Sanctuary for the Abused
Sunday, January 05, 2020
Virtual Unfaithfulness
by J. Budziszewski, Ph.D.
Pornography was once a vice of the fabulously wealthy. No one else could afford it. When Tiberius Caesar wanted to indulge, he had to purchase special hand-drawn scrolls from Egypt, or have young men and women who were trained in sexual practices brought into his palace to perform. Today, all that has changed. Everyone can afford pornography. Video rental stores have special sections just for pornographic movies. In two clicks, anyone can see anything on the Internet. To say that pornography is easy to obtain is an understatement; it's in our faces whether we want it or not. A child can't go into the grocery store with his mother without being exposed to it. We live in a Pornotopia.
In Pornotopia, ordinary folk ask questions which would never have occurred to ordinary folk in other times, questions which cast doubt on the very meaning of marriage. Questions like this one: Why shouldn't a husband and wife use pornography to increase their sexual excitement and so enhance their lovemaking? For instance, why shouldn't they watch a pornographic movie together before going to bed? After all, it's for a good cause, and at least they're doing it together.
Not only is this wrong, it doesn't work. The wife and husband aren't "doing it together," it doesn't enhance their lovemaking, it reduces their sexual excitement in each other — and it undermines what can increase their delight. Let's consider each of the four points in turn.
Why they aren't doing it together
Come bedtime, John and Joan indulge in pornography. John becomes excited by gazing at the woman in the pictures instead of Joan; Joan becomes excited by imagining the man in the pictures instead of John. Then they go to bed and have intercourse. The question is, who are they having it with? They may be having sex at the same time, but they plainly aren't having it with each other. John is having it with the fantasy woman, Joan with the fantasy man. The fact that the fantasy partners are not physically present is merely a detail.
We would be shocked by the suggestion that John and Joan should hire a male and female pair of prostitutes for the night, warm up with the prostitutes, then roll over simultaneously and complete the sexual experience with each other. Yet that is in essence what they are doing. They are having sex with other people even though no one is present but themselves.
Why it doesn't enhance their lovemaking
Only a generation ago, the expression "making love" could be used for any of the endearing things that lovers do: holding hands, promising moons, doing things for each other, whispering sweetly in each other's ears. It meant any experience in which the lovers lost themselves for each other, because sacrifice of self is what love means. Today, unfortunately, we use the expression "making love" only for sex. This is misleading. Of course sex can be a way of making love, but it can also be a way of destroying it.
The reason
Why it reduces their sexual excitement
By now it should be clear that although pornographic intercourse may have something to do with the sexual excitement of the spouses, it has nothing to do with their sexual excitement in each other. Each spouse is really having sex with someone else. And this is but half of the problem.The other half is that pornographic fantasies become addictive. Consider John. If he increases his excitement during sex by pretending that Joan is someone else, he will become more and more dependent on the fantasy, and less and less capable of being aroused by Joan herself. Not only that, but his fantasy will rapidly lose its power. To become excited then, he will need a new fantasy.
At first it may be sufficient just to imagine another woman. But that too gets stale, because the unreal never has the vitality of the real. Pretty soon, therefore, John's fantasies will have to get kinkier. He will have to imagine not just a different woman, but a different kind of woman — not just having sex, but having another kind of sex — in order to feel excitement at all. He may find himself wanting pornography not only before sex, but during it. In fact, fantasy may no longer be enough. He may find himself wanting his pornographic fantasies to become real.
How it undermines what could truly increase their delight
Sometimes a husband and wife turn to pornography simply because they have difficulty enjoying their sexual relationship, and they expect the pornography to fix the problem. Alas, not only does the use of pornography destroy what it is supposed to fix, as we have seen; it also distracts the spouses from working on what really does need fixing.
Sexual frustration may arise from many causes. Perhaps the couple approaches sex in the spirit of selfishness rather than giving. Perhaps they have unrealistic expectations about sex. Perhaps one of them is ill, grieving, stressed, depressed or afraid of growing old. Sometimes sexual frustrations arise from other relationship problems, like quarrelling, unfaithfulness or never taking time to talk.
Labels: adult children of narcissists, lying, madonna whore complex, objectification, pornography, prostitution, psychopath, sex addict, sexual
Sunday, July 01, 2018
Coping with Sexual Anorexia and Aversion
Coping with Sexual Anorexia and Aversion
Note: Given the brevity of the article, it is not possible to cover all the facets of this disorder. Anyone suspecting he or she has this condition is strongly encouraged to speak with a professional counselor.
A review of the long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is sobering. Research has identified numerous detrimental effects:
- low self-esteem,
- social and economic failure,
- social insecurity and isolation,
- difficulties with intimacy,
- sexual problems,
- depression,
- anxiety,
- substance abuse,
- eating disorders,
- post traumatic stress,
- pessimism,
- an increased likelihood of being taken advantage of by a sexual predator,
- a sense of helplessness, and
- an increased likelihood of being raped or being the victim of domestic violence.
While it is generally recognized that abused males have a more difficult recovery from CSA, I find there are two conditions that are more prevalent among female survivors. These conditions are sexual anorexia and sexual aversion disorder.
Sexual Anorexia
You may be more familiar with the type of anorexia that occurs when a person, usually a young woman, obsesses over how to avoid food. Over time, this condition can lead to numerous health concerns – and can even be fatal, as shown by the 1983 death of singer Karen Carpenter. This condition has a parallel known as sexual anorexia.
Sexual anorexia occurs when a person – again, most often a woman – fails to possess a healthy, sexual desire. This person will most likely be unaware of the hidden drivers that compel her behaviors. These victims can be in otherwise loving marriages, but have no interest in expressing any type of sexuality. They will often fail to initiate sexual contact, but usually report that once sex is underway, they are able to enjoy the exchange.
The impact of sexual anorexia on marriage can be profound. This condition can force an unhealthy celibacy onto the spouse, or worse, help lead the spouse to a false sense of entitlement to pornography, masturbation, or extramarital sexual involvement. These behaviors, in turn, further erode intimacy in the relationship and can facilitate a destructive cycle that threatens the marriage.
Sexual Aversion Disorder
Of the two disorders, Sexual Aversion Disorder is the one that carries official diagnostic criteria from the American Psychological Association. In terms of symptoms, this disorder is more severe.
An individual who suffers from a more active form of Sexual Aversion Disorder, finds sex to be repulsive, without exception. According to the DSM IV, “The essential feature of Sexual Aversion Disorder is the aversion to and active avoidance of genital sexual contact with a sexual partner.”1 Some individuals’ aversion extends to all sexual behaviors, including kissing and touching. A person’s reaction “may range from moderate anxiety to and lack of pleasure to extreme psychological distress.”2
This disorder can injure the patient’s spouse at a deep level. The passive indifference of sexual anorexia is one thing, but the active repulsion of sexual aversion is quite another. The spouse may begin to wonder if maybe he/she is sickening to their spouse, rather than just the act of sex.
Closing Thoughts
It’s important to note that not every survivor of CSA will suffer sexual dysfunction, and not everyone who suffers anorexia or aversion has been sexually abused. Nevertheless, these conditions strongly correlate with CSA and can continue to injure the survivor as well as his or her spouse or future mate.
The husbands or wives of these individuals will need to be patient and understanding. In most cases when this kind of problem affects a couple’s marriage, there was a time when the conflicted spouse was forced into unhealthy sexual experiences as a child, or even as an adult in an abusive relationship. The marriage can be a safe place where old wounds are healed as husband and wife yield themselves to each other in the safety of their marital commitment.
Although this is only a brief overview of these conditions, if this seems to fit you or someone you love, it is worth talking to a professional. Any unresolved trauma has the potential to lead to further injury or addictions. There is hope for recovery. This healing starts when a person suffering anorexia or aversion takes “ownership” of this condition. He or she will acknowledge that this condition can only further injure the marriage – and both spouses - if left untreated. Seeking whatever resources are needed is part of this healthy ownership of the problem. Compassion for each other and respect for the marriage can motivate both spouses to do whatever it takes to restore the pleasure and joy of marital sexuality.
Copyright © 2004 Rob Jackson. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Labels: aversion, emotional rape, madonna whore complex, marriage counseling, narcissism, narcissist, sexual abuse, sexual anorexia, sexual violence
