Sanctuary for the Abused
Monday, April 27, 2020
Goodbye, Martyr Man
By Melinda H.
"This is an excerpt from a letter that I wrote (but never sent, because he doesn't need more of my attention) to a manipulative jerk who is no longer part of my life. I am sending it on to you, in the hope that my experience could help someone else gain the mental clarity needed to broom some manipulator ass to the curb."
You will always be the victim, in every situation where someone tries to get close to you. You cannot relate to women as equals. You look for a strong-willed woman, latch on to her, but envy her strength and ability to express herself openly, so you attack her in vicious little ways. Ways so subtle that you can easily and convincingly deny any wrongdoing and make HER look like the crazy one for even suspecting that you are a passive-aggressive game player.
You played similar games with women before, and this was a chief motivator for their anger and "abuse" towards you. If they struck you physically, that was not right, but when you paint yourself as a martyr, you *always* fail to mention the emotional and psychological abuse you were inflicting on THEM.
That's right, Martyr. You are an abuser. You. Poor little cringing, eternally victimized you.
"But abusers scream, yell and hit, and I never do that!" you protest. "I'm not that way at all. I don't have the anger gene. I am completely incapable of anger."What you are incapable of is the truth. But I am capable of the truth and here it is.
You ARE capable of anger. In fact, you are a very angry person, as your father before you must have also been - he is clearly the one upon whom you have modeled your behavior. Like him, you were too intimidated by other people to express your anger openly, so you nursed your rage in secret and struck out instead in subtle little ways. If you were asked to do something, you made sure you "forgot" repeatedly or did a poor job. You no doubt carry this behavior on in your work and it is the reason most of the other employees don't like you. People tend not to like someone who does not do his share of the work and is sullen and resistant to new ideas. They are probably tired of your constant subterfuge and backstabbing. No doubt you also play the divide-and-conquer game, playing people off against one another.
You haven't said much about your mother, but I'll make a few educated guesses. She was a strong-willed woman who dominated you and your father, and you both resented it, but neither of you ever told her so directly. Neither of you had the courage to assert yourselves openly. So you both "got even" with her by lying, false promises, "forgetting" or otherwise sabotaging things she asked you to do, and/or withholding your attention and love. Your casual remark about what you did with her books after her death was quite breathtaking in its heartlessness.
Your mother was a model for how you view women today. As I have previously said, you go after women with strong, assertive personalities, because they fit your mother's model and because you admire them for the qualities that you yourself lack. However, you also hate them because they are strong and you are weak. Because you cannot assert yourself openly, you play psychological games designed to break them down, subvert their will, and subtly - invisibly - assert YOUR control.
That's right, Martyr Man. You want control. You are not able to control yourself and so you are controlled by others - but you resent it. So you get a feeling of control by manipulating situations with a deft, invisible hand. You "forget" that a woman asked you to do something. You "forget" NOT to do something she finds hurtful or disrespectful.
You remember to do the things YOU enjoy and want to do, and your friends think you're a great guy - the kind of guy who would do anything for his friends! (Of course you would - your reputation depends on maintaining an appearance of kindness and willingness, and anyone who doesn't know you WELL would say what a nice guy you are - you would do anything to maintain that image). But when your partner asks you to do something, you suddenly lose your memory. You wander off and fail to return, leaving her to wonder where the hell you are, getting off on her discomfort and distress. If she does something you REALLY don't like, such as attempt to leave you, you hint around at suicide and disappear, leaving her to agonize for days over your fate. Really, you're off hanging out with your buddies and drinking and having fun, but she doesn't need to know that, does she?
No doubt she has noticed the fact that after your initial, highly romantic and complimentary approach, you do a complete about-face once she's "hooked" - like Jerkily and Hyde. Once she's in a relationship with you, the kind and gentle and loving courtship behavior ceases, and the passive-aggressive battle begins. First, you begin by slowly and subtly creating distance between you - by spending less time with her every day (always her fault, because of something SHE did...) withholding your attention and affection, making sure she gets the message that your friends, your other interests, EVERYTHING else are more important to you than the person you called the love of your life. When she challenges you about this behavior, you deny it, and make her out to be irrational and crazy for even suspecting it. After all, the success of a passive-aggressive campaign depends on secrecy and camouflage.
You lie easily, leaving out little details like a wife you haven't yet legally severed ties to, and children that you almost never see. You haven't got a divorce, and you won't, because even though you hate your wife, you feel chained to her. You are dependent on her. It's a parasitic relationship. No doubt she was angry with you because you provoked her, getting a charge out of her frustration and rage, and taking full opportunity to twist the situation around until you could make yourself out to be the victim. I haven't the faintest doubt you have cheated on her many times and lied to her many times, and that was the real cause of the attack that so wounded you emotionally. You brought it on yourself, but you won't admit that part. She's completely evil, in your little fairy tale, and you are the innocent little lamb, incapable of even the slightest twinge of anger.
Every human being on this planet feels anger. You yourself have expressed anger many times to me, not the least of which was your last letter. Yet, you still cling to this desperate delusion that you are incapable of anger.
That's a lie, Mr. Martyr. One of many.
Lies undermine the trust that is vital to all relationships. But you don't care about that as long as you can feel in control. Even when control comes at the expense of love, and that is sad.
Nobody can get close to you, Martyr Man. You'll let them within a certain distance, but then you are frightened by intimacy and of your will being sublimated to another's because deep down inside you know you are not strong enough to assert your own will openly and directly. No wonder you hate bluntness, straightforwardness, truth. Those things rob you of your defense mechanisms and make you feel naked and helpless. You cannot trust another person. Instead, you use passive-aggressive techniques to distance yourself from others and gain control over them. You wither under direct confrontation, but when you are able to operate undetected, you are a cruel and effective bully.
Games You Play:
1. The forgetting game:
You are asked to do something you don't want to do. Instead of saying no, you either "forget" about it or sabotage it so badly that the results are useless. You enjoy the frustration this causes others - this is your sneaky way of asserting yourself and controlling the situation from behind the scenes.
2. The withholding game:
Once in a relationship with someone, you begin to selectively withhold your time and affection. The other person senses this pulling away and asks about it. You deny it. But you let them know, indirectly, that many other things are more important to you than they are - your friends, your work, your opera DVDs. You let them know this by leaving their company to pursue these interests without telling them you are doing so. You enjoy the feeling of being in control, knowing you have falsely promised someone your attention later in the evening and knowing you have no intention of fulfilling that promise. You will "forget" to come back, and enjoy your evening alone knowing you are ruining someone else's.
When the person confronts you about this treatment, you will act put out at the suggestion that your actions should live up to your words. You just can't remember to keep your promises! But you always remember the score you needed to finish, the DVD you needed to watch, the book you needed to read, the friends who needed your help. You know full well that this will have the effect of making your partner feel small and insignificant, and that's just the way you like your partner to feel - that way she will be more dependent on you, desperate for your attention, and under your control.
3. The lying game:
Lies roll smoothly off your tongue whenever you are confronted about your behavior and/or something you failed to mention about your past, such as being currently married and the father of two children (now that is a big thing to "forget", even if you alienated them so badly that they don't want to spend any time with you any more). Lying by omission is lying, pure and simple. But you didn't lie on purpose, you claim. No, you just forgot, or your emotional pain was so great that you just couldn't bear to tell the truth!
4. The deflecting game:
Partner becoming suspicious of your lies? No matter, just deflect the attention! Change the subject, wander off, or start ruthlessly (and falsely) putting yourself down so that she won't have the heart to be "mean" enough to pursue the matter any further. If she persists, then you play:
5. The martyr game:
This is your favorite game of all. This game allows you to escape responsibility for anything and everything by invoking your status as the most misunderstood, mistreated, helpless and victimized martyr who ever walked the earth. Nobody understands you or your pain! Don't they see that being a victim completely justifies the way you turn around and become a victimizer at will? Nobody could ever suspect poor little abused, tormented you of torpedoing relationships.
Nobody could expect such an innocent little lamb of deliberately causing emotional and psychological damage to others. Why, look at the way he cries and curls up into a helpless little ball when confronted (and when the lying and deflecting games don't work)! He could never harm ANYONE. He's so broken up over all the deaths in his family, even though they occurred YEARS ago and EVERYONE has to deal with death at some point in their lives. Broken up over the death of his friend, so much that he can't be held responsible for any of his lying, manipulative behavior. Because no one else ever suffered the way he has suffered. The Martyr has no pity or compassion for anyone else, since he saves it all for himself.
6. The superior game:
Unlike all the other people on Earth, you're incapable of anger. You're a regular Gandhi, full of kindness and respect for all, and it's such a tragedy that other people feel the need to get angry at you. You'd never push someone's buttons until they responded in anger and then deny any wrongdoing, setting them up to look like the emotional, crazy one. You'd never get satisfaction out of a nasty little game like that, because you're too superior. You're also superior to the rest of the world culturally - nobody is as sensitive and artistic as you, and nobody appreciates your kind of music, or appreciates it at such a lofty level. You especially love to pull this routine after you've seriously pissed somebody off. You respond with calm politeness - calm of course, since you have got the angry/upset reaction you were aiming for - and double-whammy the person by showing them how YOU never get angry because you are too superior a person to be capable of anger. If someone shows any personality trait that could be considered a flaw, you pull this same routine and let them know that YOU are incapable of such personality flaws, because YOU are so much better than they are.
No wonder you're so angry at being unmasked publicly. Your games depend on your victim not knowing what's going on.
You are not interested in confronting your problems or getting any help for them. You'd rather just float through life like a spineless jellyfish, stinging anyone who ventures too near. Your behavior patterns are firmly entrenched and you are too old to change.
I have no doubt you will continue this behavior pattern with the next woman you meet, and you will continue it until you drive her away, too. You like to drive women away - like to get them so fed up that they leave. That feeds your sickness in a number of ways:
it takes the burden of decision-making off of YOU;
* it enables you to play the martyr over being left by this cruel, horrible woman;
* it gets you sympathy from your next prospect.
You like hurting other people and you have no intention of changing. And that's why I left you.
And don't bother with the "I'm a wonderful sensitive human being who would never cause anyone harm; you've misunderstood me". Oh no. I have not. I have understood you at last.
I understand now how you messed with my mind and made me even fear for my own sanity, how you exploited me emotionally, how you hurt me to the point where I actually felt suicidal. I notice the neat sidestepping from any responsibility by you, how you discredit my (real) pain as a fake attempt to manipulate you. No wonder you would think this. It's called PROJECTION. It's what YOU would do in such a situation, so you project your own screwed up motives onto others.
For someone who is so wounded, so sensitive, so compassionate, so victimized, so gentle - your letters bristle with anger, threats, and nastiness. I thought you were incapable of such things, Gandhi. And you sure are lacking in any compassion at all for the women you've tormented - you have none for your wife and you have none for me. And no doubt you'll have none for your next victim.
You chose your life, and you choose to be this way. You choose it every day. You could change, and learn to be a person of truth, strength and integrity, but you choose not to. It's easier to sit in your shit and cry about how you are victimized while you are busy victimizing others. This is the life you've chosen. You have chosen to be unhappy, and to inflict unhappiness on others.
And *I* have chosen to kick your ass to the curb. Goodbye, Martyr Man, and good riddance.
Sincerely,
Melinda H.
FROM THIS GREAT SITE!
Labels: arrogance, blame, forgetting, gaslighting, goodbye, lying, martyr, projection, withholding
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Entitlement
If you want our daughter - she is mine.
If you want our house - its mine.
Because I wanted a new car - it was mine (but I did it only "for the family")
Because I wanted a new house - I'll keep it now.
Because you wanted out - you have no life, you are still mine and you do as I say.
Because I want our daughter/son - she/he is mine.
Because I am a great dad - you are automatically a bad mom.
Because you made me give up anything - I will pay you back and smash the house to pieces, before you get it.
Because I want to keep the car (which is mine), I won't pay the mortage.
Because I now have to pay you child support, you should be greatful for that money - because it is really mine.
Because I am her father - she is mine (at any costs) She is mine, she is mine - you will never have her, I'll tell everyone what a bad mother you really are - she is mine anyway.
If you want the house - come and get it, I changed the locks so you can't get in.
If you want to leave my country and need a suitcase - come and get it. I won't even let you.
You are mine until we die and I am so glad that you are gone, I'll pay you back for leaving me.
She is mine, I'll never let her live with you.
She is mine, I'll never agree to any school that you like because she is mine.
I am the best father, just look at me!
Look, I bought her a bike, a new toy - just look at the trashy clothes you wear.
You will never amount to anything.
You are useless. You are 'dopey'.
You need to get therapy, because you say that I drive too fast.
She is mine, she is mine - you'll never have her.
I'll drive as fast as I like and cut off any creep that cuts in, pay him back what he deserves.
Anyone who comes near my daughter will be shot.
She is mine, she is mine.
I am sick off you, I am glad you are gone, I hate the sight of you.
She is mine, she is mine.
(note: women can be just as abusive & narcissistic as men)
Labels: abuse, arrogance, entitlement, narcissism, objectification, psychopath, selfish
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Mistakes Victims Make
"Mentor: Someone whose hindsight can become your foresight" -- anon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Not paying attention to...
My gut instinct that something was wrong.
Stories that didn't add up, or with different timeframes and characters - 2+2 not adding up.
The patterns forming in his behaviour.
Other people's warnings - believing him when he said they were "crazy" or "jealous."
The difference between what he said what he actually did and believing his lies.
The hatred others had of him.
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Failing to...
Obtain proof of the abuse.
Get independent legal counsel and representation.
Recognize and ignore his verbal bait and not controlling myself better and yelling at him.
Realized I was addicted to a painful relationship, and trauma-bonded and craving contact, I wish that I'd gone to a hypnotherapist or someone to get the strength and support to break away. Instead, I let the insanity go on until I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
See how emotionally fragile I am.
Acknowledge just how rapidly I could be replaced.
See he really is Mr. Hyde and allow contact still trying to find Dr. Jekyll.
Stay out of the Jerry Springer nightmare of his life, family, Xs, friends, co-workers.
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When he stopped caring about me, I stopped caring about myself too.
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I kept thinking...
Every time he raged would be the last time.
If I loved him enough..........
There was a certain level of behavior below which he would NOT stoop.
Deep down he really did care.
When the chips were down or I needed him, he would come through.
That if I could just explain how I felt or how his behavior was affecting that me he would see it and care.
I wasn't explaining things right to him to make him understand.
It was my fault.
It was something at work or something he would finally tell me about.
That I would find some kind of closure.
I had to be 'nice' to him.
He would put something back in my 'cup' because I had put so much from him.
That I didn't want to cause a 'scene' and felt I didn't have the right words to properly explain what was happening.
That I could get him 'back on track' somehow.
I could help him, that he needed my help. I did everything for him - he never even asked me, I just offered. Boy, did he see me coming.
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more mistakes:
Underestimating/not admitting, even to myself, what horrible and heartless things s/he is actually capable of.
Improperly assessing the potential for physical or psychological danger.
Taking too long to reach 'enough', and making those decisions I wish I'd made sooner.
Trying to rationalize and make sense of the insane endless chaos.
Looking for the litmus test to prove he really was mentally disordered when the signs were right in my face!
Overlooking the early red flags in his statements.
Doubting myself and my assessment of his pathology.
Believing he'd changed.
Minimizing the abuse and focusing on any past 'good' times
Not ending it at the first sign of abuse.
Getting involved and married too early/ too fast.
Not telling people about his abuse because I didn't want people to think poorly of him.
Behaving like my N and treating his next or last target poorly and, wanting to stay out of the situation, failing to provide support when it was needed.
Allowing sex drive to overcome reason.
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When you attempt to push a intellectual narcissist into sex or any type of intimacy, and he gets angry... but you still believe that maybe if you can just survive without intimacy it will all work out ok.
When you have sex with a sexual narcissist, realize that you are a mere object to him, and yet somehow tell yourself, "Maybe this is healthy??
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Fear of loneliness or believing my life wouldn't be better without him.
Wanting the 'package' deal he offered - the luxuries, trappings and lifestyle were too appealing to turn down - the risks seemed acceptable.
Feeling like I was the special one who could finally make him happy.
Feeling sorry for him, jumping in trying to help with his problems when he seemed to be floundering about.
Taking him back repeatedly.
(snip) We learn various coping tactics and want to try them out and end up in a predator/victim bond wasting our precious time trying to manage a personality disordered person we should be avoiding.
* * * * * *
Not seeing his attempts to isolate me from other people, friends and family.
Buying into his "poor me" routine.
Losing my identity.
Losing my self respect by staying and tolerating what he did.
Believing his lies. Being gullible and naive. Trusting him despite evidence to the contrary.
Wanting to believe he was my soul mate.
Giving in to rages. Not standing up to him and seeing the intimidation.
Not getting my child into therapy ASAP.
Underestimating how convincingly persuasive he could be - I took him back against common sense.
Gaining/losing weight, losing sleep, getting physically ill yet deciding he's still worth it.
When you create a fantasy illusion/idealization of him in your mind, just so you don't have to face the fact that he's NOT AT ALL the same as the idealized version you choose to percieve.
When you see signs he's an abuser, but delude yourself into thinking he's not.
Allowing him to run me down or call me degrading names, even "jokingly."
Allowing him to create self doubt and question myself way too much.
Procrastinating instead of making decisions.
Not using boundaries and limits - I wish I'd done it much sooner.
I stayed because of the children, thinking I could tolerate it until they were adults.
Seeing the objectification of me as he would tell other people his exciting news about himself - not me.
Ignoring the ticking time bomb of his financial irresponsibility.
I should have sought friendship... not the "spark" or "thrill."
Not having my own 'rainy day' money set aside.
Believing him when he said I was crazy, upset, wrong.
Not respecting, finding, using and realizing my own strengths.
Trying to find some logical reason for his bizarre behaviour.
Not insisting on respect, equal treatment.
Letting him live by double and sometimes triple standards.
Being too forgiving.
Asking HIM for forgiveness, and apologizing for things that weren't even wrong.
Falling for the sob stories and pity parties.
* * * * * *
TAKING THE BAIT!!!!
At first it's subtle, hard to recognize. Let them do what they want. They just WANT your reaction. Don't give them the satisfaction. Even if you are upset, don't let them know it. It's what they want. Be upset here. Be upset to your friend. Be upset to your pet. But DO NOT LET THEM SEE IT!!
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Accepting his abusive or controlling behaviour so he wouldn't leave me.
Expecting normal responses, clarity and finally closure.
Putting money into someone's hand who even has the slightest chance of doing the wrong thing - I'll never again do that.
Co-mingling ANY assets. I will not do this again, with anybody.
Writing letters to him - I'll never put anything in writing again and telling him anything about myself - only to see him use it cruelly against me.
* * * * * *
Allowing myself (mind, body, spirit) to become so afraid of him -- literally afraid for my life, more afraid than I had the power to muster to fight back and stand like a soldier. I really fell apart and don't EVER want to do that again. I have vowed that *no* human will every make me that fearful again.
* * * * * *
My most critical error was accepting the second date!!!!
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The male gender is used. Your abuser may well be female.
FROM THIS SITE
Labels: abuse, arrogance, emotional abuse, errors, fear, lies, narcissists, sociopaths, verbal abuse
