adult children of narcissists, lying, madonna whore complex, objectification, pornography, prostitution, psychopath, sex addict, sexual
Wednesday, August 01, 2018
No Particular Gender Preference
After he is gone, you will begin to remember the strange comments seemingly out of left field. Mine would say the most bizarre things that I would actually have to Google. For instance, once he said to me, “It’s all pink on the inside.” This is part of his method of pushing your boundaries, little shock comments to see how you will react. Although this statement can refer to different ethnicities my gut reaction was that he was referring to gender, and I was right. This is when the insanity starts because we set aside our own god given instincts about reality and begin to adjust to his world of illusion.
When we first started dating we went out often and we lived in a city that is very gay friendly. I thought it was just me being paranoid, but I could not help but feel the nasty glaring looks I received from the gay men as we walked hand in hand through the club. It was like I was trying to take one of their own. It was his home town so I was clueless to his history and had only his word to go on. Once you learn that your man is a psychopath, you now know that all of the times you sensed something was amiss – it was.
My psychopath is a handsome metro sexual man. Since the day I met him he would always shave his arms, chest and genitals. In the beginning after we were married he stopped shaving his genitals for quite a while. And then when his erratic behavior started he would begin shaving down there again. The most interesting thing was when he attended an all male drug rehab for 6 months. I would come see him on various visitor days, and then half way through the program he was allowed to come home overnight once a week. I found it strange that he was super shaved top to bottom while staying at an all male drug rehab. After he was gone I read his journal from rehab. For six months the only thing he wrote in his journal was a comment on how good looking his roommates were. It made me sick and then I started to put so many other events together and all it does is confirm that he is a psychopath through and through.
Sexual intimacy among normal human beings is nothing short of spiritual. When we are intimate with another person, even in simple friendship a soul tie is created. We are literally connected to the person now with an unseen spiritual tie. If the relationship is sexual or a marriage, the soul tie is exceptionally strong. This is the primary reason why it is so difficult for people to break-up once the soul tie is created. We have an invisible connection to this person that is not easily undone. All the time we are sleeping with our psychopath the soul tie is increasing in intensity for us, while he feels absolutely nothing. Sex to a psychopath is no different than eating an ice-cream cone. It’s pleasant and offers a momentary diversion which will soon be forgotten. He has no soul so he can never connect with another human being in any truly intimate, committed and loving way.
Since he has no soul per se’, his decisions to have sex with a person are determined by nothing more than a fleeting whim. There is no internal moral compass to access, no criteria needed and the more the act does not fall into the norms of society, the more attractive it becomes to the psychopath. For instance, he would sleep with your best friend given the opportunity.
Knowing these things about the psychopath makes it very easy to leave him and never look back. However without this knowledge we can drag these destructive relationships along for years. I went four years and would have exited in the first 30 days had I known that he was terminally pathological. I was victimized but that does not mean I will remain a victim.
SOURCE
Labels: addiction, bizarre, exploitation, manipulative, narcissist, oxytocin, psychopath, seduction, sex addict, sexual, sexual abuse, sociopath
Saturday, July 21, 2018
The Romantic Sociopath
Sociopaths make up roughly 7% percent of the USA population. These are people who seem to lack what might be called a ‘conscience’. They do not seem to have feelings of ‘guilt’ or ‘shame’ for harming others. They are ruthless in getting what they want. They are narcissistic to the point of being insensitive.
But what makes them dangerous – is that although they are emotionally bankrupt at the core – they are masters of creating the “illusion” of having so much to offer.
The Romantic Sociopath…
- Want what they want - without regard to consequences
- takes what they want – without regard to other rights or freedoms
- Does what they want – without remorse or regard to anyone else's rights
They are the “ultimate emotional chameleons” They know how to mimic feelings. If you want someone who is charming, sensitive, assertive, dashing, sensual, intelligent” - they will mirror that back to you. They giving you the sensation you have found that “twin-soul” & your perfect other half.
How can you spot a Romantic Sociopath?
This is not easy to do. But there are some signs.
1. Romantic Sociopaths swing from one relationship to another.
Like a monkey swings from one tree limb to another. Why? Because they do not like to be alone. Remember they are emotionally bankrupt inside and therefore use others for emotional or sexual stimulus. They will stay with one a partner for as long as the emotions are new and run high but few novel. But will move on when things become “routine” or if that person’s emotional well runs dry or things become 'inconvenient' for them.
2. They attach themselves quickly. The romantic sociopath is always on the lookout for a better emotional supplier. (prey) Once they spot a target they move quickly.
They could propose marriage within hours of meeting you. Sweep you off you feet and dazzle you. Then they will tell you why that other relationship isn’t working. (she's crazy, a scorned woman, hell hath no fury, she's a liar, she's a stalker...)
Convince you they are sincere, and swing from the previous bed into yours – never seeming to take a breath.
3. They don’t bring much with them. They seem to have very few long term, genuine friends and family. Instead they quickly absorb into your life.
From the start they 'fit right in.' You share the same the same feelings and they take on the same attitudes, political ideas, hobbies, and social networks that you provide.
4. They are contemptuous and cruel to those they discard. Remember that emotional bankruptcy? Well now that they have no use for you anymore – they have found a new supplier. Then you will begin to see is the real persona. (watch the hate campaign, smear and covert attacks on the old partner(s) and that person's credibility.
Anyone who speaks badly about their ex should be WATCHED! - YOU could be next!)
This might look like a monster. Like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Yyou might wonder "who is this person? Where did the romantic, sensitive, dashing lover go?"
The sad news is they were never there.
What you encountered was the equivalent of an relationship Hit and Run.
SOURCE
CLICK HERE FOR A GROUP FOR PSYCHOPATH SURVIVORS
Labels: abuser, emotional rape, liar, love bombing, luring, narcissist, no empathy, psychopath, romance, sex addict, sociopath, verbal abuse
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
Why Abuse Survivors are Targetted by the Wrong Sort of People
Why Abuse Survivors are Targetted by The Wrong Sort of People
Predators Hunt the Wounded
An abuse survivor e-mailed me saying how she seemed to attract men who want to exploit her. On the other hand, good people seem to run from her. Tragically, this is the common experience of abuse survivors. I have always puzzled as to why this is. She sent me a couple of photos of herself. Then something clicked. I was a little gentler, but here is the essence of my e-mail to her:
Your photos, though nice, give the impression that you are sad, shy, lacking in confidence and aching for love. An evil man might look at those photos and think to himself, “Her need for love and for a boost in self-esteem seem so overwhelming that if I let her think that I could meet these needs, she would be so scared of losing me that she would find it hard to resist the urge to do anything I want. If I initially treat her tenderly and kindly and flatter her, I’ll have a good chance of turning her into virtually my slave. I could then treat her however I wish.”
If, on the other hand, a man saw you as happy, confident and relatively content, he’d assume you are quite choosy as to who you relate to and how far you would go. He’d assume you have none of the desperation that pressures some women to compromise their morals to get the love they crave.
Not only could this be a factor in men with evil intent being attracted to you, it could cause good men (or good women) to feel tempted to try to get their way with you. Because they are honorable, they might run for fear that if they stayed close to you they might yield to that temptation.
Regardless of how resistant to sexual pressure she really is, a person with low self-esteem and who craves love gives the impression that she is vulnerable to seduction. Upon finding such a person, immoral men feel emboldened to test their suspicion that they have found someone they could seduce.
To resist sexual advances, a woman craving love and lacking in self-esteem needs far superior self-control to that of other women, if she perceives that she must yield to those advances in order to receive the love she desperately needs. Furthermore, an abuse survivor is strongly tempted to accept the lie that because she has been mistreated before, she has little purity left to protect. This lie is yet another burden weighing down abuse survivors.
Moreover, in addition to these strong pressures, she will find resisting an evil man much harder than other women find it because she has a history of having done everything possible to resist and she was still overpowered. Her past tragedies cause her to lose hope that she could ever successfully prevent a man from exploiting her. She feels sure that any attempt to resist would be a futile waste of effort. Sexual predators know this, so they are on the look out for abuse survivors.
A tragically large number of abuse survivors have mistakenly thought that perhaps they have low morals or are evil or that God is against them, since that they seem to attract sexual predators. This is most certainly not so. The thought is so obviously incorrect that, theoretically, there should be no need to deny it. Sadly, it needs to be spelt out because sexual offenders are skilled at cruelly manipulating tender consciences, causing their victims to have a mistaken view of themselves. The truth is that abuse survivors tend to attract repeat offenses simply because they are hurting; and sexual predators, like beasts of prey, think the wounded might be an easier target.
If predators imagine they have a chance with you, it means nothing. Simply by refusing their advances, you can prove them wrong.
Knowing why the wrong sort of people might try to exploit you can be a relief. There is nothing wrong with you other than the simple fact that you are hurting. I am sure what you really want to know, however, is how to prevent this attention. It’s easy to say that self-esteem, confidence and feeling loved is the answer, but the difficulty is knowing how to grow in these things.
Grantley Morris: healing@net-burst.net
-__________________________We are NOT 'magnets' for abusers
They TARGET not just the vulnerable but those who's qualities are admired. Strong, intelligent, well-spoken, self-aware, attractive, successful. Then they take these people apart piece by piece. And enjoy doing it.
IT IS NOT YOU!!!
Click here for a Facebook Group for Survivors
Labels: abuse, abuser, attract, pathological, predators hunt the wounded, sex addict, user, vulnerable
Monday, January 29, 2018
The Dirty Dozen - Characteristics of a Psychopath
1. The ‘Jekyll/Hyde’ Psychopath comes on strong, sweeps us off our feet. Appearing to be our 'soulmate', he falsely mirrors our values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes and habits. He mimics our ambition, integrity, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. This control freak wants us dependent on him. He portrays false integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It never lasts as Jekyll turns into Hyde. He blames others. His victims are objectified and disposable. He convincingly mimics human emotions. His lack of conscience is shocking, incomprehensible and emotionally painful to us. We remember his odd reaction to situations. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are quickly discarded as he cultivates a "new perfect soulmate". He will have numerous relationships. He may drop verbal clues about his true character early in the relationship, but we fail to grasp its meaning. Later, when the psychopath eventually emerges, we remember his early warning. His targets suffer emotional and financial devastation and our emotional recovery is lengthy. Defense Strategy: Abandon your efforts to help or cure him. His true mask exposed, your 'soulmate' is gone forever. Accept the reality. Seek therapy. Join a support group to know you are not alone. Don't take the bait when he blames or lies. They fool even trained professionals. Do not be vulnerable or naive. Prepare for a nasty divorce. Accept no abuse. Learn about mental diseases and disorders.
2. The Female Psychopath: Using her false mask, this charming "Southern
Belle" schemer appears helpless or needy, pitiful, inept or emotionally unable to cope. Even total strangers give her things she gratefully accepts. Falsely claiming to be the victim, this passive parasite lures and abuses the normal protector/ provider instincts in her male target. When her mask comes off she is cunning, ruthless, predatory, and loveless. Defense Strategy: She'll try to hook and reel you in. Take the hook out of your lip. Don't make her emotional neediness your problem. This black hole of need can never be filled. Understand the mask of helplessness is not the "real her". If she won't give reasonable answers to reasonable questions turn and run. Beware and remember "...deadlier than the male." Realize she uses sexuality as a lure. Avoid financial or emotional involvement.
3. 'Liar Liar' He will lie for no reason. He will skilfully twists our words, evade
questions, and omit important facts in his ever-changing, self-serving goals. "Hang 'em high" he says about the murderer on the 6:00 news. This hypocrite claims high morals then proceeds to exploits, manipulate and abuse others. His lies and projection are emotionally cruel. He will accuse you of being crazy. Defense Strategy: Quietly verify what he says. The grain of truth he drops occasionally is deceptive manipulation. Do not try to negotiate or bargain. Head for the door when things don't add up. Learn about projection.
4. The Thrill Seeker never learns from his past follies. Easily bored, his hunt for new thrills escalates. His reckless disregard for others endangers them. Poor impulse control, bad judgment, criminal activity and substance abuse are common. Defense Strategy: Don't get involved. Use your good judgment. Say No. Don't take the bait of his rage or manipulation. Don't bail him out.
5. The Malevolent Psychopath is now fully unmasked. We remember when his
eyes were vacant, cold and predatory. This wife-beater, murderer, serial killer,
stalker, rapist, fighter, harasser, terrorist has a 'chip-on-his-shoulder' attitude. His short fuse erupts into rages. He anticipates betrayal, humiliation or punishment. He imagines rejection and rejects first to 'get it over with'. He will harass to get your reaction and try to make you look out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. He has no remorse, no conscience and no regard for the rights of others. This coward sadistically picks on the vulnerable, women, children and the elderly. Defies probation or the courts. He has bad judgment. He never learns his lesson and and repeats past actions to his own detriment. The media loves stories about his heinous acts. Defense Strategy: Act to protect yourself physically, financially and emotionally. Don't tip your hand that you're leaving. Don't take the bait of his over-reactions. Be aware of the services of the police, law and shelters.
6. The Arrogant Psychopath Displays his false mask and his haughty strut as he
demands centre stage. He seeks envy, attention even our fear and hatred. He can never get enough. Fame or infamy are the same to him if he can acquire notoriety. Reacts disproportionately to situations. He boastfully displays his possessions to garner attention. Defense Strategy: Learn the red flags of behaviour. Demand equal treatment. Deny him the attention he demands. Learn about Malignant Narcissism
7. The Charismatic Leader manipulates others to obtain status, control, compliance, money, attention. His effective brainwashing tactics often found in religious cults or political venues. He targets the naive, vulnerable, uneducated or mentally weak. He falsely portrays himself to be virtuous, the perfect father, husband, spiritual leader, advisor, mentor, friend. Defense Strategy: Avoid him. Know his payoff is attention, money or abusing us. Be suspicious of excessive charisma emanating from others. Pay attention when your gut instinct tells you to avoid him.
8. The Promiscuous Psychopath (male or female). Pornography, hypersexuality, masturbation, poor boundaries, exhibitionism, use of prostitutes, incest are reported by his targets. Anyone, young, old, male/female are there for his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for 'sado-maso' sexuality. Easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. The internet a favourite hunting ground. However, another type exists, the one who withholds sex or affection. Defense Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own. Be aware of their frequent presence on the internet.
9. The Nomadic Parasite has a lack of long-term goals. With unrealistic expectations, he is aimless and lacking commitment, focus or direction. He aggressively pursues opportunistic predatory use of others. Defense strategy: Be aware of their red flags. Don't bail him out. Know his ability to appear helpless, pitiful, confused and needing our assistance.
10. Conman/Manipulator pits people against each other. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others as he sets us up to take the fall while he enjoys watching the performance he orchestrates. Keeps his allies and targets separate to avoid exposure. Verbally skilled at twisting our words, this charmer usually gets his way. Applying 'fear' selling tactics, this scam artist crafts situations to appear indispensable, ready to solve our problems. Money and conning others are his objective. He will agree to anything then turn around and do the opposite. He will accuse you of breaking the contract. Legal, custody agreements and normal social or personal protocol mean nothing to him. Enjoys orchestrating police/legal action and playing the role of the 'poor me' victim. Defense Strategy: Expect him to disregard the agreement. Know the 'nature of the beast'. Facing consequences is his best lesson. Avoid involvement. Be self-sufficient. Avoid any "Trust-Me" get-rich-quick sales pitch. Learn how swindlers and scam artists operate.
11. The Professional Psychopath is often successful and intelligent in his field. He can masterfully fake his abilities and credentials. He exploits others, and must be in absolute control. He relies on his intellectual manipulation, and charisma. His eye on the boardroom, he backstabs his way to high position. He ruthlessly abuses his power. His bad judgment has adverse affects on many levels of society. He places others in problem or failure situations. This professional bully has no social conscience, and is often suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further their own objective but this wheeler-dealer leaves them holding the bag. Defense Strategy: Keep your references and resume up to date. Don't get involved in anything illegal. Document thoroughly to protect yourself. Thwarting them may backlash with a cascade of retaliation.
12. The Psychopathic Child displays signs as early as age 3. This juvenile delinquent shows early red flags of psychopathy including lying, fighting, stealing, bullying, bad judgment, cheating, cruelty to animals, vandalism, truancy, sexual activity, fire-setting, substance abuse, and running away from home. Many see him as 'sneaky'. Defense Strategy: Fix the problem, not the blame. Maintain domestic stability. Recognize signs in early childhood. Reinforce and reward positive behaviour. Seek therapy. Establish firm moral integrity practices and standards within the home.
(most psychopaths we know of have combinations of the traits listed above)
Labels: arrogant, con man, defense, evil, liar, manipulator, narcissist, psychopath, sex addict, sociopath, traits
Friday, November 17, 2017
IS MY SPOUSE (or PARTNER) A SEX ADDICT?
ask yourself, honestly:
- Does your spouse have unaccountable time?
- Does your spouse have unaccountable money?
- Does your spouse have unaccountable moods?
- Does your spouse's moods depend on whether he/she gets sex or not?
- Does your spouse have a lack of sexual activity with you?
- Does your spouse have a history of emotional, physical or sexual abuse or neglect?
- Does your spouse have a supply of pornography (online or offline)?
- Have you been told he has a sex addiction (hookers, affairs, porn)?
- Are there many arguments over sex?
- Is your spouse unable to be emotionally intimate?
- Does sex appear to not satisfy him/her (wants more right away or there never seems to be enough)?
- Does he come up with new positions or things he begs you to do and then gets upset when you say "no"?
- Does he respect you?
- Is there a lot of anger or erratic behavior when he/she is said "no" to sexually?
- Do you feel alone during your sexual encounters?
- Do you feel used, dirty or abandoned after sexual encounters?
- Is there a sense that he's/she's got his "fix" and now he's better?
Labels: boundaries, emotional abuse, hookers, porn, pornography, prostitution, respect, sex addict, sex addiction, verbal abuse
