Sanctuary for the Abused

Friday, March 11, 2022

BLAMING THE VICTIM

by Kathy Krajco

The first thing the victims of narcissists need to know is that they are not to blame.

Not one bit.

In other words, he didn't get mad because dinner was was late. She didn't blow up because you are "too this" or "too that." You didn't "ask for it" by speaking up and saying that you deserved some attention and respect.

The narcissist attacked you just because you are there, period. Don't you have a right to be there?

Let's get real. Narcissists think they have a right to punish you just for being the way you are. Think, don't you have the right to be the way you are? Do you have to be some character in the narcissist's fiction that conforms to his or her specifications?

Does that make any sense? That's as hateful as the crime against humanity of attacking people just for being a certain KIND or nationality.

The narcissist attacks because he or she is a predator, period. Predators attack any vulnerable prey that crosses their sights, period. Therefore, the prey is NEVER the one bit to blame.

It would make as much sense to blame a sheep for getting attacked by a wolf. So what if the wolf says, "I attacked her because she is an obnoxious sheep!" What idiot falls for that line? Yet narcissist sympathizers are doing precisely this and are therefore being irrational.

The narcissist attacked just to do it, and he or she attacks any prey they have some unfair advantage over. They never pick a fair fight. They are bullies, period.

They do it to vaunt themselves on others. It gives them a high. Like as in a high from a hit on drug.

Does this mean you are a saint? Of course not. Does it mean you have never said or done anything in an argument with a narcissist that you should regret? Of course not.

You are like a bank teller who gets shot in a holdup. You are totally innocent of getting shot. Don't let the sloppy thinkers like narcissists and their sympathizers convince you that you are to blame because you were rude, or because you were embezzling, or because you are a drug addict. All that is irrelevant TO HIM SHOOTING YOU.

Of course you should change those things about yourself, but the "intellectual" clowns who make out your character flaws as justifying abuse of you are complete idiots unable to see the relationship between cause and effect.

Being late with dinner is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you. Being "too this" or "too that" for his taste is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you. Demanding decent and respectful treatment is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you.

I don't care how "threatened" any of that makes the poor, twisted narcissist feel. His perverted feelings are HIS problem, not yours. The Narcissist will never run out of twisted excuses to irrationalize his attacks on you, so get off the guilt trip. His perversity is not YOUR vice.

Narcissists attack you just to do it. You are therefore 100% innocent of your victimization. Blow off this absurd "It takes two to Tango" crap.

Doubtless, you will discover that there are certain things you should stop doing. Good. Now you wise up and stop being manipulated in ways that play right into the narcissist's hands. Now you cannot be victimized.

THIS is how you stop being a victim.

But foggy-headed idiots (like those espousing the ridiculous co-dependence theory) try to claim that you stop being a victim by pretending that you have never been made one. That's crazy.

That is magical thinking, like the narcissist's. You HAVE been made a victim. That's a FACT, like it or not. And "victim" is not a dirty word. Though being a victim is nothing to aspire to and is something to avoid, being a victim is NOT a sin. It is nothing to be ashamed of. To the contrary, the most innocent are the most unsuspecting and most easily victimized ... until they have learned the hard way not to assume that other people are good. And these foggy-headed idiots who blame the victim should be able to see that. (Maybe if they stopped thinking in buzzword-laden slogans, like robots, they would.)

You stop being a victim by wising up so that you are never again victimized. It requires nothing beyond COMMON SENSE to realize that.

In some cases, the narcissist has stolen something of value from you, like your job or reputation - something you have every right to get back from the damned thief. You stop being a victim when you win justice and get it back, period.

SOURCE

Labels: attack, blame, blame shifting, blame the victim, blamers, codependence, codependency, excuses, manipulation, narcissist, psychopath, smear campaign, sociopath, trauma, victim blaming

shared by Barbara at 12:42 AM 1 comments

The Art of Saying "NO"

What exactly is The Art of Saying No?

A lot of people just don't like the idea of having to tell people they can't do something. Or they feel obligated when a colleague asks a favour; or feel pressurised when someone senior to them needs something done.

There are even some work places where saying no is definitely frowned upon; and in, say, the police force, could be a sackable or disciplinary offence.

After having worked for some time with people where saying no either feels impossible or just isn't allowed, we created a body of work to address it. In some cases it is indeed, how to say no without ever saying the word.

Of course, there are times when saying the 'n' word is a necessity. But in our experience, there is so much anxiety around the possible consequences of using it, that people don't say anything at all, or agree to things they'd rather not, or get landed with work that isn't theirs and so on.

That can't be good for anyone, but especially the person who finds themselves staying late at the end of the day to get their own work done after they've finished everyone else's; or who swallows their resentment when they are 'volunteered' for something they don't want to do; or who quakes at the idea of having to be a bit tougher with a supplier or even someone they manage.

It's Not Assertiveness

The reason we've been asked this is that assertiveness training has been around for some time, and people wonder if this art of saying no business isn't just more of the same.

Well, no it isn't, and here's why.

We believe the very term 'assertiveness' is limiting. For instance, people say you should be assertive rather than aggressive, as if assertiveness is the only way to deal with a difficult situation. It isn't. If you are being attacked or abused, then aggressively fighting back may well be an appropriate thing to do. The key word here is appropriate.

So yes, aggressiveness may be appropriate, assertiveness may be appropriate, but there's a greater range of choice of behaviour than those two types that could be equally appropriate.

Before we discuss them, though, we want to talk about some of the things that happen to people when what they think and feel is different from what they do.

Many 'unassertive' people recognise that their pattern of behaviour is to be nice or compliant for far longer than they really want to until they reach the point of no longer being able to hold it in; then they explode nastily and inappropriately all over whoever happens to be around.

There are three ways this 'explosion' can happen. The first is that the rage happens inside the head and remains unexpressed. The second is that it is inappropriately expressed, and someone not involved, like a work colleague or secretary or even a bus conductor, becomes the recipient. The third is properly directed at the 'offending party' but is out of all proportion to the probably small, but nonetheless final-straw-event that unleashes it.

Not Nice Not Nasty

This leaves people with the impression that there are only two states or behaviours they can do: Nice or Nasty. When, in fact, they have forgotten a whole range of behaviour that lies between Nice and Nasty that can be termed Not-Nice (or even Not-Nasty).

What we've seen with assertiveness, is that it is often seen as a single form of behaviour: just say no, stand your ground, be a broken record - all quite difficult if you are truly unassertive, or in our jargon - simply too nice for your own good. The concept of asserting yourself, (getting your voice heard, being understood, being taken into account, getting your own way) needs to be broadened to include all forms of behaviour. It can include humour, submission, irresponsibility, manipulation, playfulness, aggressiveness, etc.

The key point here is that the behaviour - nice, not-nice, nasty - is chosen. We emphasise the word key, because until people are able to choose behaviour that's free from the limiting effects of their fear of possible consequences, they will not be able to act no matter how well they are taught to be assertive. They will still feel overwhelmed in difficult situations.

Managing Feelings

It needs to be acknowledged that the strong feelings associated with changing behaviour are real and valid. Once people do that, then these (usually difficult) feelings can be looked upon as a good thing, a sign that something new is happening. At this point people can start to 'choose' to have these feelings rather than having to endure them or trying to pretend they are not happening.

The idea of choice is very important. If people feel they have real choice about how they behave, they start to realise that it can be OK to put up with something they don't like. They can choose it because they want to; it is to their advantage. They then avoid the disempowering tyranny of always having to assert themselves. (Which is almost as bad as feeling you always have to be compliant or nice.)

Many people think that in order to be assertive, you need to ignore what you are feeling and just 'stand your ground'. In fact, you ignore those feelings at your peril.

Often the magnitude of peoples' feelings is way out of proportion to what the situation warrants. They may well reflect a previous difficult event more accurately. But because that previous difficulty was so difficult, it feels as though every similar situation will be the same.

It is only by beginning to experience and understand how crippling these feelings can be that people can start to do anything about changing their behaviour. Many people know what they could say; they know what they could do. Most 'unassertive' people have conversations in their heads about how to resolve a conflict they're in; but still, their mouths say 'yes', while their heads say 'no'. Knowing what to do or say is not the issue here.

Therefore, in looking at practising 'the art of saying no', it is wise to broaden the brief to so that it isn't about becoming more assertive; rather it's about changing your behaviour to fit the circumstances.

While in many circumstances assertiveness can be a straight jacket of it's own (often creating resistance and resentment), the full lexicon of behaviour can be freeing, because there is choice in the matter. Using charm, humour, telling the truth or even deliberate manipulation, may well get you what you want without having to attempt behaviour that may go against your personality.

If you add a dash of fun or mischief, The Art of Saying No becomes a doable prospect, rather than another difficult mountain to climb.

Saying No

Here are some pointers of what could make it easier to say 'no'.

If you're saying something serious, notice whether you smile or not. Smiling gives a mixed message and weakens the impact of what you're saying.

If someone comes over to your desk and you want to appear more in charge, stand up. This also works when you're on the phone. Standing puts you on even eye level and creates a psychological advantage.

If someone sits down and starts talking to you about what they want, avoid encouraging body language, such as nods and ahas. Keep your body language as still as possible.

Avoid asking questions that would indicate you're interested (such as, 'When do you need it by?' or 'Does it really have to be done by this afternoon?' etc.)

It's all right to interrupt! A favourite technique of ours is to say something along the lines of, 'I'm really sorry; I'm going to interrupt you.' Then use whatever tool fits the situation. If you let someone have their whole say without interrupting, they could get the impression you're interested and willing. All the while they get no message to the contrary, they will think you're on board with their plan (to get you to do whatever...)

Pre-empt. As soon as you see someone bearing down on you (and your heart sinks because you know they're going to ask for something), let them know you know: 'Hi there! I know what you want. You're going to ask me to finish the Henderson report. Wish I could help you out, but I just can't.'

Pre-empt two. Meetings are a great place to get landed with work you don't want. You can see it coming. So to avoid the inevitable, pre-empt, 'I need to let everyone know right at the top, that I can't fit anything else into my schedule for the next two weeks (or whatever).'

Any of these little tips can help you feel more confident and will support your new behaviour. For that's what this is: If you're someone whom others know they can take advantage (they may not even be doing it on purpose, you're just an easy mark!) you need to indicate by what you do that things have changed.

Here's an Analogy:

Let's say you're a burglar. There's a row of identical houses and you're thinking of having a go at five of them. The first house has a Yale lock on the front door. The second house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door. The third house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door and bars on the window. The fourth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window and burglar alarm. The fifth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window, a burglar alarm and a Rottweiler.

Which would you burgle?

When you make it easy for other people, they will naturally keep coming back. By learning more effective ways of saying 'no' you make it harder for others to expect you to do what they want without taking into account what's going on for you. You become more burglar-proof.

Changing Others by Changing Yourself

A lot of us wish that the person we are in conflict with, or feel intimidated by, would change. Then everything would be all right. We've all heard this from a colleague, friend, partner and even said it ourselves: 'If only he'd listen to me, then I wouldn't be so frightened.' 'If only she'd stop complaining about my work, I'd be much happier.'

'If only' puts the onus on the other person to change how and who they are and makes them responsible for how we feel. By using some of the tools outlined above, people can get a sense of being in charge of situations, rather than being victims to what other people want.

It does seem to be part of human nature to blame others when things go wrong in our lives, or when we're feeling hard done by. If you take away the 'if only' excuse you also take away the need to blame and make the other person wrong. It's also rather wonderful to think that rather than waiting for someone else to change to make things all right, we all have the ability to take charge of most situations and make them all right for ourselves.

What also makes it easier is that we all just have to get better at 'the art of saying no'; none of us has to change our whole personalities to create a more satisfying outcome!

Labels: blame, excuses, feelings, guilt, responsibility, saying no, take charge

shared by Barbara at 12:38 AM 2 comments

10 WARNING SIGNS OF WORD SALAD

by Peace

This article is from a later chapter of the Psychopath Free book (click to view on Amazon).

When they’re feeling threatened or bored, psychopaths will often use what’s called “word salad” in an attempt to keep your mind occupied. Basically, it’s a conversation from hell. They aren’t actually saying anything at all. They’re just talking at you. Before you can even respond to one outrageous statement, they’re already on to the next. You’ll be left with your head spinning. Study the warning signs, and disengage before any damage can be done:

1. Circular conversations

You’ll think you worked something out, only to begin discussing it again in two minutes. And it’s as if you never even said a word the first time around. They begin reciting all of the same tired garbage, ignoring any legitimate arguments you may have provided moments ago. If something is going to be resolved, it will be on their terms. With psychopaths, the same issues will come up over and over again—why are they so friendly with their ex again? Why are they suddenly not paying any attention to you? Why do they sound so eager to get off the phone? And every time you bring up these issues, it’s as if you never even had the argument in the past. You get sucked back in, only to feel crazy & high-maintenance when they decide “I’m sick of always arguing about this.” It’s a merry-go-round.

2. Bringing up your past wrongdoings & ignoring their own

If you point out something nasty they're doing—like ignoring you or cheating—they’ll mention something totally unrelated from the past that you’ve done wrong. Did you used to drink too much? Well then, their cheating isn’t really all that bad compared to your drinking problem. Were you late to your first date two years ago? Well then, you can’t complain about them ignoring you for three days straight. And God forbid you bring up any of their wrongdoings. Then, you are a bitter lunatic with a list of grievances.

3. Condescending & patronizing tone

The entire conversation will have this calm, cool demeanor. It’s almost as if they’re mocking you, gaging your reactions to see how much further they can push. When you finally react emotionally, that’s when they’ll tell you to calm down, raise their eyebrows, smirk, or feign disappointment. The whole point of word salad is to make you unhinged, and therefore give them the upper hand. Because remember, conversations are competitions—just like anything else with a psychopath.

4. Accusing you of doing things that they themselves are doing

I mentioned this in the previous section about psychopaths putting you on the defense. In heated arguments, psychopaths have no shame. They will begin labeling you with their own horrible qualities. It goes beyond projection, because most people project unknowingly. Psychopaths know they are smearing you with their own flaws, and they are seeking a reaction. After all, how can you not react to such blatant hypocrisy?

5. Multiple personas

Through the course of a word salad conversation, you’re likely to experience a variety of their personalities. It’s sort of like good cop, bad cop, demented cop, stalker cop, scary cop, baby cop. If you’re pulling away, sick of their abuse and lies, they will restore a glimpse of the idealize phase. A little torture to lure you back in with promises of marriage and children. If that doesn’t work, suddenly they’ll start insulting the things they once idealized. You’ll be left wondering who you’re even talking to, because his personas are imploding as they struggle to regain control. Our beloved administrator, Victoria, summed this up perfectly: “The devil himself was unleashed in a desperate fit of fury after being recognized: twisting, turning, writhing, spewing, flattering, sparkling, vomiting.”

6. The eternal victim

Somehow their cheating and lying will always lead back to a conversation about their abusive past or a crazy ex. You will end up feeling bad for them, even when they've done something horribly wrong. You will instead use it as an opportunity to bond with them over their supposed complex feelings. And once they have successfully averted your attention elsewhere, everything will go back to the way it was. No bonding or deep spiritual connection whatsoever. Psychopaths cry “abuse”—but in the end, you are the one left with nothing.

7. You begin explaining basic human emotions

You find yourself explaining things like “empathy” and “feelings” and “being nice”. Normal adults do not need to be taught the golden rules from kindergarten. You are not the first person who has attempted to see the good in them, and you will not be the last. You think to yourself, “if they can just understand why I’m hurt, then they’ll stop doing it.” But they won’t. They wouldn’t have done it in the first place if they were a decent human being. The worst part is, they pretended to be decent when you first met—sucking you in with this sweet, caring persona. They know how to be kind & good, but they find it boring.

8. Excuses

Everyone messes up every now and then, but psychopaths recite excuses more often than they actually follow through with promises. Their actions never match up with their words. You are disappointed so frequently that you feel relieved when they do something decent—they condition you to become grateful for the mediocre.

9. “What in the world just happened”

These conversations leave you drained. You will be left with an actual headache. You will spend hours, even days, obsessing over the argument. You’ll feel as if you exhausted all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing. You will have a million pre-planned arguments in your head, ready to respond to all the unaddressed points that you couldn’t keep up with. You will feel the need to defend yourself. You’ll try to come up with a diplomatic solution that evenly distributes the blame, and therefore gives you both a chance to apologize and make up. But in the end, you’ll find that you’re the only one apologizing.

SOURCE (check out this great site!)

Labels: blame shifting, circular conversations, condescending, confusion, excuses, narcissist, patronizing, psychopath, schizophasia, sociopath, word salad

shared by Barbara at 12:01 AM 6 comments

If He/ She REALLY Wants to Change

There are two main principles to keep in mind when deciding how much potential an abuser has to become a kind, respectful partner in the long run:

1. He cannot change unless he deals deeply with his entitled and superior attitudes. No superficial changes that he may make offer any real hope for the future.

2. It makes no difference how NICE he is being to you, since almost all abusers have nice periods. What matters is how RESPECTFUL and NONCOERCIVE he chooses to become.

Holding on to these fundamental points, you can use the following guide to help you identify changes that show promise of being genuine. We are looking for "yes" answers to these questions.

Has he learned to treat your opinions with respect, even when they differ strongly from his?

Is he accepting your right to express anger to him, especially when it involves his history of mistreating you?

Is he respecting your right to freedom and independence? Does that include refraining from all interference with your friendships and giving up the demand to always know where you are and whom you are with?

Has he stopped making excuses for his behavior, including not using your behavior as an excuse fo his?

Is he being respectful about sex, applying no pressure and engaging in no guilt trips?

Has he stopped cheating or flirting with other women, or using other behaviors that keep you anxious that he will stray?

Does he listen to your side in arguments without interupting, and then make a serious effort to respond thoughfully to your points, even if he doesn't like them?

Have you been free to raise your grievances, new or old, without retaliation from him?

Has he stopped talking about his abuse as if it were an accident and begun to acknowledge the he used it to control you?

Is he actually responding to your grievances and doing something about them (for example, changing the way he behaves toward your children)?

Has he greatly reduced or eliminated his use of controlling behaviors (such as sarcasm, rolling his eyes, loud disgusted sighs, talking over you, using the voice of ultimate authority, and other demostrations of disrespect or superiority) during conversations and arguments?

When he does slip back into controlling behavior, does he take you seriously when you complain about it and keep working on improving?

Is he being consistent and responsible in his behavior, taking into account how his actions affect you without having to be constantly reminded?

Is he acting noticeably less demanding, selfish, and self-centered?

Is he being fair and responsible about money, including allowing you to keep you own assets in your own name?

Has he stopped any behaviors that you find threatening or intimidating?

Has he significantly expanded his contribution to household and child-rearing responsibilities and stopped taking your domestic work for granted or treating you like a servant?

Has he begun supporting your strengths rather than striving to undermine them?

Have you had any major angry argument with him in which he has shown signs fo a new willingness to conduct himself nonabusively?

**************
Clear Signs of An Abuser Who ISN'T Changing

*He says he can only change if you change too.

*He says he can only change if you "help" him change, by giving him emotional support, reassurance and forgiveness, and by spending a lot of time with him. This often means that he wants your to abandon any plans you had to take a break from seeing him.

*He criticizes you for not realizing how much he has changed.

*He criticizes you for not trusting that his change will last.

*He criticizes you for considering him capable of behaving abusively even though he in fact had done so in the past (or has threatened to) as if you should know that he "would never do something like that", even though he has.

*He reminds you about the bad things he would have done in the past but isn't doing anymore, which amounts to a subtle threat.

*He tells you that you are taking too long to make up your mind, that he can't "wait forever", as a way to pressure you not to take the time you need to collect yourself and to assess how much he's really willing to change.

*He says, "I'm changing, I'm changing," but you don't feel it.

Be Straight with Yourself

To use good judgement and make wise decisions about the prospect of change in your abusive partner, you need to be honest WITH YOURSELF. Because you love him, or you have children with him, or leaving would be difficult for other reasons, you may be sorely tempted to get overly hopeful about small concessions that he finally makes.

If he doesn't budge for five years, or twenty years, and then he finally moves an inch, your ehaustion can make you think, Hey! An inch! That's progress! You may wish to overlook all the glaring signs indicating that his basic attitudes and strategies remain intact. Beware of his deception and your own self-deception.

I have heard such heart-rending sadness in the voices of many dozens of abused women who have said to me, "I wish I could somehow recover all those years I wasted waiting around for him to deal with his issues." Save yourself that sadness if you can, by insisting on nothing less than complete respect.

************************************************
The previous was excerpted from the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, pgs 346-351

(Bancroft wrote this in the male gender. Your abuser may well be female.)

Labels: abuser, change, cheating, entitlement, excuses, freedom, kindness, listen, respect

shared by Barbara at 12:54 AM 2 comments

Porn Addicts

Accountability

As men, we carry our pride like a badge of honor. We use it for a shield against anything that might threaten our self-esteem. We hide behind it when other people attempt to offer suggestions which, if followed, would require us to change our courses in life. We know better than anyone else what is best for ourselves. After all, we managed to bring ourselves to the place in life where we are. And we will do a fine job of going on the next step.

Therein lies one of the greatest problems that men who are addicted to pornography face. Because they believe that they know what is best for them, and because they do not want anyone violating their manhood by telling them what to do, they continue blindly down the same road of destruction that brought them to the place where they are. That place may be one where, because of his pornography addiction, his marriage has fallen apart, his financial situation has deteriorated, and worst of all, his spiritual relationship has all but disappeared.

It is crucial that men come to the understanding that they cannot fight this battle alone. Perhaps you are one who considers himself to be a "self-made man," one who has fought his way up the corporate ladder - only to find that you were the only one there when you arrived. If you are a pornography addict, you should consider that by yourself, you managed to crawl all the way to where you are. In the world of pornography use and addiction, the ladder goes down, not up. It goes straight down into a pit that has the ability to totally consume any of us.

Accountability is often discounted as nothing more than a crutch, a place to hide one's own inadequacies. Objections to accountability are usually rooted in pride - that same pride that says you don't need help.

Admitting the need for accountability is not surrendering your manliness. It is not the sign of a weak person. It is not a crutch that might allow one to think he can walk without assistance when in fact, he can't. Instead, it is the sign of a man who is big enough to admit that he cannot do everything. Accountability is one of the most powerful weapons we have in the battle against pornography addiction. The use of that weapon allows us to admit to our friend (our accountability partner) that we have come against something that, at least for a moment was more powerful than we were. It allows us to admit that we need help to fight that enemy, but in a way that brings no reproach. Ultimately, it provides support in a battle that simply cannot be fought alone.

Straight answers to tough questions and excuses.
Accountability is only one part of a successful plan for recovery. There are other factors involved, like getting over the selfishness that characterizes most pornography addicts.

An accountable person... - is not afraid to be vulnerable.
- gladly accepts the availability of such helps as a filtered ISP [or counseling]
- can recognize and admit when he has fallen.
- picks himself back up after a fall.
- can face those they hurt, genuinely apologize and make amends

The Accountability Partner

What they are...

- A friend who cares enough to ask the hard questions.

- One who is willing to be diligent in keeping contact with the addicted person.

- One who is capable of looking beyond the hurts, anger, and frustration that characterizes pornography addiction.

What he is not...

- A person upon whom the addicted one can cast his facade of normalcy.

- One who is to be taken advantage of.

- One whom you should expect to believe your excuse or lies.

- One who 'sticks their head in the sand' and believes the best of you inspite of the truth

- [One who will not o.k. your need to run from the consequence of your actions.]

Labels: accountability, addiction, consequences, excuses, lies, porn, sex addiction

shared by Barbara at 12:20 AM 1 comments

Red Flags

Psychopaths and Ns, as well as other abusers often massively use passive aggressive tactics, as well as overt and covert aggression. They are indicators that the person is not willing to take responsibility for their interactions. They are signposts for us as well.......

How do you recognize a "red flag?" It will be a thought or concern that jumps out at you that you quickly rationalize, excuse, or justify. .. They are surfacing for a reason, pay attention when they do...

NUMBERED BELOW AS FOLLOWS:
1. THE RED FLAG
2. THE JUSTIFICATION
3. THE REALITY

1. Showed no anger
2. Did not see it as a problem
3. Should have, everyone gets angry, surfaced later; indirectly, covertly...

1. Committed Adultery
2. Everyone makes mistakes
3. Never admitted to making a mistake...When asked why they broke up, said, "she bitched too much...It never happened, someone made that up about me.... she/he planted that information, its not true... she/he was a player too... I was so lonely... you/they were cold to me...."

1. Indirectly blamed ex-wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/anyone else for everything
2. Thought how terrible she must have been, she didn't understand him
3. Didn't make himself understood, later it was implied that all problems were my fault as well.

1. Appeared to have had a lot of misfortune but would not "talk about it".
2. Felt very sorry for him, felt that he needed someone to love and treat him well.
3. A martyr....carries around old wounds like a badge of honor...

1. 1st trip together, asked another couple to go along without informing me, or asking me
2. Shy
3. Intimacy problems, not to mention no regard for my preferences

1. Showed more sensitivity and concern for others than for me
2. Thought eventually I would "earn" his respect, concern, etc.
3. No one should have to earn "respect" for their feelings

1. Wouldn't talk about prior relationships/his past and/or communicate about our relationship
2. Shy, introverted
3. Hiding something? Emotionally shut down...Communication is a must in any relationship

1. Relative told me that I was good for him
2. Boost to my ego
3. Should have questioned why he needed someone to "be good for him"

1. Another relative said that he was cold and unfeeling
2. Again, thought he was misunderstood, was treating me well
3. He was cold and unfeeling once we were married... should have questioned why a relative would say that....

1. Ask me to sell my home, and move into one he co-owned with a relative which he planned on "giving" to that relative at a later date
2. I was very angry when this happened.
3. This should have stopped me in my tracks...and sent me running...realizing that I would always be last on the list....

Labels: abusers, excuses, lack of empathy, narcissists, reality, red flags, responsibility, sociopaths

shared by Barbara at 12:10 AM 0 comments

Know Excuses

KNOW EXCUSES!
Abusers will minimize, justify, deny, distort, lie about and blame others for their behavior to escape consequences, It is our responsibility to hold them accountable.

The following quotes are taken from batterers in the Alternatives to Domestic Aggression (ADA) Program of Catholic Social Services of Washtenaw County.

I wasn't able to stop there
It was an accident
I don't accept change
I didn't know how to be accountable
Accountability didn't stick with me
I didn't get my act together
I didn't adapt to the way society is now
My adrenaline overflowed
We're Afro-American / Hispanic / Italian / etc. and that's how we talk
She was coming after me
It was an afterthought
I guess I got too aggressive
That's what got me aggressive
Everything was up in the air
Alcohol came in to play
Alcohol brought the violence out of me
Alcohol enhanced the problem
Alcohol escalates a little bit
The alcohol controlled me
Alcohol was involved
The alcohol started talking
Alcohol set me off like a keg of dynamite
I had an alcohol problem
I had a little alcohol
I'm more succeptable to violence on alcohol
The alcohol changes my personality
It was an alcohol related incident
I was really under the influence of alcohol
She allowed it
It was a lot at one time
There was an altercation happening
We got into a little altercation
I had no alternatives
She was anemic
I tried to let her know what life is like in America
That's how I am
I didn't analyze the situation
Anger comes out of me
The anger escalates
I have an anger problem
I was venting my anger
I couldn't control my anger
I had an anger problem
I did it out of anger
I don't handle anger well
Anger creates violence
I had an inability to control my anger
My anger controlled me
I didn't know how to vent my anger in a different way
I was into the anger thing
My anger got the better of my rational thinking
I got angry and didn't use patience
I didn't have the right answers
We kept upping the ante
It was an animal response to a perceived threat
An argument broke out
Before I knew it we got to arguing
It's an arguing type situation
We had a violent argument
The argument started in the bedroom and went into the kitchen
I was avoiding an argument
We got into an argument match
I got into a violent argument
The argument got out of hand
We had a basic sibling argument
We had a normal argument
We had a domestic argument
We just had an argument
We had physical arguments
It was an overheated argument
We were in a heated argument
We both used all of our artillery
She asked me to hit her
I was half asleep
I didn't have an opportunity to be assertive
It was a detrimental atmosphere
I kind of got an attitude
I have an attitude problem
I bring alot of attitude home with me from work
My attitude overtook my actions
It became automatic
It's kind of automatic
I was avoiding the bigger problem
I was avoiding hurting her
I was avoiding punching her
I didn't get away from the situation
I came back on her
My back was up against the wall
I backslid
I was just getting back at her in some demented way
I had a physical background
If she was a bad woman she deserved a pop in the eye
My relationship went bad
It got really bad
I'm baffled about it all
I was baited into it
She lost her balance
I went bananas
She was in the bar
Without thinking I barked
It was that strong German beer
That behavior came out
My behavior was wrong
My behavior repeated itself
It was violent behavior
Being what I am
Things got the best of me
It was the best I could do
I let my inner self get the best of me
I was beside myself watching
I wasn't a better man
I just avoided the bigger problem
Sometimes I get angry and blackout
I blew up
The flame blew
It built up inside until I blew up
It was a blight on our weekend
I was blind to what was going on
Sometimes I have blinders on
The abuse blossomed in our relationship
It's in my blood
The blood boiled
We blow up at each other
We had a blowout
I might have blown up
It happened out of the blue
I blurted out
My anger boiled over
I got to my boiling point
I was boiling
I just boiled over
I took so much until I get to the boiling point
I didn't put it in my book
All of a sudden, boom, it happens
Then, boom, out of nowhere
I was born with aggressiveness
I let women bother me
I was boxed in
I didn't engage my brain before my mouth
I didn't know how to break off
I didn't put on the breaks
We had a mutual breakup
I was brewing
I was pushed to the brink
That's when everything broke loose
I broke
I broke there
I was brought up that way
I guess things build up in me
It builds up
It was all built up inside me
A lot of things built up to it
Everything built up on me
I build and build and one day boom
I was like a bull in heat
It was the stress of my buttons being pushed
All the time people push my buttons
I let a lot of things push my buttons
She controlled my buttons
She pushed my anger buttons
She taunted me
I had a buzz on
Sometimes it just goes right by
I calmed her down
She destroyed my calm
I couldn't calm down
I couldn't keep it calm
That's the way it came out
The abuse came up out of me
It came out of me before I could stop and think about it
It just came out
I can't shut up
I wasn't careful
I was getting too carried away
I got carried away
I didn't catch myself
I didn't catch a key subject that came up
I was caught off guard
I got caught up in anger
I got caught up in my violent behavior
I got caught up in this one incident
I got caught up in the situation
Something caused me to do it
It was cause and effect
It takes two to cause
I was off center
I didn't get a second chance
I changed
I was going through some changes
Chemicals altered my way of judgment
My chemistry takes over
I was just being childish
I didn't have a choice
I had no choice
I made the wrong choice
I made a bad choice
I made bad choices
I made horrible choices
I made some real poor choices
I don't choose to yell and scream
I was in a violent circle
The whole circumstance came down
I don't know if I'm going to click
It wasn't the suit of clothes I wanted to put on
Cocaine showed the bad side of me
There was physical combat between us
The b-word comes out
It comes out
It just comes out that way
This problem kept coming up
My anxiety and frustration starts coming out
I couldn't communicate with her
Our communication didn't work
It takes two to tango
It's the only way I know how to cover up my communication skills
I put myself in a compromising situation
I couldn't concentrate
I jumped to conclusions
I had a nervous condition
I was conditioned to act that way
There was a confrontation
I got confused
I'm no good at confusion
I did not consciously do it
We had hostile contact
I was out of my context
I was containing her
I couldn't control my temper
I wasn't in control enough of what I said
It led on to where I got out of control
I couldn't talk without losing control
I lost control and everything bad
It was a situation I couldn't control
My efforts to control myself failed repeatedly
I was on the verge of losing control
I got out of control
I lost more control
I didn't have enough control
I tend to get out of control
Things got way out of control
I didn't know how to control myself
I was being controlled by someone else
I felt like she was controlling me
I was backed into a corner
We both lost control
I couldn't avoid a confrontation
I couldn't take it anymore!
I couldn't stop it
We're like a lot of couples in that respect
It had to run its course
I cracked
I went crazy
It was crazy
I just went crazy
My bad attitude crept back in
I crossed the border
I crossed over
I'm on a cruise
It was the culmination of a lot of bad things
It was a daily abusive thing
We did this dance together
I had a hard day
I brought a bad day home with me
I was having a hard day
It's just how I deal with things
I couldn't deal with it
I couldn't deal with the situation
I just f'ed up and made the wrong decision
I made that bad decision
I made the wrong decision
I made a very, very bad decision
I went off the deep end
It's a character defect
I reacted to defend myself
I was defending myself
I automatically take a defense
It was a defensive reaction
I was brought up on the defensive side
It was a delusional thought I acted on
I was deranged with bitterness
I'm not perfect at diagnosing people's problems
I didn't do it
I was diffusing her upset and irrational behavior
I was just directing her out
I have never directly abused them from a physical standpoint
I didn't have self-discipline
We had some discrepancies
She was just as bad
It's a disease
That's my attention deficit disorder
It was a minor dispute
It was a divorce issue
I was on her like a rabid dog
I don't know what I do
It was a domestic dispute
I took a dominant role
It was a real cheap door
She went down to the ground
I didn't realize what was going on until it all went down
I get angry when I drink
The drinking made it physical
I was driven toward that goal
I was drunk
She initiated the whole thing by being drunk
I was half way drunk
I go off the edge
I was right on the edge
She took me over the edge
I was set over the edge
I get too emotional
I get a little bit too emotional
I am emotionally weak
My emotions were at their wits' end
I should have handled my emotions better
My emotions take over
I didn't keep my emotions down
My emotions erupt
I can't handle my emotions
I had angry, violent emotions
I ended up hurting her shoulder
I ended up hitting her
I ended the argument
Drinking enhanced my problem
It had an energy of its own
I couldn't do enough for her
I didn't remove myself from the abusive environment
I'm not equipped to handle things ahead of time
It erupted in me
I finally erupted
Violence erupts
The argument would escalate
Our fight was escalating
Everything escalated
We escalated our voices
It escalated to physical abuse
It got escalated
The situation really escalated
It escalated from that
It kept escalating on
A small argument escalated into a serious situation
I got even with her
It was an abusive event
My evil side came out that night
I'm not the domestic violator her ex-husband was
We exchanged some words
There were words exchanged
I didn't see any exit
I more or less expected her to be obedient
I explode
I hold it in and then explode
Things build up and I explode
I exploded at her
I exploded at them
She was irrational and explosive
I was just expressing my opinion
We got in each others face
I was a failure
I took a fall
It's easy to fall into things
It had gone too far
We went farther than any time before
I was going too fast
My father doesn't have a lot of patience
It's a fault of mine
It's a fault that leads to argumentation
I returned the favor
My fear came out in abuse
I was fed up
I don't feel good
I fell into it
I fell back into it
I fell off the map
I fell back into that old person
It was a situation I fell into
It festered until it came out into the open
I couldn't figure her out
We ended up getting in a fight
Our fight got extreme
We had a fight
We had a fist fight
We got in a fight
It was because we were fighting
The fights started to get a little more physical
I find myself doing it
My finger poked her in the eye
My fingernails grow too fast
My fingernails were a little longer than they are now
It was the first thing that came to me
I did not use fisticuffs
I was too fixated
I flew off the handle
It's because of my flighty thinking
I fly off the handle
It set me off on a bad foot
I realized that I used too much force
She forced me to
I was forced to
We found ourselves in conflict
I found myself arguing back with her
I found myself somewhere I didn't want to be
I found myself chasing her
I'd freak out
I was in a frenzy
I was venting frustration
We f'ed up
I blew a fuse
I have a short fuse
I had a short fuse
I blew a gasket
She poured gasoline on the fire
I'm a Gemini
It was a generational cycle
In my generation it's the way we spoke
It was a generational thing
It's in my genes
I was genetically born with it
My anger came out like a bad Genie
I was on my gentlemanly way and she proceeded to hit me
I let her get to me
I let it get to me
She would get me to do it
I go off
I could only go so far
I let myself go
She got my goat
I got going with what I had to do
I got going
I'm not good in one-on-one relationships
I thought the violence was going to be gone
There was a gun involved
It had gone too far
She got to me
That's the way I grew up
I got into a groove of life
I didn't want to grow up
She wasn't grown up
It caught me off guard
That's the kind of guy I am
I have this bad habit
It's a bad habit
Force of habit
I picked up her bad habits
I had to
Things got out of hand
I used my hands
Every man should be able to handle one woman
I had a hard day
An argument happened
What happened, happened
When that happened
The assault happened
It happened that way
Things happened quick one night
It happened in an argument
It's what happened in the past
It just happened
It happened
We fight and it happens again
Sometimes that happens
Came to a head
I didn't know what was heading me into this
I was headed down that road
Heat of the moment
It happened in the heat of an argument
Sometimes when the heat gets turned up things come out
It got heated up
Heat of passion
I got heated up
Some heated words were exchanged
I held her back from hitting me
I got into it with her
All hell broke loose
I can't help myself
It's hereditary
I have a high history of violence in my life
I was holding her in my arms
She's just a woman scorned
The honeymoon wore off
She had a bad hormonal imbalance
It was a hot button
My house needs to be designed differently
It's an abusive house
It's because I'm human
I had no idea I would be offensive
I was showing my ignorance
It was in me
I was into the battering incident
They were incidents
I had there have been incidents of violence
I was incoherent
She initiated the violence
Hell hath no fury...
I dealt with it inappropriately
I went insane
It was an insecure thing
Alcohol was the instigator
It's my basic instinct
It's my aggressive male instinct
I was not very intelligent
I got into it with her
I was intoxicated
I introduced a gun into the discussion
I was too personally involved
I was irrational
It was rather isolated
It was a wrong judgment call
It's our karma
I was acting like a little kid
We knew each other too well
The next thing I knew The knife was thrown in the fire
We knocked each other down
I didn't know better
I don't know what came over me after a while I just - I don't know
I didn't know what I was doing
I don't know how it came up
I was lacking in communication
I lapsed in to my same pattern
It was too late to pause and reflect
I didn't laugh, my lip just went up
I didn't learn my lesson
One thing led to another
It all led up to that
I was on the edge of what was legal
I was giving her a lesson
We didn't let it go
I had license to be angry
Violence was a part of our life
Sometimes life is abusive
I've been living that lifestyle
Liquor makes me violent
I was with her too long
There are situations where I really lose control
I was verbally losing it
I was losing it
I lost my ability to control myself
I lost my cool
I lost control
I lost it
We get loud sometimes
It was loud
We weren't in love
I have a problem with lying
It makes me
I was not being a man
I'm not that kind of man
It manifested itself
It was a bad marriage
That's not me
I didn't mean to hurt her
I didn't mean to do it
I didn't mean it
It was a meeting of the thing
All the men in my family do it
It was a bad mess
I was a messed up person
She messed me up
Your mind comes up against a roadblock
I can't know what was in my mind
I don't know what was going through my mind
My mind wasn't on it
I wasn't in my everyday mind
I naturally wasn't in my right mind
I had too much on my mind
I wasn't in my right mind
I was misinterpreted
I made a stupid mistake
It was a mistake
I made a human mistake
I repeated my mistake
It was because of how she spent money
It was my mood change
I was in a mood
It was this ornery mood I have
I was in a bad mood
She was in the arguing mode
We have our moments
There was still more abuse after that
I was going through the motions
I engaged my mouth without thinking
I moved her out of the way
I came back to myself
It's a natural human response
It's just my nature
Somebody needed to do it
She got on my last nerve
I let it get to my nerves
I get nervous
I didn't go to a neutral place
I am a non-violent person
It was before noon
I wasn't my normal self
It came out of nowhere
I was still numb
Out on the nut
The fight occurred
An affair occurred
I went off
I offered to shoot my wife
I had an old-fashioned way of doing things
It was the only way I knew
I couldn't let the opportunity go by
My abuse got out of hand
I had an outburst
We had a violent outburst
I was over reacting
I overreacted a little bit
I reacted totally overboard
I went overboard
I over-disciplined her
I can't stop being abusive overnight
I overreact
I overreacted to the situation
I overstepped myself
I overstepped my bounds
My parents formed my values
It was a part of me
It was a part of my personality
I can't get past this
I was led down the wrong path
I lost my patience
People let me do it
I was another person it's in my personality
What my inside personality, Igor, did was very bad
I didn't keep things in perspective
It was petty behavior
It was a phase I was going through
The phone hit her
Before I knew it was getting physical
It got a little physical sometimes
When it's about to get physical
I'm not a physical person
I was physical with her
We got physical
Things got physical
We were on a different plain
It went until it played itself out
I was less than pleasant
I couldn't please her
I was just getting my point across
I get to the point where I get somewhat violent
I reached my breaking point
It just popped out of me
Something possessed me to do it
I was powerless and didn't know what to do
She precipitated my way of thinking
I can't think as precise when I'm ticked off
I can't keep the pressure from blowing up and hurting someone
Pressure built up because she goes to school
I can't control the pressure inside of me
I threw my principles out the window
I turned off my principles
I had a big problem with that
I had a little problem
My son had become a problem
I was programmed to act this way
It progressed from that point
She provoked me
I was protecting myself
She pulled her head away
It was a punctuation
Push turned in to shove, shove turned into choking
I get pushed over the edge
It started out as a pushing thing
I'm a pussy if I walk away
It all happened quick
I have a quick temper
Everything happened so quick
I went into the rage
I let the rage get the better of me
It's my rage
I would rage
I woke up in a rage of fighting
I had to express my rage
I kind of ran into a little situation
I was not thinking rationally
I react
I react badly
I reacted stupidly
I react in the same manner
I would react violently
I just reacted
I reacted wrongfully
It automatically caused a reaction
I was out of touch with reality
I didn't realize I was being abusive
I didn't realize I was being controlling
I didn't realize the impact of what
I said I did it for no reason
There was no reason to it
It happened for no apparent reason
My reason went bye-bye
My ability to reason was swept away
It was a reckless act
I couldn't recognize my bad choices
It wasn't recoverable
I was reflecting past aggression
It's a reflex
It was an abusive relationship
Our relationship was going to end anyway
I am guilty of a bad relationship
I relapsed
I had to let it release a little
I released my anger
I needed to remove myself from the situation
I needed to remove the violence from my system
No repair was possible
I was restraining her
I didn't restrain myself
Things were repetitive and hostile
My resentment had a lot of angry energy
I responded
She needed physical restraint
I was restraining her
I retaliated
I should have got rid of her some other way
Everything rolled into one
It was the end of the rope
I guess I got too rough
My father rubbed off on me
She rubbed me the wrong way
We were in a ruckus
Some things were said
She's fat
I just said something back
The scales tipped to set me off
If I had any sense I wouldn't have battered
I had no common sense
I was out of my senses
She set me up
She set me off
It set me off
I was trying to settle her down
I was settling her down
I shot off at the mouth
A shouting match proceeded
I don't know to shut up
I was sick then
It's a sickness
That's a side of me that doesn't show up that often
I got on her bad side
It was that kind of situation
I couldn't get out of the situation
It was a hit or be hit type of situation
The situation didn't diffuse itself
The situation was destined to get out of control
The situation didn't resolve
She put me to sleep
It was a sleeping disorder
Slip of the tongue
She slipped
I slipped in to threats
It was slipping in
I snapped
It grew like a snowball
Something was coming
I was never violent when I was sober
My relationship went sour
She was from the south
We spark off
Sparked a violent streak
Figure of speech
I spoiled a romantic evening
Things happened spontaneously
Spur of the moment
It was a spur of the moment thing
She started it
This is the state we're in
She stepped between us
The stick hit her
I got the short end of the stick
I went by a bunch of stop signs
The storm had to pass
I didn't straighten up
I had a violent streak
I got it from the streets
I just stung her
I was stupid enough to do it
I did it out of stupidity
Things succeeded from there
I succumbed to the fact
It was a big suggestion
I couldn't take it anymore
I thought I was talking nice
I let my temper out
I have a quick temper
I have a problem with losing my temper when we disagree
I didn't know how far my temper could go
I lost my temper
I have a quick and violent temper
I have a problem with my temper
I have a bad temper
My temper's got a lot to do with it
I'm hot tempered
I have a temper problem
I lost my temper enough
I don't know how to hold my temper
I have a short temper
I was just being tender
Things succeeded from there
I didn't give myself time to think
I didn't think about what I did before I did it
I couldn't think
I didn't think
I don't think before I talk
I didn't think enough to walk off
I wasn't thinking straight
I wasn't thinking right
I wasn't thoughtful
It wasn't a threat, it was a promise
I slipped into threats
She takes threats well
It was part of the tide of violence
I'm a time bomb
As time goes on it gets worse
I do it all the time
It was because
I was so tired
I got caught up in a trap
She triggered my actions
Something triggered it
My work triggered me off
We had that trouble
I didn't try hard enough
It takes two for an argument to happen
It takes two to fight
Things were ugly in the house
I was uncertain about myself
It was unconscious
I was unconsciously thinking
I was leading an uncontrollable life
I was unhealthy
I was unloading
I was up all night
It was ugly in the house
It was my upbringing
I got upset and mean
I just get upset
I'm here for being upset
I get upset and worked up
She was used to it
I vented my anger
We used alot of verbal and it turned into physical
I was a victim of her abuse
I have violence problems
I have domestic violence
I got violent with her after she got violent with me
I'm not a violent person
It was a visitation thing
You can only walk away from so much
I couldn't walk away from it
I did not want to do it
That's just the way I am
It was the only way I knew
It was the hot weather
I went back to those old ways
She weighs a lot
We got into it
The discussion was not going well
Things were kind of wild
I tried to wiggle it out
I woke up that way
We had words
My words came out of my mouth
I didn't leave work at work
It was a work related type of thing
I was too worked up
It came up worse than it should have been
We got worse and worse
We wrestled and I won
We ended up wrestling
I made wrong decisions
It took 10 years
I just zipped

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Labels: abuse, abuser, blame, excuses, projection

shared by Barbara at 12:23 AM 6 comments