Sanctuary for the Abused

Thursday, March 05, 2020

Destroying the Lives of Others

Narcissists expect and demand that the ones nearest and dearest to them, tolerate, admire, love, and cater to their needs. They expect others to be at their immediate disposal. Their behavior is obnoxious, aloof and indifferent and they fully realize this. Narcissists test the mental limits of people's patience. Individuals in a relationship with a narcissist feel something is not “quite right,” and many seek answers to the unsettling experience of day to day contact with a narcissist.

Narcissistic individuals do not tend to be physically abusive although there are some out there that are. Their worst weapon is their mouth. With their mouth they spit verbal negations and dispense emotional abuse. Their vocal cords are their method of attempting to control others.

Narcissists do not have the emotional capacity to provide support or understanding to others. There are numerous defense mechanisms which narcissists use to confuse and unbalance those around them. Organization is unknown to narcissistic individuals and they avoid future plans if it concerns pleasing another for some reason not evident to them.

They do not want anyone thinking highly of them for several reasons. First, their sense of self as special, unique and deserving keeps them grounded at maintenance level in their relationships. Maintenance level is just enough, just in time to keep the folly of the relationship moving forward, but just enough and no more. To expend more energy on the relationship would cause others to feel some degree of predictability in the whole affair. Contributing to the happiness of the ones they already envy for having the ability to feel love is not a an activity in which narcissists wish to participate.

Second, if another thinks highly of the narcissist then there are expectations which that person has that the narcissist must fulfill. The narcissist, however, does not intend to fill anyone's expectations except that of his/her own.

Happiness, joy, and the effort to please others is not normally undertaken by the narcissist except in the beginning or potential ending of a relationship. At either of these points, the narcissist may be charming, helpful, pleasing, and amusing beyond imagination. But, this effort is only used to obtain a new narcissistic supply source or to win back the affection of an important source if abandonment appears eminent. At all other times, the narcissist believes his/her presence, is clearly and abundantly sufficient to maintain the loyalty, trust, affection and respect of those which the narcissist already considers his/her object. So, the narcissist will postpone, withhold or procrastinate the continuing efforts that are essential to maintaining any kind of meaningful relationship. A narcissistic person is unable to fake the emotion of love for another for a long period of time. This impairs the capacity for a committed relationship with a narcissist. Therefore, marital instability and promiscuity are prominent in those with NPD.

Narcissists can perform obligations in the global areas of their lives and with strangers quite well. But, with those individuals they have already captured, they find the expenditure of civil treatment taxing to their mental reserve and not really necessary. They routinely display to their captured objects their worst traits. These may include abuse of alcohol, sex, verbal negations or other behaviors that tend to keep people at a distance and not allow any close interpersonal strength to develop. This is evident in the narcissists relationships with their wives/husbands, girlfriends/boyfriends, children, brothers, and sisters.

Narcissists will never accept the blame for anything that happens in a relationship. They are quite ready to blame the other person involved. They expect to be the center of attention in a relationship and demand their every wish be fulfilled by their partner.

Don't expect the narcissist to get better with age. By the time they are old they have pushed everyone who has ever tried to care about them away. Their narcissistic characteristics also seem to increase after the death of parents or loss of others that have exerted some type of control over them.

A relationship with a narcissist can at times be fun and invigorating. After the relationship has come to an end, for the non-disordered, there maybe a feeling of let down or boredom. A relationship with a narcissist is like a roller coaster ride--there are extreme highs and lows. Be thankful the relationship has ended. The best advice for anyone who is presently involved with a narcissist is to RUN! The relationship won't get better. Also, it's better to get out before the narcissist snatches away all your self-esteem. Remember, their worst weapon is their mouth.

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shared by Barbara at 12:12 AM



Now what grade were we taught this pertinent, life-affecting information in? I must have missed this year or been in a ptsd induced fog brought on by my psychopathic/narcissistic dad and sister. Bummer, it could have changed my life.

11:24 AM  

I was commanded to be loving and undemanding. Decades of trying my best. My life is ruined.

2:59 PM  

My narc lost his dad (First parent death, and by the way told his dad years ago to f/o and that he wasn't his dad any cries to everyone that his dad is gone) 7 months ago. He is now drinking every day,(all my fault he have to put up with me), sexually has started to treat me like a common hooker,(I won't have sex with him now as a result), I am a volunteer for hospice and am now sarcastically told what a "wonderful humanitarian" I am. I have been with this man 12 years and it has ALWAYS been a struggle (and YES...a "roller coaster ride" where too many times to count...I would think one person had walked in the door from work...only to find quite another unexpectedly there 10 minutes later)...but this person now has kicked it up 10 notches and I just don't have the strength to go even another 5!!!

10:38 AM  

Me too, wish I had this understanding of my parent(s) when I was a kid. Now I am forty and recovering from my most recent relationship with a narcissist partner which ended two years ago and still my life is a mess/ruined.

1:39 PM  

I think this needs to be taught in school. My narc has literally ruined my life and left me the shell of the person I once was. I actually felt better immediately post break than I do today, months later. Their complete lack of a soul is horrifying to any sane, non-intrinsically evil human. He's a monster and I often long for him to kill himself, it would be the only kind thing he's ever done for others.

11:22 AM  

I could have written this word for word. I got out...trying to get a life. 30 years! What is wrong with me to put up with it for so long. Wouldn't let me work. I am broke. Living with daughter. Still...even without med ins and having my very first kidney stone stuck requiring er care....his a far better choice. I do miss the freedom of medical insurance right now.
I even said once... I should have stayed with him for the coverage! I need therapy. The divorce was just last year..Aug'13.

9:03 AM  

It's taken 4 years for me to totally convince myself, throug copious amounts YouTube videos and blogs like this one, that I'm married to a N. Educate yourself on this disorder/monster and free yourself from the burden of hope for these people, if that's what you insist on calling them.
Just this morning my N called me "crazy" an "a-hole" and told me to fuck off. Apoplgized by saying I was coming at him and walking funny through the house. What he saw was him not getting to me and that means he's mad.
Want to make them miserable too? Be Happy. That's it. Want to feed their supply? Confront their behavior and all the ways they hurt you and everything you are willing to do for them, they love it.
Love yourself!

2:55 PM  

My mother is a narcissist. I am 43 and have never had healthy relationships with friends, boyfriends and my daughter doesn't speak to me anymore. I just can't imagine what it would be like to happy.

10:17 PM  

met this very unattractive guy online...not my type at all...
thought he was just jovial ,unique,charming
before I knew it ...he made me fall for him with his amazing writing skills , attention ,warmth ....connection ....basically
confessing love to me ......he lied so good .....
I think he almost wanted to believe in things he wrote......a l m o s t .....
i swallowed the hook it was just so good ...

yet it meant absolutely nothing to him .......
I was just one of many .....
part of me tells myself he has disorder and it will never change .....
part of me still can not believe it ...
I have an advantage of knowing who he is /NSA/ but other women he seduces will not know that and it will bring them a lot of misery......I am sure about it ......

12:49 PM  

Wife and Best Friend both have NPD I have tried so hard for so many years to always help. And nothing ever came of it they promise to change to help, and that they love you. But in the end if you let them which I did they take everything you have they force you against your family, tell lies to your friends. And even force you out of home until all you have is them. Awful the worst people possible if you have someone you love who is like this stop giving in change your life right now. I am so weak my words mean nothing anymore I failed to see this problem and simply leave. Do what you must If they threaten suicide when you leave tell them it won't be your problem. Actually don't even say goodbye just move AWAY

9:01 PM  

I wish i knew about Narcissists sooner. omg they are the worst people on the planet. I am still trying to divorce and get out of a 8yrs of hell marriage with one. She is poison a ablolute curse to humanity. My poor kids have suffered enough and i wish i wised up sooner to get them away from this horrible person. I know the worst is yet to come because now i have filed for divorce its like she has turned into satan. so nasty and evil i cant believe it. NO REGARD FOR ANYONE NOT EVEN HER OWN KIDS even though she thinks she does. she is also a drunk. I cant wait to see the back of her and give my kids a positive start in life and i know its not too late. But she can go back to hell where she came from if she think im gonna let anything she does break me. Bring it on. Knowledge is power and i know what you really are.

5:05 PM  

I wanted to believe the father of my son could truly love us. Fortunately, I could start seeing through all of the BS when I was pregnant. He had me sleeping on the couch with the baby while he slept in the large bed so that he could get sleep for work. This was immediately after I gave birth. It's horrifying to think he could treat me like this after just giving birth to our beautiful son, and making me feel like I needed to "do my part" by making these types of sacrifices in my health and comfort. Absolutely horrifying that someone could be so selfish, and manipulate me to believe it was right. I wanted to be a good girlfriend and take care of my family, so I made a lot of sacrifices.

It wasn't completely obvious though until we started couples counseling. He would spend the whole hour angry about what an awful person I am, trying to get the therapist to side with him, while I just quietly entertained our 8 month old child. When I realized he wasn't even trying to hide his behavior it occurred to me that he thought his behavior was perfectly fine.

Once I was sooo close to gaining financial independence by starting my own dog walking business, he decided to bail, leaving me with no money, nothing. Just two dogs and a baby to figure out on my own how to care for.

Both of my parents are narcissists, so in a way all of this was like "home" to me, because I was blinded by familiarity.

All of you are so strong. Stay that way. I have thought about ending it all, being in such a state of despair, but the only choice, especially with children, is just to take it day by day, and verrrry little by very little. There is a future after this type of victimization and there is recovery. Just keep pushing forward. Lots of love from Seattle.

2:23 AM  

Married two narcissists, mother was one, too. Ex finally died but not before torturing us with. 14 yrs of abuse thru the courts. Current husband still nasty as ever even,though I've been Away for almost 5 months. Ruined my lip and face for life. Ex ruined my nose. Mentally challenged since husband number two destroyed me. Daughter still lives w him and has become,abusive, too. Csnt even manage to stay in a shelter. I have had more bAd happen since leaving him, but also stayed in touch for sake of daughters welfare. May have to give up on het, too.

10:53 PM  

So sorry to hear! Be strong! One day, this too shall pass and you will heave a sign of relief. Its only when you let go of evil, you will allow good to come into your life. Spend time with people who care about you. Get out of the evil den.

6:21 PM  

Stay strong! You will have to move on. Yes, it takes time. Secure yourself with good people and financially.

6:24 PM  

Are you still in contact with them?

1:31 AM  

I just had a little boy with a narc.
I was with him for a year and it nearly destroyed me.
Suffered through pregnancy.
Finally the day my baby was discharged he lashed out at the hospital.
I left him that day, came home with my baby boy and never looked back.
My baby was in Intensive care as he was 6 weeks early.
Narc didn't care. They don't care about anyone.
I've been in shock and confusion for a year now from witnessing his behaviour and the abuse he inflicted on me.

Looking forward to better days now.

We need to be able to see the narc signs right away, Never ever let anyone with NPD anywhere near us.

1:37 AM  

Sounds too familiar.
My baby is 5 weeks old.
I left narc when he lashed out at the hospital at us the day my baby boy was discharged.
He moved out the day baby came home with all his stuff.

It is shocking, I was blindsided but im done with that now.
Need to get some therapy for the pain, injustice and abuse but remember, There is so much love and light in us compared to them.
At least we are capable of healing.
They are not!

1:44 AM  

Hi☺ I'm 43 also and have a narcissistic mother. My life is a living hell. I would love to talk to you, as I've never known another person who is in this position besides myself and it sure is a lonely place to be. My name is Wendy and my number is 346-208-3107. Your probably not supposed to put your number on these sites, but I'm desperate to have another survivor to talk with. Thank you and i hope your life improves as you heal.

7:40 PM  

My world has been completely destroyed by one of these monsters. At the end of our "relationship", the vail lifted to all the red flags I had denied because of my love for this person. I made the mistake of calling her out on it all, not realizing what I was dealing with until it was far too late. This creature exhibits all the tell tale signs of a narcissist and far worse. She promotes herself as a "seeker of truth", bathes herself in buddhist like quotes as if she originated them, disguises herself as an enlightened, vitreous being, and the kicker…a victim of narcissists herself. Even at a distance to thousands of miles away (long distance relationship) she managed to infiltrate just about every aspect of my life, my friends, my (so called) family, my social realms directly and indirectly with her "social network". I could not go anywhere without or be with anyone in my life without 'feeling her presence". And in time all my relationships began to sour and fester, things just didn't seem right, began to be treated differently, and always with mention of this person. I felt helpless, there was nothing I could do. Im not one to just drop my trauma or story of heartbreak, but when things got to the point where I had felt that poison had been spoken about me, it was too late. No one would give me an ear, no one would hear me. Her "story" had been told, and there was no other version. And now years later, her "project" is complete. I find myself completely alone, no friends in my life, they are hers now, what "family" I had are now hers. My reputation in ruin because I've been made out to be the "crazy" one, probably the only truth to any of it because I've been driven crazy by it all, and driven to the most severe depth of depression and loneliness I have ever felt.
So word of advice, learn the signs!!! If you feel something isn't right about a person, DONT IGNORE YOUR INSTINCTS!!! Get as far away from that person as soon as you can and start engaging in damage control with everyone who is important to you. They WILL want to destroy you...

1:47 PM  

No, your life isn't ruined. Trying your best means you did what was right. It can be debilitating to say the least when you are the only one trying, the only one giving, the only one still holding on. But the fact that you care that much shows you have a heart and good intentions. Don't let them destroy you. You still have something to offer. You are that person who cares, who understands, who loves. You're the bigger person.

9:07 PM  

You have to get out. No one should feel used in a relationship.

9:09 PM  

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