Sanctuary for the Abused
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Mistakes Victims Make
"Mentor: Someone whose hindsight can become your foresight" -- anon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Not paying attention to...
My gut instinct that something was wrong.
Stories that didn't add up, or with different timeframes and characters - 2+2 not adding up.
The patterns forming in his behaviour.
Other people's warnings - believing him when he said they were "crazy" or "jealous."
The difference between what he said what he actually did and believing his lies.
The hatred others had of him.
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Failing to...
Obtain proof of the abuse.
Get independent legal counsel and representation.
Recognize and ignore his verbal bait and not controlling myself better and yelling at him.
Realized I was addicted to a painful relationship, and trauma-bonded and craving contact, I wish that I'd gone to a hypnotherapist or someone to get the strength and support to break away. Instead, I let the insanity go on until I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
See how emotionally fragile I am.
Acknowledge just how rapidly I could be replaced.
See he really is Mr. Hyde and allow contact still trying to find Dr. Jekyll.
Stay out of the Jerry Springer nightmare of his life, family, Xs, friends, co-workers.
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When he stopped caring about me, I stopped caring about myself too.
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I kept thinking...
Every time he raged would be the last time.
If I loved him enough..........
There was a certain level of behavior below which he would NOT stoop.
Deep down he really did care.
When the chips were down or I needed him, he would come through.
That if I could just explain how I felt or how his behavior was affecting that me he would see it and care.
I wasn't explaining things right to him to make him understand.
It was my fault.
It was something at work or something he would finally tell me about.
That I would find some kind of closure.
I had to be 'nice' to him.
He would put something back in my 'cup' because I had put so much from him.
That I didn't want to cause a 'scene' and felt I didn't have the right words to properly explain what was happening.
That I could get him 'back on track' somehow.
I could help him, that he needed my help. I did everything for him - he never even asked me, I just offered. Boy, did he see me coming.
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more mistakes:
Underestimating/not admitting, even to myself, what horrible and heartless things s/he is actually capable of.
Improperly assessing the potential for physical or psychological danger.
Taking too long to reach 'enough', and making those decisions I wish I'd made sooner.
Trying to rationalize and make sense of the insane endless chaos.
Looking for the litmus test to prove he really was mentally disordered when the signs were right in my face!
Overlooking the early red flags in his statements.
Doubting myself and my assessment of his pathology.
Believing he'd changed.
Minimizing the abuse and focusing on any past 'good' times
Not ending it at the first sign of abuse.
Getting involved and married too early/ too fast.
Not telling people about his abuse because I didn't want people to think poorly of him.
Behaving like my N and treating his next or last target poorly and, wanting to stay out of the situation, failing to provide support when it was needed.
Allowing sex drive to overcome reason.
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When you attempt to push a intellectual narcissist into sex or any type of intimacy, and he gets angry... but you still believe that maybe if you can just survive without intimacy it will all work out ok.
When you have sex with a sexual narcissist, realize that you are a mere object to him, and yet somehow tell yourself, "Maybe this is healthy??
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Fear of loneliness or believing my life wouldn't be better without him.
Wanting the 'package' deal he offered - the luxuries, trappings and lifestyle were too appealing to turn down - the risks seemed acceptable.
Feeling like I was the special one who could finally make him happy.
Feeling sorry for him, jumping in trying to help with his problems when he seemed to be floundering about.
Taking him back repeatedly.
(snip) We learn various coping tactics and want to try them out and end up in a predator/victim bond wasting our precious time trying to manage a personality disordered person we should be avoiding.
* * * * * *
Not seeing his attempts to isolate me from other people, friends and family.
Buying into his "poor me" routine.
Losing my identity.
Losing my self respect by staying and tolerating what he did.
Believing his lies. Being gullible and naive. Trusting him despite evidence to the contrary.
Wanting to believe he was my soul mate.
Giving in to rages. Not standing up to him and seeing the intimidation.
Not getting my child into therapy ASAP.
Underestimating how convincingly persuasive he could be - I took him back against common sense.
Gaining/losing weight, losing sleep, getting physically ill yet deciding he's still worth it.
When you create a fantasy illusion/idealization of him in your mind, just so you don't have to face the fact that he's NOT AT ALL the same as the idealized version you choose to percieve.
When you see signs he's an abuser, but delude yourself into thinking he's not.
Allowing him to run me down or call me degrading names, even "jokingly."
Allowing him to create self doubt and question myself way too much.
Procrastinating instead of making decisions.
Not using boundaries and limits - I wish I'd done it much sooner.
I stayed because of the children, thinking I could tolerate it until they were adults.
Seeing the objectification of me as he would tell other people his exciting news about himself - not me.
Ignoring the ticking time bomb of his financial irresponsibility.
I should have sought friendship... not the "spark" or "thrill."
Not having my own 'rainy day' money set aside.
Believing him when he said I was crazy, upset, wrong.
Not respecting, finding, using and realizing my own strengths.
Trying to find some logical reason for his bizarre behaviour.
Not insisting on respect, equal treatment.
Letting him live by double and sometimes triple standards.
Being too forgiving.
Asking HIM for forgiveness, and apologizing for things that weren't even wrong.
Falling for the sob stories and pity parties.
* * * * * *
TAKING THE BAIT!!!!
At first it's subtle, hard to recognize. Let them do what they want. They just WANT your reaction. Don't give them the satisfaction. Even if you are upset, don't let them know it. It's what they want. Be upset here. Be upset to your friend. Be upset to your pet. But DO NOT LET THEM SEE IT!!
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Accepting his abusive or controlling behaviour so he wouldn't leave me.
Expecting normal responses, clarity and finally closure.
Putting money into someone's hand who even has the slightest chance of doing the wrong thing - I'll never again do that.
Co-mingling ANY assets. I will not do this again, with anybody.
Writing letters to him - I'll never put anything in writing again and telling him anything about myself - only to see him use it cruelly against me.
* * * * * *
Allowing myself (mind, body, spirit) to become so afraid of him -- literally afraid for my life, more afraid than I had the power to muster to fight back and stand like a soldier. I really fell apart and don't EVER want to do that again. I have vowed that *no* human will every make me that fearful again.
* * * * * *
My most critical error was accepting the second date!!!!
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The male gender is used. Your abuser may well be female.
FROM THIS SITE
Labels: abuse, arrogance, emotional abuse, errors, fear, lies, narcissists, sociopaths, verbal abuse
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
NEVER ASSUME YOU KNOW SOMEONE
by Natalie Lue
Over the past few days, a variety of things have had one particular word on my lips – assumptions. I’ve written before about the danger of holding assumptions that don’t have a basis especially when they haven’t actually got anything to do with the actual person, which you then in turn continue to base your perceptions and actions on, even when there is evidence that doesn’t support your assumptions.
The key times when I see assumptions creating issues is when:
We love and trust blindly based on assumptions which don’t hold true but we continue to ignore anyway as we prefer the illusion of the assumption.
We assume that someone who we feel attracted to possesses the values, qualities, and characteristics that some ‘we’ want to love should possess. We think ‘Wow I love that we can climb mountains, play football, and listen to John Mayer together’ and assume that makes you life partners even though it turns out, you don’t have shared values.
We look at people or a situation and make assumptions about it, not stopping to sanity check our perception.
A particular example of this is being with a guy and assuming that he’s a pillar of the community, liked by everyone and it’s just you that he’s a jackass with. But I’ve found on a number of occasions that much like how we apply a rosy glow and put people on pedestals, we apply it about their social standing too, possibly because we believe them to possess qualities or attributes that we think make likeable and popular people. What we may not realise is that sometimes these people are tolerated or maybe even liked, but not to the extent that we believe.
We make assumptions about how we think, feel, and act and assume that our partners think, feel, and act in the same way.
For example, people often say to me that they know that they wouldn’t do something so they assumed that their partners wouldn’t and even when they discovered that they did do what they thought they wouldn’t, refused to accept it. Instead, they became boggled by it or even denying it.
We assume that when we communicate something that the meaning is loud and clear and that everything we intended comes through.
In your mind, it makes sense and you hear you loud and clear. However, often, it can be that you’re speaking Chinese, they’re speaking French but you both don’t realise it and continue to assume that the other party is understanding you and become frustrated when they don’t. You’re assuming your communication style is understood or that it is even shared.
We assume that our partners understand why we are p*ssed off or hurt because we assume that people who love us and who want to make us happy know when we’re not happy, why, and how to fix it.
When they ‘fail’ to understand, we assume that it must mean that they don’t love us as much or that the relationship is doomed because they don’t instinctively know what your needs are…even if you don’t either.
We assume that what we are prepared to give in a relationship is what the other person needs because it’s what we are capable (or what we think we are) of giving.
Many of us give based on what we can give and assume our contribution is right or valuable even if it’s not what the other party needs. We can get very annoyed when our efforts are not appreciated even if it’s not what they wanted.
We assume scenarios or things that our partners would do in a hypothetical situation and get surprised when it turns out that actually, they wouldn’t.
We say stuff like ‘Oh well I know he wouldn’t have done that if he hadn’t had A happen to him’ and then feel blindsided when he says that he actually, he would’ve done.
It’s important not to base too much of your life on assumptions to ensure that you’re not just going through the motions of life reacting.
Not
assuming everything gives you pause for thought and you have a more
conscious, considered approach to life where you can be far more
empathetic because you truly put yourself in the other persons shoes or
consider them as an individual entity instead of looking at you both as a
unit that think, feels, and acts in tandem.
I also spoke with a couple who had a misunderstanding and while trying to explain their misunderstanding to me, assumption after assumption kept coming up and each and every one of them was misplaced – remember that you are individuals and that if you put aside the assumption making for a bit, you stand to really learn about each other and appreciate each other’s perspectives.
In life, we do have to make a reasonable level of assumptions. In dating and relationships for instance, you ideally need to go in with a reasonable level of trust and assume that it is well placed based on whatever initial perceptions you have.
Your interactions serve as a series of checks and balances – you’re either going to increase your trust because not only are they meeting or exceeding your assumptions, but they are giving you more reasons to feel trusting.
Or…you start out with a reasonable level of trust and your initial perceptions and you discover that the trust or perceptions are misplaced.
When we don’t go through life adjusting our assumptions and perceptions and applying our checks and balances, we end up loving and trusting blindly, and operating off an illusionary point.
It’s like operating your life in a fog where you’re really having relationships with your assumptions and reflections of how you’d like it to be or how you think it is, but not how it actually is.
And this is a good time to remind those of you who are partial to letting your imaginations run riot – The danger of being someone who gets caught up in illusions is that you’re not making assumptions based on perceptions of the person – you’re making assumptions based on the reflection of your imagination. Really, they could be anyone or you could replace them with a cardboard figure – you’re not seeing them, you’re seeing your illusions which makes it an assumptive illusionary relationship.
Part of what created my huge epiphany and changed my life forever, was realising that not only had I dated yet another emotionally unavailable guy in a barely there relationship for five months, but I had assumed that if he had pursued me off the back of him ending a very long term relationship, then he must want to be in a relationship.
In fact, it was not the first time I had assumed that if I was pursued or whispered sweet nothings (nothing being the operative word) to, that it must mean that they want me and are serious, when in actual fact, they wanted me but were not serious or were serious about being Mr Unavailables and assclowns. It took me five months to let go of my assumption but my assumption had actually been challenged and shattered about two weeks after we got together and he started blowing hot and cold and easing his way out of whatever we had started.
If I had not only registered my discomfort but acknowledged it, I would have realised that I was wasting my own time in my own little assuming illusionary bubble.
I still have to make assumptions and so do you because you know what? – We haven’t got all the time in the world to be questioning and second-guessing every move.
We need to invest ourselves in relationships where there are shared core primary values and mutual love, care, trust, and respect and there are two parties living congruent with their values and being authentic. At least then when you make assumptions, they’ll be honest ones grounded in reality and when things shift or you have an error in judgement, you’ll be quick to acknowledge and adjust your perception.
While sometimes letting go misplaced of assumptions (and illusions) signals bad news because it turns out that the reality isn’t good for us, the flipside is that letting go of misplaced assumptions frees you up to enjoy reality.
If you’re making assumptions about your partner, not based on who they are or your experience but on other partners, or other experiences, and your beliefs, you’re missing out on the opportunity to get to know them as they are, and at least make your assumptions on them. Don’t limit yourself to a life based on assumptions that you don’t challenge, especially if they’re negative beliefs you’re holding on to and validating through a self-fulfilling prophecy. In fact, don’t limit yourself or you will end up in limited relationships with limited people having limited experiences based on…you guessed it…assumptions.
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Labels: assumptions, belief, erroneous, errors, illusionary, judgment, misinterpretation, narcissist, online dating, smear, sociopath
