Sanctuary for the Abused

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Myths of Infidelity


THE PEOPLE WHO ARE running from bed to bed creating disasters for themselves and everyone else don‘t seem to know what they are doing. They just don‘t get it. But why should they? There is a mythology about infidelity that shows up in the popular press and even in the mental health literature that is guaranteed to mislead people and make dangerous situations even worse. Some of these myths are:

1. Everybody is unfaithful; it is normal, expectable behavior. Mozart, in his comic opera Cosi Fan Tutti, insisted that women all do it, but a far more common belief is that men all do it: "Higgamous, hoggamous, woman‘s monogamous; hoggamous, higgamous, man is polygamous.‘

In Nora Ephron‘s movie,
Heartburn Meryl Streep‘s husband has left her for another woman. She turns to her father for solace, but he dismisses her complaint as the way of all male flesh: "if you want monogamy, marry a swan."

We don‘t know how many people are unfaithful; if people will lie to their own husband or wife, they surely aren‘t going to be honest with poll takers. We can guess that one-half of married men and one-third of married women have dropped their drawers away from home at least once. That‘s a lot of infidelity.

Still, most people are faithful most of the time. Without the expectation of fidelity, intimacy becomes awkward and marriage adversarial. People who expect their partner to betray them are likely to beat them to the draw, and to make both of them miserable in the meantime.

Most species of birds and animals in which the male serves some useful function other than sperm donation are inherently monogamous. Humans, like other nest builders, are monogamous by nature, but imperfectly so. We can be trained out of it, though even in polygamous and promiscuous cultures people show their true colors when they fall blindly and crazily in love. And we have an escape clause: nature mercifully permits us to survive our mates and mate again. But if we slip up and take a new mate while the old mate is still alive, it is likely to destroy the pair bonding with our previous mate and create great instinctual disorientation -- which is part of the tragedy of infidelity.

2. Affairs are good for you; an affair may even revive a dull marriage. Back at the height of the sexual revolution, the Playboy philosophy and its Cosmopolitan counterpart urged infidelity as a way to keep men manly, women womanly, and marriage vital. Lately, in such books as Annette Lawson‘s Adultery and Dalma Heyn‘s The Erotic Silence of the American Wife, women have been encouraged to act out their sexual fantasies as a blow for equal rights.

It is true that if an affair is blatant enough and if all hell breaks loose, the crisis of infidelity can shake up the most petrified marriage, Of course, any crisis can serve the same detonation function, and burning the house down might be a safer, cheaper, and more readily forgivable attention-getter.

the reality is that infidelity, whether it is furtive or blatant, will blow hell out of a marriage

However utopian the theories, the reality is that infidelity, whether it is furtive or blatant, will blow hell out of a marriage. In 30 odd years of practice, I have encountered only a handful of established first marriages that ended in divorce without someone being unfaithful, often with the infidelity kept secret throughout the divorce process and even for years afterwards. Infidelity is the sine qua non of divorce.

3. People have affairs because they aren‘t in love with their marriage partner. People tell me this, and they even remember it this way. But on closer examination it routinely turns out that the marriage was fine before the affair happened, and the decision that they were not in love with their marriage partner was an effort to explain and justify the affair.

Being in love does not protect people from lust. Screwing around on your loved one is not a very loving thing to do, and it may be downright hostile. Every marriage is a thick stew of emotions ranging from lust to disgust, desperate love to homicidal rage. It would be idiotic to reduce such a wonderfully rich emotional diet to a question ("love me?" or "love me not?") so simplistic that it is best asked of the petals of daisies. Nonetheless, people do ask themselves such questions, and they answer them.

Falling out of love is no reason to betray your mate. If people are experiencing a deficiency in their ability to love their partner, it is not clear how something so hateful as betraying him or her would restore it.

4. People have affairs because they are oversexed. Affairs are about secrets. The infidelity is not necessarily in the sex, but in the dishonesty.

Swingers have sex openly, without dishonesty and therefore without betrayal (though with a lot of scary bugs.) More cautious infidels might have chaste but furtive lunches and secret telephone calls with ex-spouses or former affair partners-nothing to sate the sexual tension, but just enough to prevent a marital reconciliation or intimacy in the marriage.

Affairs generally involve sex, at least enough sex to create a secret that seals the conspiratorial alliance of the affair, and makes the relationship tense, dangerous, and thus exciting. Most affairs consist of a little bad sex and hours on the telephone. I once saw a case in which the couple had attempted sex once 30 years before and had limited the intimacy in their respective marriages while they maintained their sad, secret love with quiet lunches, pondering the crucial question of whether or not he had gotten it all the way in on that immortal autumn evening in 1958.

In general, monogamous couples have a lot more sex than the people who are screwing around.

infidelity is not necessarily in the sex, but in the dishonesty.

5. Affairs are ultimately the fault of the cuckold. Patriarchal custom assumes that when a man screws around it must be because of his wife‘s aesthetic, sexual, or emotional deficiencies. She failed him in some way. And feminist theory has assured us that if a wife screws around it must be because men are such assholes. Many people believe that screwing around is a normal response to an imperfect marriage and is, by definition, the marriage partner‘s fault. Friends and relatives, bartenders, therapists, and hairdressers, often reveal their own gender prejudices and distrust of marriage, monogamy, intimacy, and honesty, when they encourage the infidel to put the blame on the cuckold rather than on him- or herself.

One trick for avoiding personal blame and responsibility is to blame the marriage itself (too early, too late, too soon after some event) or some unchangeable characteristic of the partner (too old, too tall, too ethnic, too smart, too experienced, too inexperienced.) This is both a cop-out and a dead end.

Matters are very different though when dealing with a 'cuckolded'-spouse who was abusing his mate. The mates very often becomes prime target for a predatory personality. Their low-self esteem and need for love and understanding can make them a prime target. Often for someone one more abusive than the spouse.

One marriage partner can make the other miserable, but can‘t make the other unfaithful. (The cuckold is usually not even there when the affair is taking place). Civilization and marriage require that people behave appropriately however they feet, and that they take full responsibility for their actions. "My wife drove me to it with her nagging"; "I can‘t help what I do because of what my father did to me"; "She came on to me and her skirt was very short"; "I must be a sex addict"; et cetera. Baloney! If people really can‘t control their sexual behavior, they should not be permitted to run around loose.

There is no point in holding the cuckold responsible for the infidel‘s sexual behavior unless the cuckold has total control over the sexual equipment that has run off the road. Only the driver is responsible.

If people really can‘t control their sexual behavior, they should not be permitted to run around loose.

6. It is best to pretend not to know. There are people who avoid unpleasantness and would rather watch the house burn down than bother anyone by yelling "Fire!" Silence fuels the affair, which can thrive only in secrecy. Adulterous marriages begin their repair only when the secret is out in the open, and the infidel does not need to hide any longer. Of course, it also helps to end the affair.

A corollary is the belief that infidels must deny their affairs interminably and do all that is possible to drive cuckolds to such disorientation that they will doubt their own sanity rather than doubt their partner‘s fidelity. In actuality, the continued lying and denial is usually the most unforgivable aspect of the infidelity.

One man was in the habit of jogging each evening, but his wife noticed that his running clothes had stopped stinking. Suspicious, she followed him-to his secretary‘s apartment. She burst in and confronted her husband who was standing naked in the secretary‘s closet. She demanded: "What are you doing here?" He responded: "You do not see me here. You have gone crazy and are imagining this." She almost believed him, and remains to this day angrier about that than about the affair itself. Once an affair is known or even suspected, there is no safety in denial, but there is hope in admission.
I recently treated a woman whose physician husband divorced her 20 years ago after a few years of marriage, telling her that she had an odor that was making him sick, and he had developed an allergy to her. She felt so bad about herself she never remarried.
I suspected there was more to the story, and sent her back to ask him whether he had been unfaithful to her. He confessed that he had been, but had tried to shield her from hurt by convincing her that he had been faithful and true but that she was repulsive. She feels much worse about him now, but much better about herself. She now feels free to date.

7. After an affair, divorce is inevitable. Essentially all first-time divorces occur in the wake of an affair. With therapy though, most adulterous marriages can be saved, and may even be stronger and more intimate than they were before the crisis. I have rarely seen a cuckold go all the way through with a divorce after a first affair that is now over. Of course, each subsequent affair lowers the odds drastically.

It doesn‘t happen the way it does in the movies. The indignant cuckold does scream and yell and carry on and threaten all manner of awful things-which should not be surprising since his or her life has just been torn asunder. But he or she quickly calms down and begins the effort to salvage the marriage, to pull the errant infidel from the arms of the dreaded affair.

When a divorce occurs, it is because the infidel can not escape the affair in time or cannot face going back into a marriage in which he or she is now known and understood and can no longer pose as the chaste virgin or white knight spotless and beyond criticism. A recent New Yorker cartoon showed a forlorn man at a bar complaining: "My wife understands me."

Appropriate guilt is always helpful, though it must come from inside rather than from a raging, nasty spouse; anger is a lousy seduction technique for anyone except terminal weirdos. Guilt is good for you. Shame, however, makes people run away and hide.

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Sunday, November 15, 2009

Men's Secret Lives

What are they really doing online?

The power of the internet is helping friends, families and loved ones stay more connected than ever. There is a wealth of information and opportunity available on the internet. With this power and opportunity, however, also comes a variety of illicit activities that your child, your lover, or your spouse can become involved in.

Many people throughout the world use the internet to buy products, research information, connect with loved ones and find support for almost anything that ails them. However, there is a very real and serious problem affecting our families and that is the variety of activities that tear at the core of the family and loving and marital relationships.

A recent survey conducted by Focus On The Family and Zogby International found that 1 out of 5 American adults may have looked for sex on the Internet. 20.8% of respondents to a March 8-10 survey admitted they had visited a sexually-oriented Web site. The percentage of those viewing sex sites was higher among males and young adults. An Internet saturated with pornography is making it alarmingly easy to bring sexual temptation right into our homes. This is a growing problem for thousands of families that struggle with the effects of sexual compulsion and addiction, families like Deanne's.

Deanne's Story
Deanne, a wife and mother of five children, was dismayed about the time her husband was spending on their home computer. "He said he was working late at night sometimes not coming to bed until 3 or 4 in the morning. It was rare that we slept together much because he was awake and online." Deanne would sometimes wake up and go check on her husband and sometimes he would be working online and sometimes he was just "surfing".

What caused Deanne more anguish, though, was her husband's demeanor toward her and their children. "He was distant, short, and introspective. He wasn't the same guy." His sex drive was suffering and he became verbally abusive to her and to their children. "He wasn't this way before he started using the computer so much late at night."

"In my gut, I knew something was terribly wrong but I didn't know what it was. One day while on the internet, I was searching for a site I had previously visited and noticed in the history on our internet browser that a chat room at a pornographic site had been visited. I knew I had not been there." Deanne confronted her husband about it and said he wouldn't do it again. But her husband's strange behavior continued and Deanne needed to know the truth.

"I downloaded a product called Spectorsoft and installed it in less than 5 minutes. What I recorded that night made me sick.
Despair, humiliation and betrayal were what I was feeling that next morning when I looked to see where he had been. He wasn't working at all. He was being unfaithful to me."

Cyberaffairs are more common than people realize. It is not unusual for someone having a cyberaffair to spend at least four hours a day chatting online. To help partners determine if their loved one is cheating, here are the Seven Tell-Tale Signs of a Cyberaffair that you should look out for.

1. Change in sleep patterns - Chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, so the cheating partner tends to stay up later and later to be part of the action. Often, the partner suddenly begins coming to bed in the early-morning hours, may leap out of bed an hour or two earlier and bolt to the computer for a pre-work e-mail exchange with a new romantic partner may explain things.

2. A demand for privacy - If someone begins cheating on their spouse, whether on-line or in real life, they'll often go to great lengths to hide the truth from their wife or husband. With a cyberaffair, this attempt usually leads to the search for greater privacy and secrecy surrounding their computer usage. The computer may be moved from the visible den to a secluded corner of his locked study, the spouse may change the password, or cloak all his or her online activities in secrecy. If disturbed or interrupted when online, the cheating spouse may react with anger or defensiveness.

3. Household chores ignored - When any Internet user increases his time on-line, household chores often go undone. That's not automatically a sign of a cyberaffair, but in a marriage those dirty dishes, piles of laundry, and un-mowed lawns might indicate that someone else is competing for the suspected person's attention. In an intimate relationship, sharing chores often is regarded as an integral part of a basic commitment. So when a spouse begins to invest more time and energy on-line and fails to keep up his or her end of the household bargain, it could signal a lesser commitment to the relationship itself - because another relationship has come between your marriage.

4. Evidence of lying - The cheating spouse may hide credit-card bills for on-line services, telephone bills to calls made to a cyberlover, and lie about the reason for such extensive net use. Most spouses lie to protect their on-line habit, but those engaging in a cyberaffair have a higher stake in concealing the truth, which often triggers bigger and bolder lies - including telling you they will quit. (some even will quit for short or extended periods of time.... it rarely lasts)

5. Personality changes - A spouse is often surprised and confused to see how much their partner's moods and behaviors changed since the Internet engulfed them. A once warm and sensitive wife becomes cold and withdrawn. A formerly jovial husband turns quiet and serious. If questioned about these changes in connection with their Internet habit, the spouse engaging in a cyberaffair responds with heated denials, blaming, and rationalization. Often times, the blame is shifted to the spouse.
For a partner once willing to communicate about contentious matters, this could be a smokescreen for a cyberaffair.

6. Loss of interest in sex - Some cyberaffairs evolve into phone sex or an actual rendezvous, but cybersex alone often includes mutual masturbation from the confines of each person's computer room. When a spouse suddenly shows a lesser interest in sex, it may be an indicator that he or she has found another sexual outlet. If sexual relations continue in the relationship at all, the cheating partner may be less enthusiastic, energetic, and responsive to you and your lovemaking.

7. Declining investment in your relationship - Those engaged in a cyberaffair no longer want to participate in the marital relationship - even when their busy Internet schedule allows. They shun those familiar rituals like a shared bath, talking over the dishes after dinner, or renting a video on Saturday night. They don't get as excited about taking vacations together and they avoid talk about long-range plans in the family or relationship. Often, they are having their fun with someone else, and their thoughts of the future revolve around fantasies of running off with their cyberpartner - not building intimacy with a spouse.

Reprinted with permission courtesy of The Center for On-Line Addiction (COLA)

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