Sanctuary for the Abused

Sunday, July 03, 2022

Psychological Abuse in Intimate Relationships Increases Intensity of PTSD Symptoms


The most common forms of intimate partner violence (IPV) are sexual violence,
sexual coercion, psychological abuse and physical abuse and each causes significant psychological problems. 

The act of using pressure … to have sexual contact (physical or verbal/mental):
Pressure in this case can mean physical pressure, verbal pressure or emotional pressure. Physical pressure can include hitting, kicking and slapping the victim; holding the victim down; continuing with the sexual behavior after the victim has been told to stop; and even continuing to kiss the victim as he/she tries to pull away.
Verbal pressure includes behaviors like threatening to use physical force against the victim, yelling at the victim, name calling, tricking, lying, blackmailing and badgering the victim.
Emotional pressure is used much more frequently than physical and verbal pressure and is the most subtle of all the sexual coercion tactics. Using emotional pressure includes the perpetrator convincing the victim that he/she cares more for the victim than he/she actually does, threatening a break-up, wearing the victim down by using the same tactic over and over again, making the victim feel obligated to participate in sexual acts, guilting the victim participating, utilizing peer pressure and even the perpetrator using his/her position of authority over the victim.

 
“Many victims of intimate partner violence (IPV) experience negative mental health outcomes including anxiety problems, substance abuse, depression, and suicidal ideation,” said Amber Norwood and Christopher Murphy of the University of Maryland. “Most notable are high rates of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), with prevalence estimates ranging from 33% to 84%.” Yet in a relationship, not all four behaviors predict PTSD, according to a recent study conducted by Norwood and Murphy. The team theorized that because research suggests that intimate partner rape causes extreme psychological trauma, that sexual violence would be the strongest predictor of PTSD in IPV. In order to confirm their theory, the researchers interviewed 216 women who were in abusive relationships and asked them about the frequency and types of abuse that they experienced.

The results of the study revealed similar findings to previous research, with some exceptions. “As predicted, the rate of PTSD diagnosis was higher in both the sexual coercion (56.8%) and sexual violence (63.2%) groups when compared to the no sexual abuse group (32.3%),” said the researchers. But they were surprised by some of their findings, such as the fact that psychological abuse increased PTSD symptoms much more significantly than physical violence. Overall, exposure to sexual violence and sexual coercion together did increase the presence of PTSD. But when taken as separate factors, only sexual coercion was directly linked to increased PTSD symptoms. 

“Though not hypothesized, the finding that sexual coercion (which resembles psychological abuse) is more predictive of PTSD symptoms than sexual violence (which resembles physical abuse), appears to be consistent with the overall finding that psychological abuse had the most consistent unique associations with PTSD. When all four abuse variables—physical abuse, psychological abuse, sexual coercion, and sexual violence—were examined together, only psychological abuse remained a significant unique predictor of PTSD symptoms.”

Reference:
Norwood, A., & Murphy, C. (2011, August 22). What Forms of Abuse Correlate With PTSD Symptoms in Partners of Men Being Treated for Intimate Partner Violence?. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0025232


SOURCE

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Tuesday, April 26, 2022

Abuser As Slanderer



Narcissistic Abuser as Slanderer

by Kathy Krajco

On their way through life, narcissists leave a trail of trashed good names in their wake. This is a serious problem in the workplace, for narcissists often destroy the careers of their betters. Narcissistic managers and administrators often are serial bullies, who destroy the career and credibility of anyone who doesn't participate in a lynching and therefore is a threat to blow the whistle.

The narcissist is a slanderer partly to get attention. But he is a slanderer mainly because he must be one to create his phony image. He makes himself look good by making others look bad.

Yet narcissists are not the only people who create a false image of themselves. If you want to call it close, virtually everybody does, even that paragon of honesty, Prince Hamlet. In a world that surrounds us with the prying eyes of fault-finders, we would be traitors to ourselves if we were not at least modest about the things we should be ashamed of. Especially insofar as they are none of anybody else's business. In fact, it's a virtue to keep what's private private. It is the moral equivalent of wearing clothes.

Yet narcissists are different: they are hypocrites = for looks only. They think a thing ain't wrong if they get away with it. In other words, they confuse appearances with reality. Consequently, they have no conscience — just an unconscience. That is, they repress their conscience. Hence, what they do in the dark is shockingly different than what they do in the light of day. These are the people who put make-up on their image a little too thick in spots.

....they confuse appearances with reality


....they project instead of repent.

Since it's all about their image, as Hamlet's mother said, they view sin as some kind of taint instead of as moral illness, or spiritual dis-ease. This is what gives them the notion that it can be "washed away" or smeared off. No wonder that, to get rid of it, they project instead of repent.

Projection is the Oldest Trick in the Book.
Magicians call it "misdirection." The Serpent pulled it on Eve when he accused God of being the liar. ("God told you THAT?") Stupid Eve should have looked at the other end of that pointed finger for the liar. As St. Paul does when he says that if somebody condemns others of being [fill in the blank], you can bet your bippy that he is one himself. Sometimes in a different way, but always at least the moral equivalent of one.* Paul was in line with the ancient Hebrew scriptures. Their name for the spirit in which people do this is satan, which means the "finger-pointer," the "name-slayer" (slanderer), the "prosecutor/persecutor," or the "accuser." In some places (e.g., the Book of Job) they also call him "the policer of the world." Which makes me wonder why religious leaders think that condemning these and those for this and that all the time is a good deed. This trick still works great today: I know of one narcissist who was a pedophile and for many years kept people from noticing the glaring warning signs in his own behavior by spreading rumors about one single teacher after another at his school. (He, of course, was married.)

* An example of what I mean by moral equivalence: Mr. Self-Righteous union-busts to keep the workers in his shoe factory so poor they go barefoot — and shows moral indignation in loudly condemning his neighbor for "muzzling an ox trampling the grain."

The rules about projection are in the Book of Leviticus, prescribed in the ritual for the Day of Atonement. Christianity has inherited them. The scapegoat must be the cleanest, most perfect potential victim available, the one with the most potential to do well in the world. (Sloppy thinking has twisted the meaning a full 180 degrees: these ugly demonstrations of the human race in action, symbolically performed by abominable cruelty to an animal, were intended to shame us. Not to prescribe this travesty of justice as the way to purify ourselves and win salvation from justice.)
 
The worst thing about projection is that mud sticks best to a clean spot.

I'm sure that people who do this think they're clever, but it's childsplay. Send a muddy child into an unsupervised school yard and wait to see what happens. He will rub himself off on every cleaner, smaller child he can find, till they are all crying and he looks good by comparison.

Looks good by comparison. Those are the all-important words. The hypocrite makes himself look good by comparison with others. He does that the easy way — by making others look bad. This is the root of envy. Which is not a rare motive for what people say about others. It's a common motive.

In a moment of self awareness, the hypocrite says, "Well, I may not be perfect, but I'm not as bad as others are." Then he instantly looks for somebody to make himself look better than = somebody to rub himself off on. And he's certainly smart enough to pick somebody pretty good to look better than!

So, narcissists are by no means alone in doing this. It's just that they invest so much energy in doing it. They are fixated on their image to the point that it is uppermost in their mind 100% of the time. In contrast, normal people project only when on the defensive. And then they're likely to shake themselves off on whoever happens to be near at the moment. So, their aim is poor, and sometimes they project a flaw off onto somebody who actually has it. But a narcissist's aim is impeccable.
For example, whom does he call a liar? The most honest person around.
Who does he say is dangerous? The savior of the group.
Every single time. His talent for farce is so great that you could mistake him for astute.

Also, normal people have normal, human and loving relationships. So they don't smear themselves off on just anybody. They wouldn't dream of harming those near and dear. And they stick to slander (which has at least some degree of truth in it), rarely engaging in calumny (lies). When they do calumniate somebody, he or she is an enemy. Even then they don't go hog-wild and calumniate somebody so badly and so widely as to destroy them and ruin their lives. Not so with the narcissist. He is a child with no sense of measure or moderation. He loves only himself. He has no normal human relationships. He relates to people as objects. So he will smear himself off on his own children as thoughtlessly as we smear ourselves off on a towel. In fact, he is most likely to smear off on somebody he owes gratitude, because needing help damages his image. So he repays help as though it were an insult. He must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it, as if such a contemptible person is incapable of really helping somebody as grand as he.

he is most likely to smear off on somebody he owes gratitude, because needing help damages his image. So he repays help as though it were an insult.

Since he is a little child, the only reign on a narcissist's behavior is what he feels he can get away with. So, the more he gets away with, the more repressed guilt he has to purge himself of. The bad thing about repressed guilt is that it is an unconscious puppet master. Scripture calls it "the demon lurking at the door." The door being the way out, the escape, through repentance.

This could be why narcissists get worse with age. The load of repressed guilt they keep trying to purge themselves of (in a way that only dirties them more) gets so heavy that the wild accusations they make get viciouser and viciouser. It's as though they get drunk on blood.

They become living, breathing Projection Machines. Projection becomes such a knee-jerk reflex that a narcissist accuses his victim of doing to him the very thing (or essentially the same thing) as he is in the very act of doing to the victim. This creates bizarre scenes that make you wonder whether the narcissist is hallucinating or tripping out on psychedelic drugs. You feel like Alice in Wonderland. You have to pinch yourself and wonder whether "it's me or him that is crazy."

If you've ever thought that, congratulations. It means you're not. The narcissist never thinks that: he just accuses whoever he abuses of being the crazy one. (I said "crazy," not "insane." There's a difference.)

The narcissist never thinks [he's crazy]: he just accuses whoever he abuses of being the crazy one.

Another big difference between narcissists and normal people when they're projecting on you is that narcissists expect you to share their delusion. Yes! You cannot help but perceive this as gaslighting. Narcissists try to make you be what they say you are because, like a psychopath, they view you as an object, not as a human person with perceptions and a mind of your own.* They view you as an extension of themselves (like a tool) to control. It is the moral equivalent of the control a rapist thinks he has over the body of another, whom he views as but an object, an extension of himself, an executioner of HIS will. Psychologists call this bizarre behavior projective identification, a defense mechanism. The narcissist wants you to identify with the image he projects on you. You are a mirror to reflect his fantasy, so he pressures you to behave as though it is real.

* A narcissist's need to conform you to his or her specifications can go to bizarre extremes. For example, I know of one female narcissist who, during an assault on her sister, habitually forced her up against a wall and then spent a long time moving and twisting her sister's arms about to position them grotesquely — thus forcing her sister into different "shapes."

Behave is the key word. Narcissists do not connect with reality: appearances are all that matter in their world. So, you can lay out your grievances to a narcissist in a letter to let him know what you think, but if tomorrow you encounter him and act as though none of it happened, he is perfectly satisfied.

So, though the narcissist's projective identification seems like gaslighting and affects the victim like gaslighting, it is not gaslighting in the strictest sense of the word. For the narcissist only cares how you behave; he does not care what you think. He doesn't think at all about what you think. In fact, you can crash his brain by asking, "What do you think I think about you?" The question does not even compute.

Bottom Line: Anyone who outshines a narcissist diminishes the glow of his glory. So, that person had better be somebody with power that he fears or had better lay low and get away.

ORIGINAL FROM THIS GREAT SITE

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Friday, May 15, 2020

How Con Artists Choose Their Victims

From the Powerful to the Powerless: No one is immune from a good scammer.

How you are chosen and manipulated
Those whose job it is to fight fraud every day know that no one is immune to fraud, and that there are only 3 kinds of people in the world: those who have been scammed and know it; those who have been scammed and don't know; and those who haven't been scammed yet. In fact, what is an obvious scam to one person looks like a great opportunity to another; and vice versa.

From the National White Collar Crime Center: Only 7% of scam victims contact an enforcement agency

Why don't more victims report fraud crimes? Because con artists are masters at instilling a sense of fear, shame, and guilt in their victims.

They are masters of domination and intimidation, artfully weaving them into their script. And... they are masters at qualifying their prey.

The chosen
Con artists choose you very carefully. They are only interested in those people who can be turned around to believe in them without question, who can be manipulated to believe in their illusions. They don't merely seek out the greedy or the weak or the stupid. Not at all. They seek out the needy. They sniff and snuffle around until they find someone who has an unfulfilled desire that even you yourself may be unaware of until the carrot is dangled in front of your face.

Con artists will stalk anyone whose weaknesses or strengths can be used to advantage. Scan through the character traits below, and you will see the con artist's menu. As far as he is concerned any character trait can be exploited and manipulated once your needs have been established. No one is immune.

Character Traits of Victims:

Who can be Scam victims:

Right from the start
From the very moment a con artist targets you, his entire arsenal of psychological manipulation is brought into play. You are moved from a position of control to one of no control over anything at all. The con artist moves into the position of supreme power, regardless of how powerful you may be in real life.

How can this be? Because you are the only character in the play who hasn't a clue as to what is really happening. No one has given you a script to follow. The only choice given you is to react to what the other players are saying and doing.

Reality is gone, you just doesn't know it - your real world has been completely and effectively replaced with that of the con artist and his cronies. Smoke and mirrors.

You know the game is over when he starts using fear tactics to keep you off balance.

Shame, guilt, and fear
Once a con artist has completed his scam, he will yank the rug out from under you. Suddenly, without warning, you have to come to terms with the fact that you have been taken to the cleaners.

—The effect is devastating - it was planned to be —

From the very start of a scam you are kept just slightly off balance so that you feel you must cling to the con artist for support. During the entire manipulation, you are being emotionally positioned so that when the con artist disappears, you will feel as if you have pushed off a merry-go-round. In effect, you were.

You are suddenly left without the rudder in whom you believed with all your heart. To admit you were wrong can be emotionally shattering. You are left reeling and alone with that voice inside your head yelling, "What have I done?!"

Dignity and self-esteem are gone, replaced with shame, guilt, embarrassment, and anger (usually self-directed). You think I'm going overboard with this description? Not really. Not only have I been there, but I get letters from victims every day and that's exactly how they all feel.

Why victims don't report fraud
  1. Many don't know where to turn, so they don't file a report anywhere.
  2. Many are so distraught that they contact every agency they can think of, which has no effect at all.
  3. Many are extremely upset when they try to talk to law enforcement, end up merely sounding hysterical, no clear story emerges, and they give up without having given the police anything to go on.
  4. Many have been threatened in one way or another by the scammer and are afraid of retribution from either the con artist himself or law enforcement.
  5. Many have gone to law enforcement only to not be believed or told it was THEIR FAULT.
  6. And finally, the majority feel themselves to be damn fools and are not about to make it worse by going public. They just can't bring themselves to admit they've made a mistake. They cannot bring themselves to admit that they have been set up by a scammer.

The 10 STEPS all con artists use to set up their victims:

Although script variations are infinite, the basic plot never changes. The best description is found in The Big Con: The Story of the Confidence Man by David W. Maurer (page 4).


Edited for Romance/ Psychological Scams:

1. Locating and investigating you, the potential victim, called a 'mark' or a 'target'.
2. Gaining your confidence
3. Steering you (luring, brainwashing, manipulation)
4. Saying 'you're the one/ their soulmate'; they want to 'marry you' (some actually do marry their marks and never stay faithful); offering to 'take care of you.'
5. Determining exactly how much you will give to the relationship (money, sex, emotional investment, etc)
6. Playing games to make SURE you are 'willing'
7. Playing you ("I'm so confused" or "I'm not sure" or "I think you deserve better than me")
8. Making great shows of affection - often publicly (buying you a ring (often a worthless ring), public proposals, flowers to your office, etc.
9. Cheating on you or disappearing while they set up the next mark
10. Forestalling action by law enforcement [by making you promises and by threatening you - reporting you as a 'stalker' or 'harasser' or calling Child Services or Animal Control on you, etc.]

with thanks to FraudAid.com

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Monday, September 17, 2018

Anti-Social Emotional Vampire

ARE YOU INVOLVED WITH ONE?
Anti-Social Vampires are called that not because they don't like parties, but because they are heedless of normal social rules. 

They love parties, and any other source of excitement and fun. They hate boredom worse than a stake through the heart.

DAREDEVILS are attracted to thrills like lemmings to cliffs. Sex, drugs, online relationships, spending, driving fast, and so on.
LOOK FOR: Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll. Covert or overt.
DRAW YOU IN WITH: Fun, excitement, and adorable adolescent rebelliousness.
DRAIN YOU BY: Overdoing everything exciting, and underdoing everything else.
THE ONES YOU SEE EVERY DAY: Cowboys, cowgirls, day traders, party animals, rebels without a cause, and that one lover you just can't seem to forget.
DEFENSIVE STRATEGY: Keep your brain engaged even when theirs are turned off. Especially then.


 USED-CAR SALESMEN their drug of choice is putting one over on you.
LOOK FOR: People who swear they're telling the truth. Think about it, who but a liar would expect to be doubted?
DRAW YOU IN WITH: Instant rapport, smiling sincerity, and the sweet prospect of something for nothing.
DRAIN YOU BY: Lying, cheating, stealing, and perhaps getting you to engage in a bit of subterfuge yourself.
THE ONES YOU SEE EVERY DAY: Anybody who asks you if you've thought about your financial or romantic future.
DEFENSIVE STRATEGY: Always read the fine print, and remember, if a deal sounds too good to be true, it is.


 BULLIES are addicted to the raw thrill of seeing you cry or squirm.
LOOK FOR: Anger, threats, and yelling.
DRAW YOU IN WITH: The illusion that they are powerful.
DRAIN YOU BY: Making you afraid.
THE ONES YOU SEE EVERY DAY: The guy in the pickup who flips you off, and the petty tyrant who runs the finance department, the ex friend or lover who says "if you tell on me I will....".
DEFENSIVE STRATEGY: Remember that the real battle with bullies is not in the dust of the playground, but in your own mind.


By ALBERT J. BERNSTEIN, Ph.D.

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Sunday, July 15, 2018

Have They Really Changed?


(For "he" also read "she" if the abuser is female)

He says "I can't change unless you do." Which means that he's trying to get you to agree to give up your rights and freedoms in exchange for him not abusing you. Also stated as "I've changed, but you aren't changing";

"I'm not the only one who needs help". He tries to get sympathy from you, family members, and friends. He is still lying to you, the children, your family or other people about what he's done. He continues to attempt to cover up what he's done to you and the children. He won't acknowledge that it was wrong. He doesn't seem sorry that he did it, he only seems sorry that he has suffered some consequences for it.

He refuses to let the subject of his abuse come up or gets angry when it does.

He won't discuss his controlling behaviors and attitudes.

He still tries to deny it, minimize it, excuse it, or justify it.

Defends his behaviors

He insists you just get past it.

He plays victim. He says "How could you do this to me/my friends/my family?"

He still blames you for all the problems.

He is overly charming, always trying to remind you of all the good times you had together and ignore the bad.

He tries to buy you back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers. All while trying to convince you that you need to stay together to work it out.

He will not get help or He says he'll get counseling or other help, but never does. Or he does (for a SHORT period until you've calmed down) and tries to convince you that he's cured and you need to take him back now. "Now that I'm in this program, you have to be more understanding." Or "I'm learning a lot from this program".

If a man is pressuring you this way, then as soon as he gets back in, he will most likely drop the program. This is why it's so critical, if you're considering taking him back, to watch his behaviors, to talk in depth, and to give it time.

Sometimes, instead of counseling they will suddenly claim to have found God; he goes to church/temple a few times or even regularly.

He cries and begs, they particularly like to do this in a public situation so that you are embarrassed and appear to be "cold hearted".

He does things to try to sabotage your efforts to make it on your own.

He harasses or stalks (covert or overt) you.

If you ask him for space or time, he refuses to allow you to have any and continues to make contact in any way he can. Or he ignores you completely and says YOU left him all alone.

Harassment by phone calls, threats, legal frustrations, showing up at work, hanging around family.

He continues to restrict your rights. He still behaves as if he's superior.

You aren't able to express yourself and speak freely.

He still demands constant attention, won't allow you to take care of your own needs.

He still picks at you and criticizes you, and ignores your strengths and contributions to the relationship. He doesn't support your independence, still refuses to acknowledge that you have rights.

He hangs on to double standards.

He is still denying you your fair share of the marital/partner assets, money.

He puts his wants and needs above yours.

He doesn't or won't recognize the damage he's done.

He gets angry with you over the consequences you've suffered over his abuse.

He's mad or seems confused as to why you fear him, don't trust him, are hurt, and angry.

He tries to get out of the consequences by trying to convince you that something's wrong with you for allowing him to have any consequences.

He behaves as if he's above reproach.

He claims that he would never hurt you, despite that he's done many things to hurt you.

He's mad that you left, instead of recognizing your right to have done so.

He still acts like you owe him.

He's impatient or critical with you for not forgiving him immediately, for not being satisfied with the changes he may have already made, especially if he hasn't made the changes you requested, or hasn't changed but claims he has.

He's only concerned with how hard the situation is for him, and no one else. He feels sorry for himself.

He doesn't show appropriate concern for how you and your children feel about what he's done.

Abuse does more than just hurt, it is damaging, and if he doesn't show appropriate concern for the damage he's done, then he hasn't changed.

He still does things that are inappropriate for an intimate relationship. Cheating, not including you in family decisions, hoarding all the marital assets - money, property, cars, stocks, bonds, etc. and won't allow you to have access to them.

He says he can only change if you help him, he wants emotional support and forgiveness, and give up your break from him. He says I'm changing but you can see that he's not.

He gets angry with you for not realizing how much he's changed.

He gets angry for not trusting that he's changed for good.

Abusive men often say I'm sorry then get mad if you don't immediately forget what they did, he thinks his sorry resolves the matter and it should be dropped and you should just move forward.

He pressures you into taking him back because he "can't wait forever".

He is rude about you to the children.

He threatens and tries to intimidate you. The next step of behavior if you don't stop trying to ask him to change is generally one of threats and attempts to intimidate. This will often include threats to attack family and friends, threats to kill you or "put out a contract on you." Threats that he will take the children away, get custody of them himself or see that they are taken from you; or threats to kill himself.

All signs that he has no intention of changing how he is. This is then his choice of how to live his life.

(not all of these need to present for you to worry - just ONE is enough!)

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Sunday, February 18, 2018

CYBERSTALKING IN THE 21st CENTURY - PART FIVE


Victim says fighting back is vital
By Dave Breakenridge -- Sun Media

Calgary, Alberta (CANADA) -- It took her almost three years, but Jane was able to get justice against her stalker.

After months of endless phone calls, letters and being followed, Jane -- not her real name -- breathed a sigh of relief in 2002 when her stalker was sentenced to jail.

"I was so grateful -- I was so relieved when it was over," said Jane. "I had almost given up."

A restraining order didn't work -- her stalker kept coming. But he was eventually arrested, tried and convicted, and Jane has had more than two trouble-free years.

There have been no phone calls, no notes, not a peep.

But Jane is still careful.

Her phone number is unlisted, she has a new job, and she hopes to move to another part of town, just to be safe.

She wanted neither her name nor her stalker's name printed.

But she wants to see other women in similar situations follow her example of never giving up, and going to great lengths to protect themselves.

"They're dangerous even if they don't touch you, because you don't know what they're capable of doing," she said.

Information risk specialist Sharon Polsky says the key to staying safe from a stalker is protecting your personal information.

"Someone who is a stalker, they are determined and they usually have a target in mind," says Polsky, owner of Project Scopes Solution Group.

A target can prevent a stalker from learning more about her -- victims are overwhelmingly female -- by being protective about what information they give out in their day-to-day lives.

"Don't give real information on websites and don't give out your home number on websites, unless you're dealing with the government and you're required to," she said

Polsky also advises women to make sure their addresses aren't listed in the phone book, or to have a completely unlisted number.

"Also, get a shredder so your utility bill doesn't accidentally end up blowing down the alley in the breeze," she said.

It's also advised if a victim moves to escape a stalker, that she set up an alternate mailing address, such as a post office box.

The Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime says the post office box should be a victim's primary address for licences, car registration, credit cards, bills, schools, voter records, and all medical records

And, as a general rule, people should not give out their Social Insurance Number to anyone other than banks and employers, because a SIN can be used to track someone.

In addition to protecting information given out on-line, Polsky said people need to protect their home and work computers by changing passwords and making sure they've been turned off before stepping away from them.

This would prevent stalkers, particularly intimate partner stalkers who might have access, from hijacking e-mail programs.

But Polsky said a persistent stalker will use any means to get information. "It's not the technology, it's the people," she said.

"Stalkers operate on base instincts -- it's very easy to get information from people just by asking."

Tracy Bahm, director of the Stalking Resource Centre at the National Centre for Victims of Crime, in Washington, D.C., said it's frightening what someone can find out with something as simple as an online background check.

"You're info gets passed around and put in more and more databases, so you need to protect it," she said.

Victims also need to keep a record of everything, Bahm said, no matter how minute the contact.

"It's multiple acts that make up stalking," she said. "A lot of it is keeping a log keeping record of how many phone calls or e-mails came in on a given day."

But even if victims are even able to protect themselves or gather enough evidence to take to the police, stalking still leaves a mark.

"It's that invasion into every part of your life that I think is really hard for victims -- unless that person dies, it never goes away," Bahm said.

"There's that fear element -- they just won't stop and I think that's pretty scary."

Bahm said people are aware technology is being misused but as it gets better, it becomes harder and harder to detect

That means victims and police have some distance to make up in the race to thwart the shadowy techno-stalker, with all eyes on his victim.

- - -

STALKING SURVIVAL GUIDE

If you or someone you know is being tormented , you can:

* Contact the police

* Keep a written record of the date and time of every contact with the stalker and keep the record in a safe place

* Tell friends, family or co-workers what's happening

* Get a peace bond under section 810 of the Criminal Code of Canada. They can have conditions of no contact, or order a person to stay a certain distance away from you

* Keep as much information as possible private , and change your mailing address to a post office box

* Keep the outside of your house well-lit, install an alarm, change the locks and keep doors and windows locked, even when you are home

* Change your phone number, using *67 to block your number or *57 to trace harassing calls

* A cellphone is recommended in case of emergency

* Keep emergency numbers next to the phone

* Seek out the help of victim services in your community

* Make trusted people in your workplace aware of the situation and tell others not to reveal your whereabouts to outsiders

* Have unnecessary information about you removed from your company's website

* Be well aware of your surroundings when you are out

* If you are being followed, drive directly to a police, gas or fire station, remain inside the vehicle and honk the horn until someone comes to your aid

* If a friend is being stalked, express concern about it to the victim and encourage them to turn to the police for help

* It is not advised to confront a stalker on a friend's behalf -- this can place you at risk of harassment and could place increased risk on the victim -- contact the police instead

-- source: Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime

- - -

CREEPY CHARACTERISTICS

Some things a stalker may do:

* Follow his victim everywhere

* Make repeated, unwanted phone calls

* Damage the home, car or other property

* Send unwanted gifts, letters, cards or e-mail

* Monitor phone calls or computer use

* Make threats or commit other actions

While not all stalkers are the same, most of them share some common traits:

* Obsessive personality

* Above-average intelligence

* Extreme emotional needs

* Few personal relationships

* May be delusional

* Non-conformity to social norms

* Low self-esteem

* Substance abuse

While a stalker can pose a threat to his target, there are a number of warning signs the risk regarding the stalker is increasing:

* Escalation to more personal forms of conduct

* Closer geographical proximity of the stalking

* Prior criminal history

* Communicated threats are a strong indicator, especially direct, private, written threats very specific and severe in nature

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Thursday, February 15, 2018

CYBERSTALKING IN THE 21st CENTURY - PART TWO



High-tech intruders

Access to your life a mouse click away
By Dave Breakenridge -- Sun Media

CALGARY -- With the advent of high-technology, stalking has become a greater threat than ever before. In our five-part series, the Sun Media's Dave Breakenridge looks at the scourge of stalking in the 21st Century.

It used to be stalkers would have to make personal efforts to get their targets' attention, leaving notes or keeping watch outside their homes.

But now, stalkers are getting their threats right into where their victims live -- volleys of love or hate, or both -- landing squarely and repeatedly in e-mail inboxes, websites, blogs about the victims & their families or instant message windows.

Two-thirds of Canadian homes have a computer, and nearly that many have at least one person using the Internet from work, home or school, making the computer an easy-to-access tool of terror.

These cases where a computer is used to torment are becoming more common, said Det. Brad Martin of the Calgary Police Service technological crimes unit.

"It now happens on a pretty regular basis where the Internet is used to harass, embarrass or make life difficult for people," he said.

"The most common stuff we see is e-mail, instant messages to cell phones, websites hosted with private pictures or personal information and registration at seedy websites in that person's name."

As Canada becomes more plugged in, and computers are used more frequently for everything from keeping in touch to balancing the family books, increased computer use by all kinds of crooks is a natural evolution.

In the case of stalking, Martin said, that includes software originally designed as a safety tool for parents.

Things like spyware marketed for parents to monitor a child's computer use, can be used by a stalker to access information which could further the harassment.

"When they're used, the way they're designed to be used they have an important role in the use of computers," Martin said.

"But the dark side is always there and people are going to use good stuff for bad things."

Despite the perceived anonymity of the computer, Martin said cyberstalkers can be caught.

"The technology is there that whoever you are, your communication can be traced back to the sending computer," Martin said, adding the onus in most cyber-cases rests with the victim.

Technology has become so interwoven with criminality, Martin said his unit could have double its four current members and still have an overflowing case load -- adding half of his cases involve child pornography.

Because they are the target of the communication, victims need to keep as much of it as they can to help build a strong case.


"When you're getting harassed with e-mails, don't reply, and save the e-mails -- if you reply you increase the problem and it sort of encourages the activity to continue," Martin said, adding if the behaviour continues, the police should be contacted. Saving the suspect e-mails is important because it gives the police evidence to work with, Martin said.

He also said Internet service providers are, for the most part, co-operative with law enforcement, some more than others.

While e-mail may be the most common electronic tool for stalkers, Edmonton-based Crown prosecutor Steven Bilodeau -- who specializes in cybercrime -- said there are myriad electronic means for a stalker to harass and torment his victim.

"Cyberstalking can take on whole other aspects ... it can be things like hijacking someone's e-mail password or going into a sex forum pretending to be that person," he said.

Calgary police Det. Gordon Robertson said he's worked a number of cases where a computer was used as part of a pattern of controlling and intimidating behaviour.

One case sticks out in his mind as being particularly frightening for the victim.

Roughly a year after his marriage dissolved, a man went to his ex-wife's house while she was asleep and told his son he'd come over to get something he left at the house.

While there, he installed an insidious trojan program -- used to take remote control of the computer -- on his ex's PC.

The woman then started getting e-mails from her former hubby asking about the new guy she's been seeing -- with quotes lifted right from messages she'd sent friends.

"He'd been monitoring her e-mails and computer activity," Robertson said.

Whether it be data storage, communication, hacking, identity theft, or using the Internet to exploit children, Martin said the misuse of technology is just a natural, but unfortunate, evolution.

"The way that criminality is going is crooks are switched onto technology now
and they are using these communication devices more," Martin said.

"They know what's going on and they're not encumbered by the cost of things because they take the profit from their crimes and they invest it in that cost."

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Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Cyberstalking in the 21st Century - Part One

In recognition of the horrible death of Tyler Clementi - a Rutgers University student who was driven to commit suicide in 2010 when he was secretly taped having sex by his roommate and this tape was subsequently broadcast online.



Every Step You Take
PART ONE OF A SERIES
With the advent of high-technology, stalking has become a greater threat than ever before. In this five-part series, Sun Media's Dave Breakenridge looks at the scourge of stalking in the 21st Century.
~~~~
They used to sit outside their targets' homes -- hiding in cars or bushes -- waiting to follow them.

They used to leave hastily-scrawled notes on their windshields before slashing their tires.

But now stalkers have moved into the 21st century, using modern technology to leave their terrorized victims living in fear.

Satellite technology, such as GPS, makes it possible to follow people in real-time from a remote location.

Threatening e-mails have supplemented the notes, while online background checks allow people access to information victims would otherwise want kept private, such as addresses and places of business.

Police forces across the country deal with thousands of criminal harassment cases every year, and suspects in these incidents are frequently turning to technology as a way of stalking their victims.

Det. Gordon Robertson of the Calgary Police Service, one of Canada's foremost stalking experts, said new technologies provide further tools for a stalker to exert his -- the overwhelming majority of stalkers are men -- controlling behaviour on the victim.

"The technological age has put a whole different spin on even regular stalking -- technology has added a dark twist," Robertson said.

He said the perceived anonymity of e-mail and Internet chat rooms lead to more bold behaviour -- offenders will say and do things on-line they wouldn't in real life. (This is called the "ONLINE DISINHIBITION EFFECT")

The technology is also there for a stalker to monitor a person's computer use, down to a single keystroke, or to get access to their e-mails and personal information.

"For people with the know-how, the computer offers that readily-accessible medium," he said. "You're seeing the computers involved in a lot of these cases."

Because computers and e-mails are increasingly used, Robertson said police are more often turning to search warrants to seize a suspect's hard drive.

Techno-stalking cases add to the workload of technological crimes units, which are already fighting a seemingly endless battle against another technological scourge: online kiddie porn.

"How do you police cyberspace?" Robertson said. "A lot of things are going on in that medium because there is virtually no one watching it."

Technology and stalking have become so linked, groups in the U.S. are designing programs that specifically target the problem.

Cindy Southworth, director of technology at the National Network to End Domestic Violence in Washington, D.C., said the increase in technology-related domestic violence cases in the U.S. led to the creation of Safety Net: the National Safe and Strategic Technology Project.

"We found there was a fair amount of technological misuse woven in with stalking and domestic abuse," she said, adding the majority of high-tech stalking cases fall within a domestic violence context, as is the case with the low-tech approach.

"We find stalking in general is not very well understood and when you add technology to it, it's even more of a challenge."

But she said old-fashioned measures to track and terrorize a stalking victim have not yet fallen out of style.

"They're still showing up at the house, they're still slashing the tires, but in addition they've added these other tools," she said.

"Because all of these technologies are widely available in the U.S. and Canada ... the more awareness we get out, the more cases we expect to see."

Part of Southworth's job, as is Robertson's, is educating law enforcement about the crime.

Southworth trains police to ask questions which could lead to evidence a stalker or abuser is using technology to facilitate a campaign of terror.

"Police need to start asking questions like 'Does your ex ever e-mail you? Does he seem to know things he shouldn't know about your daily activities,' " she said. (Most police have no clue how to deal with this)

On a positive note, she said, as more technology is being misused for the purposes of stalking and abuse, more groups are focusing on the misuse of that technology. "It's a step in the right direction," she said.

The goal now, Southworth said, is to educate women how to use technology to their advantage, to search out shelters, to log e-mails and to protect their privacy so they're no longer victims.
~~~~~~~

PROJECT CIVILITY AT RUTGERS UNIVERSITY




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Saturday, December 09, 2017

Everything I've Done, I've Done for You



The 'other side' of the breakup.
by Tigress Luv

Abandoning those you love....

Yes, it hurts like hell to get dumped, abandoned, rejected, or left for another. You have given and given and given your all to a relationship... and what do you get in return? In return you get to have the person you were most attached to, willfully and purposely withdraw their love for you, and detach from you.

Getting abandoned sucks!

But, I am going to write to you right now via the perspective of being the one who does the abandoning. As a 'dumper'. Let me tell you, being the one that makes the decision to leave a relationship - well, that hurts like hell, too!

I am, at this moment, preparing to leave a man. And this guy is going to hurt like hell. And I know it. And I feel bad - I really, really do. And I know exactly what he is going to say - and I know how very true those words will be. He will say:


And, he can honestly say to himself that these things are true - because they are true. But I am leaving him anyway. Here's why:

"Everything I've done - I've done for you." Yes, this is true.
You basically have become a love-slave.
You sacrificed your friendships, you see them no more - lest I get a life and visit my friends, too.
You quit your job - to make sure I didn't do anything or go anywhere while you were gone at work.
Every move you make - you make to keep me prisoner.

"I give you everything I can." Yes, you do.


"I would always be faithful to you."
I've no doubt of that.


"I care for you and worry about you." How sweet.

"I'm good to your children. I love them" Yes, you are good to them and I do believe you love them. As a matter of fact, you are GREAT with my children. To the outside world this looks wonderful. Nobody knows the real you. But I do. You give the children a good time, take them fishing, give them hugs, do things with them, buy them treats - earn their love, trust, and faith... this is why they believe you when, as you're hugging them, you sweetly and softly whisper in their ear that their mother is a 'bar-fly whore'.

"If you're having a bad day, I don't mind helping you with the housework, or letting it slide for a day." How kind of you. How truly, truly kind. I remember you vehemently vacuuming the living room (even though it didn't need it). I remember you coming home with the flu and a fever and having to wash the walls in the hallway because you thought 'I was having trouble breathing'. Yes, to the outside world this might have looked grand. But to me, who knows you well, it was an act of control and martyrdom. Translation: Instill guilt on me at every opportunity. Next time I'm having a bad day I will - for sure - clean your home.

"I love you so much I want to make you my wife." You want to make sure I'm unavailable to other men. If another man so much as looks at me, or talks to me, you rush over and shove your hand out to shake his, "nice to meet you. This is my girl you're talking to." Why don't you just lift your leg and piss on me?

"I would never hurt you." Too bad you can't remember what you do when you are drunk or high. Which is like 8 days a week.

"I only wanted you to be happy." Really? Yes, perhaps that's true.


"Your smile I live for." Then you must be blind or dead, because - in case you haven't noticed - I haven't smiled in months. I'm physically sick every day, and the constant stress and pressure - and fear - is only making me more ill. I fear I will die if I am here with you one more day. If you want me to be happy - if you want to see me smile - then you will let me leave you without you stalking me. You will set me free and set your heart free.

....As I write this I am having an anxiety attack - after a day of deep, defeating depression. This is what abuse does to you. It is so easy for people to say, "well leave..". They don't understand how your resources can so gradually be depleted you aren't even aware of it. They don't understand how the isolation can be so enveloping that you wake up one day and realize you haven't any friends left. They don't realize how the abuser can be so subtle and crafty that you become 'needy' before you're even aware of it. They just say, "why doesn't she walk..?" and then they get angry if you don't.

And you don't walk. Because.

Because...

* Denial - Some people truly don't believe they are being abused.

 * Financial - Not only do most women make less money than a man, a lot of abused women can't work because their partner won't let them. Abusers, too, withhold money, checking account, credit cards, etc, . leaving the abused financially needy, taking away important resources needed for her to leave. This issue is compounded when there are children involved.

* Fear - Making threats to kill or harm the abused party, pets, or family members - should an abused woman chose to leave - is a very effective method abusers use to keep someone in a relationship, which is the goal of the abuser. She may feel, "why leave? He'll just hunt me down and kill me." Also, threatening suicide is a common method the abuser uses to 'keep' his victim. She really, truly does not want to feel responsible for another's pain or death.

* Love - Most people want their relationships to work. Hope that things will improve, or believing promises of 'change', keep many women in abusive relationships.

* Children - It is important for children to have good relationships with their father. Most women are compelled to try and hold the family together, innocently unaware that the abusive atmosphere is actually having an adverse affecte on her children.

* Religion - Many religions discourage divorce. Verse has it that a woman that leaves her husband is a prostitute, and any remarriage is adultery.

* External Pressures (family, church) - Yes! Abusers are - surprisingly - very well-liked. That's because most abusers are master charmers and bull-shitters. "He was such a nice man." The abuser has two faces: public and private.

* No place to go - Sometimes, by the time a woman admits or realizes the abuse, her abuser has already succeeded in isolating her from her family, friends, financial resources, and transportation.

* The Abuser's Main Goal is to Make the Abused Feel Worthless - This is to ensure that she will stay with him. As many abused women state, "no one else would ever love me. I am a miserable failure. Ugly, stupid, bad lover, can't cook, lousy mother..." "I deserve this abuse, I am a bad person. It's all my fault."

* She's Too Compassionate - The abuser can really come off as a pathetic lost child - so misunderstood. A compassionate woman often stays with an abuser because she feels so sorry for him. "No one else understands him the way I do."

* She Mistakes His Abuse for Love - Face it, who could ever love you so intensely and consuming as the abuser can? Sometimes the abuse actually feels good! This is one of those 'unadmitted' facts about abuse, that the intense jealousy and need someone has on you is actually an ego boost! "Wow - does he love me! I must be great and no where else could I find someone who will ever love me this deeply. I am wonderful!" Ugh!!!

Yes, I am about to abandon my man. And yes, he will grieve. And yes, he may find a breakup board, or a grief board, and write a post that says something like this:
"My love of my life just left me. I am so devastated. How will I survive? I love her. Everything I did - I did for her. I gave her everything I could. I never would have cheated on that woman, I loved her so much. I worried about her. I loved her children. I miss them so much. I miss her too. This is terrible. What could have gone wrong? I was so good to her. I wanted her to be my wife. I never would have hurt her. I only wanted her to be happy. How can I go on, when I lived for her smile? Oh, won't someone please help?"

And he will sound like a truly great man, grief-stricken by the woman he loved so much.

Don't think this doesn't hurt me - the abandoner. It hurts like hell. But I won't die for love.

I need to breathe again. To smile again. To not be sick and live in fear. I need to stop walking around on egg-shells. I need to feel safe, and accepted, and trusted, and I need to feel like I am giving my love freely - not like it is being coerced out of me by threats and guilt and fear.

It's not just the abandoned that hurt.

~~Tigress Luv

NOTE: To all who have answered this -

Thank you for your show of support! Abuse is the unbelievable psychological horror.

You can't help but initially fall in love with the abuser (before the abuse becomes evident) - abusers can be such charmers! They are the extreme of both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - however Mr. Hyde is well-hidden in the initial stages of the relationship.

You almost become addicted to their intense love, but before you realize you are being abused you are suckered into the life. Abuse is so subtle, and sneaks up on you so inconspicuously, that you aren't even aware of the abuse.

I know I wasn't in the beginning. I just told myself, 'he's moody' 'he's worried', 'something happened at work' 'his first wife made him distrustful' etc.

But then you just wake up one morning and realize your 'innocent zest' for life - your beautiful free spirit - exists no more. And you feel empty and without hope and joy. Your eyes betray your false show of cheerfulness around your children/co-workers/friends. Your shoulders sag, and you have become hypervigilent to EVERYTHING!

Thank you for your words.

Tigress Luv

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

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