Sanctuary for the Abused

Friday, March 24, 2017

Coversational Terrorism

These are the conversational "Zingers" many use against "truth" arguments

All of the techniques listed in this document have actually been witnessed, told to us by someone else, or dreamed up. They are described in first person for clarity of motive.

The intent of detailing and naming these insidious tactics is so that the reader may AVOID USING THEM, to quickly recognize if someone else is using them, and for fun. There is much humor in the way people (consciously or unconsciously) conversationally cheat.

It is hoped that exposing these tactics will help muzzle the growing abuse in our conversational landscape. Give copies to both perpetrators and victims (only NOT for profit use).

The examples are overblown in an attempt to be both clear and funny. Use your imagination to think of how you (perish the thought) and others have used these techniques in the past.

They have been grouped by major category, with the best (worst!) saved for last.

First, we have the Ad Hominem Variants where you attack the person as a way to avoid truth, science, or logic which might otherwise prove you wrong. Next are the Sleight of Mind Fallacies , which act as "mental magic" to make sure the unwanted subject disappears. Then, we move on to Delay Tactics, which are subtle means to buy time when put on the spot. Then, the ever popular Question as Opportunity ploys, where any question can be deftly averted. Finally, we have the Cheap Shot Tactics and Irritants , which are basically "below the belt" punches.

Ad Hominem Variants

I'd like to respond to that, but taking into account your background, education, and intelligence, I am quite sure that you would not be able to understand."

My next point will be so cogent that even you will be able to understand it."

Even you should be able to grasp the next point."

I used to think that way when I was your age."

As you mature emotionally (or mentally, or spiritually), you will grow out of your present way of thinking, and you will eventually come around to my point of view."

You're new here, aren't you?"

Instead of proving a point true or false, this technique tries to imply that the individual's desires have led him/her astray without dealing with the merits of the issue itself. (C.S. Lewis termed this "Bulverism".) Any strong desire can be shown to have tainted a conclusion or clouded objectivity, which casts doubt on the legitimacy of a point. This is very close to the classic ad hominem fallacy: "you say that because you are a man."

You support capital punishment because of a deep-rooted death wish common among those who have suffered emotional traumas during childhood."

You oppose capital punishment because of an irrational suppressed death taboo common among those who have suffered emotional trauma during childhood."

You weren't breast fed as a child, were you?"

Sleight of Mind Fallacies
Instead of dealing with a comment or question directly, the idea here is to focus on some insignificant detail to evade the issue or buy time to think.

We need to define just exactly what you mean by _________."

Your last sentence ended with a preposition. Please restate it properly."

A twisted version of NIT-PICKING, the technique here is to purposely misunderstand some word, phrase, or analogy and shift the focus to it instead of the subject. This ploy will derail the other person into a defense of the word, phrase, or analogy instead of the case at hand.

You said 'feel' instead of 'think'. If you are feeling instead of thinking, I won't be able to convince you with reason."

You said this happened five years before Hitler came to power. Why are you so fascinated with Hitler? Are you anti-Semitic?"

This is a marvelous way to come off as nice while saying things that would otherwise be considered rude.

Have I ever brought up the $523.52 you owe me? Never! Have I ever embarrassed you or made you feel bad over it? Have I ever told you how much I need that money? No, I never have."

I don't care if other people say you're opinionated (or boring or overbearing, or etc.)"

I don't want to spend a lot of time on this, but (blah, blah, blah...)."

My dear congregation, I hate to speak of money matters, but (money, money, money, etc.)."
The intent here is to throw the other person's competence in doubt while at the same time changing the subject. A question is asked that the other person is not likely to know the answer to, destroying their credibility and confidence. To really rub it in, the questioner can give a full answer to his/her own question proving that him/herself to have superior knowledge of the subject.

You mentioned the constitution. Can you quote the preamble for us?"

Do you realize which of the dialectic principles you've just violated?" [ "No."] "I'd be glad to explain them to you, but (branch to OVER YOUR HEAD)."
I have observed that those who disagree with me on the next point tend to be unsophisticated, and those who quickly recognize the validity of the point to be more educated. The point is...."

Of course there is a lot of debate on this subject, but the best scholars believe..."

This technique requires prior knowledge of some embarrassing mistake or painful event in the other person's life. This knowledge can be woven into a comment in a way that agitates the other person without direct reference. A key word or phrase is tossed out like a grenade that embarrasses or humiliates the other person.

What was it your ex-wife used to say?"

Didn't we already have this argument just before you went through the de-tox program?"

This technique asks an obvious question and, by playing on a sense of guilt, demands a predetermined response driven by common sense or decency. The yes or no response is then implied to mean a complete agreement with the asker's point of view.

Family get-together:  
"Doesn't your family mean anything to you?" ["Well, yes!"] "Then I will see you at 10 am."

Support a political movement: "Do you want communism in America? Is that what you want?"

Join a Health Spa: "Don't you care about your own body?"
A rhetorical ploy to give more emotional force to a point or objection than is appropriate. This requires showmanship and involves risk, but when it works it can be quite effective. It is useful to use exaggerated facial expressions and/or pound on any nearby objects to effectively communicate the overreaction.

How DARE you question such an obvious point?"

Honestly! You can't REALLY expect me to believe that?"

A person will likely be off center of the ANALYTICAL/EMOTIVE SPECTRUM (an alternate name for this technique) in any heated exchange. By pointing out which side the other person is on, (either side will do) he/she is obliged to defend his/her temperament instead of the case at hand.

Your cold, analytical approach to this issue doesn't take into account the human element."

Your emotional involvement with this issue obscures your ability to see things objectively."

If a person is making an imaginative or novel point, the approach here is to push the idea to a radical extreme generally agreed to be bad. The extreme can be either real or imagined. The hope here is that the other person will reflexively back off and retreat to a defensive position, thus short-circuiting the progression of the argument.

So you think we ought to just throw out the whole system, then?"

How is that different from classic fascism?"

So you would just like to kill off anyone who disagrees with you, it appears!"

If you can see where the other person's logic is leading, you can make it very difficult along the way by arguing each minute sub-point and example. If the other person can not get past the first point, how will a case ever be made? Most of the techniques listed can be used to achieve this end.

I don't think we can go on until we establish the scientific validity of that last statement."

I don't see any point in discussing this until all the data are in."

This is the opposite of the CUT 'EM OFF AT THE PASS technique. Instead of arguing along the way, agree with all of the sub-points but deny the obvious conclusion. This is very frustrating to the other person because it automatically changes the subject to epistemology (how we know what we know). Generally, the other person will attempt another explanation rather than get into a heavy epistemological discussion, and the technique can simply be repeated.

I don't see how you figure that."

I agree with everything you said except the conclusion. It doesn't make any sense to me, and I can not accept it. I am trying, but your brain must work much differently than mine."

Delay Tactics
If, when put on the spot to answer a question or point, you come up blank, then delay tactics can buy time to dream up a response. These tactics are risky, because if you are not able to think of anything clever during the time you buy, you will be pinned even further.

Give descriptive attributes of the eventual answer, then pause as if expecting a response, while thinking of a real answer. When this technique is repeated the other person will appear to be begging you to give an answer.

I think the answer to your last question will clear up your confusion on this subject. (Long pause) Are you ready?"

Excellent question, and I think the answer will startle you." (Pause, look thoughtfully as if a response is due while thinking up an answer.)

I'm glad you asked. Would you like a long or a short answer?"

Same as above, only here the diversionary shift of focus is on the question.

This question could only come from the confusion of the ______ mind-set."

That is an interesting question coming from you. Interesting, interesting, interesting."
(Pause, as if admiring the other person. )

The question asked, is basically _______, ________, _______." (Restate the questions in various ways, pausing for approval between each, while thinking up an answer.)

A great lead-in for the technique of WISHFUL THINKING, or a method of delay giving yourself time to think of an answer.

Why do you ask that?" / "What makes you ask that?"

What drives you to make such a statement?"
A complex statement that paralyzes the brain.

What you inferred is not what you implied."

Your problem is that you are thinking in a linear versus configurational framework."

I'm not sure if I fail to disagree with that or not."

This is a recipe for sophisticated babbling. Ingredients include: philosophic sounding words and sentence structure, unintelligible Latin terms, banal folk wisdom, jargon, catch phrases, truisms, etc. Sprinkle lightly with a few words that appear to pertain to the subject. This will sound very impressive without really saying anything and will buy time to think of something meaty to say while your lips are flapping. In some circles such machinations can actually be passed off as an answer--or a point!

In view of the federal budget deficit, civil unrest, and international politics, we need to consider that, notwithstanding the mitigating circumstances, this country has got to get back on its feet. Don't you agree?"

Echo the question back or ask the other person a similar or difficult question. (This can be a valid technique if not used merely as a delay tactic.)

What do you think the answer to your question is?"

How 'bout if I ask you a similar question?"

With a sparkle in your eye, start into a long-winded story which presumes to apply to the subject at hand. Continue until the other person calls your bluff, then act insulted and claim that you are not getting equal time or a fair chance to explain you case. Then, thoroughly offended, drop the cover story and start with the real answer (whatever it was you were able to think of while you were babbling).

This reminds me of the time I was in Cucamonga. Let me tell you, it was hot! (Time to think up real answer during dramatic pauses) And we were in a small hotel when a gas leak started. Well! You can imagine how we...."

To give an obvious, over-literal, useless, or pun response to delay with humor.

["What is your first point?"] "My first point is point #1."

[How do you explain the difference between salaries of men and women in this company who are perfoming the exact same jobs?] "I'm not sure, but I think it has something to do with gender."

Question As Opportunity
A standard response for politicians is to view any question as an opportunity to say whatever they want. The "answer" does not have to have anything to do with the "question" asked. This practice has all but killed the utility of debate and dialog in politics and, unhappily, it is spreading to other areas of life as well. Following are some inconspicuous techniques that allow a deft shift from the question subject to the desired subject.

Deny that the issue is limited to the question at hand. Redefine the issue to your favorite topic.

It is not a question of (this) or (that), but rather it is an issue of (whatever it is you want to say.)"

["Are you for or against capital punishment?"] "I don't think the issue is being for or against capital punishment. The real issue facing our country is the federal budget deficit. I propose that we.... "

Acknowledges the issue and quickly changes to a new subject.

X is certainly one topic that could be discussed, but Y is another..."

Well, my track record is certainly one issue, but this month's agenda is another. Do you know that in the next five days...."

Cheap Shot Tactics and Irritants
Take this example: suppose you were a person who was incredibly stupid but was trying to come off as intelligent. What would the proper response be if you were me?"

Let's just say that we knew for sure that you were a sexual pervert...."

Why, that is a brilliant question coming from you!"

You're looking less repulsive than usual today."

Who would have thought you had it in you?"

Active listening is where you parrot back what the other person is saying in order to draw them out and to keep them talking. DISTORTED ACTIVE LISTENING parrots back what the other person is saying, but gets it all wrong or makes it sound incredibly stupid. Similar to LUNATIC FRINGE.

If I hear you correctly, your point is... (get it all wrong)."

It sounds as if you are saying that torturing children is a good idea...."
To the feebleminded, if there is a NAME used as a label for IT, then it must be wrong, even if it isn't. The NAME, now a "proof" of sorts, can be used as a sledgehammer if IT comes up again.

The case you just made was first made by Edgar Sullivan in the late 1800s and was quickly disproved. The 'Sullivan Error' inevitably occurs to people when they first start studying the subject."

Your line of reasoning is called the MacGregor Phenomenon."

Why, that's Calvinism!"

A clever and socially acceptable way of denying what someone has said by claiming to know more about what the other person thinks or feels than they do. Believe it or not, this technique is quite commonplace and effective.

That's a cruel thing to say, and I know you don't mean it."

You've made that point well, but ... (1) I know where your heart is; (2) I sense that you're not comfortable with what you're saying; (3) I know what kind of person you are deep down ... and that you cannot continue to hold this position and maintain your integrity."

Johnny, the reason I can't give you permission to go to the party is because I know that deep in your heart you'd rather spend the time here with me."
 To bring up a past event and GET IT ALL WRONG, or even to make up a past event. The intent is to get the other person confused, angry, and defensive.

You never admit defeat. Remember that chess game I beat you in?" (The one you lost.)

But last week (or a minute ago) you said the opposite! Make up your mind!"

Remember last time we had an argument, and you turned out to be wrong and wouldn't admit it? Now we're in the same spot we were last time."

When all else is lost, refer to a phony study that supports your case. This is a bet that the other person will not call your bluff. Does he/she know for certain the study didn't happen? The usual response is "I have not seen or heard of this study", further discrediting the other person as not doing comprehensive study of available source material.

Research at UCLA has proven conclusively...."

I know the idea sounds unorthodox, but a recent study at Harvard has substantiated this view."

The repeated use of an assertion, truism, bad joke, or even physical gesture when used to the point of extreme irritation.

The customer comes first!" ["But what about our profit?"] "The customer comes first! ["But they don't have any money!"] "The customer... (etc.)."

["What do you think?"] "It's crazy." (wave arms while stating) ["What is that supposed to mean?"] (wave arms wildly) ["Huh?"] (repeat as necessary)

I would like to answer your question directly, but considering your past reactions / ability to cope with the truth / emotional instability, I feel that to do so would be a disservice to you at this time." [Other person gets (justifiably) upset.] "See, what did I tell you. You are flying off the handle already!"

After using any of the previous ploys, point out any physical manifestations of the other person's irritation as further proof that they are wrong.

You seem to be sweating a lot. Of course, I would be too if I had to try to support your flimsy position."

Why look, your lips are quivering. You have a hard time admitting defeat, don't you?"

Use an actual, fabricated, or hypothetical statement from some universally credible source.

What would your father say if he could hear you now?"

As it says in the Bible: 'God helps those who help themselves'."

If Albert Einstein were here I think he would agree with me. Didn't he once say 'If an idea does not at first seem absurd, it is probably incorrect'?"

FAST ANSWER:The technique here is to answer so quickly or in such detail that no one could ever doubt the response.

["Do you really think that anyone else agrees with this crazy idea?"] "52.359% of Americans surveyed agreed."

If proven wrong or corrected in any way that you do not like, revenge is the answer here. This can be accomplished by throwing a fit, glowering at the person with a death stare, complete withdrawal or pregnant silence, or some other form of dramatic emotional blackmail as manipulation. The idea is to train people not to correct you in the future by making them pay dearly for correcting you now. Also known as the THAT WILL TEACH YOU technique and/or THE ESCALATION PLOY.

If you're going to be that way about it, then...."

You don't love me (sob!)."

A specific escalation of YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT; make it seem as if the other person is attacking you rather than making a simple point or correction, especially if you suspect that the other party is correct. Rather than staying on the subject, begin to act hurt--as if you have been viciously attacked as a human being--rather than admit you are wrong, or could do better, etc.

I can't do anything right..."

I suppose in your eyes I am just a total failure."

["I think the reason people are honking and gesticulating at you is that the sign says MERGE, not STOP."] "Well, if you think me such a terrible, horrible person...."

Pretend that the reason the other person isn't able to agree with you is that they are not listening, or at least not hard enough.

If you'd just listen you'd have heard me the first time when I said that...."

Since you obviously weren't listening when I said this before, I'm forced to repeat myself."
To take an extraordinary amount of time or go to great technical depth to wear out the other person and get time on your side. The other person is pushed to give up and agree with you rather than endure the torture of hearing you go through another sincere, long-winded answer.

Since you are a true intellectual, I will have to give you a more comprehensive answer than most... Blah, Blah, Blah... (use WORD SALAD technique).

Now that I have answered your point, do you have any other concerns?"
(Repeat until the other person collapses or gives in.)

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Thursday, March 23, 2017

Most Psychopaths Aren't Killers - You Can't Always Tell

don juan Pictures, Images and Photos

by Gordon Banks

Scientific study of the psychopath is hindered by the fact that the subjects recognize no defect in their own psyche, no need to change.

We mainly know them through the those captive populations who have had difficulty with the law and are institutionalized. Those who are "successful," can only be studied at a distance. While some psychopaths undoubtedly correspond to the popular view of the brutal killer, criminal, or rapist, many, if not most, do not.

Often they are referred to by the term sociopathy or antisocial personality, emphasizing the chaotic relationships with other people and society, but while this aspect of these personalities is most readily apparent, there are many other features of this character disorder having nothing to do with other people which also show considerable deviation from normal behavior. For this reason, I prefer the older term psychopath.

In recent years, there has been a growing realization that there are many psychopaths who successfully avoid trouble with the law, and estimates of the percentage of psychopaths in the population (formerly estimated at about 3%, based only on studies of prisoners) have been revised upward.

As is common in medicine, and especially in psychiatry, where there is often no "litmus" test which can be applied, diagnosis is a matter of nosology and categorization. This is bound to lead to disagreements between various authorities as to which manifestations warrant inclusion or exclusion of an individual from a given diagnosis. Naturally, this has led to various schools of thought on the subject of psychopathy.

Historical Overview
The 19th century physicians recognized that there were some walking among other men who were of sound reason and intellect, but when it came to the moral realm were "deranged". They described individuals who had no sense of right and wrong, no feelings of guilt or shame for wrongdoing, and had a marked propensity to lie, cheat, and engage in other activities which normal society considered reprehensible. (First labelled "moral insanity") During the last 40 years, psychopaths have been more intensively studied and recent research seems to indicate that they actually represent a variant of human beings with abnormal brain function.

Clinical Features

While the psychopath often recognizes that other people have a "conscience", and will feign remorse to avoid punishment, as Cleckley explains, "he shows almost no sense of shame. His career is always full of exploits, any one of which would wither even the more callous representatives of the ordinary man. Yet he does not, despite his able protestations, show the slightest evidence of major humiliation or regret. This is true of matters pertaining to his personal and selfish pride and to esthetic standards that he avows as well as to moral or humanitarian matters."[7]

Lack of insight and judgment
It is in this realm that the psychopath comes closest to the psychotic. While seemingly in full possession of his reasoning ability, by all the means of clinical psychology to test and assess them, the psychopath demonstrates an inability to comprehend the meaning and significance of his behavior for other people, and to judge their probable reactions to his behavior. He is often astounded to find that people are upset by his exploits. Although he knows intellectually what punishment is decreed for certain crimes, when caught, he puts up elaborate rationalizations and defenses, and seems surprised when he is actually punished.

...a lack of guilt and remorse, but a semantic lack of understanding of the concept of authenticity. Psychopaths can be thought of not as being hypocrites, but as actually not understanding or using language in the same way other people do.

While the psychopath has likes and dislikes and fondness for the pleasures that human company can bring, analysis shows that he is completely egocentric, valuing others only for their enhancement of his own pleasure or status. While he gives no real love, he is quite capable of inspiring love of sometimes fanatical degree in others. He is generally superficially charming and often makes a striking impression as possessed of the noblest of human qualities.

He makes friends easily, and is very manipulative, using his ability with words to talk his way out of trouble. Many psychopaths love to be admired and bask in the adulation of others. With the lack of love, there is also a lack of empathy. The psychopath is unable to feel sorry for others in unfortunate situations or put himself in another's place, whether or not they have been harmed by him.

Inability to Form Meaningful Relationships
While psychopaths are notably sexually promiscuous, their inability to love or to show any but the most superficial kindness to others prevents them from forming meaningful relationships with others, including parents and spouses. The promiscuity seems more related to their lack of restraint than to an exaggerated sexual drive. Bizarre and indecent liaisons are common.

The psychopath is remarkably free of both the psychological and physiological manifestations of anxiety[9]. They often pass lie detector tests, and are well known for their valor in war, risking their own lives, and often recklessly endangering their entire units and disobeying orders in the process. It is said that the decision often comes whether to award a man the Medal of Honor or to court-martial him, and the "Rambo" stories of former war heros in trouble with the law have basis in real life.

The famous psychopath, Aaron Burr, directly disobeyed the orders of his superior in winning a battle and fame during the American revolution.[10] It is this "bravery" that often helps the psychopath win the affection of followers and accord him a respected place in society, which is later disillusioned by his subsequent exploits.

Another aspect of the fearlessness, is the obliviousness of the psychopath to punishment. Not only does the threat of future punishment have no power to deter him, but actual punishment does not reform him.

Irresponsibility, Insincerity, and Unreliability
While the psychopath is charming and makes friends easily, those who come to rely upon him soon painfully find out that he has no sense of responsibility. Continually promises are made and broken without regard for the gravity of the consequences, for which the psychopath will then deny responsibility.

He can solemnly lie while looking the victim in the eye, showing no anxiety whatever.

The inability to restrain his impulses is what often leads to the downfall of the psychopath. While he theoretically knows what is considered proper behavior, and can even provide sage advice, it is in carrying out the actual process of living that the psychopath runs into trouble. There is a tendency toward continual excitement and stimulation.

It is this obliviousness to the consequences of risk taking that often leads to the uncovering of a "successful" psychopath who was previously well ensconced as a doctor, lawyer, teacher, politician, or some other respected person in the community.


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Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents (ACONS)

Is Love Enough?
When lay people and professionals alike talk about dysfunctional families, often the question arises: Did the mother love the children? Or, did the father love the children?

Parental love is a very complicated emotion. If a parent compulsively looks after their children's health, insisting they eat only organic food, and natural vitamins, is this a form of love? How about if a parent makes a child come home after school and forbids any socializing until the studies are completed to her satisfaction--because this way the child will get into Harvard. Is this love? If the parent is looking after the child's best interests, then arguably their actions reflect love. But where is the line drawn? Some parents say to their children:
"Everything I did, I did for you--fed you, clothed you, put a roof over your head--all of it for you."
While probably an exaggeration, there is still a bit of truth here. Was there love? Probably. One can usually find a kernel of love towards their children in even the most narcissistic of parents. "I love you because you reflect well on me" is still love, however sullied. (One might argue that love in the service of selfish needs is not really love--but the line between selfish and unselfish love is a fuzzy one indeed.) Furthermore, the tears a narcissistic parent sheds when their child dies are absolutely real.

Simply put, love is too complicated an emotion to be of much use in distinguishing narcissistic and healthy parents. In my experience, if you ask adult children of narcissistic parents whether they were loved, many if not most will say "yes, in a controlling, self-centered way" even after they've completed therapy. Another variable, however, is far more telling. The critical questions are: "Did my parent respect and value what I said, see myself as independent from them in a positive way, and feel that my thoughts and feelings were as important as theirs." In other words, did my parent allow me "voice?" No adult child of a narcissistic parent can answer these questions in the affirmative.

These questions define the critical injury to adult children with narcissistic parents. Interestingly, many such people have no problem finding "love." But deep affection does not satisfy them unless accompanied by the granting of "voice" by a powerful person. As a result, adult children of narcissistic parents often go from bad relationship to bad relationship in search of "voice."

For parents, the implications are clear. Love is not enough. Client after client has taught me this unequivocal lesson:
If you want to raise emotionally healthy children, you must give them the gift of "voice."



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Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Charmer/ Abusers and their 'Prey'

wolf in sheeps clothing Pictures, Images and Photos

Obviously, we want to know how we ever get caught up in a spiderweb in the first place. If we were conscious of what we were doing, we would not be doing it. Or at least, a great number of us would not be doing it. This personality that I refer to as Charmer/Abuser.

You need to view a
charmer/abuser as someone who probably does not have the same values as you at all. They are a chameleon because it serves their purpose. They quickly "put on" whatever "you are" and "need" in order to use you for whatever they need from you. They are, indeed, a great sales person. The kind that "does not" repel you in the beginning, but instead, almost magically draws you closer and closer and closer very quickly. How do they gain entrance into your life? Read the following and take the time to look back over your life. There is opportunity here for life changes.

charmer/abuser looks for victims with the following characteristics (just one will do):
They listen intently to you, as you, voluntarily tell them your innermost thoughts, secrets, deep hurts and dreams. They quickly assimilate from this what kind of camouflage to weave "for you". You basically tell them what to become, in order that they might hide who they really are from you... while erecting the man of your dreams right before your eyes. While they may not come over completely to your way of thinking about everything, they will agree with you on certain things that are very important to you. For example, if you have been abused in your life, they will assume the position of "protector" and will be a great empathizer regarding your pain, at least in the beginning...

They look for the "red flashing lights" and become a ready-made ally for you in some way. If you are a single mother, he might all "too quickly" become super-man, because he knows how vulnerable you are in this respect.

They quickly want to become physical with you because once that happens, you instantly have a cloud over your eyes.
Charmer/abuser's know this about women, especially wounded women and they use it to their utmost advantage. If the sex is good, they assume you will follow them anywhere. Charmer/abuser's know that touch and physical gratification in the sexual realm is like a drug for you. It's almost like heroin for some women who have been sexually abused. It tells a woman, in an instant "microwave push-button" sort of way that they are wanted, worthy and valuable. Of course, this is so very far from the truth. But, it works. It works very well. And Charmer/abuser's know that whatever radar you did have going on will now be majorly disconnected. Kind of like the burglar who snips all the wires to the phone and the electricity before entering the home to steal the valuables.

He listens to what you tell him about how people have controlled or manipulated you in the past and he uses the same weapons, but may employ different maneuvers so you don't recognize it. For example, you say that you could not stand it when your last boyfriend was jealous of you all the time. He then never berates you like the other boyfriend did by always flying off the handle, but might take a more quiet and passive route of doing it. He may just drop little hints constantly, but in such a way that you can't really call him on. It just becomes the continual dripping faucet in your life.

He's always calling you when you're supposed to be home for no apparent reason, or calling you right when you are to be home, or later that night he shows up with a convincing reason, but really might be more along the lines of are you really alone? But, it's just really hard to nail him on his jealousy because he isn't really blatant about it in your book. This is "blatant", but "you don't recognize it as that". This is the important thing to see here. He will take advantage of your "cloudiness" here and will disguise it as him just caring about you in some way. And you will hesitate time and time again to really call it for what it is.

's will capitalize on your need to be needed in their life. And you are needed by them. Otherwise, they would not be reeling you in. They know that you are going to equate your worth, as a woman, based on how much you can do for them and be "needed" by them. And... they do need you, for something (sex, money, fun, a place to live...). So, consequently, in their mind it's a fair trade. You need to be needed and they need something from you.

Do not kid yourself into believing this is going to be a fair trade. They stroke your ego and your emotional side for awhile and they drain from you whatever they want. There is no need for them to have a conscience about this, because it's like any other sales contract. If you don't read the fine print, (which is what this writing is about) it's "buyer beware" and tough luck. A deal's a deal.

You can project your own interpretation on it all you want. In fact, they want you to. They are counting on that. But... your projection, regardless of how much you believe it... doesn't ever make it fact. You buy the illusion, and they make a sale!

Now which is it that is really more important here? Is it the need for you to get something of worth, or is it more important for you to be lied to because it feels familiar to you? Do you have an intense need to be sold to? If so, then who was the person in your past that you loved and yet they lied to you by what they said and how they treated you? Little girls believe very easily - when they are looking up to a very important man in their lives. They are larger than life and you are not able to look at them realistically using a child's mind. If they betrayed you, abandoned you, rejected you, or assaulted you in any way you are apt to make excuses for them because you need them in your life in some way.

A grown-up version of this will allow themselves to become prey to a charmer/abuser and you constantly second-guess your own thoughts and feelings and will make endless excuses for this man. You will just automatically think and feel with your little girl mind in this scenario of having a man in your life. Whereas in other areas of your life you may be very mature, grown-up and responsible.

You will not always do this if you will allow yourself to learn why you do what you do and how to gradually prevent it. It took time to lay down the foundation of what is unhealthy in your life. It will take time to rip it up and replace it with what is good and constructive. Again, time is your friend.

Charmer/Abuser's need for you to quickly put them into your inner circle whereby you consider them to be of like-minds with you, a kindred spirit, soul-mate sort of thing. When that happens - you basically dismiss a lot of red flags because you have completely validated them as being like you in some majorly important ways. This are usually sensitive issues. Where you "really live" kind of issues. Therefore, you cannot possibly suspect them of a lot of things. It would be like putting yourself on trial!

Think about this one very hard. It is one of the worst "snags" that will hook you and take a great deal from you when the hook is ultimately withdrawn. They find that platform where you have your deepest hurts and strongest opinions and they become your ally, your cheerleader, your confidant, your defender, etc., etc. And "poof" you're sucked in hook, line and sinker.

Oftentimes, the very people who have wounded you the worst, are the very same kind of people that can empathize with you the best. And why wouldn't they? A predator knows his victims very well. They study them. They have to, in order to trap them. That's why I write things like this. We need to "study them" as well. It's called - playing "offense" instead of "defense". Learning to be savvy - will work on our part. Rest very assured - they will do "their homework" regarding "you". Be willing to be as quick to forgive yourself when it comes to making a mistake of character as you are quick to forgive them over and over and over again.

Charmer/Abuser's do NOT respect you as as a person at all... BUT... they will go to great lengths to convince you that they do.
They will quickly put you up on a high pedestal, where they supposedly worship at your feet. No one in the world is more beautiful or more important in their lives. You are the bomb! Just remember here that I use the word "quickly" a lot. Someone genuinely thinking you're wonderful and all that isn't necessarily bad. But, it is highly suspicious when it happens very, very quickly. Sure, in some rare case, you could just click if you meet the right person. But, I warn you about making this your basis for all your relationships. You are a sitting duck.

Genuine feelings that really matter in the long run take time and THEY don't have time. They have to do everything quickly. They want what they want and they want it NOW. So, hurry up and "get charmed", so this ball game can get underway! That's the way they want it!

They are counting on your need to get instantly stroked all the way around as their "in". This is your blind side and they go right for it. "Make her feel like a princess early on and she will eat out of your hand." They will educate you on how women in their past have not met the mark with them. How they have failed them in some respect. It's called - giving you a challenge you cannot resist as a woman. Especially, if you are a woman who sees her worth being linked to how much she is needed by a man.

They are basically saying to you "here, see what you can do. Prove to me, that you are worthy and prove to me that you can be better than all these other women. Do the impossible! I'm waiting..." And that's just what an abuse victim loves to hear... and
Charmer/Abusers know this. Abused women - are very used to being superhuman and performing the impossible and having to work for every sliver of love and attention they get. So, this challenge is more like alcohol being sat in front of an alcoholic.
Charmer/Abusers hit you hard and heavy. They call you a lot, they want to be with you a lot. They will not respect your need for personal space, but will disguise with - just have to be with you because I can't get you out of my mind. They will usually talk to a lot about how wonderful they are, especially in the areas of "what you need them to be". It will be tailor made, just for you. They will dazzle you with their dance and try to effectively shut down all your protective barriers. They will also want to pull you away from your friends, family and children. They need to be tuned into just them, if they are going to effectively charm you in a small amount of time.

Like any teacher in any classroom they have to have your undivided attention in order to "teach you" what they want you to learn. So, they don't want you comparing notes with anyone else or getting someone else's read on them. Someone who isn't blind to them will see them for what they are and tell you. They want to get you in that "cloudy zone" as soon as possible where you are wrapped up with them physically and are providing them with what they need so you feel very validated and valued.

They know that once you get effectively hooked in this regard you will vehemently fight off anyone, including your own flesh and blood in order to keep this realm of "importance" that you've got going on here. They count on you to do just that. They load the gun for you and "you" pick it up and use it. That way their hands are clean. You did their dirty work for them. You end up driving away the very people that could help you the most said all that to say this...

Time is your friend, use it wisely. If there is one thing that is going to serve you well in the arena of protection it is to hesitate, step back, go more slowly than you usually do. Read this often and "think" about what is going on - while it is going on.

If you see at anytime this is happening - you do not owe anyone a thick book on how or why you came to your conclusion to back off and cut it off.
Charmer/Abusers are absolutely great at convincing you that you owe them "a good reason. And they choose if the 'reason' is good enough. As if, they are some powerfully important figure in your life. If they are doing this to you, they are obviously NOT important to you and should not be have that title as you are leaving the relationship.

I don't know how many times I see this and it is the killer snag that eventually pulls them back into the web. And I've seen women who are almost all the way out and have put many steps into walking away. But, the quick snap of this rubber band is profound. We say we are walking away, but they interpret this to mean we want to be talked back into it.
Charmer/Abusers are spoiled brats. They respect nothing and no one.

They count on you not being able to forgive yourself - for making a completely wrong assessment of who they were or who you thought they were. That is one of their best and most dangerous weapons against you. If you are so proud that you cannot be humble enough to say - I made a mistake and walk away from it - they will have you for dinner a second time around, and a third and a fourth time....until....."they don't need you".... anymore.

It's high time you learn how to live offensively and be in control of your own life. It's called Learning to live Pro-active for your own well-being. A predator is completely turned off by anyone that lets time be their friend. So, if you want to know who a person is that you may be suspect of just hold them at arm's length for awhile. Make them wait for everything.

The person who is genuinely interested in you won't push. And they won't try and dazzle you in any way. They will... wait. If they don't do this and you jump... you are in for a ride. Just know it up front and put on your seat belt.

Just always look at what you are doing and if you find it really hard to stop engaging long enough to be rational just remember that if this person has become a larger than life dominant factor in your life... they are not this godlike image of what your father or ex was or should have been. They are what they are and you have a good enough mind to call it what it is. A lie.

Please give yourself permission to see it just like it is with your adult mind, not your little girl mind. Super heroes are fairy tales. Real villians can do much damage while wearing superman's cape. In fact they can get away with anything and everything. Do not give them that power. Take your power back.

What is real and true and good for you will come by way of... you believing you have the right to choose and not be chosen.

Why? Because we still talk to them. We get caught up in telling them why and why not and how and when, etc., etc. They put US on trial for what they did! We feel like we owe them all this. Whether we like it or not, we are giving great power to someone who does not consider our best interests at all.
A person who respects you might ask for clarification to a degree, just so they understand you and then that's it. They have enough self-respect for themselves and for you to listen to what you said and think you meant it.

By your continuing need to engage with them tells them you don't mean a word you say when it comes to boundaries. It means nothing to them now. You may have barked at them, but that's about it. You're back in the ring trying to validate your assessment of things with the very person that did it to you in the first place.

So, you are putty in their hands simply because you walked back out onto the dance floor. Whatever respect you imagined them to have for you is now completely and absolutely gone. You are definitely "prey" to them now. And they toy with you at will, because you have given them that power over you.

They are putting a lot of trust in the fact that you do not trust your own judgement. If you need to constantly talk to them about why you thought this or that or got hurt about whatever they instantly know that you don't trust yourself. A confident woman would just call it and that would be the end of it. Some discussion would be allowed, but she would trust her own mind and her own feelings and would not feel compelled to get it validated from the direction those hurts came from in the first place.

That you would want validation from the very person that hurt you, that affirms you made a sound judgement? Hmmm... so, are we going to get that validation from this person? I would venture to say the odds of that happening are greatly stacked against you.

But, this goes back to why you look like such easy prey to them. So, if he has assumed the position and you have put a lot of trust in him early on - you are going to treat him like a father would be treated.

You will give him this respect and position of power and authority over you - because that is what your little girl that you used to be would do regarding the man in her life back then. And since you put this man in that super powerful position the hardest person in the world to convince that a mistake has been made is you, the victim. After all, they have "first chair" with us. We have to work it out, make it fit, or change it somehow.

What I want to know is how can someone who has known you for such a short time have enough clout and importance in your life to be allowed the right to speak louder and with more authority over the person who knows you best? And that person is you!

Charmer/Abusers will storm your gates in the beginning and in the end. They will initially storm your gates with quick flattery, comradery, and what looks like empathy. In the end they will storm your gates with insults, total disrespect and will look like someone you do not know at all. Because actually you don't. You only knew the facade, the lure.

They will hit your gates hard and heavy with whatever works - when you decide to walk away. If trying to get you to give them a computer printout on how you arrived at your conclusion and talking it to death doesn't work then they will storm your gates and bust every boundary as quickly as you can erect it

However, if they are not getting what they want they will hit you hard, but not forever. There are more fish in the sea. So, do not move your boundaries one inch. Say what you mean and mean what you say - consistently and absolutely and you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why.

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shared by Barbara at 12:38 AM 38 comments


Monday, March 20, 2017

Compulsive Liars

Compulsive Liars often feel the need to lie about almost anything. They often lie about little things such as what they ate for lunch and they also lie about big important things. When compulsive liars lie it becomes a very bad habit. It is very difficult to break and it almost feels like that they can not stop lying due to it being almost automatic. It almost becomes so automatic within themselves that lying becomes a part of them. They often can lie and sound very convincing.

People who are compulsive liars often lie so much that it is almost like a script. Once an individual memorizes a series of scripts that are lies then they can say the scripts sounding very convincing to other individuals. At times there is flaws in the individual stories that they lie about or other lies that they tell. Compulsive liars often have big stories in order to cover up a certain area of their past which the person is afraid to let other people know. They are often afraid of being judged. Compulsive liars often have extreme self esteem issues and often lie to portray themselves as someone else that they aren't really.

Compulsive liars may stop lying and come clean about the truth when they are caught. The lies that compulsive liars do tell will eventually catch up to them. People around them will begin to notice gaps in their stories and the other lies that they tell people. Compulsive liars can only be so convincing only so long until someone notices that it is mostly lies. Compulsive liars will often tell another story full of lies if they don't want the truth to be known when they are caught in other lies.

One thing to remember about compulsive liars is you often can not tell the difference between a truth and lie. After so many stories have been told and so many lies that have been told then it is difficult to people around them to figure out exactly which is false and which is true.
People can not always tell lies about everything about themselves since it is impossible to hide everything about themselves completely. Compulsive liars can not always lie about everything little thing about themselves or other things.

Compulsive liars often lie to the family and friends. Compulsive liars will also lie to the person that they love romantically. Be careful with some compulsive liars since some of them don't have any guilt about the lies. Some of them never come clean about the truth unless they reach a point of where they want to stop lying.

How does a compulsive liar stop?
A compulsive liar has to make the decision to stop lying. A person won't stop lying unless he or she wants to do so. A compulsive liar can't begin to stop lying until he or she decides to start to tell the truth about everything in the past and present and future. Or just selective truth. Someone who is a compulsive liar will sometimes fall back into the mode of lying again. Compulsive lying is much deeper than just self esteem issues.

Michelle Knudson is a Freelance Writer. She's happily married and resides in the USA. She loves making a positive difference in the lives of people. She enjoys reading, writing, her gold fish, and computers.

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Sunday, March 19, 2017


Men aren't the only stalkers

By: C.F. Jackson

For decades, the label "stalker" has been tattooed as a gender-specific crime, committed by men. Things have changed drastically. Twelve to 13-percent of all stalkers are female. Although less in statistical number than males, female stalkers are just as predatory and dangerous.

Stalking, for the most part, is about relationships - prior, desired, or imagined. Sixty-percent of stalkers have a personal relationship with their victims before the stalking begins. However, 22% of stalking cases involve complete strangers.

Researchers and psychologists identify three categories of stalking:

·Simple Obsession Stalking - 60% of stalking cases are represented in this category, which includes all previous personal relationships (i.e., husbands/wives,boyfriends/girlfriends, domestic partners). This category is best defined as, “If I can’t have you, nobody will.”

·Love Obsession Stalking - The make-up of this category involves a stalker and victim who are casual acquaintances or complete strangers. The goal of the stalker is to establish a personal relationship with the object of his or her obsession - in disregard to the victim’s desires.

·Erotomania Stalking - This category consists of deluded individuals who believe a relationship already exists between themselves and their victim.

A recent case of female stalking involved actor Michael Douglas and his wife Catherine Zeta-Jones as the victims. "When women engage in stalking behavior, they are as tenacious and as intrusive as their male counterparts, and are just as likely to threaten or damage property," said Dr. Rosemary Purcell, in the 2003 article "Female stalkers pursue doctors, psychiatrists."

The FBI estimates that two-percent of all stalking cases conclude in homicide. Twenty-five of female stalking cases have escalated to interpersonal violence. Also revealed in a study is the fact that female stalkers chased their victims to establish intimacy.

As of August 17, 2004, five women in Georgia have been convicted for the crime of aggravated stalking. This level of stalking means an individual has been identified as an assailant in the court system and has violated a court order.

On any given day, you could be one of thousands who feel like they are being stalked.

Won't Be Denied, a 227-page novel, shines a light into an obsessed, single African American female. In the well-crafted suspense novel, author C.F. Jackson, graduate from Georgia Southern University with a BS degree in Criminal Justice, lays out the story in two sentences: Love won’t be denied. Mare comes to value it more than life. The story is set in Atlanta, Georgia. It is an easy, suspenseful read. The character-driven plot is a page-turner.

About the author: Author C.F. Jackson, graduate from Georgia Southern University with a BS degree in Criminal Justice. Currently, working on a second suspense novel

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Saturday, March 18, 2017

Recognize the Pattern & Seek Help!

Domestic abuse toward women:

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By Mayo Clinic staff

He says he's sorry and that it won't happen again. But you fear it will. Angry outbursts, hurtful words, sometimes a slap or a punch. You may start to doubt your own judgment, or wonder whether you're going crazy. Maybe you think you've imagined the whole thing.

But you haven't. Domestic violence can and does happen to people of all ages, races, and socioeconomic and educational backgrounds. Domestic violence happens to men and to same-sex partners, but most often domestic violence involves men abusing their female partners. In fact, the Department of Health and Human Services estimates that as many as 4 million women suffer abuse from their husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends or intimate partners in the United States each year.

Domestic violence — also called domestic abuse, intimate partner violence or battering — occurs between people in intimate relationships. It takes many forms, including coercion, threats, intimidation, isolation, and emotional, sexual and physical abuse.

Without help, abuse will continue and could worsen. Many resources are available to help you understand your options and to support you. No one deserves to be abused.

An abusive relationship: It's about power and control

Though there are no typical victims of domestic violence, abusive relationships do share similar characteristics. In all cases, the abuser aims to exert power and control over his partner.

"A lot of people think domestic violence is about anger, and it really isn't," says Diana Patterson, a licensed social worker and violence prevention coordinator at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. "Batterers do tend to take their anger out on their intimate partner. But it's not really about anger. It's about trying to instill fear and wanting to have power and control in the relationship."

But anger is just one way that an abuser tries to gain authority. The batterer may also turn to physical violence — kicking, punching, grabbing, slapping or strangulation, for example. The abuser may also use sexual violence — forcing you to have sexual intercourse or to engage in other sexual activities against your will. Verbal abuse and mental manipulation also count.

In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use varying tactics to gain power and control, including:

Children as pawns. Accuses you of bad parenting, threatens to take the children away, uses the children to relay messages, or threatens to report you to children's protective services.

Coercion and threats. Threatens to hurt other family members, pets, children or self.

Denial and blame. Denies that the abuse occurs and shifts responsibility for the abusive behavior onto you. This may leave you confused and unsure of yourself or make you feel like you're going crazy.

Economic abuse. Controls finances, refuses to share money, makes you account for money spent and doesn't want you to work outside the home. The abuser may also try to sabotage your work performance by forcing you to miss work or by calling you frequently at work.

Emotional (and Verbal) abuse. Uses put-downs, insults, criticism or name-calling to make you feel bad about yourself.

Intimidation. Uses certain looks, actions or gestures to instill fear. The abuser may break things, destroy property, abuse pets or display weapons.

Isolation. Limits your contact with family and friends, requires you to get permission to leave the house, doesn't allow you to work or attend school, and controls your activities and social events. The abuser may ask where you've been, track your time and whereabouts, or check the odometer on your car or hack into your computer.

Power. Makes all major decisions, defines the roles in your relationship, is in charge of the home and social life, and treats you like a servant or possession.

Recognizing abuse: Know the signs

It may not be easy to identify abuse. An abusive relationship can start subtly. The abuser may criticize your appearance or may be unreasonably jealous. Gradually, the abuse becomes more frequent, severe and potentially life-threatening.

"It's important to know that these relationships don't happen overnight," says Patterson. "It's a gradual process — a slow disintegration of a person's sense of self."

However, many characteristics signify an abusive relationship. For example, you may be abused if you:

- Have ever been hit, kicked, shoved or threatened with violence

- Feel that you have no choice about how you spend your time, where you go or what you wear

- Have been accused by your partner of things you've never done

- Must ask your partner for permission to make everyday decisions

- Feel bad about yourself because your partner calls you names, insults you or puts you down

- Limit time with your family and friends because of your partner's demands

- Submit to sexual intercourse or engage in sexual acts against your will or better judgement

- Accept your partner's decisions because you're afraid of ensuing anger

- Are accused of being unfaithful

- Change your behavior in an effort to not anger your partner

Pregnancy is a particularly perilous time for an abused woman. Not only is your health at risk, but also the health of your unborn child. Abuse can begin or may increase during pregnancy.

Breaking the cycle: Difficult, but doable with help

Domestic violence is part of a continuing cycle that's difficult to break. If you're in an abusive situation, you may recognize this pattern:

Your abuser strikes using words or actions.

Your abuser may beg for forgiveness, offer gifts or promise to change.

Your abuser becomes tense, angry or depressed.

Your abuser promises to stop but repeats the abusive behavior.

Typically each time the abuse occurs, it worsens, and the cycle shortens. Breaking this pattern of violence alone and without help is difficult.

"When you live in an environment of chaos, stress and fear, you start doubting yourself and your ability to take care of yourself," says Patterson. "It can really unravel your sense of reality and self-esteem."

So it's important to recognize that you may not be in a position to resolve the situation on your own. You may need outside help, and that's OK. Without help, the abuse will likely continue. Leaving the abusive relationship may be the only way to break the cycle.

Getting ready to leave: Use a safety plan

Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. You're the only person who knows the safest time to leave. Make sure you prepare a safety plan so that you can act quickly when the time is right.

Consider taking these precautions:

* Arrange a safety signal with a neighbor as an alert to call the police if necessary.

* Prepare an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes, important papers, money, extra keys and prescription medications.

*Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night.

* Call a local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 to find out about legal options and resources available to you, before you need them.

* If you have school-age children, notify the school authorities about custody arrangements, warn them about possible threats and advise the school on what information to keep confidential.

* As part of a safety plan, avoid making long-distance phone calls from home because the abuser could trace the calls to find out where you're going. And the abuser may be able to intercept your cell phone conversations using a scanner. Switch to a corded phone if you're relaying sensitive information.

* Also, be aware that the abuser may be able to monitor your Internet activities and access your e-mail account. Change your passwords, get a new e-mail account or access a computer at a friend's house or a local library.

Where to find help: Options abound

In an emergency situation, call 911 or your local law enforcement agency. If you aren't in immediate danger, consider contacting one of the following resources:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE or (800) 799-7233. Provides crisis referrals to in-state or out-of-state resources, such as women's shelters or crisis centers.

Your doctor or hospital emergency room. Treats any injuries and refers you to safe housing and other local resources.

Local women's crisis center. Typically provides 24-hour, emergency shelter for you and your children, advice on legal matters, advocacy and support services, and evaluation and monitoring of abusers. Some shelters have staff members who speak multiple languages.

Counseling or mental health center. Most communities have agencies that provide individual counseling and support groups to women in abusive relationships. Be wary of anyone who advises couples or marriage counseling. This isn't appropriate for abusive relationships.

Local court. Your district court can help you obtain a court order, which legally mandates the abuser stay away from you or face arrest. These are typically called orders for protection or restraining orders. Advocates are available in many communities to help you complete the paperwork and guide you through the court process.

"There are many resources available to help you if you are being abused." says Patterson. "You can have and you deserve a peaceful life."

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