Imagine that your car breaks down in a remote spot known to
be close to a Federal prison. Your cell phone isn't picking up a signal,
so you are thrust on the mercy of a passing driver. In this scenario,
would it be wiser to solicit help from another driver yourself or to sit
in the car and wait for someone to notice your state of need and offer
to help?
It would generally be wiser to take an active role in
picking the target of your request for help. If you decide to actively
request help, you could try to screen for certain factors that might
indicate that a particular person would be relatively safe to hail—for
example, a man or woman who appears to be riding with his or her young
children.
Even if you picked at random, without looking for
indicators of potentially safe helpers, you would be statistically less
likely to pick a sociopath relative to the likelihood that a sociopath
might pick you when he or she witnesses your obvious state of
vulnerability.
As threat expert Gavin De Becker explains, “the
possibility that you'll inadvertently select a predatory criminal for
whom you are the right victim type is very remote."* In other words, if
you were to wait passively in your car for someone to help you, you
would most likely attract one of two types of people—either good
Samaritans or opportunistic sociopaths drawn to your state of need.
Sanctuary for the Abused
Thursday, March 05, 2020
Destroying the Lives of Others
Narcissists expect and demand that the ones nearest and dearest to them, tolerate, admire, love, and cater to their needs. They expect others to be at their immediate disposal. Their behavior is obnoxious, aloof and indifferent and they fully realize this. Narcissists test the mental limits of people's patience. Individuals in a relationship with a narcissist feel something is not “quite right,” and many seek answers to the unsettling experience of day to day contact with a narcissist.
Narcissistic individuals do not tend to be physically abusive although there are some out there that are. Their worst weapon is their mouth. With their mouth they spit verbal negations and dispense emotional abuse. Their vocal cords are their method of attempting to control others.
Narcissists do not have the emotional capacity to provide support or understanding to others. There are numerous defense mechanisms which narcissists use to confuse and unbalance those around them. Organization is unknown to narcissistic individuals and they avoid future plans if it concerns pleasing another for some reason not evident to them.
They do not want anyone thinking highly of them for several reasons. First, their sense of self as special, unique and deserving keeps them grounded at maintenance level in their relationships. Maintenance level is just enough, just in time to keep the folly of the relationship moving forward, but just enough and no more. To expend more energy on the relationship would cause others to feel some degree of predictability in the whole affair. Contributing to the happiness of the ones they already envy for having the ability to feel love is not a an activity in which narcissists wish to participate.
Second, if another thinks highly of the narcissist then there are expectations which that person has that the narcissist must fulfill. The narcissist, however, does not intend to fill anyone's expectations except that of his/her own.
Happiness, joy, and the effort to please others is not normally undertaken by the narcissist except in the beginning or potential ending of a relationship. At either of these points, the narcissist may be charming, helpful, pleasing, and amusing beyond imagination. But, this effort is only used to obtain a new narcissistic supply source or to win back the affection of an important source if abandonment appears eminent. At all other times, the narcissist believes his/her presence, is clearly and abundantly sufficient to maintain the loyalty, trust, affection and respect of those which the narcissist already considers his/her object. So, the narcissist will postpone, withhold or procrastinate the continuing efforts that are essential to maintaining any kind of meaningful relationship. A narcissistic person is unable to fake the emotion of love for another for a long period of time. This impairs the capacity for a committed relationship with a narcissist. Therefore, marital instability and promiscuity are prominent in those with NPD.
Narcissists can perform obligations in the global areas of their lives and with strangers quite well. But, with those individuals they have already captured, they find the expenditure of civil treatment taxing to their mental reserve and not really necessary. They routinely display to their captured objects their worst traits. These may include abuse of alcohol, sex, verbal negations or other behaviors that tend to keep people at a distance and not allow any close interpersonal strength to develop. This is evident in the narcissists relationships with their wives/husbands, girlfriends/boyfriends, children, brothers, and sisters.
Narcissists will never accept the blame for anything that happens in a relationship. They are quite ready to blame the other person involved. They expect to be the center of attention in a relationship and demand their every wish be fulfilled by their partner.
Don't expect the narcissist to get better with age. By the time they are old they have pushed everyone who has ever tried to care about them away. Their narcissistic characteristics also seem to increase after the death of parents or loss of others that have exerted some type of control over them.
A relationship with a narcissist can at times be fun and invigorating. After the relationship has come to an end, for the non-disordered, there maybe a feeling of let down or boredom. A relationship with a narcissist is like a roller coaster ride--there are extreme highs and lows. Be thankful the relationship has ended. The best advice for anyone who is presently involved with a narcissist is to RUN! The relationship won't get better. Also, it's better to get out before the narcissist snatches away all your self-esteem. Remember, their worst weapon is their mouth.
Labels: abuse, destroy, disrespect, infidelity, liars, narcissism, narcissists, smear campaign
Monday, February 19, 2018
Unresolved Trauma = Attracts Dating Predators
Address old wounds before jumping into the dating pool
For individuals with unresolved traumas, the mate-selection
process often carries a double risk. That is, unhealed wounds of past
trauma in your life lead to a higher likelihood that unsafe people will
pick you, and if you actively pick a partner, it is much more likely
that you will end up with an unsafe person.
In other words, if
you have experienced a trauma, it is often true that you will
unintentionally emit certain signals and behaviors that chum the water
for the psychopathic sharks in the dating pool. Part of the “chum” in
this analogy would be body language.
Research shows that there are
differences in the body language of those identified by anti-social
prisoners to be target victims and those who are not judged to be easy
prey.** Anti-social, dominating, power-abusing individuals have a strong
radar for those who are impulsive, those who do not respect themselves,
those who are desperate to find love at any cost – basically anyone who
will play opposite them in a submissive role for any number of
reasons.
I’ve intentionally selected sharks for my analogy here
because the behavioral patterns of sharks can show up in interactions
between those in the dating pool. That is, before a shark attacks, it
first circles and then bumps into its potential prey, feeling out its
possible victim before going in for the kill.
In the same way,
sharks in the dating pool will bump up against those they are getting to
know, putting out feelers in the form of little tests to gauge the
potential for dominating someone. There are many, many forms that these
tests can take. Here are three examples…
- A person who shows blatant disrespect by flaking out on plans at the last minute with no reasonable explanation… (testing whether the other person will allow him or herself to be treated disrespectfully)
- A person who asks someone he or she has just met on the internet to “come visit for a weekend” (testing things like impulsiveness and how much the other person is willing to invest in a relationship that has barely begun, which may be a indicator of desperation or low self-esteem)…
- A person who pressures someone into physical intimacy early in a relationship, before trust or safety has been well-established over a lengthy period of time…(testing level of self-respect, impulsivity, desperation, etc.)
A shark gains information about the potential
to take advantage of someone by observing how that person responds to
these kinds of tests. So, if you’ve ever met a captivating person who
suddenly dropped out of your life with no explanation, one possibility
is that a shark in the dating pool may have taken a pass because you did
not show yourself to be easy prey.
Even if your goal is to have a
healthy love relationship, if you have experienced certain types of
past traumas, you may have a difficult time recognizing sharks when they
present themselves as suitors because somehow they "feel like home." If
we are sometimes drawn like moths to a flame to potentially abusive
partners, could there be any logical reason for this pattern?
Some
have argued that we select certain partners in order to re-stage trauma
scenarios that mirror what we have experienced in the past, presumably
with the hope of getting a different outcome. For example, the son of a
verbally abusive mother will often end up with a verbally abusive wife.
So, maybe this is an attempt to re-pave over an old trauma in order to
emotionally correct a deep psychic wound? Whether or not this is the
underlying psychological drive, the end result of picking someone you
hope to change almost never leads to greater wholeness and emotional
well-being.
Ultimately, in relationships, as in politics, if you
ignore your history, you will tend to repeat it, so if you have not
addressed and achieved healing from your trauma experience(s), doing so
in a safe relationship with a treating professional is recommended as a
first priority.
*De Becker, G. (1997). The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect us from Violence. New York, NY: Dell Publishing (a division of Random House, Inc.), p. 65.
**Grayson, B. and Stein, M.I. (1981) Attracting Assault: Victims' Nonverbal Cues. Journal of Communication 31 (1): 68-75.
Labels: abuse, c-ptsd, disrespect, emotional rape, fear, narcissists, predators, psychopaths, ptsd, sociopaths, targets, trauma, unresolved
Monday, October 23, 2017
Boundary Violations
by: David Mandel
When it comes to domestic violence perpetrators everyone wants to know: how dangerous is he? Or more specifically, what kind of violence is he likely to do in the future? Domestic violence survivors and their children can think and worry about this on a daily basis as they attempt to avoid or minimize the impact of the abusers’ next attack. In the judicial system, agencies such as adult probation look for information which will help them allocate supervision resources towards the most serious and dangerous offenders. Child protection service agencies want to understand whether a domestic violence abuser can be successfully prevented from harming a victim and her children through restraining and protective orders.
While researchers strive to isolate profile factors of abusers who will kill or do serious damage, anecdotal information from survivors of domestic violence continues to be the best common sense source of information about dangerousness. For instance, men who threaten to kill their partners, who have physically assaulted them when they were pregnant or have forced their partners to engage in unwanted sexual behavior are perceived as some of the most dangerous. Men who stalk their victims, willfully violate court orders and assault them in front of others also fall into this category.
What do these men have in common? Is there an aspect or pattern in their behavior that would be useful in assessing the behavior and dangerousness of all abusers? All these behaviors share a distinct quality which can be described as a "boundary violation." A "boundary violation" is an action which by its very nature penetrates the physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries of another person. All types of violence share this characteristic to some degree. By examining the extent, severity and the frequency of the "boundary violations" in the behavior of an abuser, we can begin to see a pattern emerge that may be useful in assessing for future dangerousness as well as the path towards successful intervention approaches with an abuser.
First of all, evaluating an abusive man based on his history of violating his victims boundaries orients the assessment process towards an essential dynamic in domestic violence cases. Webster's Collegiate Dictionary uses the words, "break", "disregard", "interrupt" "disturb", "desecrate" and "rape" in association with the words violation or violate. All these words accurately describe the range of experience of battered women and their children at the hands of their abuser. By engaging in a pattern of abuse, a batterer "breaks, interrupts and disturbs" his victim's control over her own time, energy, physical space and even her thoughts. When we understand domestic violence as a boundary violation, we refocus the community dialogue on the serious impact of the behavior on the victim and her children. Our understanding of the abuser changes from seeing him as someone with a "temper problem" or someone who "lost control" to someone who is breaking the trust of his loved ones. And we are implicitly acknowledging the right and need for women and their children to have their own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual boundaries.
Second, by knowing how far a particular abuser has gone in his "boundary violations" we can begin to see his dangerousness more clearly. Was he physically violent to his partner when she was pregnant? If he was, he has demonstrated his willingness and ability to strike out against a very vulnerable form of life. Has he stalked his partner against her wishes and in disregard for court orders against him? If he has, he has demonstrated his unwillingness to respond to either his victim’s request for physical space or legal and social injunctions against his invasion of her space. Has he been violent to his partner in front of others including children, friends, family or in public? If the answer is yes, then he has displayed a willingness to humiliate and shame his partner in addition to assaulting her. Has he been sexually assaulting toward his partner? If the answer is yes, then has demonstrated his willingness to override and ignore her most basic and fundamental right: to control her own body. The questions can continue: Has he broken into her house? Has he spied on her? and so on.
Three useful perspectives emerge from examining the extent, severity and frequency of the boundary violations.
First, a profile develops of the offender centered on the most crucial aspects of his behavior. What social, ethical and moral norms is the abuser willing to violate in order to get his own way? What requests from the victim, her children and legal and social authorities is he willing to disregard in order to get what he wants? The more an abuser indicates his willingness to "break, interrupt, desecrate, and disturb" the normal human needs of his victim and accepted legal and social boundaries, the more dangerous he is.
Second, a picture forms of the abuser's level of disconnection from himself and others. To become abusive, a man must forget about everything except his goal of control. Focusing on revenge or proving oneself right takes all precedent over the impact of his behavior on his children or his partner's feelings for him. He disconnects from his other values, and he disconnects from the real long-term impact of his behavior. The more time a man spends disconnected from himself and others, the more dangerous he is. The greater the degree of disconnection the more dangerous he is.
Third, if you analyze the boundaries an abuser is willing to cross, you may also begin to see which boundaries he respects and won't cross. We know that many abusers, when they become aware of the impact of their behavior on their children, begin to make an effort to change. For instance, a study showed that a number of men who had been physically violent before their partner became pregnant stopped their physical violence during the pregnancy. This kind of information can help the court, social service workers and community agencies begin to develop individual and community strategies designed to leverage these pre-existing patterns.
A battered women intuitively understand many of these things. Her fear level can quickly rise when her partner becomes quiet. His disconnection from her and the family may be a precursor of a violent incident. The same may be true for a sarcastic or critical comment. A outside observer may fail to understand how a small, cutting comment telegraphs so much about his willingness to violate her emotional space. Battered women are constantly trying to discover the boundary the abuser will not cross to hurt her or her children. For instance, a victim might strategize "Let me invite our friends over. He's never violent when other people are around," or "I need to call the police because he always leaves me alone for a few months after the police get involved."
Professionals working with domestic violence may benefit from examining the patterns of abusers from the "boundary violations" perspective. This method of organizing our thinking about abusers can enhance our efforts to develop the most effective assessment and intervention strategies in our work to diminish and ultimately stop domestic violence in our society.
Labels: abusers, attack, boundaries, disrespect, harm, lies, trauma, victims, violation, violence
