Sanctuary for the Abused
Tuesday, August 07, 2018
How to Help An Abused Woman
Know the facts about woman abuse.
Assure her that you believe her story.
Listen and let her talk about her feelings.
Do not judge or give advice. Talk to her about her options.
Physical safety is the first priority. If you believe she is in danger, tell her.
Help her plan an emergency exit.
Respect her right to confidentiality.
Let her know you care and want to help.
Allow her to feel the way she does and support her decisions. Let her talk about the caring aspects of the relationship as well. Don't try to diminish her feelings about her partner. Don't criticize her for staying with him, but share information on how abuse increases over time without intervention.
Give clear messages, including:
Violence is never okay or justifiable.
Her safety and her children's safety are always the most important issues.
Wife assault is a crime.
She does not cause the abuse.
She is not to blame for her partner's behaviour.
She cannot change her partner's behaviour.
Apologies and promises will not end the violence.
She is not alone.
She is not crazy.
Abuse is not loss of control, it is a means of control.
Discuss how the violence affects the children.
Be encouraged that every time she reaches out for help she is gaining the emotional strength needed to make effective decisions. She may be too fearful and immobilized or confused to take any step immediately.
Although police can be asked to accompany a woman going back home to retrieve personal belongings, encourage her to be prepared for the possibility of leaving home in a hurry. She should have necessary documents or photocopies ready, as well as important items such as:
credit cards, cash, bank books, passport, birth certificates, citizenship papers, house keys, medications, children's favourite toy, clothing, etc.
An abused woman needs our support and encouragement in order to make choices that are right for her. However, there are some forms of advice that are not useful and even dangerous for her to hear:
Don't tell her what to do, when to leave or when not to leave.
Don't tell her to go back to the situation and try a little harder.
Don't rescue her by trying to find quick solutions.
Don't suggest you try to talk to her husband to straighten things out.
Don't place yourself in danger by confronting the assaultive man.
Don't tell her she should stay for the sake of the children.
Never recommend joint family or marital counselling in situations of emotional or
physical abuse. It is dangerous for the woman and will not lead to a resolution that is in her interest.
Encourage separate counselling for the man and woman, if they want counselling.
How to Help Children Who Witness Abuse
For Mothers
Understand that there is a reason for the child's behaviour, and acknowledge that in words for her. Children will work out reasons of their own for the turmoil, often blaming themselves, unless you discuss what is going on.
Let your children know that the fighting is not their fault.
Give them permission to talk about the abuse. Information, and talking about feelings helps to sort out what is going on. If you are not able to handle talking with your child, make sure she knows one or two other people that you feel comfortable having her talk to.
Help them to work out a safety plan: a safe place to go when there is fighting, numbers they can call, and make sure they know it is not safe to get in between fighting adults.
Acknowledge the mixed feelings they may have toward their dad; it is still okay to love him, and hate what he does.
Make sure your child knows that keeping silent about abuse at home sometimes leads to keeping silent about other negative experiences.
Help the child to identify feelings other than anger, and help them find safe ways to express those feelings. Try to notice and comment on what your child is doing right.
Be as specific as you can about what is going to happen in everyday life. Children who live with abuse need information ahead of time about where they will be, and how long they will stay. If your child has a hard time separating from you, reassure him, and tell him you will be safe and when you will be back.
Get support for yourself. It takes extra patience to cope with a child who is acting out because of witnessing abuse.
For Teachers and Child Care Workers
Try to incorporate into daily activities a discussion of feelings and how to express them and recognize them in other people. Some children who witness violence only recognize and express anger: a feeling vocabulary helps them to express what they are experiencing.
A child who witnesses abuse often has a short attention span, as a result of being constantly on edge at home. Try to avoid focusing excessive negative attention on this behaviour, and if possible, support the child in redirecting his energy.
Try to discuss behaviour in terms of "safe and not safe", rather than "bad, good, nice, not-nice". The child may already be suffering with very low self-esteem and will tend to identify with the aggressor in her family, if she hears at school that she is not nice.
Consistency, routine and follow-through are very helpful in assisting a child who is coping with violence. Try to create a feeling of safety and predictability in the child's environment, using visual cues like clocks whenever possible. Self-esteem words and phrases that identify concrete examples of positive behaviour (helpful cleaning up, shared his snack) go a long way to counter feelings of worthlessness and helplessness, especially when written down.
Be as clear as possible about rules, and consequences. Try to avoid the appearance of arbitrary punishments or decisions. Children who witness violence often have a very keen sense of justice.
Offer limited choices. This increases a child's sense of control over her world.
Try to be patient with decision making: it may be an unusual experience for her.
Give a time limit.
School-age children can benefit from discussions of gender stereotyping. Boys especially need to know that the abuser in their family is not the only way to be male.
Challenge stereotypes in popular culture that show helplessness and aggression.
Identify other ways of coping with problems.
Help the child identify her "support systems": safe family members or adults that can help a child by listening.
Know that the child's mother is doing the best they can under the circumstances. Be aware of the issues she is facing, and try not to judge her for what may look like poor parenting practices in your view. If you have noticed routines or patterns that seem to help or hinder the child, share them with his mother, but be aware that she may not always be able to act on the information immediately or consistently.
Labels: abused, assaulted, believe, help, listen, trust, women
Thursday, June 21, 2018
If He/ She REALLY Wants to Change
1. He cannot change unless he deals deeply with his entitled and superior attitudes. No superficial changes that he may make offer any real hope for the future.
2. It makes no difference how NICE he is being to you, since almost all abusers have nice periods. What matters is how RESPECTFUL and NONCOERCIVE he chooses to become.
Holding on to these fundamental points, you can use the following guide to help you identify changes that show promise of being genuine. We are looking for "yes" answers to these questions.
Has he learned to treat your opinions with respect, even when they differ strongly from his?
Is he accepting your right to express anger to him, especially when it involves his history of mistreating you?
Is he respecting your right to freedom and independence? Does that include refraining from all interference with your friendships and giving up the demand to always know where you are and whom you are with?
Has he stopped making excuses for his behavior, including not using your behavior as an excuse fo his?
Is he being respectful about sex, applying no pressure and engaging in no guilt trips?
Has he stopped cheating or flirting with other women, or using other behaviors that keep you anxious that he will stray?
Does he listen to your side in arguments without interupting, and then make a serious effort to respond thoughfully to your points, even if he doesn't like them?
Have you been free to raise your grievances, new or old, without retaliation from him?
Has he stopped talking about his abuse as if it were an accident and begun to acknowledge the he used it to control you?
Is he actually responding to your grievances and doing something about them (for example, changing the way he behaves toward your children)?
Has he greatly reduced or eliminated his use of controlling behaviors (such as sarcasm, rolling his eyes, loud disgusted sighs, talking over you, using the voice of ultimate authority, and other demostrations of disrespect or superiority) during conversations and arguments?
When he does slip back into controlling behavior, does he take you seriously when you complain about it and keep working on improving?
Is he being consistent and responsible in his behavior, taking into account how his actions affect you without having to be constantly reminded?
Is he acting noticeably less demanding, selfish, and self-centered?
Is he being fair and responsible about money, including allowing you to keep you own assets in your own name?
Has he stopped any behaviors that you find threatening or intimidating?
Has he significantly expanded his contribution to household and child-rearing responsibilities and stopped taking your domestic work for granted or treating you like a servant?
Has he begun supporting your strengths rather than striving to undermine them?
Have you had any major angry argument with him in which he has shown signs fo a new willingness to conduct himself nonabusively?
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Clear Signs of An Abuser Who ISN'T Changing
*He says he can only change if you change too.
*He says he can only change if you "help" him change, by giving him emotional support, reassurance and forgiveness, and by spending a lot of time with him. This often means that he wants your to abandon any plans you had to take a break from seeing him.
*He criticizes you for not realizing how much he has changed.
*He criticizes you for not trusting that his change will last.
*He criticizes you for considering him capable of behaving abusively even though he in fact had done so in the past (or has threatened to) as if you should know that he "would never do something like that", even though he has.
*He reminds you about the bad things he would have done in the past but isn't doing anymore, which amounts to a subtle threat.
*He tells you that you are taking too long to make up your mind, that he can't "wait forever", as a way to pressure you not to take the time you need to collect yourself and to assess how much he's really willing to change.
*He says, "I'm changing, I'm changing," but you don't feel it.
Be Straight with Yourself
To use good judgement and make wise decisions about the prospect of change in your abusive partner, you need to be honest WITH YOURSELF. Because you love him, or you have children with him, or leaving would be difficult for other reasons, you may be sorely tempted to get overly hopeful about small concessions that he finally makes.
If he doesn't budge for five years, or twenty years, and then he finally moves an inch, your ehaustion can make you think, Hey! An inch! That's progress! You may wish to overlook all the glaring signs indicating that his basic attitudes and strategies remain intact. Beware of his deception and your own self-deception.
I have heard such heart-rending sadness in the voices of many dozens of abused women who have said to me, "I wish I could somehow recover all those years I wasted waiting around for him to deal with his issues." Save yourself that sadness if you can, by insisting on nothing less than complete respect.
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The previous was excerpted from the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, pgs 346-351
(Bancroft wrote this in the male gender. Your abuser may well be female.)
Labels: abuser, change, cheating, entitlement, excuses, freedom, kindness, listen, respect
