Sanctuary for the Abused

Thursday, March 05, 2020

Destroying the Lives of Others

Narcissists expect and demand that the ones nearest and dearest to them, tolerate, admire, love, and cater to their needs. They expect others to be at their immediate disposal. Their behavior is obnoxious, aloof and indifferent and they fully realize this. Narcissists test the mental limits of people's patience. Individuals in a relationship with a narcissist feel something is not “quite right,” and many seek answers to the unsettling experience of day to day contact with a narcissist.

Narcissistic individuals do not tend to be physically abusive although there are some out there that are. Their worst weapon is their mouth. With their mouth they spit verbal negations and dispense emotional abuse. Their vocal cords are their method of attempting to control others.

Narcissists do not have the emotional capacity to provide support or understanding to others. There are numerous defense mechanisms which narcissists use to confuse and unbalance those around them. Organization is unknown to narcissistic individuals and they avoid future plans if it concerns pleasing another for some reason not evident to them.

They do not want anyone thinking highly of them for several reasons. First, their sense of self as special, unique and deserving keeps them grounded at maintenance level in their relationships. Maintenance level is just enough, just in time to keep the folly of the relationship moving forward, but just enough and no more. To expend more energy on the relationship would cause others to feel some degree of predictability in the whole affair. Contributing to the happiness of the ones they already envy for having the ability to feel love is not a an activity in which narcissists wish to participate.

Second, if another thinks highly of the narcissist then there are expectations which that person has that the narcissist must fulfill. The narcissist, however, does not intend to fill anyone's expectations except that of his/her own.

Happiness, joy, and the effort to please others is not normally undertaken by the narcissist except in the beginning or potential ending of a relationship. At either of these points, the narcissist may be charming, helpful, pleasing, and amusing beyond imagination. But, this effort is only used to obtain a new narcissistic supply source or to win back the affection of an important source if abandonment appears eminent. At all other times, the narcissist believes his/her presence, is clearly and abundantly sufficient to maintain the loyalty, trust, affection and respect of those which the narcissist already considers his/her object. So, the narcissist will postpone, withhold or procrastinate the continuing efforts that are essential to maintaining any kind of meaningful relationship. A narcissistic person is unable to fake the emotion of love for another for a long period of time. This impairs the capacity for a committed relationship with a narcissist. Therefore, marital instability and promiscuity are prominent in those with NPD.

Narcissists can perform obligations in the global areas of their lives and with strangers quite well. But, with those individuals they have already captured, they find the expenditure of civil treatment taxing to their mental reserve and not really necessary. They routinely display to their captured objects their worst traits. These may include abuse of alcohol, sex, verbal negations or other behaviors that tend to keep people at a distance and not allow any close interpersonal strength to develop. This is evident in the narcissists relationships with their wives/husbands, girlfriends/boyfriends, children, brothers, and sisters.

Narcissists will never accept the blame for anything that happens in a relationship. They are quite ready to blame the other person involved. They expect to be the center of attention in a relationship and demand their every wish be fulfilled by their partner.

Don't expect the narcissist to get better with age. By the time they are old they have pushed everyone who has ever tried to care about them away. Their narcissistic characteristics also seem to increase after the death of parents or loss of others that have exerted some type of control over them.

A relationship with a narcissist can at times be fun and invigorating. After the relationship has come to an end, for the non-disordered, there maybe a feeling of let down or boredom. A relationship with a narcissist is like a roller coaster ride--there are extreme highs and lows. Be thankful the relationship has ended. The best advice for anyone who is presently involved with a narcissist is to RUN! The relationship won't get better. Also, it's better to get out before the narcissist snatches away all your self-esteem. Remember, their worst weapon is their mouth.

Labels: abuse, destroy, disrespect, infidelity, liars, narcissism, narcissists, smear campaign

shared by Barbara at 12:12 AM 22 comments

The Anti-Social Emotional Vampire Checklist

LISTENING TO THE CALL OF THE WILD:

True or false? Score one point for each true answer.

1. THIS PERSON BELIEVES THAT RULES WERE MADE TO BE BROKEN OR THAT THEY ARE THE 'EXCEPTION' TO THE RULES.

2. THIS PERSON IS ADEPT AT USING EXCUSES TO AVOID DOING WHAT HE OR SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DO.

3. THIS PERSON HAS HAD LEGAL PROBLEMS.

4. THIS PERSON REGULARLY ENGAGES IN DANGEROUS ACTIVITIES FOR THEIR THRILL VALUE.

5. THIS PERSON CAN TURN ON BRILLIANT BURSTS OF CHARM TO GET HIS OR HER WAY.

6. THIS PERSON IS NOT VERY GOOD AT MANAGING HIS OR HER FINANCES.

7. THIS PERSON SMOKES WITHOUT APOLOGY.

8. THIS PERSON HAS ONE OR MORE OTHER ADDICTIONS.

9. THIS PERSON HAS HAD MORE SEX PARTNERS THAN MOST PEOPLE.

10. THIS PERSON SELDOM WORRIES.

11. THIS PERSON ACTUALLY BELIEVES THAT SOME PROBLEMS CAN BE SETTLED WITH A FIST FIGHT.

12. THIS PERSON SEES NO PROBLEM WITH LYING TO ACHIEVE A GOAL.

13. THIS PERSON JUSTIFIES DOING BAD THINGS TO PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY WOULD DO IT TOO IF THEY HAD THE CHANCE.

14. THIS PERSON CAN CONSCIOUSLY THROW A TANTRUM TO GET HIS OR HER WAY.

15. THIS PERSON DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF LOOKING BEFORE YOU LEAP.

16. THIS PERSON BELIEVES IN HAVING FUN FIRST AND DOING THE WORK LATER.

17. THIS PERSON HAS BEEN FIRED FROM A JOB, OR HAS QUIT IMPULSIVELY.

18. THIS PERSON REFUSES TO COMPLY WITH ANY SORT OF DRESS CODE.

19. THIS PERSON REGULARLY MAKES PROMISES THAT HE OR SHE NEVER KEEPS.

20. DESPITE ALL THESE FAULTS, THIS PERSON IS STILL ONE OF THE MOST EXCITING PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET.

Scoring: Five or more true answers qualifies the person as an Anti-Social Emotional Vampire, though not necessarily for a diagnosis of Anti-Social Personality. If the person scores higher than ten, hold onto your wallet, and your heart.

By ALBERT J. BERNSTEIN, Ph.D.

Labels: addiction, antisocial, liars, lies, manipulation, personality

shared by Barbara at 12:39 AM 4 comments

Beware Disordered Therapists, Gurus and Spiritual 'Teachers'

THERAPY AND COUNSELING CAN BE A VITAL TOOL FOR HEALING IN THE HANDS OF THE RIGHT PERSON. BUT THERE ARE MANY DISORDERED PERSONS OUT THERE WILLING TO SUCK MONEY AND TRUST FROM THE VULNERABLE & DESPERATE. ALWAYS CHECK LICENSES AND CREDENTIALS OUT WITH YOUR STATE.

by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD

There are a growing number of "spiritual teachers" who are narcissists. They are among the most magnetic and charismatic of individuals. We have a lot of desperate people today with the economic downturn roller coaster ride, the increasing numbers of narcissists in the society who are making life very difficult for everyone else and the persistence of chronic psychological problems.

Coming to the rescue are "narcissistic gurus" who have all the answers. Charismatic, charming, excellent communicators and story tellers, these individuals are offering courses that promise to reshape your life, to calm you down, even to make you rich. Many of them are covert narcissists who convincing pretend to be humble and unmaterialistic. Your state of mind and soul is their first priority---That's what they say.

Narcissistic gurus often come with fine academic credentials. Some are medical doctors or Ph.D.'s. Others call themselves holistic healers, medical intuitives. Their presentations are so smooth that most people are mesmerized by them. Often attractive physically with excellent communications skills, they can captivate any audience within a short period of time. I know of spiritual gurus who travel the world, peddling their packages or retreats which cost $1000 to $3000 for less than a week. The goal is enlightenment----the expensive way. What happens if you don't have any money--That's too bad -- you are out of the spiritual loop. Where do true spirituality and spending a lot of money and attending a five day seminar meet-----NOWHERE! (By the way learning how to meditate and reach levels of calmness and deeper consciousness doesn't cost money. It requires your time and dedication).

I have watched some of these narcissists for years (Some of them are sociopaths with no conscience whatsoever) When you talk to them at close range, they are cold and dismissive if you are not "yes-ing" them with reverence or breaking a sweat to sign up for their next consciousness raising seminar in some exotic part of the world. Some vulnerable people become addicted to these new age phonies who take your money, speak new age drivel and eclipse your life.

Humble, living simply, empathic---absolutely not! I have seen their self entitled over the top lifestyles, born out of the money that they extract from psychologically vulnerable people. Then you have the spiritual groupies that have to take the latest pseudo spiritual trip to Bhutan or some other corner of the world so that they can brag to all of their friends.

Narcissistic spiritual gurus must be exposed. They are confidence men and women. They don't give a damn about your psychological or spiritual welfare. They live only for themselves, their godlike image and the fruits of their labors---becoming more wealthy and controlling the minds, emotions and psyches of others.

To protect yourself from these pseudo spiritual vipers, study the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth.

SOURCE

Labels: con artist, emotional healing, fake, fraud, liars, narcissism, narcissist, psychologist, psychopath, sociopath, spirituality, therapy

shared by Barbara at 12:07 AM 9 comments

Compulsive Liars

Compulsive Liars often feel the need to lie about almost anything. They often lie about little things such as what they ate for lunch and they also lie about big important things. When compulsive liars lie it becomes a very bad habit. It is very difficult to break and it almost feels like that they can not stop lying due to it being almost automatic. It almost becomes so automatic within themselves that lying becomes a part of them. They often can lie and sound very convincing.

People who are compulsive liars often lie so much that it is almost like a script. Once an individual memorizes a series of scripts that are lies then they can say the scripts sounding very convincing to other individuals. At times there is flaws in the individual stories that they lie about or other lies that they tell. Compulsive liars often have big stories in order to cover up a certain area of their past which the person is afraid to let other people know. They are often afraid of being judged. Compulsive liars often have extreme self esteem issues and often lie to portray themselves as someone else that they aren't really.

Compulsive liars may stop lying and come clean about the truth when they are caught. The lies that compulsive liars do tell will eventually catch up to them. People around them will begin to notice gaps in their stories and the other lies that they tell people. Compulsive liars can only be so convincing only so long until someone notices that it is mostly lies. Compulsive liars will often tell another story full of lies if they don't want the truth to be known when they are caught in other lies.

One thing to remember about compulsive liars is you often can not tell the difference between a truth and lie. After so many stories have been told and so many lies that have been told then it is difficult to people around them to figure out exactly which is false and which is true.

People can not always tell lies about everything about themselves since it is impossible to hide everything about themselves completely. Compulsive liars can not always lie about everything little thing about themselves or other things.

Compulsive liars often lie to the family and friends. Compulsive liars will also lie to the person that they love romantically. Be careful with some compulsive liars since some of them don't have any guilt about the lies. Some of them never come clean about the truth unless they reach a point of where they want to stop lying.

How does a compulsive liar stop?
A compulsive liar has to make the decision to stop lying. A person won't stop lying unless he or she wants to do so. A compulsive liar can't begin to stop lying until he or she decides to start to tell the truth about everything in the past and present and future. Or just selective truth. Someone who is a compulsive liar will sometimes fall back into the mode of lying again. Compulsive lying is much deeper than just self esteem issues.

Michelle Knudson is a Freelance Writer. She's happily married and resides in the USA. She loves making a positive difference in the lives of people. She enjoys reading, writing, her gold fish, and computers.

Labels: compulsivity, liars, lies, self esteem, thought stopping

shared by Barbara at 12:58 AM 17 comments

Born to Lie?

A face can fool you. Some people are born with an honest-looking face or mannerisms that help them get away with telling lies.
By Denise Mann
Reviewed By Brunilda Nazario, MD

Once people realize that he is an expert in the art of lying, Charles F. Bond, PhD, is always a big hit at cocktail parties.

"I find that everyone seems to be fascinated by lying," Bond, a professor of psychology at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth, tells WebMD. "People have a preoccupation and a fascination with the possibility that other people are lying."

This may be why an influx of studies conducted lately have looked at who lies, as well as how and why they do it. WebMD set out to see what is so compelling about stretching the truth.First Things First
"The first question I get at cocktail parties is 'how can you tell when someone is lying?'" Bond says.

For certain, it would be a lot easier if, like Pinocchio, our noses grew with each lie or like the old adage, our pants set ablaze with each fib, but no such luck! A recent study of 75 countries found that two-thirds of those polled say shifty eyes are the hallmark of a liar.

"The general finding is that far and away, the most widespread stereotype is that liars can't look you in the eye," Bond says. "A significant minority of Muslims believe that liars look you in the eye more when lying, but the stereotype that liars don't look you in the eye swamped everything else," he tells WebMD.

Wanna Buy a Bridge?
However "there are people who are essentially psychopaths, such as con artists, and these people often make very good liars because they don't have the emotional response that other people have to lying," says Robert Galatzer-Levy, MD, a psychoanalyst in private practice in Chicago and a lecturer at the University of Chicago. He explains that when most people lie, they feel some discomfort and it will show up in their facial expressions, manners, and style.

"The psychopathic liar doesn't have these responses, so it's much more difficult to pick up on cues that they are lying," he says.

According to Bond's study, the ability to detect a liar varies geographically. Americans think they can detect a lie less than half of the time and Norwegians and Swedes rate themselves even worse. Turks and Armenians, however, say they can spot a liar upwards of 70% of the time. Worldwide, people surveyed say they can detect 53% of lies.

You've Got the Look? So what makes a face or mannerism honest ? "Eye contact makes a person look honest," says Bond.

In addition, a person's face plays into how honest they appear. "Symmetrical faces may, in general, be seen as more honest than ones that are asymmetrical."

"All other things being equal, attractive faces are seen as more honest than unattractive faces," says Bond.

"Baby-faces are seen as more honest than mature faces. No doubt, there is a 'choir boy' look that researchers haven't yet fully documented. When they do, I bet it will include smooth complexion, wide eyes, and a large forehead (relative to the chin). These baby-face features convey an innocent look.

"I personally believe some people are born with an honest-looking face or mannerisms and have the 'choir boy' look," Bond says.

"So there are anatomical differences and traits for lying that show up early; and if you are good at lying, you find out when you are a kid because you say 'I didn't do it, Johnny did' and your mom believes you so you get reinforced for lying and get out of punishment," he explains. But, Bond explains, people who look dishonest stop lying pretty fast because nobody believes them anyway.

For example, a guest at a pretentious dinner party says he graduated from Harvard University -- when in fact he barely finished high school.

Some people are pathological liars and they are probably born that way, but most people that lie are actually made, adds Yvonne Thomas, PhD, a psychologist in Los Angeles.

For example, "sometimes they are feeling ashamed of something that they don't feel is good enough or don't feel good enough for who they are," she says. "Often people lie as a defense to make themselves feel better," she says.

"In its extreme, liars are born not made, but in terms of more social lying that we all do, it depends on circumstances," says Charles L. Raison, MD, an assistant professor in the department of psychiatry and behavioral science at Emory University School of Medicine in Atlanta. "Lying runs the spectrum from nobody tells the truth all the time to people that tell huge tales," he says.

The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth? Not So Fast
Honesty may not always be the best policy, Raison says.

"There are certainly times when not revealing the whole truth is more beneficial than harmful," Raison says. For example, in the world of health, it's well known that people diagnosed with terminal illness live longer with hope, he says.

So "if I come in and he or she says 'doc, I am doing the treatment and I think I am going to beat it,' it may be more if productive for me to say, 'that sounds great -- you have a great attitude!' than to [recount his/her true odds of survival]," he says.

"I do think there are times when the best interests of the other person are served by not giving all the truth," he says.

Almost everyone lies sometimes, Galatzer-Levy says. In fact, research has shown that people lie in one-fourth of their daily social interactions.

"It's usually to spare themselves or someone else humiliation such as by concocting an excuse to avoid a social occasion," he says.

"Laughing at a joke that you don't find funny is a form of lie," he says.

But "honesty is the best policy when someone else's life would be affected," Thomas says.It may not be the best bet in certain social situations where a white lie may go over better, she says. "If a woman says: 'how do I look in this dress?' and her husband says 'it's OK' as opposed to fantastic or horrible, it spares someone's feelings," she explains.

In such cases, "neutrality is a better response than totally lying and saying it looks fabulous or telling the harsh truth like 'it makes you look fat,'" Thomas says.I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman!
With fibbing journalists like Stephen Glass, Jayson Blair, and USA Today columnist Jack Kelley, and evasive politicians, are we a nation of liars?

"I think historically lying is really no more common now than was in the past," Galatzer-Levy says. "But we tend to forget that political leaders have lied across the centuries and journalists have made up stories for a very long time."

What has changed, he says, is that it is harder to get away with lying today. "If a fact checker wants to find out if something occurred, all they have to do is pick up the phone [while] 100 years ago, you couldn't pick up a phone," he says.

When it comes to lying, "I think there is a very wide range of moral positions in our society. Jayson Blair, for example, writes a book describing how it's the editors of The New York Times fault that he fabricated articles and I wouldn't be surprised if he believed that."

The pendulum has also swung a bit in the other way. "It used to be common for doctors to lie to patients, so kind physicians would take it on themselves to lie but current medical ethics make it clear that lying in this context is completely unacceptable," he says.

Martha Stewart Lying
After being found guilty of conspiracy, obstruction of justice, and two counts of making false statements, Martha Stewart serves as an example of the price of untruths -- a potential prison term or at the very least public disgrace.

"There are some fairly severe penalties for lying," Galatzer-Levy says. "Obviously if you lie in court and get caught, you can go to prison, but more typically people pick up that the person is lying and simply don't trust him or her and this makes it very difficult to have arrangements and agreements with people."

Raison agrees: "The more one lies for any reason, the more likely one is to be regarded by the social world as not trustworthy and unreliable," he says.

"The problem is that a person keeps digging themselves a bigger hole and starts losing track of lies and they don't remember who knows what," Thomas says. Eventually it will catch up with them and the biggest consequence is that their credibility is shot," Thomas says.

Some liars even start to believe their own lies, she says.

"They are convincing themselves harder than anyone else and most people have no idea that they are using lies as a defense to stop feeling bad about themselves, so there is a need to believe the lies," she says. "It keeps them feelingly they are OK and are good enough."

The Dog Ate My Homework
"It's normal for children to lie every once in a while," Raison says. "On the other hand, if you see a pattern of embellished fantastic lying -- especially if that behavior is associated with attention deficit, being a bully, or constantly getting into trouble, it's often the beginning of a constellation of behavior and long-term traits associated with tremendous grief to the individual," he says.Flagrant repeated lying in childhood is potential symptom of a lifelong serious problem, he says.

SOURCES: Charles F. Bond, PhD, professor, psychology, Texas Christian University, Fort Worth, Texas. Robert Galatzer-Levy, psychoanalyst, private practice, Chicago; and a lecturer, University of Chicago. Charles L. Raison, MD, assistant professor, department of psychiatry and behavioral science, Emory University School of Medicine, Atlanta. Yvonne Thomas, PhD, psychologist, Los Angeles.
http://my.webmd.com/content/Article/89/100296.htm

Labels: embelished, honesty, liars, lying, narcissist, pathological, sociopath, truth

shared by Barbara at 12:33 AM 0 comments

Verbal & Emotional Abuse

DEFINITIONS OF VERBAL & EMOTIONAL ABUSE

- You understand their feelings, but they never attempt to understand yours;

- They dismiss your difficulties or issues as unimportant or an overreaction;

- They do not listen to you;

- They always put their needs before yours;

- They expect you to perform tasks that you find unpleasant or humiliating;

- You "walk on eggshells" in an effort not to upset them;

- They ignore logic and prefer amateur theatrics in order to remain the centre of attention;

- Instead manipulate you into feeling guilty for things that have nothing to do with you;

- They attempt to destroy any outside support you receive by belittling the people/ service/ practice in an attempt to retain exclusive control over your emotions;

- They never take responsibility for hurting others;

- They blame everyone and everything else for any unfortunate events in their lives;

- They perceive themselves as martyrs or victims and constantly expect preferential treatment.

Copyright 2002 Abuse List.

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WHAT IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE?

There is no universally accepted definition of emotional abuse. Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse is based on power and control. The following are widely recognized as forms of emotional abuse:

rejecting

- refusing to acknowledge a person's presence, value or worth; communicating to a person that she or he is useless or inferior; devaluing her/his thoughts and feelings. Example: repeatedly treating a child differently from siblings in a way that suggests resentment, rejection or dislike for the child.

degrading

- insulting, ridiculing, name calling, imitating and infantilizing; behaviour which diminishes the identity, dignity and self-worth of the person. Examples: yelling, swearing, publicly humiliating or labelling a person as stupid; mimicking a person's disability; treating a senior as if she or he cannot make decisions.

terrorizing

- inducing terror or extreme fear in a person; coercing by intimidation; placing or threatening to place a person in an unfit or dangerous environment. Examples: forcing a child to watch violent acts toward other family members or pets; threatening to leave, physically hurt or kill a person, pets or people she / he cares about; threatening to destroy a person's possessions; threatening to have a person deported or put in an institution; stalking.

isolating

- physical confinement; restricting normal contact with others; limiting freedom within a person's own environment. Examples: excluding a senior from participating in decisions about her or his own life; locking a child in a closet or room alone; refusing a female partner or senior access to her or his own money and financial affairs; withholding contact with grandchildren; depriving a person of mobility aids or transportation.

corrupting/exploiting

- socializing a person into accepting ideas or behaviour which oppose legal standards; using a person for advantage or profit; training a child to serve the interests of the abuser and not of the child. Examples: child sexual abuse; permitting a child to use alcohol or drugs or see pornography; enticing a person into the sex trade.

denying emotional responsiveness

- failing to provide care in a sensitive and responsive manner; being detached and uninvolved; interacting only when necessary; ignoring a person's mental health needs. Examples: ignoring a child's attempt to interact; failing to show affection, caring and / or love for a child; treating a senior who lives in an institution as though she / he is an object or "a job to be done."

- Emotional abuse accompanies other forms of abuse, but also may occur on its own;

- No abuse - neglect, physical, sexual or financial - can occur without psychological consequences. Therefore all abuse contains elements of emotional abuse;

- Emotional abuse follows a pattern; it is repeated and sustained. If left unchecked, abuse does not get better over time. It only gets worse;

- Like other forms of violence in relationships, those who hold the least power and resources in society, for example, women and children, are most often emotionally abused;

- Emotional abuse can severely damage a person's sense of self-worth and perception;

- In children, emotional abuse can impair psychological development, including: intelligence, memory, recognition, perception, attention, imagination and moral development; and

- Emotional abuse can also affect a child's social development and may result in an impaired ability to perceive, feel, understand and express emotions.

HOW WIDESPREAD IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE?

Only a few studies provide insight about the prevalence of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is difficult to research because:

- Its effects have only recently been recognized;

- There are no consistent definitions and it is hard to define;

- It is difficult to detect, assess and substantiate; and

- Many cases of emotional abuse go unreported.

- Chronic verbal aggression ranked as the second most prevalent form of mistreatment following material abuse.

FACTS TO CONSIDER

Emotional abuse of children can result in serious emotional and/or behavioural problems, including depression, lack of attachment or emotional bond to a parent or guardian, low cognitive ability and educational achievement, and poor social skills.

One study which looked at emotionally abused children in infancy and then again during their preschool years consistently found them to be angry, uncooperative and unattached to their primary caregiver. The children also lacked creativity, persistence and enthusiasm.

Children who experience rejection are more likely than accepted children to exhibit hostility, aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviour, to be extremely dependent, to have negative opinions of themselves and their abilities, to be emotionally unstable or unresponsive, and to have a negative perception of the world around them.

Parental verbal aggression (e.g., yelling, insulting) or symbolic aggression (e.g., slamming a door, giving the silent treatment) toward children can have serious consequences. Children who experience these forms of abuse demonstrate higher rates of physical aggressiveness, delinquency and interpersonal problems than other children. Children whose parents are additionally physically abusive are even more likely to experience such difficulties.

Children who see or hear their mothers being abused are victims of emotional abuse.

Growing up in such an environment is terrifying and severely affects a child's psychological and social development. Male children may learn to model violent behaviour while female children may learn that being abused is a normal part of relationships. This contributes to the intergenerational cycle of violence.

Many women in physically abusive relationships feel that the emotional abuse is more severely debilitating than the physical abuse in the relationship.

Repeated verbal abuse such as blaming, ridiculing, insulting, swearing, yelling and humiliation has long-term negative effects on a woman's self-esteem and contributes to feelings of uselessness, worthlessness and self-blame.

Threatening to kill or physically harm a female partner, her children, other family members or pets establishes dominance and coercive power on the part of the abuser. The female partner feels extreme terror, vulnerability and powerlessness within the relationship. This type of emotional abuse can make an abused woman feel helpless and isolated.

Jealousy, possessiveness and interrogation about whereabouts and activities are controlling behaviours which can severely restrict a female partner's independence and freedom. Social and financial isolation may leave her dependent upon the abuser for social contact money and the necessities of life.

Emotional abuse can have serious physical and psychological consequences for women, including severe depression, anxiety, persistent headaches, back and limb problems, and stomach problems.

Women who are psychologically abused but not physically abused are five times more likely to misuse alcohol than women who have not experienced abuse.

Senior abuse is still a new issue and there is still little research in this field on emotional abuse.

We do know that senior emotional abuse and neglect can be personal or systemic and that it occurs in a variety of relationships and settings, including abuse by:

- a partner;

- adult children or other relatives;

- unrelated, formal or informal caregivers; or

- someone in a position of trust.

Seniors who are emotionally abused may experience feelings of extreme inadequacy, guilt, low self-esteem, symptoms of depression, fear of failure, powerlessness or hopelessness. These signs may be easily confused with loss of mental capability so that a senior may be labelled as "senile" or "incapable" when in fact she or he may be being emotionally abused.

Abusers may often outwardly display anger and resentment toward the senior in the company of others. They may also display a complete lack of respect or concern for the senior by repeatedly interrupting or publicly humiliating her or him. Not taking into account a senior's wishes concerning decisions about her or his own life is an outward sign of abuse.

DETECTING EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Emotional abuse may be difficult to detect. However, personal awareness and understanding of the issue is key to recognizing it. The following indicators may assist in detecting emotional abuse.

possible indicators of emotional abuse

- depression;

- withdrawal;

- low self-esteem;

- severe anxiety;

- fearfulness;

- failure to thrive in infancy;

- aggression;

- emotional instability;

- sleep disturbances;

- physical complaints with no medical basis;

- inappropriate behaviour for age or development;

- overly passive/compliant;

- suicide attempts or discussion;

- extreme dependence;

- underachievement;

- inability to trust;

- stealing;

- other forms of abuse present or suspected;

- feelings of shame and guilt;

- frequent crying;

- self-blame/self-depreciation;

- overly passive/compliant;

- delay or refusal of medical treatment;

- discomfort or nervousness around caregiver or relative;

- substance abuse; and

- avoidance of eye contact.

LEGAL INTERVENTION

Legal intervention in cases of child emotional abuse and neglect is governed by provincial and territorial child protection legislation.

All jurisdictions require that alleged or suspected child emotional abuse or neglect be reported to child protection authorities or the police. In some jurisdictions, failure to report child emotional abuse or neglect may result in a fine or imprisonment.

Emotionally abusive behaviour such as repeatedly following the other person or someone known to her or him; repeatedly communicating, directly or indirectly, with the other person or someone known to her or him; harassing the other person with telephone calls; besetting or watching the other person's house or place of work; and / or engaging in threatening conduct directed at the other person or a member of her or his family is criminal harassment.

These behaviours must cause a person to fear for her or his safety or the safety of someone she or he knows.

Other forms of emotional abuse such as insulting, isolating, infantilizing, humiliating, and ignoring, although serious, are not criminal behaviours and cannot be prosecuted.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

If you are being abused, remember:

-You are not alone;

- It is not your fault;

- No one ever deserves to be abused; and

- Help is available.

if you suspect/know someone is being abused

- Listen;

- Believe;

- Support;

- Let the person know about available support services; and

- Report suspected or known child abuse or neglect to a child welfare agency or the police.

if you are a service provider:

Work with other organizations to:

- Increase awareness of emotional abuse;

- Address the needs of those who have been or are being emotionally abused; and

- Keep informed of resources and materials relating to intervention and prevention of abuse.

support

Services:

- 24 hour help-line or distress line;

- transition house or shelter;

- social service agency;

- child welfare or family services agency;

- police;

- legal aid service;

- health professional (e.g., nurse, doctor, dentist);

- community health centre;

- public health department;

- community counselling centre;

- home support agency;

- seniors' centre;

- community living association;

- friendship centre;

- religious/spiritual organization.

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF ABUSIVE MEN

72% of American suicides are committed by white males; black men prefer homicide. (This suggests white men blame themselves and black men blame others: white neurotics, black psychotics.) Prisons overflow with men, and juvenile detention centers teem with boys; remedial readers are, in 90% of cases, male, as are those diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, substance abusers, and the violent. Rates of injury are three times as high for males. The lives of men are eroded by frustration inhibition perversion.

A white collar drug addict remarked: My work is so boring that it's really hard to do it if you're not hung-over in some way. My friend tried to not do drugs for a while and he was, like, "This is a nightmare! I have to sleep eight hours a day! I'm tired all the time! I wake up and it takes me three hours to get up, and then I'm tired in the afternoon."

Men are dying of loneliness, and no one knows.

- from The Eclipse: A Memoir of Suicide by Antonella Gambotto

Labels: definitions, emotional abuse, hurt, liars, male, verbal abuse, women

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