Sanctuary for the Abused
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
"I'll Change, I Promise": 6 Signs of Real Repentance
by Bryce Klabunde, Vice President Pastoral MinistriesMany changes come naturally as we mature. Sometimes, though, negative habits form deep ruts, and it seems we can't change, no matter how much we want to. Friends urge us to alter course and warn us of dangers ahead if we don't. We read about God's path of wisdom, and His Spirit awakens our spirit to a new vision of a better life. With tears of determination, we tell ourselves, our loved ones, and our Lord that things will be different. "I'll change, I promise," we say. And we really mean it. We feel a deep sense of sorrow for our sin, even disgust. However, as time passes, the pull of the rut overpowers our most sincere promises, and we fall back into old patterns.
Part of the problem may be our mistake in thinking that sorrow and confession are enough to produce change. Another part is the misunderstanding of the process of change-a process the Bible calls repentance.
Repentance is the process of turning from our sinful way of life and turning to godliness. It is characterized by a change of thinking and a change of behavior.
The path of repentance often leads through dark periods of self-examination and painful surrendering of selfishness and pride. Repentance includes letting go of cherished sinful pleasures and being accountable to others who help us lift our wheels out of the rut as we plow a new course in life. It marks a renewed relationship with God on a revived belief that His way is truly best and His righteousness is life's greatest treasure.
How do you know if you're on the path of repentance? What does the penitent life look like? How can you tell if someone you love is really changing? People who are serious about change tend to display similar behaviors that let you know they are on the right track. Here are a few signs you'll find in a truly repentant person:
1. Repentant people are willing to confess ALL their sins, not just the sins that got them in trouble. A house isn't clean until you open every closet and sweep every corner.After healing comes living. Repentant people accept responsibility for past failures but do not drown themselves in guilt. They focus their attention on present responsibilities, which include accomplishing the daily tasks God has given them.
People who truly desire to be clean are completely honest about their lives. They don't ignore, evade or duck questions. No more secrets.
2. Repentant people face the pain that their sin caused others. They invite the victims of their sin (anyone hurt by their actions) to express the intensity of emotions that they feel-anger, hurt, sorrow, and disappointment.
Repentant people do not give excuses or shift blame. They made the choice to hurt others, and they must take full responsibility for their behavior.
3. Repentant people ask forgiveness from those they hurt. They realize that they can never completely "pay off" the debt they owe their victims. Repentant people don't pressure others to say, "I forgive you."
Forgiveness is a journey, and the other person needs time to deal with the hurt before they can forgive. All that penitent people can do is admit their indebtedness and humbly request the undeserved gift of forgiveness.
4. Repentant people remain accountable to a small group of mature people. They gather a group of friends around themselves who hold them accountable to a plan for clean living. They invite the group to question them about their behaviors. And they follow the group's recommendations regarding how to avoid temptation.
5. Repentant people accept their limitations. They realize that the consequences of their sin (including the distrust) will last a long time, perhaps the rest of their lives. They understand that they may never enjoy the same freedom that other people enjoy.
Sex offenders or child molesters, for example, should never be alone with children.
Alcoholics must abstain from drinking.
Adulterers and sex addicts must put strict limitations on their time with members of the opposite sex and account to their partners.
That's the reality of their situation, and they willingly accept their boundaries.
6. Repentant people are faithful to the daily tasks God has given them.
One final thought. Repentance is not a solo effort. God doesn't expect us to lift ourselves up by our own bootstraps. For many people, the first cry of repentance is, "I can't change by myself; I need You, God." Thankfully, those are the sweetest words to God's ear.
KUDOS TO OUR FRIENDS FOR THIS GEM
This site does not ascribe to any one religious affiliation - this is posted for general information and support only.
Labels: change, forgiveness, i'm sorry, negative, promises, reality, repentance
Saturday, January 20, 2018
Spousal Abuse in Religious Families
Some myths and realities
(while this is written from a Jewish perspective, it applies to all faiths & religious families. Abuse is still abuse.)
Myth: Every marriage has a few fights now and then. Crying "abuse" is just a way to get attention.
Reality: Abuse is not the same as normal arguments. Abuse is an ongoing pattern of power and control that progressively limits the thoughts, words and actions of the victim, out of fear of the abuser.
Abuse is like addiction: it never gets better by itself and it requires in-depth work by the abuser to change his/her way of relating to others. When there is abuse in a marriage, couples counseling cannot help until there is first a change in the abuser and he or she stops the abuse for good.
Myth: If the abused person would just change or try harder, the abuse would stop.
"It takes two to tango."
Reality: Although normal marriage is a two-way street, in this case experience shows that "trying harder" will escalate the abuse. Abuse is the responsibility of the abuser. No matter how annoying or difficult one's spouse, friends or children are, that is never an excuse to abuse and hurt them.
Myth: Women abuse their husbands just as much as the opposite.
Reality: About 5% of the time the man is the primary victim of spouse abuse (and is usually less likely than a woman to tell anyone). Generally, when there is abuse, it is the wife who is abused by her husband.
Wife abuse is one of the main reasons for women to be seen in hospital emergency rooms. When women hit or scratch, it is often in self-defense.
Myth: If the abuse isn't physical, it isn't really so serious.
Reality: We know that words can wound more deeply than blows. Ona'as devarim [pain caused by words alone] is a serious prohibition in the Torah.
Emotional abuse kills the spirit. Furthermore, physical abuse is always accompanied, and often preceded, by emotional abuse. At the extreme, emotional abuse can cause physical illness, loss of the will to live or death by suicide.
Myth: Abusers are generally unpleasant or angry people. I could certainly tell if someone were an abuser.
Reality: Abusers are not monsters: they are often some of the most charming and helpful people around. Abuse is about control, not anger; the same person who claims his wife made him hit her because she "pushed his buttons" wouldn't dream of acting that way to a boss, a policeman or a rabbi he respected, no matter how angry he was.
Myth: If the abuse is kept quiet, it won't affect the children.
Reality: Children always know when something is wrong. Spouse abuse has demonstrable physical, neurological, emotional and social effects on children of all ages, including infants. Over 50% of the time, when a spouse is being abused, the children are also direct victims of child abuse. About 2/3 of children who witness spouse abuse end up in abusive marriages when they grow up.
Myth: If a spouse is abused, she or he has no choice but to get a divorce.
Reality: While divorce is one halachic option, there are many reasons a person might choose to stay in an abusive marriage. Some of these are: hope that things will get better; financial worries; concerns for children; family and community pressure; fear that one will not be believed; lack of confidence in oneself.
Often the abuser has threatened to hurt himself and/or others if the spouse leaves. The way a victim chooses to deal with abuse is up to that person.
Myth: If the abuser promises to do teshuvah, we should let bygones be bygones.
Reality: Teshuvah [repentance] is a long, in-depth process that requires that the abuser take complete responsibility for his or her actions.
It certainly involves much more than a mere intention or statement that the abuser won't do this again.
Teshuvah is possible, but the process of healing cannot generally be done without the help of a competent and informed rabbi and a psychologist who truly understands the dynamics of abuse.
This is an area that involves many halachic questions; it is essential that this process not be attempted on one's own.
Myth: What goes on in other people's families is private. Why should I deal with this problem?
Reality: Abuse in our community will begin to disappear when we no longer allow it. This means acknowledging the problem openly, giving concrete and emotional support to the victims, offering help to abusers if they want it and urging them to get help.
Abuse is not a private issue. It affects future generations by passing on the message that abuse is normal in marriage, and it sometimes alienates victims and their children from Judaism when they see that what the Torah says about family life can be violated with no apparent outcry from the community.
Abuse in our families is a Chillul Hashem. It is up to us, as a community, to stop it.
"Myths and Realities" provided by NISHMA Hotline of Ezras Bayis, a project of the Orthodox Counseling Program of Jewish Family Service of Los Angeles.
SOURCE
Labels: change, control, emotional abuse, lies, Ona'as devarim, repentance, teshuva, verbal abuse
