Sanctuary for the Abused

Tuesday, April 26, 2022

Abuser As Slanderer

Narcissistic Abuser as Slanderer

by Kathy Krajco

On their way through life, narcissists leave a trail of trashed good names in their wake. This is a serious problem in the workplace, for narcissists often destroy the careers of their betters. Narcissistic managers and administrators often are serial bullies, who destroy the career and credibility of anyone who doesn't participate in a lynching and therefore is a threat to blow the whistle.

The narcissist is a slanderer partly to get attention. But he is a slanderer mainly because he must be one to create his phony image. He makes himself look good by making others look bad.

Yet narcissists are not the only people who create a false image of themselves. If you want to call it close, virtually everybody does, even that paragon of honesty, Prince Hamlet. In a world that surrounds us with the prying eyes of fault-finders, we would be traitors to ourselves if we were not at least modest about the things we should be ashamed of. Especially insofar as they are none of anybody else's business. In fact, it's a virtue to keep what's private private. It is the moral equivalent of wearing clothes.

Yet narcissists are different: they are hypocrites = for looks only. They think a thing ain't wrong if they get away with it. In other words, they confuse appearances with reality. Consequently, they have no conscience — just an unconscience. That is, they repress their conscience. Hence, what they do in the dark is shockingly different than what they do in the light of day. These are the people who put make-up on their image a little too thick in spots.

....they confuse appearances with reality

....they project instead of repent.

Since it's all about their image, as Hamlet's mother said, they view sin as some kind of taint instead of as moral illness, or spiritual dis-ease. This is what gives them the notion that it can be "washed away" or smeared off. No wonder that, to get rid of it, they project instead of repent.

Projection is the Oldest Trick in the Book.
Magicians call it "misdirection." The Serpent pulled it on Eve when he accused God of being the liar. ("God told you THAT?") Stupid Eve should have looked at the other end of that pointed finger for the liar. As St. Paul does when he says that if somebody condemns others of being [fill in the blank], you can bet your bippy that he is one himself. Sometimes in a different way, but always at least the moral equivalent of one.* Paul was in line with the ancient Hebrew scriptures. Their name for the spirit in which people do this is satan, which means the "finger-pointer," the "name-slayer" (slanderer), the "prosecutor/persecutor," or the "accuser." In some places (e.g., the Book of Job) they also call him "the policer of the world." Which makes me wonder why religious leaders think that condemning these and those for this and that all the time is a good deed. This trick still works great today: I know of one narcissist who was a pedophile and for many years kept people from noticing the glaring warning signs in his own behavior by spreading rumors about one single teacher after another at his school. (He, of course, was married.)

* An example of what I mean by moral equivalence: Mr. Self-Righteous union-busts to keep the workers in his shoe factory so poor they go barefoot — and shows moral indignation in loudly condemning his neighbor for "muzzling an ox trampling the grain."

The rules about projection are in the Book of Leviticus, prescribed in the ritual for the Day of Atonement. Christianity has inherited them. The scapegoat must be the cleanest, most perfect potential victim available, the one with the most potential to do well in the world. (Sloppy thinking has twisted the meaning a full 180 degrees: these ugly demonstrations of the human race in action, symbolically performed by abominable cruelty to an animal, were intended to shame us. Not to prescribe this travesty of justice as the way to purify ourselves and win salvation from justice.)

The worst thing about projection is that mud sticks best to a clean spot.

I'm sure that people who do this think they're clever, but it's childsplay. Send a muddy child into an unsupervised school yard and wait to see what happens. He will rub himself off on every cleaner, smaller child he can find, till they are all crying and he looks good by comparison.

Looks good by comparison. Those are the all-important words. The hypocrite makes himself look good by comparison with others. He does that the easy way — by making others look bad. This is the root of envy. Which is not a rare motive for what people say about others. It's a common motive.

In a moment of self awareness, the hypocrite says, "Well, I may not be perfect, but I'm not as bad as others are." Then he instantly looks for somebody to make himself look better than = somebody to rub himself off on. And he's certainly smart enough to pick somebody pretty good to look better than!

So, narcissists are by no means alone in doing this. It's just that they invest so much energy in doing it. They are fixated on their image to the point that it is uppermost in their mind 100% of the time. In contrast, normal people project only when on the defensive. And then they're likely to shake themselves off on whoever happens to be near at the moment. So, their aim is poor, and sometimes they project a flaw off onto somebody who actually has it. But a narcissist's aim is impeccable.

For example, whom does he call a liar? The most honest person around.

Who does he say is dangerous? The savior of the group.

Every single time. His talent for farce is so great that you could mistake him for astute.

Also, normal people have normal, human and loving relationships. So they don't smear themselves off on just anybody. They wouldn't dream of harming those near and dear. And they stick to slander (which has at least some degree of truth in it), rarely engaging in calumny (lies). When they do calumniate somebody, he or she is an enemy. Even then they don't go hog-wild and calumniate somebody so badly and so widely as to destroy them and ruin their lives. Not so with the narcissist. He is a child with no sense of measure or moderation. He loves only himself. He has no normal human relationships. He relates to people as objects. So he will smear himself off on his own children as thoughtlessly as we smear ourselves off on a towel. In fact, he is most likely to smear off on somebody he owes gratitude, because needing help damages his image. So he repays help as though it were an insult. He must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it, as if such a contemptible person is incapable of really helping somebody as grand as he.

he is most likely to smear off on somebody he owes gratitude, because needing help damages his image. So he repays help as though it were an insult.

Since he is a little child, the only reign on a narcissist's behavior is what he feels he can get away with. So, the more he gets away with, the more repressed guilt he has to purge himself of. The bad thing about repressed guilt is that it is an unconscious puppet master. Scripture calls it "the demon lurking at the door." The door being the way out, the escape, through repentance.

This could be why narcissists get worse with age. The load of repressed guilt they keep trying to purge themselves of (in a way that only dirties them more) gets so heavy that the wild accusations they make get viciouser and viciouser. It's as though they get drunk on blood.

They become living, breathing Projection Machines. Projection becomes such a knee-jerk reflex that a narcissist accuses his victim of doing to him the very thing (or essentially the same thing) as he is in the very act of doing to the victim. This creates bizarre scenes that make you wonder whether the narcissist is hallucinating or tripping out on psychedelic drugs. You feel like Alice in Wonderland. You have to pinch yourself and wonder whether "it's me or him that is crazy."

If you've ever thought that, congratulations. It means you're not. The narcissist never thinks that: he just accuses whoever he abuses of being the crazy one. (I said "crazy," not "insane." There's a difference.)

The narcissist never thinks [he's crazy]: he just accuses whoever he abuses of being the crazy one.

Another big difference between narcissists and normal people when they're projecting on you is that narcissists expect you to share their delusion. Yes! You cannot help but perceive this as gaslighting. Narcissists try to make you be what they say you are because, like a psychopath, they view you as an object, not as a human person with perceptions and a mind of your own.* They view you as an extension of themselves (like a tool) to control. It is the moral equivalent of the control a rapist thinks he has over the body of another, whom he views as but an object, an extension of himself, an executioner of HIS will. Psychologists call this bizarre behavior projective identification, a defense mechanism. The narcissist wants you to identify with the image he projects on you. You are a mirror to reflect his fantasy, so he pressures you to behave as though it is real.

* A narcissist's need to conform you to his or her specifications can go to bizarre extremes. For example, I know of one female narcissist who, during an assault on her sister, habitually forced her up against a wall and then spent a long time moving and twisting her sister's arms about to position them grotesquely — thus forcing her sister into different "shapes."

Behave is the key word. Narcissists do not connect with reality: appearances are all that matter in their world. So, you can lay out your grievances to a narcissist in a letter to let him know what you think, but if tomorrow you encounter him and act as though none of it happened, he is perfectly satisfied.

So, though the narcissist's projective identification seems like gaslighting and affects the victim like gaslighting, it is not gaslighting in the strictest sense of the word. For the narcissist only cares how you behave; he does not care what you think. He doesn't think at all about what you think. In fact, you can crash his brain by asking, "What do you think I think about you?" The question does not even compute.

Bottom Line: Anyone who outshines a narcissist diminishes the glow of his glory. So, that person had better be somebody with power that he fears or had better lay low and get away.

ORIGINAL FROM THIS GREAT SITE

Labels: defamation, gaslighting, harassment, hate, honesty, initimidation, narcissism, narcissist, slander, strong arming, threats

shared by Barbara at 12:13 AM 8 comments

BETRAYAL: THE FEELING OF BEING BROKEN

.. AND THE RECOVERY
They were in love. Everything was wonderful. They'd been together for twelve years. They were expecting their second child and they were delighted. And then came the unexpected telephone call. The phone call from the 9-year old boy asking to speak to his "Daddy."

BETRAYAL.

The trust, the dreams and the hopes all shattered in an instant with the revelation that her husband of twelve years had a secret relationship and a secret child for nine years!

"I love you baby. You know I would never hurt you. My job is to protect you always and I will always do that. You just need to keep our secret safe. Don't tell Mommy what we're doing ... she won't understand that I need to show you how to love ..."

The child who trusts the adult not to hurt him/her is betrayed by the abusing or neglectful adult.

The mere word, "betrayal," evokes enormous feelings. It’s one thing to be disappointed, saddened, and unhappy; but it’s altogether another to feel BETRAYED.

…Lied to in a way that feels humiliating. Defiled by someone whom you trusted; someone in whom you placed your belief, your hopes, perhaps your love. Perhaps it is in the enormity of the truth not told, or the complexity of the subterfuge, or the completeness with which the trust was given…that the pain grows to feel so huge.

Another common experience in the moment of discovered betrayal is deflated self-esteem. It is so very important to remember that trust given and trust broken is at the core of the betrayal issue. Trust is a gift. If you gave and it was not well and honestly received – YOU have no blame. That you would trust and honor you both with one of the greatest gifts one human can offer to another, makes the betrayer the person who is sorely lacking. You must not diminish the magnitude and beauty of your gift – by belittling yourself for having given.

There are many times when one can experience betrayal:

Betrayal by parents:
A parent who abused you.
A parent who lied to you.
A parent who neglected you.

Betrayal by a lover:
A lover who has conducted another relationship(s) while with you.
A lover who has told you things and presented a picture of themselves that was false.
A lover who has taken all your money without your knowledge.
A lover who has transmitted a disease you never knew about.

Betrayal by society:
A promise for full employment that never gets met.
A promise of social security – that may not be there.
Quality healthcare – available only to a few.

Betrayal by your body:
A chronic illness when you’ve done "everything right."
A disease of body image – and you feel hopeless and helpless.
Aging.

Betrayal by a friend:
A closely guarded secret --- exposed…
An important promise --- broken….
A person you trusted who acted with no regard for your feelings...
A friend you put yourself on the line for – who left you high and dry.

Betrayal of self:
Lies to self.
Denial of a personal medical condition.
Participation in a disrespectful relationship.

In all these instances – it is the quality of the perceived connection between the parties that determines whether the injustice feels like a betrayal or simply an unpleasant event or behavior.

If someone you feel no particular connection to – promises a gift – and fails to follow-through; perhaps you are upset, disappointed, even angry. The rage and despair often associated with betrayal comes only when the experience is one of a profound, wrenching violation of your faith in another. The establishment of trust is a tremendous commitment you make. It only makes sense that when the commitment is dismissed – the magnitude of that dismissal can feel overwhelming. Whether the betrayal is experienced at the hands of another or is perceived to be experienced at the hands of self – the initial shock and anger can be quite draining; sometimes frightening.

The sense of betrayal can be accompanied by a self-anger, a new/renewed distrust of self, a new/renewed fear of self, and the decision-making skills you possess. With the feeling of betrayal can come the feeling of a psychic implosion. At the moment, you do not feel whole. Many begin to fear they will never feel whole again.

If you are struggling with a feeling of having been betrayed – there are many things you are likely to experience including: (1) shock (2) denial (3) anger (4) extreme hurt/sadness (5) anxiety (6) emotional lethargy (7) social lethargy (8) changes in daily living activities; in other words, many of the symptoms of depression. This is quite normal – but if these symptoms persist for more than two weeks, it is important to meet with a mental health professional for an evaluation for therapy – possibly short term, medication, etc., etc.

As you begin to understand the nature of your feelings and look for ways to proactively heal…you will be on …the road to recovery … In doing this, many may discover that the betrayal, the loss, the anger, and all the other feelings involve not only the immediate betrayal but any other betrayals experienced over your lifetime. Previous experiences of betrayal – whether from infancy / childhood or from adulthood last week can complicate the way in which you experience the betrayal and heal from the betrayal.

Betrayal by another does not have to mean that you have to betray yourself. It does not mean that you are unworthy and unfit. It does not mean that you deserved the treatment you received, nor is it a guarantee that you will be treated the same way again. If you feel betrayed by yourself - you may have to work with someone professionally or in a support group to understand the feelings of betrayal and how you can heal.

Tips for healing…

Acknowledge your pain, anguish…and every other feeling you have.

Surround yourself with supportive friends/ family.

If you are choosing to end the relationship, writing a letter to allow your own release will be important for you. (This is a letter that you will very likely not send.)

If you are choosing to continue the relationship, make sure you set clear and specific limits for future interactions.

Make sure to interact with at least one positive force in your life every day.

Allow yourself time to heal and learn.

Forgiveness of YOURSELF frees YOU from YOUR pain.

It is critical to remember during this healing time that…

Your trust has been abused…this is a very big deal. Recovery will take time.

You are NOT responsible for the betrayer’s decisions. (If you see self as the betrayer of self– recognize that your choices were propelled by choices you felt were reasonable at the time.)

You CAN heal.

You are NOT alone.

You are NOT "stupid."

YOU did not create the betrayal.

You do NOT need to understand the betrayer’s actions in order to heal. You DO need to get lots more information if you are going to remain in the relationship.

You may never understand the betrayer’s motivations – you do not have to in order to heal. You DO have to if you choose to resume/ continue the connection.

If you choose to continue the relationship, you MUST see ACTIVE change in the betrayer towards a new, healthy, HONEST communications style.

By Pamela Brewer, MSW, Ph.D., LCSW-C

Labels: betrayal, broken, healing, honesty, low self-esteem, trust

shared by Barbara at 12:38 AM 17 comments

Born to Lie?

A face can fool you. Some people are born with an honest-looking face or mannerisms that help them get away with telling lies.
By Denise Mann
Reviewed By Brunilda Nazario, MD

Once people realize that he is an expert in the art of lying, Charles F. Bond, PhD, is always a big hit at cocktail parties.

"I find that everyone seems to be fascinated by lying," Bond, a professor of psychology at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth, tells WebMD. "People have a preoccupation and a fascination with the possibility that other people are lying."

This may be why an influx of studies conducted lately have looked at who lies, as well as how and why they do it. WebMD set out to see what is so compelling about stretching the truth.First Things First
"The first question I get at cocktail parties is 'how can you tell when someone is lying?'" Bond says.

For certain, it would be a lot easier if, like Pinocchio, our noses grew with each lie or like the old adage, our pants set ablaze with each fib, but no such luck! A recent study of 75 countries found that two-thirds of those polled say shifty eyes are the hallmark of a liar.

"The general finding is that far and away, the most widespread stereotype is that liars can't look you in the eye," Bond says. "A significant minority of Muslims believe that liars look you in the eye more when lying, but the stereotype that liars don't look you in the eye swamped everything else," he tells WebMD.

Wanna Buy a Bridge?
However "there are people who are essentially psychopaths, such as con artists, and these people often make very good liars because they don't have the emotional response that other people have to lying," says Robert Galatzer-Levy, MD, a psychoanalyst in private practice in Chicago and a lecturer at the University of Chicago. He explains that when most people lie, they feel some discomfort and it will show up in their facial expressions, manners, and style.

"The psychopathic liar doesn't have these responses, so it's much more difficult to pick up on cues that they are lying," he says.

According to Bond's study, the ability to detect a liar varies geographically. Americans think they can detect a lie less than half of the time and Norwegians and Swedes rate themselves even worse. Turks and Armenians, however, say they can spot a liar upwards of 70% of the time. Worldwide, people surveyed say they can detect 53% of lies.

You've Got the Look? So what makes a face or mannerism honest ? "Eye contact makes a person look honest," says Bond.

In addition, a person's face plays into how honest they appear. "Symmetrical faces may, in general, be seen as more honest than ones that are asymmetrical."

"All other things being equal, attractive faces are seen as more honest than unattractive faces," says Bond.

"Baby-faces are seen as more honest than mature faces. No doubt, there is a 'choir boy' look that researchers haven't yet fully documented. When they do, I bet it will include smooth complexion, wide eyes, and a large forehead (relative to the chin). These baby-face features convey an innocent look.

"I personally believe some people are born with an honest-looking face or mannerisms and have the 'choir boy' look," Bond says.

"So there are anatomical differences and traits for lying that show up early; and if you are good at lying, you find out when you are a kid because you say 'I didn't do it, Johnny did' and your mom believes you so you get reinforced for lying and get out of punishment," he explains. But, Bond explains, people who look dishonest stop lying pretty fast because nobody believes them anyway.

For example, a guest at a pretentious dinner party says he graduated from Harvard University -- when in fact he barely finished high school.

Some people are pathological liars and they are probably born that way, but most people that lie are actually made, adds Yvonne Thomas, PhD, a psychologist in Los Angeles.

For example, "sometimes they are feeling ashamed of something that they don't feel is good enough or don't feel good enough for who they are," she says. "Often people lie as a defense to make themselves feel better," she says.

"In its extreme, liars are born not made, but in terms of more social lying that we all do, it depends on circumstances," says Charles L. Raison, MD, an assistant professor in the department of psychiatry and behavioral science at Emory University School of Medicine in Atlanta. "Lying runs the spectrum from nobody tells the truth all the time to people that tell huge tales," he says.

The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth? Not So Fast
Honesty may not always be the best policy, Raison says.

"There are certainly times when not revealing the whole truth is more beneficial than harmful," Raison says. For example, in the world of health, it's well known that people diagnosed with terminal illness live longer with hope, he says.

So "if I come in and he or she says 'doc, I am doing the treatment and I think I am going to beat it,' it may be more if productive for me to say, 'that sounds great -- you have a great attitude!' than to [recount his/her true odds of survival]," he says.

"I do think there are times when the best interests of the other person are served by not giving all the truth," he says.

Almost everyone lies sometimes, Galatzer-Levy says. In fact, research has shown that people lie in one-fourth of their daily social interactions.

"It's usually to spare themselves or someone else humiliation such as by concocting an excuse to avoid a social occasion," he says.

"Laughing at a joke that you don't find funny is a form of lie," he says.

But "honesty is the best policy when someone else's life would be affected," Thomas says.It may not be the best bet in certain social situations where a white lie may go over better, she says. "If a woman says: 'how do I look in this dress?' and her husband says 'it's OK' as opposed to fantastic or horrible, it spares someone's feelings," she explains.

In such cases, "neutrality is a better response than totally lying and saying it looks fabulous or telling the harsh truth like 'it makes you look fat,'" Thomas says.I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman!
With fibbing journalists like Stephen Glass, Jayson Blair, and USA Today columnist Jack Kelley, and evasive politicians, are we a nation of liars?

"I think historically lying is really no more common now than was in the past," Galatzer-Levy says. "But we tend to forget that political leaders have lied across the centuries and journalists have made up stories for a very long time."

What has changed, he says, is that it is harder to get away with lying today. "If a fact checker wants to find out if something occurred, all they have to do is pick up the phone [while] 100 years ago, you couldn't pick up a phone," he says.

When it comes to lying, "I think there is a very wide range of moral positions in our society. Jayson Blair, for example, writes a book describing how it's the editors of The New York Times fault that he fabricated articles and I wouldn't be surprised if he believed that."

The pendulum has also swung a bit in the other way. "It used to be common for doctors to lie to patients, so kind physicians would take it on themselves to lie but current medical ethics make it clear that lying in this context is completely unacceptable," he says.

Martha Stewart Lying
After being found guilty of conspiracy, obstruction of justice, and two counts of making false statements, Martha Stewart serves as an example of the price of untruths -- a potential prison term or at the very least public disgrace.

"There are some fairly severe penalties for lying," Galatzer-Levy says. "Obviously if you lie in court and get caught, you can go to prison, but more typically people pick up that the person is lying and simply don't trust him or her and this makes it very difficult to have arrangements and agreements with people."

Raison agrees: "The more one lies for any reason, the more likely one is to be regarded by the social world as not trustworthy and unreliable," he says.

"The problem is that a person keeps digging themselves a bigger hole and starts losing track of lies and they don't remember who knows what," Thomas says. Eventually it will catch up with them and the biggest consequence is that their credibility is shot," Thomas says.

Some liars even start to believe their own lies, she says.

"They are convincing themselves harder than anyone else and most people have no idea that they are using lies as a defense to stop feeling bad about themselves, so there is a need to believe the lies," she says. "It keeps them feelingly they are OK and are good enough."

The Dog Ate My Homework
"It's normal for children to lie every once in a while," Raison says. "On the other hand, if you see a pattern of embellished fantastic lying -- especially if that behavior is associated with attention deficit, being a bully, or constantly getting into trouble, it's often the beginning of a constellation of behavior and long-term traits associated with tremendous grief to the individual," he says.Flagrant repeated lying in childhood is potential symptom of a lifelong serious problem, he says.

SOURCES: Charles F. Bond, PhD, professor, psychology, Texas Christian University, Fort Worth, Texas. Robert Galatzer-Levy, psychoanalyst, private practice, Chicago; and a lecturer, University of Chicago. Charles L. Raison, MD, assistant professor, department of psychiatry and behavioral science, Emory University School of Medicine, Atlanta. Yvonne Thomas, PhD, psychologist, Los Angeles.
http://my.webmd.com/content/Article/89/100296.htm

Labels: embelished, honesty, liars, lying, narcissist, pathological, sociopath, truth

shared by Barbara at 12:33 AM 0 comments

The "Need to Know"

by Peggy Vaughan

Why we need answers to our questions

When learning of our partner's affair, most of us feel an intense "need to know" - asking questions to try to make some kind of sense out of what has happened.

Here's an excerpt about this from my book, The Monogamy Myth

"When a person discovers their mate is having an affair, their world suddenly turns upside down. In order to recover any sense of balance, they need to get more information and understanding of the situation. Without answers to their questions, they convince themselves that the answers must all be bad; otherwise why wouldn't they be told what they want to know.

They feel they're being treated like a child, and they resent it.

"If the information didn't exist, it wouldn't be so frustrating and demeaning. But they know their partner has it, and simply refuses to give it to them. This makes a balance of power in the relationship impossible... It's doubtful if trust can ever be restored in a relationship where this persists.

"I remember how tough it was on my husband when I continually asked more and more questions. Intellectually, I wanted to move on and get over it, but emotionally I needed the ongoing support and understanding he gave me. It was extremely important that he never said, "enough is enough, let's get on with our lives." Of course, nobody would choose to go through the thousands of hours of talking about this if there were some other way. In my own case, I think it was an essential part of overcoming my feelings and finding peace of mind."

(end of excerpt from "The Monogamy Myth")

While I have consistently heard this same thing from thousands of people during the past 20 years, there's still a great reluctance on the part of those who have had affairs to answer questions and to continue talking about the whole situation. Unfortunately, there has also been a large segment of the therapeutic community that has reinforced the idea that too many questions and too much talking is not for the best.

I now have statistical data that demonstrates the connection between honest communication and both staying married and recovering. I have posted some results from my Research Questionnaire that may help people see the importance of respecting this "need to know."

While it's important to get answers to your questions IF you ask questions, this does NOT mean you "should" ask questions unless/until you really want to know. It's just that it's essential to get answers if you DO ask.

While for most people, "getting answers to your questions" is a key ingredient in rebuilding the trust and building a strong marriage, no one should be forced to hear things they don't want to hear. But if they DO want to hear details, they deserve to have their questions answered. It's the WILLINGNESS of the partner to answer questions that is so critical, not whether or not you ASK for the answers.

So each person needs to decide for themselves the timing of when/what/how much they want to know. (It's important to determine that you really want the truth, and are not just hoping for some kind of reassurance or disclaimers.) For most people, "not knowing" is worst of all - because their imagination fills in the blanks and the wondering never ceases.

Joseph's Letter
I want to share a beautiful example of a letter one man wrote in his effort to get his wife to answer his questions. This was originally posted on my BAN Message Board before it was closed. While I didn't keep any of the messages posted on that board, this was so exceptional that I got Joseph's permission to include it in "Peggy's Forum" so it could continue to be accessed by people who didn't read his original posting.

So I'm including it here as a clear statement of the "need to know," as well as a clear explanation of why you ask the questions:

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand.

No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality.

Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete.

You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion.

You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

The Importance of Reinforcing the Honesty
While it's understandable that the focus is almost exclusively on "getting answers," the key to whether or not there is a continuation of getting answers depends in large part on how you react to hearing the answers you do get. While it may not seem "fair," one who asks for details has a responsibility to hear them in a way that doesn't punish the partner for doing what they've asked them to do. (This is not a matter of it being "wrong" to punish the partner; it's simply not "smart" to immediately punish someone for being honest, despite the potential pain from the honesty, because it means the honesty will be unlikely to continue.)

Here's another excerpt from the "The Monogamy Myth" that points out how important it is for the person who asks for answers to react in a way that Reinforces the Honesty:

"The ability to succeed in dealing honestly with an affair does not depend solely on the attitude and behavior of the one who had the affair. Their partner's reaction is critical because it serves either to reinforce honesty or to discourage it. Honesty about affairs comes in stages. First, there is the admission that it happened, then the many details that contribute to seeing the whole picture. A partner's reaction to the initial fact of the affair has a lot to do with the willingness of the person who had an affair to share any of the details.

"A person who discovers their mate's affair usually feels justified in venting their feelings of hurt and anger. While they certainly have a right to those feelings, they need to recognize that punishing their mate for telling the truth will almost surely put an end to any further honesty. So while it may seem unfair, it's in their own best interest to try to reinforce whatever honesty is received if there is to be much hope for the honesty continuing.

"Supporting a partner's honesty often takes enormous patience. One man said he felt his effort to get his wife to open up and talk was like peeling an onion, with each skin coming off very hard. He continued to encourage her and to show his appreciation for her efforts to be honest, so she finally became convinced it was safe to tell him the truth. It took a long time, but they were able to stay together and develop a relationship that was closer than it had been prior to the affair.

"In another case, a man told of the terrible price his wife paid for being honest with him about her affair. By his own admission, he lashed out at her to try to hurt her back. She decided she had made a mistake by being honest about her affair and became afraid to tell him anything else. But she hung in without trying to defend herself against his constant barrage of criticism. Finally, he came to realize that she must love him very much to tolerate all he had put her through. He felt thankful she hadn't left, and began trying to make up for the damage that had been done.

"This can be quite a challenge for the person who asks for honesty--to avoid punishing their partner for telling them what they want to know. It's understandable that a person feels badly about some of the information they receive, but this can be balanced by feeling good about their partner's honesty. This was my experience, feeling so positive about James' honesty in answering everything I asked him that it diminished the pain of what he had to say. This kind of honest communication is important, not only in dealing with what has happened, but in determining the nature of the relationship in the future."

Labels: affair, betrayal, disclosure, honesty, need to know

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