Sanctuary for the Abused

Sunday, January 17, 2021

How They Exploit Others

(note from site owner: this wonderful description deception & exploitation can also apply to narcissists, sociopaths and other types of abusers)

Modes of Sociopathic Deception and Manipulation

by Jennifer Copley

Psychopaths, also known as sociopaths, comprise 20-25% of the prison population, but 50% of those who have committed serious crimes. However, the majority of psychopaths are not violent — most are users, scam artists and shady businesspeople. There is some evidence that psychopaths may be overrepresented in the fields of business, politics and entertainment.

Targeting the Vulnerable
Psychopaths are good at spotting exploitable vulnerabilities in others. Many psychopathic scam artists seek lonely individuals and promise them a lifetime of love and partnership. Others target the grief-stricken or those who have suffered a recent setback or breakup and are therefore less apt to look closely at what appears to be a compassionate helping hand.

Alternatively, psychopaths may exploit someone’s need to be needed, finding a motherly or fatherly soul that they can milk for sympathy and cash. They are also inclined to marry people with low self-esteem and convince them that they are somehow to blame for any abuse they suffer in the marriage.

The Sympathy Ploy
Psychopaths usually play on the sympathies of others. When people’s empathic responses are aroused, they are less inclined to scrutinize an individual’s behaviour, or they will attribute bad behaviour to an abusive childhood or other trauma. This provokes the sort of nurturing response that enables the psychopath to manipulate and extract what he wants from others.

While often appearing cold and deadpan, when they are trying to manipulate others, psychopaths often engage in dramatic, short-lived emotional displays designed to provoke sympathy or guilt, or even cause people to believe that they must be crazy for questioning the psychopath’s motives.

Psychopaths say whatever will get people to give them what they want. Many work hard to give the impression that all of their problems stem from cruel treatment at the hands of others, and that they could change for the better if only some kindly soul would take an interest in them and support them.

They usually reward these people by breaking their hearts and cleaning out their bank accounts, as well as ...abusing them ...

The Dynamic Persona
The psychopath can be an exciting companion at first because he takes risks that others wouldn’t take and thus can appear courageous and impressive. Psychopaths often pose as brilliant eccentrics, misunderstood geniuses or difficult artistic types, and so people are inclined to attribute bad behaviour to a creative temperament.

Self-assured, cool under pressure and socially adept, they may appear larger than life. Their tendency to maintain intensive eye contact and move into the personal space of others enhances the image of forcefulness and confidence.

Because many psychopaths have a surplus of charm and the gift of gab, they are able to dazzle their audiences and con them into believing all sorts of outrageous stories. Excellent self-promoters and fast talkers, they boast and dazzle their targets with a variety of grandiose plans.

The target usually experiences a wild ride and is left disappointed, financially poorer and wondering how everything the psychopath said could have seemed so plausible at the time.

The Flatterer
In The Miser, Moliere noted that “People can be induced to swallow anything, provided it is sufficiently seasoned with praise.” A common tool of the psychopath is excessive flattery. Most people enjoy receiving compliments, and those who suffer from either low self-esteem ...can be particularly vulnerable to this sort of approach.

Beware of those who tell you everything you want to hear all the time. A compliment or two is nice, but someone who continually peppers the conversation with flattery should be suspect.

Excuses and Empty Promises
A psychopath does not keep his commitments or obligations. He breaks his word, stands people up, abandons those who care about him at critical times in their lives, cheats with impunity, and makes promises he has no intention of delivering on to get what he wants.

Psychopaths may disappear and reappear in the lives of friends and family, causing worry and heartbreak, without ever adequately explaining what they’ve been up to. However, they always have excuses, and it is always someone else’s fault.

Psychopaths abandon their partners, spouses and children without the slightest concern. And while many don’t commit crimes for which they can be convicted, they often live what could be termed as a sub-criminal existence, engaging in a variety of secretive and shady dealings.

When they do achieve success, it is usually through causing harm to others. Their lack of commitment to anything is evident in the many contradictory and hollow statements they make.

However, they hang onto the people in their lives by promising to change, or even changing, briefly, only to revert back to their old ways in time.

SOURCE

(personal thanks to Jennifer Copley!)

Labels: abuse, brainwashing, cheating, emotional rape, exploitation, gaslighting, harm, lie, narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, use, vulnerable

shared by Barbara at 12:52 AM 5 comments

The Most Dangerous Emotion After a Break-Up

by Marcy Miller

Hope is a four letter word. It is the enemy of the newly broken-hearted.

I had two failed marriages and two broken engagements under my belt, but I was fortunate to sit next to the man of my dreams on a flight to the west coast. After bi-coastal dating and then living with him for a year, we married and I practiced law while he was establishing himself in the investment world. After four years, I was stricken with breast cancer. It was a tough year of treatment, but he was there for me throughout my successful battle. His love and support were heroic. Finally, I had found my soulmate.

Or so I thought.

We moved to LA at the end of my treatment and started a new life together. I caught him cheating five years later. I confronted him, hoping that that the prospect of losing me and his comfortable life would jolt him out of his mid-life madness and return him to my arms, wiser and more loving than ever. But there is that pesky word, "hope," rearing its ugly head. As I hung on to the false hope of reconciliation and love evermore, he was playing contrite husband with me and banging her at the Four Seasons Hotel.

Several weeks later, he suggested that we take one last trip to New York to try to mend our relationship and move forward. I hoped (again) that he was sincere and that our ten years together could outweigh this month of deceit. New York held many wonderful memories for us, and I was looking forward to the opportunity to have him to myself in a romantic environment.

He had arrived a few days earlier and checked into the Peninsula Hotel. I was to meet him the evening that I arrived for dinner at Nobu. I breezed into the bar at the appointed hour, dressed for seduction, and proceeded to wait for an hour and a half. There were no calls or texts and he was unreachable. I hoped (again) that he was delayed by important work-related meetings.

Just as I was about to return to the hotel, he burst into the restaurant, breathless and full of excuses. Even though this was an ominous beginning to our reunion, I hoped (!) that he was telling the truth.

The next morning, he left at the crack of dawn, long before we could have breakfast in bed. As I began to dress for my day of shopping and a Broadway matinee, I noticed a scrap of paper on the desk. While the message was illegible, the bottom of the note contained the St. Regis Hotel monogram.

On a hunch, I called the St. Regis and asked for the room of his mistress. She answered the phone. I hung up, promptly threw up in the trash can, packed my bags and flew home.

So why do I dislike hope so much?

1. It leads to devastating decisions. I knew that the marriage was over, and I still agreed to go to New York. It resulted in one of the most emotionally painful moments of my life, and while I do not blame myself for his abhorrent behavior, I would never have put myself in that position had I not had hope.

2. It halts the healing process. I could have started mourning the loss of my marriage, rather than dreaming of a reconciliation that was never in the picture.

3. It stalls the formulation of exit strategies, such as leasing a post office box, opening a new bank account, locating and preserving records and retaining a divorce lawyer -- engaging in the next steps instead of being mired in a dead relationship.

4. It shuts out important messages from the universe. I knew in my gut that the marriage was over, but I allowed hope to drown out all of the messages that I was receiving to move on.

SOURCE

Labels: broken, cheating, divorce, emotional healing, enemy, exit strategy, hopeless, narcissist, psychopath, reconciliation, sociopath, toxic hope

shared by Barbara at 8:20 PM 5 comments

Dealing with an Affair

AFFAIRS: Common Patterns in Dealing with Them
by Peggy Vaughan
Based on hearing the personal experiences of so many people during the past 24 years, I have come to recognize some typical patterns that often appear, regardless of the specific situation. Here are a few key points that seem to be quite common (both for the person having an affair and for the spouse):

1. Person having an affair: Keeping the affair "separate" from the rest of life. Many people having affairs "compartmentalize" their lives and keep their family relationship and "outside" relationships separate in their own mind—as if one has nothing to do with the other. They even keep more than one "outside" relationship separate from one another.

2. Spouse: Being "crushed, humiliated and in pain" are almost always the reactions to learning of a partner's affair (even if there was a suspicion beforehand, but even moreso if there was no suspicion). The most common word used is "devastation."

3. Person having an affair: Flatly denying an affair and/or not communicating about the affair once it's discovered. There seems to be an unwritten rule among people having affairs: "Never tell. If questioned, deny it. If caught, say as little as possible." This includes blaming the other person for the affair "He/She tempted me" or "He/She made it up - it never happened."

4. Spouse: Having a difficult time understanding how/why this happened; struggling with the feeling that this doesn't "make sense." (Affairs are not based on being rational; in fact, people having affairs tend to "rationalize" their behavior in order to feel OK about themselves.)

5. Person having an affair: Wanting to "put it behind us" and go on instead of dealing with it and trying to work through it.

6. Spouse: Losing a lot of weight and having a hard time simply functioning. In fact, the struggle to physically deal with the pain and loss is the first order of business for most people.

7. Both: Wanting to find a quick/easy solution to the upheaval caused by an affair. Seeing a therapist can help, but getting over the pain of the situation and rebuilding trust takes a lot of time and work. It can't be rushed. Some factors that make a difference are: willingness to answer questions and hanging in through the inevitable emotional impact. There is the changing contact with the other person or reframing the relationship with the other person, if you lied your way into the affair or they were a friend to start with. (These are not absolute, but usually indicate a willingness to resolve this issue instead of trying to bury it alive, where it just keeps coming back.)

8. Both: Wanting some "guarantee" that it won't happen again. There is no simple one-time action that can provide protection. Preventing an affair in the future requires a commitment to ongoing honest communication.

Labels: affairs, cheating, cover up, denial, minimizing, pain, spouse, trauma

shared by Barbara at 12:25 AM 1 comments

If He/ She REALLY Wants to Change

There are two main principles to keep in mind when deciding how much potential an abuser has to become a kind, respectful partner in the long run:

1. He cannot change unless he deals deeply with his entitled and superior attitudes. No superficial changes that he may make offer any real hope for the future.

2. It makes no difference how NICE he is being to you, since almost all abusers have nice periods. What matters is how RESPECTFUL and NONCOERCIVE he chooses to become.

Holding on to these fundamental points, you can use the following guide to help you identify changes that show promise of being genuine. We are looking for "yes" answers to these questions.

Has he learned to treat your opinions with respect, even when they differ strongly from his?

Is he accepting your right to express anger to him, especially when it involves his history of mistreating you?

Is he respecting your right to freedom and independence? Does that include refraining from all interference with your friendships and giving up the demand to always know where you are and whom you are with?

Has he stopped making excuses for his behavior, including not using your behavior as an excuse fo his?

Is he being respectful about sex, applying no pressure and engaging in no guilt trips?

Has he stopped cheating or flirting with other women, or using other behaviors that keep you anxious that he will stray?

Does he listen to your side in arguments without interupting, and then make a serious effort to respond thoughfully to your points, even if he doesn't like them?

Have you been free to raise your grievances, new or old, without retaliation from him?

Has he stopped talking about his abuse as if it were an accident and begun to acknowledge the he used it to control you?

Is he actually responding to your grievances and doing something about them (for example, changing the way he behaves toward your children)?

Has he greatly reduced or eliminated his use of controlling behaviors (such as sarcasm, rolling his eyes, loud disgusted sighs, talking over you, using the voice of ultimate authority, and other demostrations of disrespect or superiority) during conversations and arguments?

When he does slip back into controlling behavior, does he take you seriously when you complain about it and keep working on improving?

Is he being consistent and responsible in his behavior, taking into account how his actions affect you without having to be constantly reminded?

Is he acting noticeably less demanding, selfish, and self-centered?

Is he being fair and responsible about money, including allowing you to keep you own assets in your own name?

Has he stopped any behaviors that you find threatening or intimidating?

Has he significantly expanded his contribution to household and child-rearing responsibilities and stopped taking your domestic work for granted or treating you like a servant?

Has he begun supporting your strengths rather than striving to undermine them?

Have you had any major angry argument with him in which he has shown signs fo a new willingness to conduct himself nonabusively?

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Clear Signs of An Abuser Who ISN'T Changing

*He says he can only change if you change too.

*He says he can only change if you "help" him change, by giving him emotional support, reassurance and forgiveness, and by spending a lot of time with him. This often means that he wants your to abandon any plans you had to take a break from seeing him.

*He criticizes you for not realizing how much he has changed.

*He criticizes you for not trusting that his change will last.

*He criticizes you for considering him capable of behaving abusively even though he in fact had done so in the past (or has threatened to) as if you should know that he "would never do something like that", even though he has.

*He reminds you about the bad things he would have done in the past but isn't doing anymore, which amounts to a subtle threat.

*He tells you that you are taking too long to make up your mind, that he can't "wait forever", as a way to pressure you not to take the time you need to collect yourself and to assess how much he's really willing to change.

*He says, "I'm changing, I'm changing," but you don't feel it.

Be Straight with Yourself

To use good judgement and make wise decisions about the prospect of change in your abusive partner, you need to be honest WITH YOURSELF. Because you love him, or you have children with him, or leaving would be difficult for other reasons, you may be sorely tempted to get overly hopeful about small concessions that he finally makes.

If he doesn't budge for five years, or twenty years, and then he finally moves an inch, your ehaustion can make you think, Hey! An inch! That's progress! You may wish to overlook all the glaring signs indicating that his basic attitudes and strategies remain intact. Beware of his deception and your own self-deception.

I have heard such heart-rending sadness in the voices of many dozens of abused women who have said to me, "I wish I could somehow recover all those years I wasted waiting around for him to deal with his issues." Save yourself that sadness if you can, by insisting on nothing less than complete respect.

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The previous was excerpted from the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, pgs 346-351

(Bancroft wrote this in the male gender. Your abuser may well be female.)

Labels: abuser, change, cheating, entitlement, excuses, freedom, kindness, listen, respect