Sanctuary for the Abused

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Blog Reader Appreciation Day


This week Sanctuary for the Abused got it's 778,000th hit. That's 778,000 hits in the 10 years since I opened this site to the public.

I am honored and awed that so many have found resources and answers there. I am moved often to tears by the thank you letters I get from women & men who found the strength and information they needed to reclaim their lives there.

I started this blog in November, 2003 as a way to keep my own personal research on abuse private and out of view from people around me, including an abuser. As a voracious reader and a research junkie... I needed answers and I got them.

Nine years ago I was 'emotionally raped' by a narcissistic sociopath. Someone who I had felt I was friends with for more than 1/2 my life and yet - had no idea of his true nature for those 28 years. Someone who, to this day, tells a very backward, upside-down and twisted version of the truth (projecting all the things he did on to me) I was left feeling very used & alone with no one to trust. Particularly myself. I made a decision to open that site to the public not only for my own therapy - but because the pain I realized so many others were going through was so similar to mine. I was told by to "move on" and "get over it" when psychologists and trauma counselors let me know - that would never be fully possible.

I won't tell anyone what to do about the abuse in their lives. I know I personally turned a blind eye to it for years and even rationalized it away. I learned that one big reason was because I was raised by a pathological parent so had no idea and was brainwashed to accept the unacceptable. I simply put the information out there. You must reach your own decisions.

In the last years many, many painful revelations have come for me. Only through reading, therapy and helping others - has any of what I have personally experienced made any sense at all.

In 2004 after finally getting clarification on one of the more soul-rending experiences I have had with being abused, I decided that only by trying to help others could I be productive and move forward

I know first hand what it is to be taken advantage of, brainwashed, emotionally raped, used, lied to, manipulated, laughed at, slandered, covertly abused, verbally abused, ignored, sexually used, psychologically abused and much more. I spend time seeing where people who visit come from... what groups or links brought them to me.... and what I post there hopefully answers that.

I want to remind all of you that I am trying to make the site a one-stop-shopping place without detracting from anyone's work.  I make no money from this site (in 2012 I made $15 in donations - I keep none of it.  I know only too well victims are often strapped for cash.  My naysayers say I am 'luring' people to this site.  How the work of others & the validation of other's experience for free is luring anyone to anything I fail to understand.)

The sad thing about the site reaching
778,000 hits is that it shows the deep need for validation for victims.

It shows me that abuse, particularly non-physical abuse, is running rampant. Sociopathy and Narcissism are becoming more prevalent in our society. Women, Children & Men are suffering in silence every day for a variety of reasons -- embarrassment, lack of information, feeling alone, etc. And the Internet has opened not only avenues for predators to stalk and prey on the trusting but new pathways for victims to find healing and fellowship.

I believe in the "Bumblebee Effect." The Bumblebee Effect says that in theory - a bumblebee flapping its wings in Italy, can cause an eventual tornado in Toledo, Ohio.

I participate in hands on support of other abused women as I muddle through my own issues.

Ironically, 3/29, the date 10,000 hits was reached by, was the birthdate of my original, first abuser.  A Narcissistic parent. My history has a lot of varying types of abuse in it; abuse that I translated into my personal life - and I am determined that it will stop with me. How about you?

Again, I thank each and every one who uses Sanctuary for the Abused. I want to especially thank 
Shira, Sandra, Nani, Beth, Holly, the late Kathy Krajco, Anna Valerious and my friends who listened to me, and who understood, cried with me and helped me not demonize the computer but turn it into a tool for good.

And most of all, my therapist of 15 years, the late Dr. Kathryn Faughey - who when I showed her the site told me to "Continue!" and gave me advice, support, straight talk and compassion.

I even want to say thank you to my abusers - who forced me to look for ways keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Bless you all -
I remain your humble servant & fellow victim-survivor

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shared by Barbara at 12:21 AM 8 comments


Thursday, April 04, 2013

The Misogynist

Characteristics of a Misogynist
Misogyny (mi-soj'e-ne) n. Hatred of women; a person who hates women.
[Gk. misogunia] - mis'sog'y-nist n. - mi-sog'y-nis'tic or mi-sog'y-nous adj.

Do any of these characteristics sound familiar?

If you or someone you know has 4 or more of these, we encourage seeking help to deal with the issues that have created these characteristics. Behaviors don't come out of a vacuum, there are reasons (not excuses) for this behavior, and it can be dealt with... often by you getting out of the situation.

* A Knight In Shining Armor, "I'll save you."

* Zeros in on a woman; he chooses her.

* Extremely possessive, always wanting to know where you are; who you're with.

* Obsessively jealous, even of your women friends.

* Has first class spending habits; always wanting more.

* Can't stand criticism; always on the defense.

* Exciting, fun, charismatic.

* A product of a dysfunctional family.

* Had a poor relationship with his mother. He had an abusive or passive father.

* Has a distorted view of reality.

* Uncomfortable with feelings; contemptuous of other's weaknesses.

* Has problems with authority figures.

* If you share a secret with him it may be used against you.

* Threats of withdrawal if you don't comply, "If you really loved me, you would…"

* Makes fun of you, calls you names and inflicts little digs; hostile humor.

* You feel awkward and incompetent around him; controlled.

* Embarrasses you in public, or flatters you then cuts you down when alone.

* Is nasty behind the wheel and feels that others' mistakes are directed toward him.

* Wants or demands undivided attention; you are to be available when he wants you.

* Cruelty may be directed toward animals.

* Has a dual personality (Jekyll/ Hyde).

* Has grandiose behavior; is cocky, controlling, self-centered.

* Is preoccupied with sex and is sexually controlling.

* Is competitive; must always win; his way or no way at all.

* As a child, he enjoyed playing with fire; more than curiosity.

* Was or is involved in a violent sport. (What is he doing now?).

*Comes on too strong and/or too fast, love bombing at first.

* Believes in the traditional stereo-type role modeling and roles.

* Is an habitual liar; he twists facts to make it look as if he were the victim.

* Has extreme mood swings (extreme high to low).

* Takes no responsibility for anything; blames others/ things/ circumstances for his behavior.

* Treats you rough at times; twisting your arm, grabbing, shoving.

* Is nice to others, but treats you badly; shows no respect.

* Steals, uses people, cheats them out of their money; always borrowing, never pays back.

* Professes to be religious then attacks YOUR religious beliefs or practices.

* Gives gifts then demands favors.

* Makes jokes and puts women down in front of you then ridicules you for being upset.

* Encourages pity from others; convinces you to feel sorry for him for all he's had to endure.

*Constantly cuts down your family and friends; isolates you. You must account for your time.

* Very impatient and when he gets angry will destroy property; usually yours.

*Overly sensitive and sulks when he doesn't get his way.

* Tells you everything to do; what to do, how to do it, when to do it; what to wear

(how many of these is your significant other?)

(While this is about the male abuser, your abuser may well be FEMALE!)

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shared by Barbara at 12:22 AM 25 comments