Sanctuary for the Abused

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Be Very Specific in Custody Agreements

A child custody agreement is an extremely important document that will largely influence your life as a co-parent. Child custody agreements essentially lay out how you, your co-parent, and your child will be living your daily lives. For this reason, you and your co-parent must ensure that the rules of raising your child are clearly defined in the document. Including provisions in your custody agreement is a good way to thoroughly cover every aspect of your responsibilities as co-parents.

Before adding provisions to your custody agreement

Child custody agreements must be given a lot of time and thought. They must be thorough and include everything that you will need to know as a co-parent for your child. Before adding provisions to your custody agreement there are a few major issues that must be accounted for. A basic child custody agreement should include:

A definition for the type of legal custody that will be implemented. Legal custody refers to the decisions making responsibilities for the child. These responsibilities can be given to one or both co-parents.
A definition for the type of physical custody that will be implemented. Physical custody refers to the day-to-day caretaking responsibilities for the child. These responsibilities can be given to one or both co-parents.
A method should be defined for making modifications to the custody agreement if circumstances are to change in the future and the custody agreement needs to be changed.
A basic visitation schedule must be created following the determination of physical custody. This visitation schedule will determine how the child’s time will be divided among both co-parents.

Most states require by law that co-parents include these issues in their custody agreement. Be sure to consult with you attorney or a family law professional in your state to determine what needs to be included in your own custody agreement.

Including your own provisions in your custody agreement

Now that the basic issues of your custody agreement have been defined, you and your co-parent will be able to add your own provisions if you feel that its necessary. These provisions will be useful in saving you and your co-parent a lot of stress and unneeded conflict in the future. The easiest way to come up with these provisions is to reflect on what issues you and your co-parent have currently regarding your co-parenting relationship. You may also come up with provisions by trying to predict and problems that may arise in the future and creating preventative provisions.

The most common types of provisions are used to provide more detail to the issues included in your basic child custody agreement. For instance, if you and your co-parent agree that details need to be added to your legal or physical custody agreements you may do so. Other provisions may also be added regarding separate issues such as how you will allow your child to interact with new partners or how you and you co-parent choose to contact one another. Any stipulation can be created as long as you and your co-parent come to an agreement on it. If you and your co-parent wish to make a provision but you cannot come to an agreement on the situation, you may request that a judge make a determination.

Remember that a judge must approve all provisions. A judge may also request you to state your argument as to why a provision is needed. Be sure to have a valid reason for creating each provision otherwise it is likely that it will not be approved.

SOURCE

Labels: child custody, co-parenting, coparenting, custody, narcissist, psychological, psychopath, responsibility, sociopath, supervision, time

shared by Barbara at 12:33 AM 1 comments

ONE MOM'S BATTLE

One Mom's Battle is an AWESOME resource for women & men battling thru divorce and child custody with a Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath or BPD.

I can't recommend strongly enough for anyone having these issues to join their Facebook group or Twitter and to follow their website. - Barbara

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This battle started as “One Mom’s Battle” but it has become a village. Together, this village will make changes in the Family Court System and will bring awareness to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What started as a lonely journey has turned into a family of men and women who are “in the trenches” and working to ensure that the Family Court System starts to do what it was designed to do: act in the best interest of the children.

TINA SWITHIN

In 2008, a heard three words that would forever change my life. As quickly as my therapist said the words, “Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” I wanted her to take them back. I didn’t want to hear that my marriage was irreparable. I didn’t want to hear that there was no hope for my husband. I was in a lonely, empty and verbally abusive marriage yet I was still not ready to throw in the towel. I left my therapist’s office that day and I did not return to see her for over four years.

I spent the remainder of 2008 trying to salvage my marriage. As the victim of gas lighting, a stealth form of emotional abuse which is generally delivered by individuals with personality disorders, I was a shell of the person I had been prior to meeting Seth. I was no longer a bright, bubbly, free-spirit – I was insecure and filled with self-doubt. During that year, I began to discover that my marriage was fraught with lies and deception. In the beginning of 2009, a second therapist (our marital counselor) suggested that Seth undergo a psychological evaluation and that day, he walked out of therapy and proclaimed that our marriage was over.

I quickly discovered that there is only one thing worse than being married to a narcissist and that is divorcing a narcissist. I also discovered that the Family Court System is not equipped or educated on Cluster B personality disorders. Individuals (male and females) who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are generally charming and charismatic. They are also pathological liars who are skilled at deceiving those around them whether it be in the business world, political arena or sadly, in the courtroom. Because perjury is not punishable in Family Court, this venue becomes a playground for the narcissist and winning becomes their driving force.

My battle began in 2009 when I went from a 4,000 foot home in a gated community to my local women’s shelter – this was the very shelter that I had volunteered my time for many years. To be on the “other side” was the most humbling experience of my life. I lost everything in one short year: my business, my home, my cars and my marriage. I then spent the next four years entangled in one of the worst custody battles to enter the San Luis Obispo Family Court System. During this time, I acted as my own attorney and had to dig deep for inner strength. I found God and learned what “faith” really means.

My battle came to an end in July of 2013 when I was awarded full legal and physical custody of my daughters, ages 6 and 8. Not only did my battle come to an end but I received validation when the courts handed down final custody orders consisting of professionally supervised visits. After four long and exhausting years, my daughters are finally safe. This is a story about not giving up. This is a lesson about believing in yourself and what you can accomplish when the odds are against you.

This is about my experience in the Family Court System and the frustrations that came as a result of this broken system. This isn’t about mother’s rights or father’s rights. It’s about a child’s right to be happy, safe and loved.

xoxo Tina

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“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.

Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist?

Tina Swithin’s book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle” is available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.

SOURCE

Labels: abuse, borderline personality disorder, child custody, child support, co-parenting, custody, divorce, family court, narcissist, parallel parenting, psychopath, sociopath, support

shared by Barbara at 12:17 AM 2 comments

Dealing With Your Abuser During the Divorce

Excerpts from: UNDERSTANDING THE BATTERER IN CUSTODY AND VISITATION DISPUTES by R. Lundy Bancroft

An abuser focuses on being charming and persuasive during a custody dispute, with an effect that can be highly misleading to Guardians ad Litem, court mediators, judges, police officers, therapists, family members, and friends. He can be skilled at discussing his hurt feelings and at characterizing the relationship as mutually destructive. He will often admit to some milder acts of violence, such as shoving or throwing things, in order to increase his own credibility and create the impression that the victim is exaggerating. He may discuss errors he has made in the past and emphasize the efforts he is making to change, in order to make his partner seem vindictive and unwilling to let go of the past.

An abuser's desire for control often intensifies as he senses the relationship slipping away from him. He tends to focus on the debt he feels his victim owes him, and his outrage at her growing independence. (This dynamic is often misread as evidence that batterers have an inordinate "fear of abandonment.") He is likely to increase his level of intimidation and manipulation at this point; he may, for example, promise to change while simultaneously frightening his victim, including using threats to take custody of the children legally or by kidnapping.

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Excerpt: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Author Lundy Bancroft

He is careful not to create the impression he's bad-mouthing her, while subtly planting his poisonous seeds. He might say, for example: "She's telling people now that I was abusive to her, and that really hurts me. It's gotten so I don't want to show my face places 'cause of what she' saying. I'm not keeping any secrets; I'll tell you right out that I did slap her one day, which I know is wrong. She has this thing about saying that my mother is a 'whore' cause she's been divorced twice, and that really gets to me, but I know I should have handled it differently."

When he leaves, her parents find themselves ruminating "Gee, she didn't mention anything about insulting his mother in that incident. That makes it a little different. She can have quite a mouth on her. I've noticed that myself. He shouldn't slap her, but he's obviously feeling guilt about it now. And he's willing to admit that it's partly his fault, while she blames it all on him. She does that in conflict with us sometimes, she doesn't realize it takes two to tango."

The part about the woman calling his mother a degrading name may never have even happened: my clients smoothly make up stories to cover their worst incident. But whether or not he's telling the truth is almost beside the point; he is playing to the societal value, still widely held, that a man's abuse toward a woman is significantly less serious if she has behaved rudely herself.

Abusers increasingly use a tactic I call "preemptive strike," where he accuses the victim of doing all the things that he has done.

When an abused mother does break up the relationship society tends to do an abrupt about-face. Suddenly she hears from court officials and from other people:
“Well, maybe he abused you, but that’s no reason to keep the children away from him. He is their father, after all.”

”Don’t you think your own resentments are clouding your judgement about your children?”

”Don’t you believe that people ever change? Why don’t you give him the benefit of the doubt?” In other words, a women can be punished for exposing children to a man in one situation, but then punished for refusing to expose them to the same man in another situation. And, the second case is potentially even more dangerous than the first, because she is no longer able to keep an eye on what he does with the children or to prevent the post-separation escalation that is so common in abusive fathers.

Batterers naturally strive to turn mediation and GAL processes to their advantage, through the use of various tactics. Perhaps the most common is to adopt the role of a hurt, sensitive man who doesn't understand how things got so bad and just wants to work it all out "for the good of the children." He may cry in front of the mediator or GAL and use language that demonstrates considerable insight into his own feelings. He is likely to be skilled at explaining how other people have turned the victim against him, and how she is denying him access to the children as a form of revenge, "even though she knows full well that I would never do anything to hurt them." He commonly accuses her of having mental health problems, and may state that her family and friends agree with him. The two most common negative characterizations he will use are that she is hysterical and that she is promiscuous. The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of practice, and so can sound believable when making baseless statements. The abuser benefits to the detriment of his children if the court representative fails to look closely at the evidence - or ignores it - because of his charm. He also benefits when professionals believe that they can "just tell" who is lying and who is telling the truth, and so fail to adequately investigate.

Batterers may continue their harassment of the victim for years, through legal channels and other means, causing periodic re-traumatizing of the victim and children and destroying the family's financial position. Motions by abusers for custody or for increases in visitation are common forms of retaliation for things that he is angry about.

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Excerpts from: SPLITTING – Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist by William A. Eddy, Attorney, Mediator and Clinical Social Worker

The best strategy for Targets of their Blame is to take a very Assertive Approach – to quickly provide credible factual information to the court and to try to be as perfect as possible in every way during the court process.

Ideally, all lawyers, judges, mediators and therapists will learn about the dynamics of Borderlines and Narcissists in court cases, and will be able to successfully handle their difficult behavior. However, it may be 5-10 years beore this occurs.

Taped Conversations: Andy made very effective use of taped conversations, phone calls and voice mail messages. This is one of the best ways to show that the Blamer has a different private personality from the public persona he or she is showing in court.

Do not tell others that you have diagnosed a personality disorder in your spouse. You are not qualified to do so, and this escalates resistance to any cooperation whatsoever. You may discuss “possible patterns” with a therapist or evaluator. But let the evaluator make the diagnosis or explain the pattern to the court without giving it a name.

In court, the goal is to make a decision. Once a decision is made, the issue is resolved and the court moves on. Decisions are based on persuasion in the adversary process. The more persuasive party (or their attorney) will prevail, and the least persuasive will lose.

(Remember abusers can be female or male!)

for support, information and help with coparenting, the divorce process, custody, child support etc visit: http://facebook.com/onemomsbattle

Labels: abuser, control, court orders, custody, divorce, emotional abuse, judges, persuasion, verbal abuse