Sanctuary for the Abused
Saturday, September 29, 2018
Dealing with an Affair
AFFAIRS: Common Patterns in Dealing with Them
by Peggy Vaughan
Based on hearing the personal experiences of so many people during the past 24 years, I have come to recognize some typical patterns that often appear, regardless of the specific situation. Here are a few key points that seem to be quite common (both for the person having an affair and for the spouse):
1. Person having an affair: Keeping the affair "separate" from the rest of life. Many people having affairs "compartmentalize" their lives and keep their family relationship and "outside" relationships separate in their own mind—as if one has nothing to do with the other. They even keep more than one "outside" relationship separate from one another.
2. Spouse: Being "crushed, humiliated and in pain" are almost always the reactions to learning of a partner's affair (even if there was a suspicion beforehand, but even moreso if there was no suspicion). The most common word used is "devastation."
3. Person having an affair: Flatly denying an affair and/or not communicating about the affair once it's discovered. There seems to be an unwritten rule among people having affairs: "Never tell. If questioned, deny it. If caught, say as little as possible." This includes blaming the other person for the affair "He/She tempted me" or "He/She made it up - it never happened."
4. Spouse: Having a difficult time understanding how/why this happened; struggling with the feeling that this doesn't "make sense." (Affairs are not based on being rational; in fact, people having affairs tend to "rationalize" their behavior in order to feel OK about themselves.)
5. Person having an affair: Wanting to "put it behind us" and go on instead of dealing with it and trying to work through it.
6. Spouse: Losing a lot of weight and having a hard time simply functioning. In fact, the struggle to physically deal with the pain and loss is the first order of business for most people.
7. Both: Wanting to find a quick/easy solution to the upheaval caused by an affair. Seeing a therapist can help, but getting over the pain of the situation and rebuilding trust takes a lot of time and work. It can't be rushed. Some factors that make a difference are: willingness to answer questions and hanging in through the inevitable emotional impact. There is the changing contact with the other person or reframing the relationship with the other person, if you lied your way into the affair or they were a friend to start with. (These are not absolute, but usually indicate a willingness to resolve this issue instead of trying to bury it alive, where it just keeps coming back.)
8. Both: Wanting some "guarantee" that it won't happen again. There is no simple one-time action that can provide protection. Preventing an affair in the future requires a commitment to ongoing honest communication.
Labels: affairs, cheating, cover up, denial, minimizing, pain, spouse, trauma
Thursday, March 01, 2018
THE DANGERS OF ONLINE DATING
by Donna Anderson
1. Worldwide, there are 1.8 billion Internet users. It is reasonable to assume that, as in the general population, 1% to 4% of them are sociopaths/narcissists or psychopahs. That means there between 14 million and 72 million sociopaths/narcissists or psychopaths online—all trolling for victims.
2. Sociopaths, Narcissists and Psychopaths target lonely people. If you’re looking for a relationship online, you are advertising the fact that you’re lonely. You are setting yourself up to be exploited.
3. When filling out an online dating profile, you provide information about yourself and what you are looking for. Sociopaths, Narcissists and Psychopaths take the information and pretend to be the person of your dreams. They use the information that you posted to seduce you.
4. Sociopaths, Narcissists and Psychopaths typically register on multiple dating sites simultaneously. They keep baiting the hook until someone bites.
5. The Internet is anonymous. It is impossible to know for sure with whom you are corresponding. Some people post gorgeous photos in their profiles, which are actually photos of models stolen from elsewhere on the Internet.
6. Experts believe that 65% to 90% of human communication is nonverbal—facial expressions, gestures, body language, tone of voice. That means in communication via the web or e-mail, 65% to 90% of the meaning is missing. With so much information missing, people interpret a communication to mean what they want it to mean.
7. Because communicating over the Internet is anonymous, it creates a sense of safety. You feel like you can confess your hopes and dreams to a stranger.
8. Sociopaths, Narcissists and Psychopaths say what their targets want to hear. Often, they are lying. But humans can detect a lie only 53% of the time—the same as flipping a coin.
9. So here’s what happens when you look for romance online:
- You provide information about yourself by filling out the dating profile.
- You communicate with someone, but 65% to 90% of the meaning is missing.
- You pour out your heart and soul, and it feels good.
- The person responds, and you interpret everything to mean what you want it to mean.
- You fall in love with your own fantasy.
SOURCE
Labels: affairs, anonymity, dangerous, fantasy, lying, narcissist, online affair, online dating, online predator, online stalking, psychopath, sociopath, targets
