Sanctuary for the Abused

Thursday, March 10, 2022

Who Gets Targeted


by Kathy Krajco

Like all predators, narcissists target the vulnerable.

Many things can make a person vulnerable. Being smaller than the narcissist. Having less power in the company. Having dangerous enemies. Having a bad reputation. Being defenseless in any way. Being gentle. Being too moral to get as down-and-dirty as the narcissist does. Loving the narcisist makes you very vulnerable. Being the narcissist's benefactor also makes you vulnerable. (That's because we love those we sacrifice for, because to do otherwise would be to devalue ourselves. We also have good reason to expect goodwill from those who owe us gratitude, so we are trusting -- totally blind-sided by their malice.)

A narcissist targets the small, defenseless, or gentle because he can have the most powerful effect on them. It's more fun to bash something small to smithereens than it is to just dent something big. So your narcissist gets the strongest power rush from abusing the small, defenseless, and gentle.

Hence, for example, he feels best when viciously snarling at his tender four-year-old daughter, because that eviscerates her, whereas it would only wound his wife.

If you carry this anti-logic to its conclusion, he makes himself God almighty by stomping an ant. Right?

Wrong. A baby can stomp an ant. Even a puppy can stomp an ant. Demolishing an ant requires no great power. But destroying a city does. Yet every bully on the planet cheats by destroying something small and then thumping his chest as if that proves him mighty.

Sun Tzu, in his ancient treatise On the Art of War, notices the same thing about bullies:

To lift an autumn hair is no sign of great strength; to see the sun and moon is no sign of sharp sight;to hear the noise of thunder is no sign of a quick ear.
Yet every narcissistic bully makes the same egregious error of logic. That blasts to smithereens the myth that narcissists are exceptionally intelligent. To the contrary, only a moron makes such an egregious error in logic.

Yet, a minute later, while he's filling out his tax return, the moron is suddenly intelligent enough to do it right.

Therefore his moronhood of a moment ago was just willful stupidity, wasn't it? And who is stupider than somebody who thinks it smart to be stupid?

The Intelligence of Narcissists and Whom They Target

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Thursday, June 17, 2021

Learned Helplessness


There are people who rely on learned helplessness as a means to cope with negative events happening in their life. Keith Joseph McKean points out that learned helplessness is based on three things:

Internal blaming - "It's me!"
Global distortion - "It'll affect everything I do!"
Stability generalization - "It will last forever!"

Parents/caretakers play major roles in whether or not a child develops learned helplessness. Learned helplessness can develop early in one's life. Therefore, adults need to be aware of how their type of criticism they use will affect children.
If adults are continually using negative criticism, the child will eventually have low self-esteem and will come to a point to want to give up trying. This can lead to the child having negative viewpoints throughout his/her life.

The type of reinforcement given to the child by the caregiver can determine whether or not the child will develop learned helplessness as a coping mechanism for everyday life events. The child will eventually feel he/she has no control over these events.

Heyman, Dweck and Cain confirm the influence of constant negative criticism on children by revealing how young children in their study assumed when they were receiving negative criticism they must have been "bad" children. Therefore, the children felt they were deserving of such negative criticism.

But, researchers claim as a child gets older the child feels the negative criticism is based on their lack of abilities, not based on if they were "good" or "bad." This study cites that children who have a secure attachment will demonstrate positive self-evaluations whereas children who don't have this positive attachment will demonstrate negative self-evaluations.

Learned helplessness can develop in any stage of one's life, not just childhood - it affects behavioral, cognitive and affective domains at the same time.

When a person is wanting to give up or has a continuous habit of putting things off, this is learned helplessness affecting his/her behavioral domain. A person's self-esteem will be low and feeling of frustration will be high. With these effects a person's ability to solve problems will be very low due to the fact that the person has no confidence in themselves.

These factors affect the cognitive domain. The affective domain is when a person will show signs of depression. When one fails, the blame will be that person's lack of abilities and when one succeeds this will be due to "luck."

Also, a characteristic of a person with learned helplessness is low self-esteem. Low self-esteem will decrease one's confidence in trying to change negative things that are going on in one's life. When a person with learned helplessness experiences success he / she will make themselves and others believe it was due to "luck" and not based on ones' own abilities.

This pessimistic explanatory way of dealing with events can affect a person's job performance and a student's academic performance which can eventually lead to wanting to give up. As stated earlier, learned helplessness can develop at any age.

Learned helplessness can be seen when comparing depressed elderly women and non-depressed elderly women (65-96 years) on successes and failures. The non-depressed women would describe their success due to positive reasons such as, their success was due to their own abilities. Whereas, the depressed women would use more of a negative reason by saying their success was due to "luck" and not based on personal abilities.

When it came to explaining failures, the non-depressed women would blame them on "bad luck" and the depressed women would blame it on their so-called lack of abilities. The depressed women would blame negative outcomes due to inner forces and positive outcomes due to outer forces. These depressed women show how people with learned helplessness will use these reasons to give up and not put an effort to take control of their lives.

Strube emphasizes a situation where learned helplessness traumatically effects lives. Women in abusive relationships have developed at some point in time learned helplessness. These women have low self-esteem and blame themselves when things go wrong, therefore, they feel they deserve the physical and mental abuse (similar to the young children who felt they deserved the negative criticism they received because of being "bad").

Society and family play a partial hand in this abuse by putting unnecessary pressures on the woman by making her feel it is her responsibility to make the relationship work. These pressures need to be removed and support from family needs to be increased.

Society as a whole needs to take a stand against abuse. Just as these studies show how learned helplessness can develop during early childhood and continue through adulthood, I know of a woman who has overcome learned helplessness.

There was this little girl who wasn't afraid of anything. She didn't even know what fear was. Then one day a traumatic event happened in her life. After that she knew what fear was.

She was made to feel what had happened was her fault. She tried hard to thing of what she did to deserve being treated so badly. For many years she felt she was a "bad" girl. After that experience came many other negative experiences. She felt she caused them because she was "bad" therefore, she deserved these bad experiences. She decided to be so "good" that nothing bad would ever happen again. But, bad things kept occurring. She figured it didn't matter if she was "good" or "bad" because she had no control over anything that happened in her life.

All through life whenever she failed she would just decide that was expected, so why try?

When she did achieve anything good, she would count that as being "lucky" - not because of her abilities. At times of success she didn't like to acknowledge it to anyone because she knew there would be someone there to remind her how "bad" she really was. She got to the point whenever she would achieve anything in life she never gave herself a chance to enjoy the precious moments. She felt she didn't deserve any praise for accomplishments. She even blamed herself for a relative's death.

For some reason, she felt she must have done something bad and she was to be punished by having him taken away from her. She continued for a number of years failing to achieve any goals that were set for her. She tried to finish college a number of times but continued to fail. She did not fail necessarily in grades but in giving up on everything in life. She just figured there would be something that would stop her so she didn't try.

During her early adulthood years she had no goals set and would just go along in life doing what it took to get by. She constantly placed herself in negative situations; abusive relationships, other relationships that were doomed to fail, and she felt any mistakes on the job were due to her lack of abilities. She felt she had no control over any events in her life.

She felt she was doomed for the rest of her life. She felt her family didn't expect anything from her since she was a woman. She was to get married and raise a family - nothing else. She became engaged numerous times but failed at actually going through with the marriages.

No matter how hard she would try, she always failed. Her negative surroundings and negative reinforcements over many years caused her to develop learned helplessness.

By her late twenties she knew something had to change.

After receiving professional help and joining a support group [see below], the once frightened little girl has turned into a woman who knows now that she has control over her life. Now in her thirties, she has gone back to school and has set short-term and long-term goals to help herself succeed in life. Now her belief is that if she has given it her best she has succeeded (no matter what others would rule as success and failure).

There are still days when she feels she has failed. At first she will start to blame herself and she will stop and tell herself over and over she is not to blame. She will then look back to analyze why she did not achieve what she had set out to do and if she didn't do her best, she would do her best to try and correct this. but, when she did her best, she will tell herself she must accept it and go on.
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She is learning to accept that when she does something good, she knows she worked hard for it and deserves it without feeling guilty, and she didn't get it from the luck of the draw.
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She has a new life after thirty years of living with learned helplessness. Society and parents play major roles in making sure a child avoids learned helplessness. Children must be encouraged to use their cognitive abilities to their fullest, be given positive criticism and be shown adaptive ways to cope with negative events that happen in their lives.

A person's self-esteem is very important to one's future. No one can eliminate negative events in anyone's life but one does have the power to help someone cope in a positive manner.

Terri Holcomb

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Saturday, April 11, 2020

Domestic violence victims, stuck at home, are at risk during coronavirus pandemic

by Scottie Andrew (CNN)

(CNN)Home is the safest place to be while a pandemic rages outside. Health officials have said as much for weeks now. 

But for some, home is not a haven from violence and abuse.
 
Self-isolation forces victims of domestic violence and their children into uncomfortable and dangerous circumstances: Riding out the Covid-19 crisis, shut in with their abusers.

The pandemic has shattered exit plans that some victims have spent months developing.
 
And the deluge of stress and fear -- of unemployment, of sickness, of death -- is only intensifying the abuse they face.
 
The services designed to support even the most isolated of these victims are struggling to help from a distance.

"It is the perfect storm for someone who wants to isolate or hurt their partners," said Val Kalei Kanuha, assistant dean of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion at the University of Washington's School of Social Work.
 
Abuse survivors are familiar with the rules of social isolation already. Now, the pandemic is doing the work for abusers.

Domestic violence will likely increase in social isolation

The frequency and severity of domestic abuse will likely increase while Americans stay home for weeks or months during the pandemic, said Katie Ray-Jones, president and CEO of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a service that connects victims of domestic violence with local resources.
 
Ray-Jones said the hotline saw an uptick in reports of partner abuse during the 2008 recession as unemployment surged. But then, victims weren't told to shut themselves in with their abusers.
 
The calls National Hotline staff have received since the start of state shutdowns are startling, Ray-Jones said: One woman said when she tried to go to work at an essential business, her abusive partner began to load his firearm to scare her into staying. Another said that her partner threatened to expose her to the virus on purpose and swore he wouldn't pay for treatment if she fell ill.  

Communities under stay-at-home orders are already reporting higher call volumes to local domestic violence resources.  

In New York's Nassau County, east of New York City, domestic violence incidents are already up 10% compared to this time last year, Nassau County Police Commissioner Patrick Ryder told CNN affiliate WLNY. And Cincinnati-based organization Women Helping Women is receiving 30% more calls now since self-isolation started, CNN affiliate WCPO reported.

Stress heightens the likelihood for violence

Domestic violence cases spike in times of prolonged stress and disruption, like financial crises and natural disasters.
 
But most Americans have never lived through anything quite like the Covid-19 pandemic, said Margaret Bassett, director of the Expert Witness Program at the University of Texas at Austin's Institute on Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault.
 
"This is a really stressful time," Bassett said. "And the more stress that a family experiences, there's a greater risk for escalation on the part of a person who's abusive."
 
Some of that stress has driven people to firearms dealers and liquor stores.
  
Gun sales are surging nationwide, as they did after 9/11 and the stock market crash of 1987. It's a symptom of uncertain times, industry analyst Rob Southwick told CNN last week. When people are afraid of the unknown, they'll buy a gun -- even if their enemy is a virus.
 
Abusers often use firearms to frighten victims, whether or not they use them, Ray-Jones said. But even an abuser's possession of a firearm makes it five times more likely that a domestic violence victim will be killed, according to the Giffords Law Center to Prevent Gun Violence. 
 
A record 3.28 million Americans filed for unemployment benefits this week -- and unemployment is strongly tied to alcohol use disorder. A 2013 study reported that as unemployment rates rise, so do dangerous drinking behaviors. And the World Health Organization said evidence suggests that excessive alcohol consumption worsens the severity and frequency of domestic violence.

Coronavirus throws a wrench in victims' plans

Abusers find ways to isolate victims without "shelter in place" mandates. But during any other time victims could still access resources like counselors and shelters. 
 
It's not so simple for survivors to up and leave their abuser either, and especially now, when access to hospitals and shelters is limited, Kanuha said. 
 
 "This particular situation with Covid-19 is so unusual because it really challenges all of us to think out of the 'just leave' box," she said. "You can't tell somebody to leave because there's no place to go."
 
Sexual assault victims may be hesitant to go to a hospital to receive a rape kit, with hospitals operating at full capacity and physicians pleading with the public to avoid burdening the health care system.
 
And typically advocates and counselors are on hand for support throughout the rape kit process. That isn't possible anymore, said Laura Pelumbo, communications director at the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.
 
Many courts are closed, too, so requests for restraining orders are indefinitely delayed.
 
Some victims plan their exit strategies for months. They secretly save money and make arrangements to move with their counselors' help. But the pandemic will almost certainly interrupt those plans by draining those funds, Ray-Jones said.

Child abuse is more prevalent

The children of abuse victims know where to go to get away from the violence: School, an after-school activity, a friend's house. Anywhere but home.
 
Now that they've got nowhere to go, children's risk of abuse is heightened, said Jeffrey Edleson, professor and dean emeritus at the University of California-Berkeley's School of Social Welfare.
 
"Many of the options that battered women and their children use as safety valves to get away from violence are no longer available," he told CNN.
 
The social ties they rely on for relief are severed. Teachers, coaches and allies outside the home who may have reported the abuse aren't with them every day. Parents may go so far as to cut off their access to electronics, which most American students now use to complete schoolwork, he said.
 
"A lot of young adults I've spoken with who've been exposed to violence at home often find close friends, friends' parents, relatives and teachers who are supportive of them," he said. "It helps buffer the impact of what's going on at home. But all of that is missing."
 
Coronavirus-related child abuse has already been reported. In Fort Worth, Texas, a children's hospital said last week they treated six severe child abuse cases in the span of a week. Hospital staff said they typically see as many patients over a month, CNN affiliate KTVT reported.
 
Sometimes it's the silence that's concerning. The Oregonian reported that calls to Oregon's state child abuse hotline have dropped by more than half, from 700 daily to 300 since the day the state's schools closed. Child welfare advocates worry it's because they're not in classrooms, where teachers can report abuse on their behalf.
 
Even in families where conflict has never escalated to violence, children are now at a higher risk of physical abuse because of additional stressors like unemployment, Edleson said.
 
 "That conflict can be pushed to a physical level," he said. "And especially closed in small quarters."

How services are adjusting

Local, regional and national coalitions are still operating as essential organizations under several states' stay-at-home orders, but the way they deliver their services has changed.
 
In most cases, it's no longer possible for victims to meet with case workers, and many women's shelters have stopped accepting new clients to protect their current residents, Ray-Jones said.
 
Many victims are relying on hotlines to report their abuse and find help -- but only those who are still able to safely contact them.
 
And once the stay-at-home orders are lifted, Ray-Jones said she expects victims to flood hotlines. T
They may not know how many victims there are until the coronavirus pandemic is over.
 
"People with abusive partners don't reach out for help until the holidays are over," Ray-Jones said. "We think there's going to be a huge surge, potentially, once quarantines are lifted and people are returning to work." 
 
So social workers are preparing now, transitioning to remote work where they can and getting resources -- numbers to call, mental health services available -- in the hands of victims. 
 
But there are still victims that advocates can't reach. 
 
That's where all of us come in, Kanuha said. 
Family, friends, coworkers or neighbors should reach out to them and advocate on their behalf. Print out resources. Call a hotline if you fear for their safety. If you work together, seek them out under the guise of a work matter and ask how they're doing. Listen rather than responding right away, Kanuha said. 
 
"Just let people share and talk and ask for what they need, and then you can figure out if you can help them," she said. "The best place to start is just to listen." 
 
There's no blanket approach to help all victims of abuse. Their identities, whether they're a child or adult, identify as LGBTQ+, are differently abled or an undocumented immigrant, change the help they need and are able to get, Kanuha said. 
 
Covid-19 is another variable in their lives now. But it's one abuse victims share with nearly everyone.

Resources for victims of domestic violence 

National Domestic Violence Hotline Call 1-800-799-7233 or text LOVEIS to 22522

Available 24/7. Can connect callers with local resources and immediate support. Also available through online chat tool.

National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673
 
Provided by RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network). Available 24/7. Also available through online chat tool. 
 
Crisis Text Line Text HOME to 741741
Available 24/7 for victims of abuse and any other type of crisis. 
 
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-422-4453
Available 24/7 in 170 different languages. 
 
Office on Women's Health Helpline 1-800-994-9662
 
A resource provided by the US Department of Health & Human Services.
Find a list of resources organized by state here, provided by the Department of Health & Human Services' Office on Women's Health.

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Tuesday, August 07, 2018

How to Help An Abused Woman




Know the facts about woman abuse.

Assure her that you believe her story.

Listen and let her talk about her feelings.

Do not judge or give advice. Talk to her about her options.

Physical safety is the first priority. If you believe she is in danger, tell her.

Help her plan an emergency exit.

Respect her right to confidentiality.

Let her know you care and want to help.

Allow her to feel the way she does and support her decisions. Let her talk about the caring aspects of the relationship as well. Don't try to diminish her feelings about her partner. Don't criticize her for staying with him, but share information on how abuse increases over time without intervention.

Give clear messages, including:

Violence is never okay or justifiable.

Her safety and her children's safety are always the most important issues.

Wife assault is a crime.

She does not cause the abuse.

She is not to blame for her partner's behaviour.

She cannot change her partner's behaviour.

Apologies and promises will not end the violence.

She is not alone.

She is not crazy.

Abuse is not loss of control, it is a means of control.

Discuss how the violence affects the children.

Be encouraged that every time she reaches out for help she is gaining the emotional strength needed to make effective decisions. She may be too fearful and immobilized or confused to take any step immediately.

Although police can be asked to accompany a woman going back home to retrieve personal belongings, encourage her to be prepared for the possibility of leaving home in a hurry. She should have necessary documents or photocopies ready, as well as important items such as:
credit cards, cash, bank books, passport, birth certificates, citizenship papers, house keys, medications, children's favourite toy, clothing, etc.

An abused woman needs our support and encouragement in order to make choices that are right for her. However, there are some forms of advice that are not useful and even dangerous for her to hear:

Don't tell her what to do, when to leave or when not to leave.

Don't tell her to go back to the situation and try a little harder.

Don't rescue her by trying to find quick solutions.

Don't suggest you try to talk to her husband to straighten things out.

Don't place yourself in danger by confronting the assaultive man.

Don't tell her she should stay for the sake of the children.

Never recommend joint family or marital counselling in situations of emotional or
physical abuse. It is dangerous for the woman and will not lead to a resolution that is in her interest.

Encourage separate counselling for the man and woman, if they want counselling.

How to Help Children Who Witness Abuse

For Mothers

Understand that there is a reason for the child's behaviour, and acknowledge that in words for her. Children will work out reasons of their own for the turmoil, often blaming themselves, unless you discuss what is going on.

Let your children know that the fighting is not their fault.

Give them permission to talk about the abuse. Information, and talking about feelings helps to sort out what is going on. If you are not able to handle talking with your child, make sure she knows one or two other people that you feel comfortable having her talk to.

Help them to work out a safety plan: a safe place to go when there is fighting, numbers they can call, and make sure they know it is not safe to get in between fighting adults.

Acknowledge the mixed feelings they may have toward their dad; it is still okay to love him, and hate what he does.

Make sure your child knows that keeping silent about abuse at home sometimes leads to keeping silent about other negative experiences.

Help the child to identify feelings other than anger, and help them find safe ways to express those feelings. Try to notice and comment on what your child is doing right.

Be as specific as you can about what is going to happen in everyday life. Children who live with abuse need information ahead of time about where they will be, and how long they will stay. If your child has a hard time separating from you, reassure him, and tell him you will be safe and when you will be back.

Get support for yourself. It takes extra patience to cope with a child who is acting out because of witnessing abuse.

For Teachers and Child Care Workers

Try to incorporate into daily activities a discussion of feelings and how to express them and recognize them in other people. Some children who witness violence only recognize and express anger: a feeling vocabulary helps them to express what they are experiencing.

A child who witnesses abuse often has a short attention span, as a result of being constantly on edge at home. Try to avoid focusing excessive negative attention on this behaviour, and if possible, support the child in redirecting his energy.

Try to discuss behaviour in terms of "safe and not safe", rather than "bad, good, nice, not-nice". The child may already be suffering with very low self-esteem and will tend to identify with the aggressor in her family, if she hears at school that she is not nice.

Consistency, routine and follow-through are very helpful in assisting a child who is coping with violence. Try to create a feeling of safety and predictability in the child's environment, using visual cues like clocks whenever possible. Self-esteem words and phrases that identify concrete examples of positive behaviour (helpful cleaning up, shared his snack) go a long way to counter feelings of worthlessness and helplessness, especially when written down.

Be as clear as possible about rules, and consequences. Try to avoid the appearance of arbitrary punishments or decisions. Children who witness violence often have a very keen sense of justice.

Offer limited choices. This increases a child's sense of control over her world.

Try to be patient with decision making: it may be an unusual experience for her.

Give a time limit.

School-age children can benefit from discussions of gender stereotyping. Boys especially need to know that the abuser in their family is not the only way to be male.

Challenge stereotypes in popular culture that show helplessness and aggression.

Identify other ways of coping with problems.

Help the child identify her "support systems": safe family members or adults that can help a child by listening.

Know that the child's mother is doing the best they can under the circumstances. Be aware of the issues she is facing, and try not to judge her for what may look like poor parenting practices in your view. If you have noticed routines or patterns that seem to help or hinder the child, share them with his mother, but be aware that she may not always be able to act on the information immediately or consistently.

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Friday, January 19, 2018

Abuser Tactics with Children

Tactics Pictures, Images and Photos

Tactics During the Relationship

Battering/abusing her in front of the children

Threatening to hurt or kill her in front of the children

Telling the children that the victim is to blame for the violence/abuse

Justifying the violence/abuse to the children

Telling the children that the victim is a bad parent

Using other relatives to speak badly about the victim to the children

Yelling at the victim when the children "misbehave"

Getting the children to take the batterer’s side

Telling them that the victim is crazy, stupid, and incompetent

Abusing or killing the family pets

Using children as confidants (see: covert incest)

Threatening to commit suicide

Withholding money for children’s needs

Physically abusing the children

Threatening to take children if she leaves

Driving recklessly with the children and/or the victim in the car

Abusing drugs/ alcohol in front of the children

Watching pornography in front of the children

Coming home intoxicated

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Tactics After Separation

Asking children what she is doing

Asking who she is seeing

Blaming her for the separation

Blaming the victim for the relationship ending

Telling the children that they cannot be a family because of the victim

Talking about what she did "wrong"

Calling constantly to talk to the children

Showing up unexpectedly to see the children

Criticizing her new partner

Assaulting her new partner

Forcing the children to interact with his new partner, without the mother's knowledge or consent

Withholding child support/ monies for living expenses

Blaming her that HE is not paying child support

Showering children with gifts during visitation

Undermining her rules for the children

Picking up the children at school without telling her

Keeping them longer than agreed on

Abducting the children

Threatening to take custody away from the victim if she does not reconcile with the abuser

Blaming her for their health/ emotional problems

Telling them she is an alcoholic, addict, or mentally ill

Making frequent court dates to change the parenting plan

Saying she didn’t want them

Physically abusing them and telling them not to tell their mother

Abusing his new partner in front of them

Changing visitation plans suddenly and/ or frequently

SOURCE

(feel free to print this out and show it to your lawyer and family)

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Sunday, January 14, 2018

You Are NOT To Blame...



~~Mantra~~

You are not to blame for being abused

You are not the cause of another's abusive behavior

You do not like it or want it

You are an important human being

You are a worthwhile person

You deserve to be treated with respect

You do have power over your own life

You can use your power to take good care of yourself

You can decide for yourself what is best for you

You can make changes in your life if you want to

You are not alone

You can ask others for help

You can ask to be believed

You can ask others for understanding

You deserve to make your own life safe and happy.

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Saturday, December 09, 2017

Everything I've Done, I've Done for You



The 'other side' of the breakup.
by Tigress Luv

Abandoning those you love....

Yes, it hurts like hell to get dumped, abandoned, rejected, or left for another. You have given and given and given your all to a relationship... and what do you get in return? In return you get to have the person you were most attached to, willfully and purposely withdraw their love for you, and detach from you.

Getting abandoned sucks!

But, I am going to write to you right now via the perspective of being the one who does the abandoning. As a 'dumper'. Let me tell you, being the one that makes the decision to leave a relationship - well, that hurts like hell, too!

I am, at this moment, preparing to leave a man. And this guy is going to hurt like hell. And I know it. And I feel bad - I really, really do. And I know exactly what he is going to say - and I know how very true those words will be. He will say:


And, he can honestly say to himself that these things are true - because they are true. But I am leaving him anyway. Here's why:

"Everything I've done - I've done for you." Yes, this is true.
You basically have become a love-slave.
You sacrificed your friendships, you see them no more - lest I get a life and visit my friends, too.
You quit your job - to make sure I didn't do anything or go anywhere while you were gone at work.
Every move you make - you make to keep me prisoner.

"I give you everything I can." Yes, you do.


"I would always be faithful to you."
I've no doubt of that.


"I care for you and worry about you." How sweet.

"I'm good to your children. I love them" Yes, you are good to them and I do believe you love them. As a matter of fact, you are GREAT with my children. To the outside world this looks wonderful. Nobody knows the real you. But I do. You give the children a good time, take them fishing, give them hugs, do things with them, buy them treats - earn their love, trust, and faith... this is why they believe you when, as you're hugging them, you sweetly and softly whisper in their ear that their mother is a 'bar-fly whore'.

"If you're having a bad day, I don't mind helping you with the housework, or letting it slide for a day." How kind of you. How truly, truly kind. I remember you vehemently vacuuming the living room (even though it didn't need it). I remember you coming home with the flu and a fever and having to wash the walls in the hallway because you thought 'I was having trouble breathing'. Yes, to the outside world this might have looked grand. But to me, who knows you well, it was an act of control and martyrdom. Translation: Instill guilt on me at every opportunity. Next time I'm having a bad day I will - for sure - clean your home.

"I love you so much I want to make you my wife." You want to make sure I'm unavailable to other men. If another man so much as looks at me, or talks to me, you rush over and shove your hand out to shake his, "nice to meet you. This is my girl you're talking to." Why don't you just lift your leg and piss on me?

"I would never hurt you." Too bad you can't remember what you do when you are drunk or high. Which is like 8 days a week.

"I only wanted you to be happy." Really? Yes, perhaps that's true.


"Your smile I live for." Then you must be blind or dead, because - in case you haven't noticed - I haven't smiled in months. I'm physically sick every day, and the constant stress and pressure - and fear - is only making me more ill. I fear I will die if I am here with you one more day. If you want me to be happy - if you want to see me smile - then you will let me leave you without you stalking me. You will set me free and set your heart free.

....As I write this I am having an anxiety attack - after a day of deep, defeating depression. This is what abuse does to you. It is so easy for people to say, "well leave..". They don't understand how your resources can so gradually be depleted you aren't even aware of it. They don't understand how the isolation can be so enveloping that you wake up one day and realize you haven't any friends left. They don't realize how the abuser can be so subtle and crafty that you become 'needy' before you're even aware of it. They just say, "why doesn't she walk..?" and then they get angry if you don't.

And you don't walk. Because.

Because...

* Denial - Some people truly don't believe they are being abused.

 * Financial - Not only do most women make less money than a man, a lot of abused women can't work because their partner won't let them. Abusers, too, withhold money, checking account, credit cards, etc, . leaving the abused financially needy, taking away important resources needed for her to leave. This issue is compounded when there are children involved.

* Fear - Making threats to kill or harm the abused party, pets, or family members - should an abused woman chose to leave - is a very effective method abusers use to keep someone in a relationship, which is the goal of the abuser. She may feel, "why leave? He'll just hunt me down and kill me." Also, threatening suicide is a common method the abuser uses to 'keep' his victim. She really, truly does not want to feel responsible for another's pain or death.

* Love - Most people want their relationships to work. Hope that things will improve, or believing promises of 'change', keep many women in abusive relationships.

* Children - It is important for children to have good relationships with their father. Most women are compelled to try and hold the family together, innocently unaware that the abusive atmosphere is actually having an adverse affecte on her children.

* Religion - Many religions discourage divorce. Verse has it that a woman that leaves her husband is a prostitute, and any remarriage is adultery.

* External Pressures (family, church) - Yes! Abusers are - surprisingly - very well-liked. That's because most abusers are master charmers and bull-shitters. "He was such a nice man." The abuser has two faces: public and private.

* No place to go - Sometimes, by the time a woman admits or realizes the abuse, her abuser has already succeeded in isolating her from her family, friends, financial resources, and transportation.

* The Abuser's Main Goal is to Make the Abused Feel Worthless - This is to ensure that she will stay with him. As many abused women state, "no one else would ever love me. I am a miserable failure. Ugly, stupid, bad lover, can't cook, lousy mother..." "I deserve this abuse, I am a bad person. It's all my fault."

* She's Too Compassionate - The abuser can really come off as a pathetic lost child - so misunderstood. A compassionate woman often stays with an abuser because she feels so sorry for him. "No one else understands him the way I do."

* She Mistakes His Abuse for Love - Face it, who could ever love you so intensely and consuming as the abuser can? Sometimes the abuse actually feels good! This is one of those 'unadmitted' facts about abuse, that the intense jealousy and need someone has on you is actually an ego boost! "Wow - does he love me! I must be great and no where else could I find someone who will ever love me this deeply. I am wonderful!" Ugh!!!

Yes, I am about to abandon my man. And yes, he will grieve. And yes, he may find a breakup board, or a grief board, and write a post that says something like this:
"My love of my life just left me. I am so devastated. How will I survive? I love her. Everything I did - I did for her. I gave her everything I could. I never would have cheated on that woman, I loved her so much. I worried about her. I loved her children. I miss them so much. I miss her too. This is terrible. What could have gone wrong? I was so good to her. I wanted her to be my wife. I never would have hurt her. I only wanted her to be happy. How can I go on, when I lived for her smile? Oh, won't someone please help?"

And he will sound like a truly great man, grief-stricken by the woman he loved so much.

Don't think this doesn't hurt me - the abandoner. It hurts like hell. But I won't die for love.

I need to breathe again. To smile again. To not be sick and live in fear. I need to stop walking around on egg-shells. I need to feel safe, and accepted, and trusted, and I need to feel like I am giving my love freely - not like it is being coerced out of me by threats and guilt and fear.

It's not just the abandoned that hurt.

~~Tigress Luv

NOTE: To all who have answered this -

Thank you for your show of support! Abuse is the unbelievable psychological horror.

You can't help but initially fall in love with the abuser (before the abuse becomes evident) - abusers can be such charmers! They are the extreme of both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - however Mr. Hyde is well-hidden in the initial stages of the relationship.

You almost become addicted to their intense love, but before you realize you are being abused you are suckered into the life. Abuse is so subtle, and sneaks up on you so inconspicuously, that you aren't even aware of the abuse.

I know I wasn't in the beginning. I just told myself, 'he's moody' 'he's worried', 'something happened at work' 'his first wife made him distrustful' etc.

But then you just wake up one morning and realize your 'innocent zest' for life - your beautiful free spirit - exists no more. And you feel empty and without hope and joy. Your eyes betray your false show of cheerfulness around your children/co-workers/friends. Your shoulders sag, and you have become hypervigilent to EVERYTHING!

Thank you for your words.

Tigress Luv

ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE

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