Sanctuary for the Abused

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Protective Order Violations

Stalking in Disguise?

From the Newsletter of the Stalking Resource Center, Volume 4, Number 2, Fall 2004

Last winter, police found the bodies of a man and his girlfriend. The man had tracked his girlfriend to her cousin's house, broken down the door, shot her as she called 911, and then turned the gun on himself. Next to the woman's body, the police found a court order directing the murderer to have no contact with the victim. The killer had violated that order four times before murdering his victim.

Domestic violence victims often seek protective orders-court orders that direct individuals to refrain from specified conduct-to avoid future violence. In many cases, the court orders succeed in deterring the offenders. Yet abusers often defy the orders-placing victims at high risk for future violence.

Who Gets Protective Orders
Research suggests that most victims seek orders of protection only after experiencing serious levels of victimization. Most women seeking protective orders have experienced physical assault; threats of harm or death; sexual abuse; threats with a weapon, stalking, and harassment; or assaults on their children.

1 Studies also show that victims usually seek protective orders only after long exposure to abuse.

2 Of the total number of victims of abuse, only a small percentage ever obtain protective orders-16.4 percent of rape victims, 17.1 percent of physical assault victims, and 36.6 percent of stalking victims.

Protective Order Violations
Violations of protective orders are both common and often associated with significant danger to the victim. One two-year follow-up study of batterers found that almost one-half (48.8 percent) re-abused the victims after the issuance of a protective order.4 Stalking victims, in particular, report frequent violations. A 1998 National Institute of Justice study found that of stalking victims who seek protective orders, 69 percent of the women and 81 percent of the men said their stalker violated the order.5 And in approximately 21 percent of cases, violence and stalking escalate after the protective order is issued.6

Multiple Violations as Stalking
"In cases with more than one violation of a protective order," says Sergeant Cari Graves, director of the Colorado Springs Police Department's Domestic Violence Enhanced Response Team (DVERT) program, "two things are evident. There is a clear ‘course of conduct' as defined in many stalking statutes. It also shows that the true intent of the perpetrator is to control and intimidate the victim despite the legal restraint placed on him by a judge." With violations of protective orders, the course of conduct may involve repeatedly following or harassing the victim or sometimes abusing another person-placing the victim in reasonable fear of harm. Repeated violations of protective orders, then, constitute stalking. "And even the first violation of a protective order may in fact be stalking," says Stalking Resource Center director Tracy Bahm, "because the original series of events that caused the victim to seek the court's protection may fit the legal definition of the crime."

Yet the connections between protection order violations and stalking violations-and the resulting danger to victims-are not always evident to law enforcement. One possible reason, as retired Lieutenant Mark Wynn of the Nashville Police Department points out, is that law enforcement officers often view protective orders "as a civil issue; something that is involved in divorce, custody or visitation," rather than a criminal matter. Studies show that even when states have mandatory arrest laws for violations of protective orders, law enforcement officers do not always arrest offenders who commit these violations. One study showed that only 44 percent of protective order violations resulted in arrest and that the likelihood of arrest decreased as the number of prior incidents increased.

Another reason these connections are not always clear is that law enforcement usually investigates one offense at a time and does not always look for a pattern of violations. "Law enforcement officers tend to view calls for service in a ‘snapshot' view," says Sergeant Graves. "A single violation of a protection order may seem to involve only a simple investigation and a possible arrest. But if the officer should dig deeper, continues Graves, "she might find that often the victim will disclose previously reported or unreported violations of the same order." In that context, the "single" violation becomes part of a more serious and threatening picture-stalking.

Overlooking the threat posed by protection order violations is unwise and dangerous, Wynn believes. Violations of civil protective orders are criminal offenses and, he says, often a signal to law enforcement "that something worse is about to happen. When offenders thumb their noses at the court, this is an indicator that you've got high lethality on your hands." For this reason some states, such as Florida, have added a provision to their stalking laws that defines more than one violation of a protective order as felony stalking.8

Implications for Law Enforcement and Prosecutors
Experts agree that law enforcement must take protective order violations seriously. Supervisory Special Agent Eugene Rugala of the Behavioral Analysis Unit at the FBI's National Center for the Analysis of Violent Crime in Quantico, Virginia, says that "investigators should review protection order violations on a case-by-case basis," paying close attention to the context of the violations and the reason that the order was obtained. Rugala stresses that a pattern of violations can alert police about the perpetrator's intent and the threat of serious harm to the victim. And, he adds, "the presence of the order may even escalate the risk to some victims."

Because of the danger to victims, law enforcement should carefully track violations and consistently arrest violators. Departments that adopt these proactive strategies often notice a drop in homicides. In Orlando, Florida, for example, the Investigations Division of the Orange County Sheriff's Department, systematically tracks stalkers and protection order violators. The division "views all cases involving domestic violence and violations of protective orders as stalking and as potential homicides," says Lieutenant Kevin Behan. The department's well-trained, specialized "Stalking Team," equipped with a broad array of high-tech equipment, conducts surveillance and gains intelligence on stalkers (and suspected stalkers) and their activities. This approach has been effective, helping to reduce the overall rate of homicides related to domestic violence from 34 percent in 1998 to 21 percent in 2003.

Prosecutors who handle these cases should appreciate the dangers involved and take the appropriate precautions. They should obtain full criminal histories of offenders and examine the petitions for protective orders filed by victims, which often include vital details that investigations sometimes miss. Prosecutors should review all other reports of violations of the order as well as the underlying reports for domestic violence. Because protection order violators defy court orders, prosecutors also should seek high bail, or no bail, in these cases. They should charge stalking when possible and use the stalking laws to show judges and juries the entire context (i.e., stalker's previous pattern of conduct) for each violation. Prosecutors should also seek jail time to contain offenders and to deter future violations when possible.

Conclusion
Multiple violations of protective orders are stalking. Law enforcement and prosecutors who understand this connection are better equipped to investigate the context of violations, assess the danger, and prevent serious harm to stalking victims who have sought protective orders.

If you have further insights on the relationship between stalking and protection order violations, the Stalking Resource Center would like to hear from you. Please contact us at src@ncvc.org.

Endnotes

1 Carol Jordon, "Intimate Partner Violence and the Justice System: An Examination of the Interface," Journal of Interpersonal Violence Vol. 19, No.12 (December 2004): 1423.

2 Ibid., 1424.

3 Patricia Tjaden and Nancy Thoennes, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence , (Washington, DC: National Institute of Justice, 2000), NCJ 181867.

4 A.R. Klein, "Re-abuse in a Population of Court-restrained Male Batterers: Why Restraining Orders Don't Work," in E. Buzawa and C. Buzawa, eds., Do Arrests and Restraining Orders Work?, (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage, 1996), 192-213.

5 Patricia Tjaden and Nancy Thoennes, Stalking in America: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey , (Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Justice, National Institute of Justice, Washington, DC, 1998).

6 B. Spitzberg, "The Tactical Topography of Stalking Victimization and Management," Trauma, Violence, and Abuse Vol. 3, No. 4, (2002): 261-288. Of 32 studies in this meta-analysis of stalking studies, 9 reported that incidents of violence or stalking followed the issuance of a protective order 21 percent of the time.

7 R. J. Kane, "Police Responses to Restraining Orders in Domestic Violence Incidents: Identifying the Custody-Threshold Thesis," Criminal Justice and Behavior Vol. 27, No. 2 (2000): 561.

8 Fla. Stat § 784.048, (4). Stalking; definitions; penalties . Amended 2004.

BOTH MEN AND WOMEN CAN BE ABUSERS.

Labels: incident, narcisissts, protective order, psychopaths, restraining order, sociopaths, stalkers, stalking, tro, violation

shared by Barbara at 12:08 AM 0 comments

Few Religious Leaders (or Religious-Based Therapists) are Trained to Deal with Abuse

Silenced by shame; Fixing broken lives can be frightening, arduous
BY: Linda Espenshade

Religious leaders who believe it's their job to save an abusive marriage are taking on a job that gives even professional marriage counselors a headache.

"It's awfully hard to unscramble an egg," said a Mennonite minister simply. Yet that's precisely what a couple asks for when they bring their beaten marriage to their leaders.

"I don't think these ministers want these problems to be there, but because they don't know how to work with it is why it goes on," said Paul, a conservative Mennonite pastor who counsels abuse victims from all over the East Coast.

In many conservative churches, the leaders have no training in theology, family dynamics, abuse, psychology, conflict management or leadership principles, nor do many want to know more than what they read in the Bible.

Many are selected for church leadership through the lot, a kind of God-ordained lottery. The church chooses several men they believe are godly. After prayer, each man selects a book, one of which holds a special paper. The man who selects the book with the paper in it is the new leader.

Now, this man, in addition to working full time, must lead a church, preach, counsel people, go to meetings and nurture his own family in his spare time. Chances are he doesn't have time to deal with an abuse situation.

"Well, if you start getting involved in someone's life where there are marriage difficulties, it's going to take tremendous amounts of time," said Mary Boll, a Lancaster Conference woman who is a consultant for Mennonite ministers dealing with abuse.

"This isn't a quick thing. It's not one or two sessions and then it's done. This can be several years of involvement. I know many who have been involved for long periods of time."

In addition to the time commitment, dealing with abuse can be frightening for a minister, said Boll.

"If this guy is really doing what she says she's doing, is he dangerous? If I interfere, is he going to come after me?" a minister may ask himself, Boll said.

"The other fear that I think comes in there is, what if she wants to leave him? Heaven help us if we break up a marriage. And I don't say that lightly because I believe in marriage," said Boll, who's been married for 36 years.

Paul said some leaders are so concerned about keeping the church pure, they miss the needs of the person.

"If they are a bishop, they feel like their job is to administrate and take care of ordinances...and make sure everything is straight, that everybody's following the rules...rather than to sit down and listen to somebody."

Some leaders may be afraid to listen and acknowledge the abuse because then they would have to admit that they don't know how to deal with it. Then they feel powerless and impotent, said Mary Steffy, executive director of the Mental Health Association.

Even those who do know how to deal with abuse can end up feeling used and powerless when they get involved, said Boll. For example, if a minister tries to hold an offender accountable, the man can go to another church or denomination where the minister has no influence.

Or a minister may get involved in helping a woman get out of an abusive situation, only to have the victim change her mind at the last minute.

Paul said he is dealing with an abusive marital situation at his church now that won't resolve. "I've done everything books and literature say to do, but unless a person wants to fix the problem," it won't happen, he said.

Lancaster Newspapers, Inc./ INTELLIGENCER JOURNAL (LANCASTER, PA.)

Labels: abuse, christians, churches, divorce, inadequate, jewish, marriage counseling, ministers, narcisissts, psychopaths, rabbis, sociopaths, temple

shared by Barbara at 12:02 AM 0 comments

Recovering from Abuse

"Abused women aren’t “codependent.” It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships."
Excerpt: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft

Rollercoaster Thinking: Our abuser is sweet one minute and raging out of control with bizarre behaviour the next. If ever there was a situation where we can't see the forest for the trees, this is it. Professional therapy from someone specialized in this field is a good idea.

Stop trying to 'fix' them. They have a problem we can't fix. Only professionals can help them. The prognosis is poor. Working on ourselves is the best fix of all. Let your abuser dial the phone to get help. Reality is knowing this hook to our compassionate nature.

Stop hoping he will return to the "way he was.' This "magical" thinking is normal for us. Abuse gets worse, not better. Take off the rose-coloured glasses.

Physical Exhaustion: Living with an abuser is physically and emotionally draining to the point we may not want to do anything. Get rest. Detach psychologically and physically from the abuser. If we're unable to emotionally detach, react angrily or our tactics aren't working, we may not have had the opportunity to learn the management skills we need to deal with and avoid manipulative abusers.

Substance Abuse: We need to be clear headed. Slow down and stop any use of alcohol/drugs we may be taking to help cope.

Plan in advance to protect your financial base and obtain emotional support. Never stay where there is potential for physical violence -- get out fast. Documentation, proof of abuse are essential. Leaving is a dangerous time. Learn the best ways to leave. Divorcing an abuser can be hell unleashed, your preparation will be critical. Learn to work with the lawyers, and child therapists/evaluators who will be helping you. A calm demeanour, proof and documentation are crucial to success. Having that documentation to refer to keeps us refocused on our decision.

Make a list of what nastiness you have had to endure. Refer to it for reinforcement. Inform other people you know will support you. Avoid those who will not. Expect a smear-campaign from your abuser. Work with the police and your lawyer. We conduct ourseves with Dignity, Integrity and Grace calm, factual, and in control.

Our involvement with them causes a temporary suspension of our otherwise good jugement. We need this time to learn, gain perspective, and heal ourselves. This is our best opportunity to learn why we may have allowed ourselves to remain in abusive situations. We all need to accept ownership of the mistakes we may have made along the way. If we must make contact because of legal/custody arrangements, discuss absolutely nothing else. Don't allow an abuser to bait you.

Therapy: Perhaps we're attracted to the wrong types, or our urge to help or fix them is strong. If we create 'excuses' to avoid leaving, are terrified of loneliness, have abandonment fears or if we think our abuser is all we have, we need therapy. If we're stuck or unable to progress through the stages of recovery, we need therapy also. Many people face these problems. You are not alone and you are not weak.

If you are in joint therapy, tell the therapist your intention to leave. The therapist should be able to work with your abuser to prepare them. Ethical therapists will not disclose your intentions. A good therapist can help prepare your abuser for the separation.

Don't sweat the wedding vows...As Dr. Phil reminds us "You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception, lies, infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors. This is deal-breaking behavior." When our marriage has turned into lies, treachery, betrayal and abuse that person has destroyed every interpretation of any marriage vows.

How long does recovery take? There's no calculation formula. We all heal at our own pace. You will progress through stages of recovery and grief. Recovery means being aware of how we are changed forever by this experience. We can speed up the process by focusing on 'one step at a time', and all-out ˜self care". It takes time to rediscover the person we were before and shape ourselves into the one we want to be. Grieve your lost relationship. Allow yourself plenty of time to wind down from the stress and abuse, and begin the process of rebuilding your new life. Be good to yourself first and foremost! Expect doubts, second-guessing yourself, nightmares, loneliness, post traumatic stress disorder, exhaustion. Journal and/or participate on a discussion site with others facing the same situation. Brace yourself and be prepared to deal with their emotional sniper's drive-by verbal assault.
*******************

We deal with the sadness and regret of our own hurtful words and actions. The nostalgic rememberance of shared intimacies, places, laughs and jokes and the emptiness left by the other person's absence, the lack of any closure in a normal relationship, and the smear campaign hurled at us not only by the abusers but those fools they deceive. We may face betrayal from our own families and friends because of the deception of these abusers. Coping with the end of our hopes and dreams of the relationships continuing, the loss of an anticipated future.

The reality of their lack of conscience is incomprehensible as we grapple with the realization that someone we loved is incapable of loving us in return. The relationships was only a myth. The shock of this new knowledge and reality that we're in love with someone with a mental disorder who can instantly and completely delete us from their memory and attach to a new 'supply source' and appear happier without us is very emotionally painful.

We are shocked, hurt and angry on discovering Jekyll/Hyde. Expect obsessive thinking and fantasies of revenge and justice. As if that horror isn't enough, we become aware of their sadism and misogyny. Expect them to try and draw you back into the relationship. Prepare yourself to deal with this emotionally as we prepare to stop their attempts.

Our "how could I have been so stupid"? feeling, and unwarranted embarrassment and shame as it hits us that everything was a set up in their agenda. The shock that we were targeted and our awareness of our naivete. The discovery of serious mental disorders as we learn the false mask of sanity hides their real nature. Learning the incomprehensible lack of empathy in them. Discovering the deception and lies, our exhaustion, and impaired health. Be aware that we may temporarily seem to be developing the very characteristics of the abuser in ourselves.

Realizing our feelings of protectiveness and pity for them were tools they used to target us. Our awareness of our susceptibility in having our nurturing characteristics turned against us by this disordered person, our hate/hope cycles and the realization that we were quite possibly raised in families which set us up to head in the path towards these types of abusers.

We face not being believed by anyone about what was done, being isolated, cut off from our support networks. The inability to warn or even get others to understand. As we learn about abusers, we feel they are lurking behind every bush.

The residue will be an inability to trust again with the innocence we once had. Our gain - the wonderful discovery of our self reliance and an ability to cope with any abuser who may cross our path and finding grace, dignity and maturity in our self discipline, will power and integrity.

Remember, your abuser has a mental disorder. He is what he is. Our recovery must include compassion, understanding, and our refusal to be an enabler or target any more.

(while this post was written in the male, remember - your abuser could be female! Women abuse too!)

Labels: abuse, abusers, c-ptsd, mental disorder, narcissism, psychopaths, ptsd, reality, recovering, sociopathy, trauma counseling

shared by Barbara at 12:02 AM 4 comments

What is Projection, Exactly?

Written by Kathi Stringer
Projection is to blame another person for one’s own actions.
Primitive and Infantile Defense

Projection – Action
You made me do it! Ever hear those words from an angry and frustrated child? In essence, the child is projecting the responsibility of his/her actions onto someone else. This child is anxious to rid themselves of the garbage. Projection is to ‘blame’ another. And, the words, ‘you made me do it,’ slip out ever so easily.

My little 5-year-old girl was listening to her grandparents in a tiff. Grandma said, “You made me [do this]!” Grandpa said, “No, you made me [make you do this]!” Finally, K, an intuitive child, shouted in response, “Stop projecting!” She caught them both by surprise. A small child had recognized projection in action.

Example #1: (Action)
Jim is holding an expensive camera. Jane is fumbling with the keys to the door. In the meantime, Jim drops and breaks the camera. Jim screams at Jane, “See what you made me do! I broke it because you didn’t open the door!” Jim blamed Jane for dropping the camera. Jim could have prevented the camera from dropping if he had employed foresight and safety measures..i.e putting the camera band around his neck.

Projection – Emotional
You make me [feel] so mad! This is a bit more complicated because a degree of transference is involved. Easy speak – Transference = transferring memories from the past, placed onto a different person.

The derivatives of transference in this case transmutes into projection. Meaning, if an individual gets angry beyond the objective meaning of the statement, (reads more into it than intended) then a level of projection is at work. In other words, a person that reminds another individual of their hated father (transference at work – transference is ALWAYS a distortion), and OVERREACTS to a statement from that person based on that memory (triggered), then, that excessive anger would be projection.

Example #2: (Emotion)
Jane said, “Jim, just make a choice. We don’t have all day.” Jim screams back, “Why don’t you just shut your big mouth?” and stormed off. On examination, Jim grew up with an over critical, and impatient mother. When Jane made her remark, Jim regressed into the child that hated his mother. Jim did not see Jane standing there at the moment. He saw his hated mother, in the transference. Now that Jim has a bigger body and is more confident to protect himself, he reacted in defense of the critical mother. It happened in a snap of the fingers. In this case, Jim was projecting out of his transference. Jim had distorted Jane into his hated mother. Remember, transference is always a distortion.

Caution:
While pointing out that action projection can be funny at times, (Remark: You made me drop the hula-hoop when you spoke! – Response: ha ha projection!), it is dangerous to point out the err of a person’s behavior during an emotional projection, UNLESS YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL. Since the person is caught up in the transference, empowered by the transference, and enraged by the transference, it would be wise to let the transference diminish before discussing the event. To address the distortion in the heat of the moment, can be perceived as minimizing the original trauma. This will lead to an unconscious perception of the invalidated child/victim (How dare you!? It did happen!). Wait until the person cools down and gets a grip back on reality and the transference is held in abeyance.

For Professionals:
The superlative therapeutic window to target projection, from the transference, would be in the height of the moment. However, a strong therapeutic alliance and rapport MUST BE established first. Trust is paramount. At this time, the client’s internal closed core objects are ‘hot’ and can be redefined through a new experience. See more on ‘projective identification.’

Projection Keyword Alerts

· ACTION – You made me do it!

· EMOTIONAL – You make me feel this way!

Question:
Is transference and projection the same?

Answer:
No. Some claim they are the same because psych can become convoluted (duh) to the point meanings are no longer clear to the novice. However, on exact examination, projection is ‘caused’ by the transference. Transference is ‘activated in the person, and projection is the release of that transference out of the person. One treater said, “I hope you know, all this anger you are projecting on to me is not my anger, it is YOUR anger.” The client coolly said, “Can you think of anything better to do with it? (Gabbard)

Homework
Observe the number of times you can spot projection. Then, in cases of emotional projection, try to objectively determine the extent of the justified response vs. the transference reaction. Is if off just a little? Is it half-and-half? Is it way out there? This exercise can be a powerful indicator for self-awareness, an indicator to seek treatment for self or other.

References:
Psych 101, Unlocking the Secret of Terms – K. Stringer

An Object Relations Approach to Projective Identification and the Borderline – K. Stringer

Star Trek and Projective Identification – K. Stringer

Effective Inpatient Treatment And the Amelioration of the Therapeutic Alliance For Resistive Individuals with BPD – K. Stringer

Transference – K. Stringer

Defense Mechanisms – K. Stringer

Labels: blame, chronic, denial, infantile, made me do it, narcissists, primitive, projection, psychopaths, sociopaths

shared by Barbara at 12:15 AM 3 comments

Unresolved Trauma = Attracts Dating Predators

Address old wounds before jumping into the dating pool

by Dr. Shauna H. Springer

Imagine that your car breaks down in a remote spot known to be close to a Federal prison. Your cell phone isn't picking up a signal, so you are thrust on the mercy of a passing driver. In this scenario, would it be wiser to solicit help from another driver yourself or to sit in the car and wait for someone to notice your state of need and offer to help?

It would generally be wiser to take an active role in picking the target of your request for help. If you decide to actively request help, you could try to screen for certain factors that might indicate that a particular person would be relatively safe to hail—for example, a man or woman who appears to be riding with his or her young children.

Even if you picked at random, without looking for indicators of potentially safe helpers, you would be statistically less likely to pick a sociopath relative to the likelihood that a sociopath might pick you when he or she witnesses your obvious state of vulnerability.

As threat expert Gavin De Becker explains, “the possibility that you'll inadvertently select a predatory criminal for whom you are the right victim type is very remote."* In other words, if you were to wait passively in your car for someone to help you, you would most likely attract one of two types of people—either good Samaritans or opportunistic sociopaths drawn to your state of need.

For individuals with unresolved traumas, the mate-selection process often carries a double risk. That is, unhealed wounds of past trauma in your life lead to a higher likelihood that unsafe people will pick you, and if you actively pick a partner, it is much more likely that you will end up with an unsafe person.

In other words, if you have experienced a trauma, it is often true that you will unintentionally emit certain signals and behaviors that chum the water for the psychopathic sharks in the dating pool. Part of the “chum” in this analogy would be body language.

Research shows that there are differences in the body language of those identified by anti-social prisoners to be target victims and those who are not judged to be easy prey.** Anti-social, dominating, power-abusing individuals have a strong radar for those who are impulsive, those who do not respect themselves, those who are desperate to find love at any cost – basically anyone who will play opposite them in a submissive role for any number of reasons.

I’ve intentionally selected sharks for my analogy here because the behavioral patterns of sharks can show up in interactions between those in the dating pool. That is, before a shark attacks, it first circles and then bumps into its potential prey, feeling out its possible victim before going in for the kill.

In the same way, sharks in the dating pool will bump up against those they are getting to know, putting out feelers in the form of little tests to gauge the potential for dominating someone. There are many, many forms that these tests can take. Here are three examples…

A person who shows blatant disrespect by flaking out on plans at the last minute with no reasonable explanation… (testing whether the other person will allow him or herself to be treated disrespectfully)
A person who asks someone he or she has just met on the internet to “come visit for a weekend” (testing things like impulsiveness and how much the other person is willing to invest in a relationship that has barely begun, which may be a indicator of desperation or low self-esteem)…
A person who pressures someone into physical intimacy early in a relationship, before trust or safety has been well-established over a lengthy period of time…(testing level of self-respect, impulsivity, desperation, etc.)

A shark gains information about the potential to take advantage of someone by observing how that person responds to these kinds of tests. So, if you’ve ever met a captivating person who suddenly dropped out of your life with no explanation, one possibility is that a shark in the dating pool may have taken a pass because you did not show yourself to be easy prey.

Even if your goal is to have a healthy love relationship, if you have experienced certain types of past traumas, you may have a difficult time recognizing sharks when they present themselves as suitors because somehow they "feel like home." If we are sometimes drawn like moths to a flame to potentially abusive partners, could there be any logical reason for this pattern?

Some have argued that we select certain partners in order to re-stage trauma scenarios that mirror what we have experienced in the past, presumably with the hope of getting a different outcome. For example, the son of a verbally abusive mother will often end up with a verbally abusive wife. So, maybe this is an attempt to re-pave over an old trauma in order to emotionally correct a deep psychic wound? Whether or not this is the underlying psychological drive, the end result of picking someone you hope to change almost never leads to greater wholeness and emotional well-being.

Ultimately, in relationships, as in politics, if you ignore your history, you will tend to repeat it, so if you have not addressed and achieved healing from your trauma experience(s), doing so in a safe relationship with a treating professional is recommended as a first priority.

*De Becker, G. (1997). The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect us from Violence. New York, NY: Dell Publishing (a division of Random House, Inc.), p. 65.

**Grayson, B. and Stein, M.I. (1981) Attracting Assault: Victims' Nonverbal Cues. Journal of Communication 31 (1): 68-75.

SOURCE

Labels: abuse, c-ptsd, disrespect, emotional rape, fear, narcissists, predators, psychopaths, ptsd, sociopaths, targets, trauma, unresolved