Sanctuary for the Abused

Sunday, March 15, 2020

How A Narcissist Reacts to a Disaster or Illness in Your Life

by Kathy Krajco

Into virtually every life comes disaster. Bankruptcy, serious illness, divorce, getting laid-off or fired, failure of any sort -- you name it, whether through your own fault or not.

How will a narcissist in your life react to the situation?

Add it up: You mean nothing to him or her. You are just an object to exploit for their aggrandizement. They have no human feelings for you (despite the occasional put-on) whatsoever. And now you are more vulnerable than ever.

Now you are down, so expect a kick.
Expect the abuse to escalate.
Expect them to behave so cruelly and brutally that nobody who doesn't see it would believe it.

From what I've observed and heard, I dare say that this is the mistake everyone abused by someone in their immediate family makes: they expect the narcissist to react to a crisis the way a normal human being would. Your plight would tug on a normal person's heartstrings, even if you were an adversary. So, he or she would let up on you under those circumstances. Yes, even adversaries will let up on you, because they see you are no threat to them under the circumstances.

But a narcissist reacts the opposite way a normal human person does.
In this, narcissists are only following the same perverse pattern they always do: instead of being appeased by efforts to appease them, they react with a rage; instead of being drawn to what evokes sympathy, they abominate it and react with contempt; instead of being grateful for favors you've done them, they react with hatred (for this proof that they are not God Almighty in your helping them). In short, they react backwards to everything. So, why should we be surprised when a narcissist exploits some catastrophe in our lives to malign and abuse us with shocking inhumanity?

The victims of narcissists get blind-sided by this because narcissists are from the planet Pluto. They are NOT acting on normal human premises. So, it's not about your plight: it's all about THEIR ego. So, they see this as NOTHING BUT an opportunity to vaunt themselves on you, period. In other words, they aren't acting on normal human premises; they are acting on narcissistic premises. Those are the premises of PREDATORS. They react to vulnerability the way any predator does = by salivating.

If possible, they will make a big show to the rest of the world of being your savior, while behind closed doors they are beating the you-know-what out of you and trying to drive you to suicide -- just because they know you're trapped in the situation.

As I've often said before, I'm convinced that the only reign on their conduct is what they think they can get away with.

And that changes from day to day.

SOURCE

Labels: abuse, evil. predators, narcissism, narcissist, objectification, opposite, reactions

shared by Barbara at 12:06 AM 17 comments

NO CONTACT

What! Wouldst thou have a serpent sting thee twice?

William Shakespeare (The Merchant of Venice)

"Self Discipline is Self Esteem"

Abbreviations: N=Narcissist, P=Psychopath,
D&D = devalued & discarded

"We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they've caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go to the Devil." No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word."
"The no contact rule was the best thing I ever did...please stay strong."
"No contact is so essential. Your pride and dignity are riding on it."
"We don't want the NP back in our life... we only want them when we are hurting."
"No contact is the strongest statement I can make to him"
"NO CONTACT is the best to be hoped for; and this principle of recovery must be held to with tenacious trust that this is the best thing we can do for ourselves --- AND the N!"
"We must all let go of people who hurt us whether we understand why or not."
"I had to treat no contact like a drug addiction. There were times I had to count the minutes, then hours of no contact. I marked days off on the calendar. My entire life went to hell and I finally got mad and took it back. I am making my own happiness these days. It's still a struggle but it gets better every day. I had to force myself through the initial no contact but once I started to see our relationship for what it was it became easier and easier."
"Things he said to me when I was D&D'd are what made me begin the no contact... and I would have wasted all that I had established, for myself, if I ever contact him again. I have often been asked what I would do if he tried to re-establish contact with me. Up until a few days ago, I did not really have an answer. But, I have climbed up to another level and I know now that I would do exactly what is recommended...thanks, but no thanks. I am not the same person, I have nothing more to give to you, I know that you have absolutely nothing to give to me."
"You have the upper hand with no contact. Hang on to it for dear life."
"Keep that list of horrors he'd done and print off those articles that really zing in on what he really is and read them both with your breakfast cereal. This helps reinforce our No Contact commitment and keeps the malignant optimisms/magical thinking we're often prone to away."
"I have no contact with my brother who is a P he still tries the manipulation through emails and my mother is a P. She tries through letters, same words, same game. It is very hard not to respond, you just have to keep reminding yourself what would happen to you if you did respond. It is as though they still have part of your mind and it takes a lot of strength to break free and not respond."
"I used those Olympic-class thinking tactics to picture how I'd react when he came up to me on the street. Well it worked. I just said "I have to go now, goodbye" and walked away. No payoff from me! I gave myself a Gold Medal in detaching."
"The No Contact rule is definitely it. I feel any contact with him is like sticking my hand in a snake pit."
"I was coming out of a 18 year marriage. He saw my vulnerability a mile away!! I cannot stress the no contact rule enough."
"Unfortunately as long as you stay with or talk to an N you will remain a form of supply for them whether it be good, bad or ugly. The only way you can achieve any type of victory over them is to walk away with your head held high and have no contact. The longer you stay, the longer you will miss out on your own life."
"They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact rule is the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt."
"I notice your N makes no effort to even acknowledge how his behaviour has hurt you. Expect him to blame you and tell you that you are the unreasonable one the whole way down the line. They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact rule is the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt. Waiting for an N to validate your experience or change the N behaviours could mean you will be trading emails at 90 and still not get any further going round in their crazy circles."
"You deserve a rich full life. An N will rob you of that. Stay clear. No contact."
"There is power in our silence. The power we gain during the No Contact period can't be emphasized enough.
"Give it time. Use the power of silence."
"We're strongest with No Contact. It's idiot proof, requires no effort on our part. It is free of charge and if used according to directions is, 100% guaranteed."
"There is only one message they hear and that is the silence of No Contact."
"I had some good old-fashioned growing up to do. No Contact thrust me into that. That's when I really started to see things as they were." It'll be the best thing you every do for yourself."
"Time and no contact is absolutely the only way, because anytime I have anything to do with him other than leaving notes for him when he comes to see the kids, it creates a "feelings setback" for me."
"My therapist very rarely "advises" me, as such - preferring to help me see the right answers for myself. But the one thing he's been absolutely emphatic about, ever since I told him about it, is that I must NOT contact my N, under ANY circumstances."
"And, if you do N-dip and heaven knows we try far too hard to fix them, fix the problem and make it work, and if you do, remember to protect yourself financially and emotionally. Cut yourself some slack on this, OK. Sometimes No Contact is a learned habit."
"There is a point where you re-find yourself (well at least that kick-start moment towards self-knowledge and emotional freedom...It's a neverending process), and life becomes an open field, your soul breathes again. No contact and time spent alone out of the crazy-making environment will help you greatly. My, you just have to stay stoic 'til you're out. Make sure that you give yourself every chance to recuperate your senses and not have your mind invaded by anyone."
"NO CONTACT is the only way that God will work. We must not try to get in the way and do all the work, instead of God doing it."
"After the worst of it was over, what I found to be key was to have no contact with him. None. Do not say go to hell. Do not say I love you. Do not, above all, try to sit down and have a dialogue, to reason with him. No response of any kind is the answer."
"The months of distance from him is what FINALLY helped me reach closure. Up close, I can't keep straight what is what. I fall right back into old habits, no matter how much therapy, etc. I have. From a distance, it's all crystal clear."
"The best therapists tell us to stick like glue to that self-imposed No Contact rule. No contact works, but we need to give it a chance".
"The more time I stay in NC...the stronger I get."
"It reminds me of quitting smoking, hang in there long enough and the urge for contact will pass."
"Beware of the Contact Trap. So many of them turn our hope into hell claiming THEY ARE BEING HARASSED OR STALKED - by us!! Ns love the courts so we can end up trying to defend ourselves in a lawsuit."

SOURCE

Keep them pinned up in a room where you will see them throughout the day, read them frequently to remind you of them.

Tips to Help You Adhere to No Contact

Settle all critical business before you begin no-contact. This means business only... no personal exchanges.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. To keep my sanity and totally end this relationship, I must maintain NO CONTACT.

2. No contact includes every single form of contact with him/her..

2a. This also includes... do NOT ask friends/family about him/her and do NOT let friends/family tell you about him/her. If need be I will go NC with any friends/family who try to get me to break NC.

3. I will not email him/her. I will not answer their emails. I will block them.

4. I will not call him/her. I will not answer their calls. I will block them and if need be, change my number to a unlisted one (and not give it to anyone who may pass it along to them).

5. I will not send him/her letters, cards for any occasion or notes of any kind. Any flowers, mail or packages they send to me will be refused or marked "delivery refused" and put back into the mail, unopened. (DO SAVE IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS AND ANYTHING THAT COULD BE USED FOR 'EVIDENCE' OF STALKING, HARASSMENT, etc)

6. I will not text message, two way, fax or page him/her.

7. If he/she calls me, I will hang up immediately, or not answer the phone at all.

8. If he/she leaves a voice mail or answering machine messages, I will delete it without listening to it. (Anything he/she says is done to draw me back into his/her web of insanity.)

9. If he/she emails me, I will delete the message without reading it or answering it. I will not check his/her Facebook/Tumblr/LinkedIn etc, and I will block them.

10. If he/she mails me a card, letter or note of any kind, I will throw it into the garbage can without opening it or reading it or write DELIVERY REFUSED and put it in the nearest mailbox WITHOUT reading or opening it (DO SAVE IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS AND ANYTHING THAT COULD BE USED FOR 'EVIDENCE' OF STALKING, HARASSMENT, etc)

11. If he/she two-ways me, text messages or emails me, I will delete the message or the phone number and not listen to the message or return his/her call. (DO SAVE IMPORTANT TEXTS AND ANYTHING THAT COULD BE USED FOR 'EVIDENCE' OF STALKING, HARASSMENT, etc. USE A JOURNAL)

12. If I am ever tempted to do anything listed from 1-11, I will call my therapist or a friend immediately and talk about it.

OR replace a hopeful reunion fantasy and toxic hopes that they will "get it" and "change" and apologize with a Clear Memory of a time that he/she insulted me, manipulated me, shamed me, blamed me, abused me, used me, belittled me, made me cry, used my children, friends or family to demean me, embarrassed me in front of co-workers, family or friends or used 'love' as a way to intentionally hurt me.

13. If I feel like I am about to reach for the phone to call him/her, write, email, page, fax or text message him/her, I will count to ten and clearly ask myself silently, why am I doing this? what do I think will REALLY happen?

14. If friends, family or clergy are not supportive of my efforts to remove myself from this relationship, I will not discuss my personal life with them and will ask them sternly not to offer their opinions. My decisions about this are my own. This is My Battle.

15. If I find that the urge to speak to him/her or see him/her has overwhelmed me and I slip off the course, I promise to be kind to myself and patient with the situation, then get right back on to No Contact.

16. I promise to be good to myself, forgive myself and allow myself to move on and not dwell on this for ever.

17. I will stop creating chaos in my mind & environment. I will stop listening to everyone else who doesn't 'get it' or looking for the answer I want to hear, rather than the answer I NEED to hear.

18. I will accept reality - The facts.

19. I will accept others for who they REALLY are. (not what I'd like them to be)

20. My hands are off others responsibilities: I will tend to my own, focus on me.

21. I will refuse to believe any of his/her lies about how wonderful his/her life is now. Basing the truth on the past, I will assume him/her to be lying. I will believe ACTIONS not Words.

22. I will distrust every time he/she has a "change of heart."

23. I will journal all my positive and negative feelings.

24. I must accept my own responsibility for maintaining No Contact. This includes writing a letter to them explaining why I went NC. I will stop expecting them to understand or 'get it.'

25. I will completely stop expecting them to understand or 'get it.' I will keep my children completely away from them no matter what threats they make.

26. We must love ourselves. And get counseling to help ourselves.

27. Take time off, just for me.

28. Find out what we need and go after that in friends that are worthy and have substance, morals, and ethics.

NO CONTACT IS THE END - no loopholes, no excuse, no exceptions. Period.

Accept nothing less for yourself.

Labels: denial, detachment, harm, healing, narcissist, no contact, pain, psychopath, trauma bonding

shared by Barbara at 12:04 AM 27 comments

Destroying the Lives of Others

Narcissists expect and demand that the ones nearest and dearest to them, tolerate, admire, love, and cater to their needs. They expect others to be at their immediate disposal. Their behavior is obnoxious, aloof and indifferent and they fully realize this. Narcissists test the mental limits of people's patience. Individuals in a relationship with a narcissist feel something is not “quite right,” and many seek answers to the unsettling experience of day to day contact with a narcissist.

Narcissistic individuals do not tend to be physically abusive although there are some out there that are. Their worst weapon is their mouth. With their mouth they spit verbal negations and dispense emotional abuse. Their vocal cords are their method of attempting to control others.

Narcissists do not have the emotional capacity to provide support or understanding to others. There are numerous defense mechanisms which narcissists use to confuse and unbalance those around them. Organization is unknown to narcissistic individuals and they avoid future plans if it concerns pleasing another for some reason not evident to them.

They do not want anyone thinking highly of them for several reasons. First, their sense of self as special, unique and deserving keeps them grounded at maintenance level in their relationships. Maintenance level is just enough, just in time to keep the folly of the relationship moving forward, but just enough and no more. To expend more energy on the relationship would cause others to feel some degree of predictability in the whole affair. Contributing to the happiness of the ones they already envy for having the ability to feel love is not a an activity in which narcissists wish to participate.

Second, if another thinks highly of the narcissist then there are expectations which that person has that the narcissist must fulfill. The narcissist, however, does not intend to fill anyone's expectations except that of his/her own.

Happiness, joy, and the effort to please others is not normally undertaken by the narcissist except in the beginning or potential ending of a relationship. At either of these points, the narcissist may be charming, helpful, pleasing, and amusing beyond imagination. But, this effort is only used to obtain a new narcissistic supply source or to win back the affection of an important source if abandonment appears eminent. At all other times, the narcissist believes his/her presence, is clearly and abundantly sufficient to maintain the loyalty, trust, affection and respect of those which the narcissist already considers his/her object. So, the narcissist will postpone, withhold or procrastinate the continuing efforts that are essential to maintaining any kind of meaningful relationship. A narcissistic person is unable to fake the emotion of love for another for a long period of time. This impairs the capacity for a committed relationship with a narcissist. Therefore, marital instability and promiscuity are prominent in those with NPD.

Narcissists can perform obligations in the global areas of their lives and with strangers quite well. But, with those individuals they have already captured, they find the expenditure of civil treatment taxing to their mental reserve and not really necessary. They routinely display to their captured objects their worst traits. These may include abuse of alcohol, sex, verbal negations or other behaviors that tend to keep people at a distance and not allow any close interpersonal strength to develop. This is evident in the narcissists relationships with their wives/husbands, girlfriends/boyfriends, children, brothers, and sisters.

Narcissists will never accept the blame for anything that happens in a relationship. They are quite ready to blame the other person involved. They expect to be the center of attention in a relationship and demand their every wish be fulfilled by their partner.

Don't expect the narcissist to get better with age. By the time they are old they have pushed everyone who has ever tried to care about them away. Their narcissistic characteristics also seem to increase after the death of parents or loss of others that have exerted some type of control over them.

A relationship with a narcissist can at times be fun and invigorating. After the relationship has come to an end, for the non-disordered, there maybe a feeling of let down or boredom. A relationship with a narcissist is like a roller coaster ride--there are extreme highs and lows. Be thankful the relationship has ended. The best advice for anyone who is presently involved with a narcissist is to RUN! The relationship won't get better. Also, it's better to get out before the narcissist snatches away all your self-esteem. Remember, their worst weapon is their mouth.

Labels: abuse, destroy, disrespect, infidelity, liars, narcissism, narcissists, smear campaign