Sanctuary for the Abused
Monday, August 01, 2022
"Get Over It"
By Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC
Neuroscientistific research shows that our memory is strongest and lasts the longest when our emotions are heightened. This helps explain why we might remember every nuance of our wedding day or our valedictory speech in college.
It also holds true for our memories of traumatic events such as abuse or even one-time events such as severe accidents.
Trauma and abuse seem etched in people’s memories, while “important” information, such as remembering the Capitols of the states, is more easily forgotten. Often, treatment techniques used in the treatment of PTSD (and other disorders such as depression and anxiety which are sometimes related to painful memories), assume that traumatic memories are the hardest to let go of.
Now, new research seems to show that if you really want to forget a memory—you might be able to. Researcher Gerd Waldhauser from Lund University in Sweden says that we can learn to control our memory in the same way as we can control our motor impulses.
EEG measures of the brain show that the same parts of the brain are activated when we stop our motor impulses as when we suppress a memory. Waldhauser believes that just as we can practice restraining motor impulses, we can also actively train ourselves to repress memories and maybe even forget painful or traumatic events.
In general, science says that some of our less-necessary memories are “erased” when current events or other information need new “space” in which to “write” new memories. But emotionally-charged memories (both positive and negative) seem to stubbornly hang on, and sometimes, as in the case of PTSD, haunt us.
Therapists and their clients know that painful memories can also be suppressed or repressed to the point of near-total forgetfulness. In some cases, patients might have to access these painful memories in order to come to a deeper understanding of why they feel/act the way they do. When uncovering these memories, they sometimes feel so “new” and raw that they can, in effect, be re-traumatized all over again.
Traumatized patients often have a hard time coping with everyday life, let alone the work they need to do in order to uncover and resolve painful memories. That’s why many therapists who work with victims of trauma and abuse prefer to first focus on helping the patient build coping skills before uncovering and exploring the painful past.
Not every inability to cope is linked to a traumatic memory. Sometimes many years of maladaptive conditioning and numerous instances of inappropriate messages from caregivers “build up”.
A tip about trauma, memory, and coping skills: If you are involved in any way (as a family member, friend or even therapist), with someone who seems to be “stubbornly” clinging to a painful memory, there’s a right way and a wrong way to help them.
It comes down to a fine line between gently but repeatedly encouraging someone in their efforts to build proactive coping skills and/or a more positive outlook OR telling them to “get over it” and “move on.” The first is about the needs of the person who is suffering; the second is about your needs.
Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC is the author of Therapy Revolution: Find Help, Get Better, and Move On Without Wasting Time or Money and is an internationally licensed psychotherapist and addiction specialist with over 25 years experience as well as a consultant to organizations and companies in the fields of mental health and addiction.
SOURCE
Neuroscientistific research shows that our memory is strongest and lasts the longest when our emotions are heightened. This helps explain why we might remember every nuance of our wedding day or our valedictory speech in college.
It also holds true for our memories of traumatic events such as abuse or even one-time events such as severe accidents.
Trauma and abuse seem etched in people’s memories, while “important” information, such as remembering the Capitols of the states, is more easily forgotten. Often, treatment techniques used in the treatment of PTSD (and other disorders such as depression and anxiety which are sometimes related to painful memories), assume that traumatic memories are the hardest to let go of.
Now, new research seems to show that if you really want to forget a memory—you might be able to. Researcher Gerd Waldhauser from Lund University in Sweden says that we can learn to control our memory in the same way as we can control our motor impulses.
EEG measures of the brain show that the same parts of the brain are activated when we stop our motor impulses as when we suppress a memory. Waldhauser believes that just as we can practice restraining motor impulses, we can also actively train ourselves to repress memories and maybe even forget painful or traumatic events.
In general, science says that some of our less-necessary memories are “erased” when current events or other information need new “space” in which to “write” new memories. But emotionally-charged memories (both positive and negative) seem to stubbornly hang on, and sometimes, as in the case of PTSD, haunt us.
Therapists and their clients know that painful memories can also be suppressed or repressed to the point of near-total forgetfulness. In some cases, patients might have to access these painful memories in order to come to a deeper understanding of why they feel/act the way they do. When uncovering these memories, they sometimes feel so “new” and raw that they can, in effect, be re-traumatized all over again.
Traumatized patients often have a hard time coping with everyday life, let alone the work they need to do in order to uncover and resolve painful memories. That’s why many therapists who work with victims of trauma and abuse prefer to first focus on helping the patient build coping skills before uncovering and exploring the painful past.
Not every inability to cope is linked to a traumatic memory. Sometimes many years of maladaptive conditioning and numerous instances of inappropriate messages from caregivers “build up”.
A tip about trauma, memory, and coping skills: If you are involved in any way (as a family member, friend or even therapist), with someone who seems to be “stubbornly” clinging to a painful memory, there’s a right way and a wrong way to help them.
It comes down to a fine line between gently but repeatedly encouraging someone in their efforts to build proactive coping skills and/or a more positive outlook OR telling them to “get over it” and “move on.” The first is about the needs of the person who is suffering; the second is about your needs.
Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC is the author of Therapy Revolution: Find Help, Get Better, and Move On Without Wasting Time or Money and is an internationally licensed psychotherapist and addiction specialist with over 25 years experience as well as a consultant to organizations and companies in the fields of mental health and addiction.
SOURCE
Labels: bullying, complex ptsd, cruelty, dismissed, get over it, invalidated, ptsd
Saturday, September 01, 2018
Characteristics of the Targets of Harassers & Adult Bullies
Adult bullies target their victims in many of the same ways children who bully do. While many people think that bullying only occurs amongst children, it can also happen in the workplace among adults. No matter what the age of a bully, they are opportunistic and tend to prey on people they perceive as a threat or that they dislike because of differences. Adult bullies almost always bully others continuously and when one target leaves, quickly pick another.
The following traits are common in adult bullying victims and usually make the bully feel insecure or threatened. Adult bullying can be more of a challenge to handle because it is harder to recognize and not as widely accepted as the bullying that occurs with children.
Adult bullies target people who are good at their job and excel beyond them. Bullies want to eliminate their competition and make their work seem better than it is. While bullying is not acceptable no matter the age of the person doing it, adults will still bully others if they see it as the only way to solve their problems. Adult bullies target people who put them in danger of looking bad in an attempt to sabotage their work.
Adult bullies target people who are popular and well liked as well, especially if they are not too popular them selves. The more well liked and competent a person is, the bigger the threat they are to an adult bully. If an adult bully is seeking attention, they will target people who receive the most attention and try to make them seem less valuable.
Adult bullies target people with differences from themselves, especially those who have high morals and integrity. Adult bullies usually have problems coping with their own problems and are desperately trying to find ways to make themselves look better by targeting other adults who they perceive will not fight back. Adult bullies seek out these people because they are less likely to retaliate against them. Adult bullies target people with vulnerabilities as well, such as inexperienced employees or older employees. If a new employee refuses to join an established clique or act a certain way, adult bullies target them. If new employees do not conform or have new and independent ideas, they also may be targeted.
Adult bullies target employees who have talents, strong friendships, or who are excelling because of jealousy and inadequacy issues. Adult bullies feel as though they have to victimize others because they are envious of their talents. Even though it would be easier to just work harder at developing their own talents, adult bullies seek to damage other people instead of working harder themselves.
Many adult bullies have had problems forming their own friendships their entire lives. Adult bullying is often overlooked and misunderstood in the workplace. While bullying among children is more common, adult bullying does take place.
Labels: abuse, bullying, harassment, intimidate, minimize, smear campaign, threaten
Thursday, July 26, 2018
Online Mobbing
What is mobbing?
The word bullying is used to describe a repeated pattern of negative intrusive violational behaviour against one or more targets and comprises constant trivial nit-picking criticism, refusal to value and acknowledge, undermining, discrediting and a host of other behaviours which are defined on our page
What is bullying? Bullying is typically perpetrated by one person although others in a workplace may join in, for example by operating legitimate procedures in an inappropriate manner, at the behest of the bully, having an adverse effect on the target. "Bullying" is still an appropriate term to describe what is done to the target.
"Mobbing" involves a group of people whose size is constrained by the social setting in which it is formed, such as a workplace. It might seem to the target as if many people are involved but in reality the group might be small. The group members directly interact with a target in an adversarial way that undermines or harms them in measurable, definable ways. Mobbing has absolutely nothing in common with a conspiracy theory known as "Gang Stalking" (to which believers also refer as "Community Mobbing", "Community Stalking", "Stalking by Proxy", "Organized Stalking", "Cause Stalking", "Multi-Stalking").
The word mobbing is preferred to bullying in continental Europe and in those situations where a target is selected and bullied (mobbed) by a group of people rather than by one individual. However, every group has a ringleader. If this ringleader is an extrovert it will be obvious who is coercing group members into mobbing the selected target. If the ringleader is an introvert type, he or she is likely to be in the background coercing and manipulating group members into mobbing the selected target; introvert ringleaders are much more dangerous than extrovert ringleaders.
In a mobbing situation, the ringleader incites supporters, cohorts, copycats and unenlightened, inexperienced, immature or emotionally needy individuals with poor values to engage in adversarial interaction with the selected target. The ringleader, or chief bully, gains gratification from encouraging others to engage in adversarial interaction with the target.
Many people use the word "mobbing" to describe this pack attack by many on one individual. Once mobbing is underway the chief bully foments the mobbing into mutually assured destruction, from which the chief bully gains intense gratification - this is a feature of people with psychopathic personality.
One aspect of psychopathic bullies is that they home in on Wannabe types - non-psychopathic lesser bullies - and then empower these individuals to gain the positions of power and authority they crave. Once installed, the Wannabe's lack of competence makes them dependent on the chief psychopath, which means they become unwitting but willing compliant puppets. They also make perfect corporate clones and drones.
A characteristic of the Wannabe is that as well as lacking all the competencies necessary for their position, they also lack the intellect to understand the nature and manner of their compliant subservience. Throughout the mobbing experience, the target is deceived into fighting, blaming and trying to hold accountable the minor bullies of the mobbing group rather than the chief bully.
The main reason a psychopathic chief bully gets away with his (or her) behaviour repeatedly is that no-one wants to believe that s/he could be the monster s/he is. This is also the reason that many pedophiles and wife-batterers evade accountability and sanction for years, often decades. They appear so charming and plausible to naive, unenlightened and inexperienced people - usually those who haven't experienced bullying themselves.
Psychopathic chief bullies at work are very likely to have everyone in human resources and management in their pocket, who are then manipulated into further mobbing, victimising and persecuting the target. (In 'support' groups they make covert comments to paint themselves as a victim against anyone who has a difference of opinion or anyone they percieve to be more educated/qualified than they are.)
The golden rule when tackling a mobbing situation is, I believe, to identify and focus exclusively on the chief bully, and concentrate on holding this ringleader accountable. Expect an immediate increase in mobbing activities, and a rapidly-expanding web of deceit to be concocted against you.
Alternatively, the best solution may be to make a positive decision to leave and refuse to allow these people to continue to ruin your career, your health and your life. In the unlikely event that the psychopathic chief leader is exposed and then leaves, the dysfunction, aggression and negative feelings fostered by him or her are likely to linger for years.
Links Heinz Leymann's The Mobbing Encyclopedia
Mobbing: Emotional Abuse in the American Workplace, Davenport, Schwartz, and Elliott, Civil Society Publishing, July 1999, ISBN 0967180309.
BullyOnline.org
Labels: bullying, cyberharassment, facebook, mobbing, online abuse, support communities.
Sunday, April 01, 2018
High Conflict Relationships Can Lead to C-PTSD
by Randi Kreger
If you've been involved in a high-conflict relationship, you're probably familiar with feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame. Perhaps you're ruminating about the relationship and feel hopeless and despair. You may even be suicidal.
If the stress of a high conflict goes on for many years [such as those with a pathological parent who then goes on to series of pathological partners or coworkers] or is very intense, you may have a variant of PTSD called complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). It's not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, but it is widely accepted: some people see it as a combination of PTSD and the Stockholm Syndrome.
Let's take it one step at a time.
Clinical psychologist Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD, says in an online discussion that, "Every victim of abuse experiences some, if not multiple, symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)." Carver writes:
"[T]hese symptoms linger many years; some for a lifetime. Everyone knows this but it's rarely bought up... During our period of abuse, the brain collects thousands of memories that contain details of our abusive experiences and the feelings (horror, terror, pain, etc.) made at that time. In what we call "traumatic recollection," any similar experience in the future will recall the emotional memory of the abuse, forcing us to relive the event in detail and feeling.
[NOTE: Even remotely similar events, no matter how 'silly' or 'crazy' to others it may seem - can cause PTSD and C-PTSD behaviors such as extreme or irrational fear, lashing out, acting "in", sleeplessness, anxiety and a host of other problems that can interfere with daily functioning and relationships.]
Most people think of PTSD as happening only to people who have been in extreme circumstances, such as war veterans. However, in her book Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror (1997) Judith Herman describes a subtype of PTSD she calls complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD).
Forms of trauma that can lead to C-PTSD
These include:
- Physical abuse
- Emotional abuse
- Domestic violence
- Verbal Abuse
- Psychological Abuse
- Sexual abuse (especially child sexual abuse)
Signs of PTSD
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, PTSD symptoms can be grouped into three categories:
1. Re-experiencing symptoms:
- Flashbacks-reliving the trauma over and over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating.
- Bad dreams.
- Frightening thoughts.
2. Avoidance symptoms:
- Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
- Feeling emotionally numb
- Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
- Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past
- Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.
3. Hyperarousal symptoms:
- Being easily startled
- Feeling tense or "on edge"
- Having difficulty sleeping
- Having angry outbursts.
Signs of Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)
- Persistent anxiety, anguish, and depression
- Feeling suicidal
- Exploding with anger / or being unable to express anger.
- Forgetting traumatic events or remembering them in a fragmented way
- Being preoccupied with or reliving traumatic events
- Feeling helpless, powerless
- Experiencing shame, guilt, and self-blame
- Feeling stigmatized
- Feeling different from others; utterly alone
- Accepting the belief system or rationalizations of the blamer
- Experiencing isolation and withdrawal from others or doing things to push others away
- Persistent distrust of others
- Repeatedly failing to protect yourself
- Loss of a faith that used to sustain you
- Having a sense of hopelessness and despair
Labels: abuse, bullying, complex ptsd, high conflict, minimizing, narcissist, psychopath, ptsd, sociopath, stockholm syndrome, trauma
Sunday, December 17, 2017
Psychopathic Bullying
One of the most common misconceptions relating to the pathology is that psychopaths are deep down inside self-loathing and they project their inner hatred of themselves onto their victims. Nothing could be further from the truth. To imply this is to suggest that psychopaths are somehow self-reflective of their own pathology - as they would have to be, in order to come to this conclusion. The fact is that psychopaths adore themselves, period. What is being classified as self-loathing is in reality more akin to resentment and jealousy. They do not feel inferior to other people who enjoy the relationships, social life, careers and material goods which the psychopath covets - they just want to take these things away from the victims for the sake of it. A sick game of one-upmanship which can destroy another person’s life for a brief rush of energy in the psychopath.
This resentment is most commonly seen when psychopaths bully other adults, having first developed their craft as children. They begin to realise the value of bullying while still in school - however, they will continue to do this for the rest of their lives as bullying pays off for the psychopath on many levels towards their relationship, social and employment ambitions. Although a psychopath will implement a smear campaign or bullying campaign against another person at work or in an organisation in order to take over that person’s position - the underlying thrust is that the position the victim holds is what the psychopath desires for themselves. It’s nothing really personal against the victims as such - they just have to give up to the psychopath what they have. If this leads to the bullied victim resigning, transferring to another department or even killing themselves (murder-by-suicide) then so be it. Once they give up what the psychopath wants from them, they do not care one iota how the victim chooses to undertake this.
In his paper, Intelligence as a Person-Situation Interaction, Dr. Robert Sternberg lists five fallacies of thinking. He states, "There is another dimension to person-situation interaction: the extent to which particular situations elicit ’stupid’ thinking in intelligent people." All of his five fallacies which range from a sense of godlike indestructibility to extreme hubris occur mainly in the context of perceived power or dominance over others. Dr. Sternberg is one of many scientists who have discovered that the enjoyment of power and control over other people changes brain chemistry and behaviour. Some people are more prone than others to these effects of power and positions of influence - depending on personality type along with social and environmental factors. Psychopaths know no other way to live other than to gain and hold power over others constantly - similar to an addict seeking a drug fix - they are likewise subject to the above fallacies all the time and for all of their lives.
Neuroscientists have established that the human brain continues to grow and change long after the rapid developmental stage of early childhood. It is now well established that people who have been bullied as children by a psychopathic parent or another student at school, or as an adult at work - are much more likely to be depressed, anxious, and suicidal. The psychological torment that bullying victims experience is emotionally ravaging and visceral. Contemporary research into the psychological effects of bullying is now underpinning its emotional and psychological scarring as something with very real negative consequences for the victims. Bullying has now been shown to leave a lasting effect on a young person at a time when their brain is still developing - actually leading to reduced electrical connectivity within the brain, along with destroying the growth of new neurons. This very real neurological damage is identical to what is also seen in those who have been physically and sexually abused in childhood.
In the July 2010 edition of the American Journal of Psychiatry, in a paper by Martin Teicher, a neuroscientist studying the effects of children being verbally abused by adults and their peers presented some unsurprising data, which finally gave scientific legitimacy to what victims of psychopathic bullies have long known. In his study of more than 1,000 young people, he discovered that words were indeed as hurtful as "sticks and stones". Teicher’s participants varied in how much taunting, ridicule, criticism, shouting, and bad language they had been subject to in the past. What was uncovered found that victims of bullying had higher incidences of depression, anxiety, and other psychiatric disorders than the subjects who had not experienced bullying.
Those subjects who reported having been bullied by their peers had observable abnormalities in a part of the brain known as the corpus callosum which connects the right and left hemispheres of the brain, vital for visual processing, and very significantly from a psychopathic standpoint, clarity of memory. Victims of psychopathic relationships always have trouble recalling memories from the time their relationship with the psychopath commenced. Psychopaths will often say to their victims. "Do you recall when you said this…?" and so forth and the victim will often reply that they have no memory of doing and saying certain things which the psychopath claimed they said and did. Victims memories are impaired and this allows the psychopath to invent a fake past event(s) which the victim cannot readily dispute. This is why it is very common for psychopaths to target people who were victims of childhood abuse and bullying.
In another study Tracy Vaillancourt, a psychologist at the University of Ottawa, discovered that being bullied as a child can alter levels of cortical in victims - a hormone produced during times of stress. Vaillancourt’s findings showed that boys who have been bullied have higher levels of cortisol than normal - while bullied girls have abnormally low levels of cortisol. Weakening the victim’s immune system, sometimes destroying neurons leading to memory problems.
With verbal bullying, more and more studies are finding it is more akin to physical and sexual abuse than had been previously assumed. As psychopaths perform all three on their victims it becomes very apparent how a skilled psychopath can break down and psychologically destroy even the most rational and emotionally balanced person. If the target has been bullied as a child this creates a perfect opportunity for the psychopath to implement techniques such Gaslighting more effectively and much sooner into the relationship. The psychopathic child who is bullying other children at school, or the psychopathic parent bullying his/her own children can be viewed in the same context as a farmer planting an apple orchard to be harvested later on in life.
Labels: autoimmune, brain development, bullies, bullying, gaslighting, harassment, jealousy, memories, polite. psychopaths, projection, smear campaign
