Sanctuary for the Abused

Thursday, August 20, 2020

The Most Dangerous Emotion After a Break-Up

by Marcy Miller

Hope is a four letter word. It is the enemy of the newly broken-hearted.

I had two failed marriages and two broken engagements under my belt, but I was fortunate to sit next to the man of my dreams on a flight to the west coast. After bi-coastal dating and then living with him for a year, we married and I practiced law while he was establishing himself in the investment world. After four years, I was stricken with breast cancer. It was a tough year of treatment, but he was there for me throughout my successful battle. His love and support were heroic. Finally, I had found my soulmate.

Or so I thought.

We moved to LA at the end of my treatment and started a new life together. I caught him cheating five years later. I confronted him, hoping that that the prospect of losing me and his comfortable life would jolt him out of his mid-life madness and return him to my arms, wiser and more loving than ever. But there is that pesky word, "hope," rearing its ugly head. As I hung on to the false hope of reconciliation and love evermore, he was playing contrite husband with me and banging her at the Four Seasons Hotel.

Several weeks later, he suggested that we take one last trip to New York to try to mend our relationship and move forward. I hoped (again) that he was sincere and that our ten years together could outweigh this month of deceit. New York held many wonderful memories for us, and I was looking forward to the opportunity to have him to myself in a romantic environment.

He had arrived a few days earlier and checked into the Peninsula Hotel. I was to meet him the evening that I arrived for dinner at Nobu. I breezed into the bar at the appointed hour, dressed for seduction, and proceeded to wait for an hour and a half. There were no calls or texts and he was unreachable. I hoped (again) that he was delayed by important work-related meetings.

Just as I was about to return to the hotel, he burst into the restaurant, breathless and full of excuses. Even though this was an ominous beginning to our reunion, I hoped (!) that he was telling the truth.

The next morning, he left at the crack of dawn, long before we could have breakfast in bed. As I began to dress for my day of shopping and a Broadway matinee, I noticed a scrap of paper on the desk. While the message was illegible, the bottom of the note contained the St. Regis Hotel monogram.

On a hunch, I called the St. Regis and asked for the room of his mistress. She answered the phone. I hung up, promptly threw up in the trash can, packed my bags and flew home.

So why do I dislike hope so much?

1. It leads to devastating decisions. I knew that the marriage was over, and I still agreed to go to New York. It resulted in one of the most emotionally painful moments of my life, and while I do not blame myself for his abhorrent behavior, I would never have put myself in that position had I not had hope.

2. It halts the healing process. I could have started mourning the loss of my marriage, rather than dreaming of a reconciliation that was never in the picture.

3. It stalls the formulation of exit strategies, such as leasing a post office box, opening a new bank account, locating and preserving records and retaining a divorce lawyer -- engaging in the next steps instead of being mired in a dead relationship.

4. It shuts out important messages from the universe. I knew in my gut that the marriage was over, but I allowed hope to drown out all of the messages that I was receiving to move on.

SOURCE

Labels: broken, cheating, divorce, emotional healing, enemy, exit strategy, hopeless, narcissist, psychopath, reconciliation, sociopath, toxic hope

shared by Barbara at 8:20 PM 5 comments

When the Body Says NO

WHEN THE BODY SAYS NO - Gabor Mate, M.D.

"Once thought to be in the domain of genes, our health and behavior have recently been revealed to be controlled by our perception of the environment and our beliefs. Gabor Maté, M.D., skillfully blends recent advances in biomedicine with the personal insights of his patients to provide empowering insight into how deeply developmental experiences shape our health, behavior, attitudes, and relationships. A must-read for health professionals and lay readers seeking awareness of how the mind controls health."

–– Bruce Lipton, Ph.D., cellular biologist

"The interviewees’ stories are often touching and haunting. . . . Maté carefully explains the biological mechanisms that are activated when stress and trauma exert a powerful influence on the body, and he backs up his claims with compelling evidence from the field. . . . Both the lay and specialist reader will be grateful for the final chapter, ‘The Seven A’s of Healing,’ in which Maté presents an open formula for healing and the prevention of illness from hidden stress."–– Quill & Quire

CLICK ON PICTURE OF BOOK ABOVE TO PURCHASE

Labels: abuse, autoimmune, breakdown, emotional healing, illness, pathological, relationships, stress

shared by Barbara at 12:14 AM 0 comments

Beware Disordered Therapists, Gurus and Spiritual 'Teachers'

THERAPY AND COUNSELING CAN BE A VITAL TOOL FOR HEALING IN THE HANDS OF THE RIGHT PERSON. BUT THERE ARE MANY DISORDERED PERSONS OUT THERE WILLING TO SUCK MONEY AND TRUST FROM THE VULNERABLE & DESPERATE. ALWAYS CHECK LICENSES AND CREDENTIALS OUT WITH YOUR STATE.

by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD

There are a growing number of "spiritual teachers" who are narcissists. They are among the most magnetic and charismatic of individuals. We have a lot of desperate people today with the economic downturn roller coaster ride, the increasing numbers of narcissists in the society who are making life very difficult for everyone else and the persistence of chronic psychological problems.

Coming to the rescue are "narcissistic gurus" who have all the answers. Charismatic, charming, excellent communicators and story tellers, these individuals are offering courses that promise to reshape your life, to calm you down, even to make you rich. Many of them are covert narcissists who convincing pretend to be humble and unmaterialistic. Your state of mind and soul is their first priority---That's what they say.

Narcissistic gurus often come with fine academic credentials. Some are medical doctors or Ph.D.'s. Others call themselves holistic healers, medical intuitives. Their presentations are so smooth that most people are mesmerized by them. Often attractive physically with excellent communications skills, they can captivate any audience within a short period of time. I know of spiritual gurus who travel the world, peddling their packages or retreats which cost $1000 to $3000 for less than a week. The goal is enlightenment----the expensive way. What happens if you don't have any money--That's too bad -- you are out of the spiritual loop. Where do true spirituality and spending a lot of money and attending a five day seminar meet-----NOWHERE! (By the way learning how to meditate and reach levels of calmness and deeper consciousness doesn't cost money. It requires your time and dedication).

I have watched some of these narcissists for years (Some of them are sociopaths with no conscience whatsoever) When you talk to them at close range, they are cold and dismissive if you are not "yes-ing" them with reverence or breaking a sweat to sign up for their next consciousness raising seminar in some exotic part of the world. Some vulnerable people become addicted to these new age phonies who take your money, speak new age drivel and eclipse your life.

Humble, living simply, empathic---absolutely not! I have seen their self entitled over the top lifestyles, born out of the money that they extract from psychologically vulnerable people. Then you have the spiritual groupies that have to take the latest pseudo spiritual trip to Bhutan or some other corner of the world so that they can brag to all of their friends.

Narcissistic spiritual gurus must be exposed. They are confidence men and women. They don't give a damn about your psychological or spiritual welfare. They live only for themselves, their godlike image and the fruits of their labors---becoming more wealthy and controlling the minds, emotions and psyches of others.

To protect yourself from these pseudo spiritual vipers, study the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth.

SOURCE

Labels: con artist, emotional healing, fake, fraud, liars, narcissism, narcissist, psychologist, psychopath, sociopath, spirituality, therapy

shared by Barbara at 12:07 AM 9 comments

Working Towards Emotional Healing: Dealing with Shame

As You Work Toward Emotional Healing
Survivors of abuse often have to deal with feelings of shame. There is an important difference between shame and guilt, and that is the key to dealing with shame effectively.

Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary defines shame as "the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another." And yes, it is a painful feeling, and is VERY common among survivors of abuse.

For our discussion, we'll make some simplifications. Guilt is an emotion and a legal concept that belongs to the perpetrator, the initiator of an act of abuse.

Shame is an emotion that afflicts the victim, the recipient of an act of abuse. Obviously, the perp should feel shame as well as guilt, but often feels neither, so we'll leave that out of this discussion. We'll talk about how victims can deal with shame.

Even if you have worked hard to deal with guilt, and have assigned guilt to the person who abused you, and resolved the fact that no guilt belongs to you, shame may still be making you miserable. Shame rises out of a sense of powerlessness and frustration, as well as the continual feeling of shock that something this horrible has happened to you. Both men and women deal with shame, but experts believe that in general, among abuse survivors, women tend to feel more guilt, and men tend to feel more shame. But generalizations can be dangerous, and let's just agree that both shame and guilt can make people miserable.

Emotional Wound
First, it helps to realize that the actual physical act of abuse is not as important as you think. The physical act, whatever it may have been, was done by the perp to give himself a feeling of power, and to give you a feeling of powerlessness. The act was carefully chosen by the perp, thinking like a torturer, to give you the most emotional pain. So when dealing with shame, don't think in terms of healing your physical wounds. You must think of it in emotional terms, and analyze what your emotional wounds are.

For your physical wounds, you went to a doctor or an emergency room. For your emotional wounds, you have to see a therapist. Many people resist this step, but it is no stranger than seeing a doctor for your bruises or cuts, and is every bit as important.

An aside: I've had physical wounds. A few hours after a major surgery, I was taken to get a CAT Scan. I had a large, freshly sutured incision on my stomach. The iodine solution I had to drink for the CAT Scan made me vomit, and it felt like it was ripping my incision open, and ripping my entire body apart. What's my point? I've had physical pain. Emotional pain hurts more. That's my point.

Powerlessness
The powerlessness, the fear, the shock of the abuse is behind your feeling of shame. Even if you know the perp is guilty, that doesn't necessarily affect your feelings of shame. You need to realize that the perpetrator worked very hard to ensure that he had all of the power, and you had none. Abusers will use the element of surprise. Abusers will use an age difference, especially when adults abuse children, but also when adults abuse the elderly. Abusers will use weapons. Abusers will use threats and coercion -- "unless you have sex with me, I'll assault your younger sister"; some are much more subtle. Abusers will use economic issues, like threatening to evict the victim unless they comply.

Batterers are especially fond of economic power, and will make sure that if their battered wife leaves them, she will have no options for taking care of herself or the children. Abusers will use gender issues to cultivate fear, wherein the man is comfortable with violence and the woman is not, even though there may not be a large difference in their physical sizes.The thing to remember is that no matter what the specifics are, the perpetrator has taken enormous pains to make sure that this is not a fair fight; that all of the advantages are his, and you have none at all. It is not fair for you to feel that you "should" have been able to do something to stop it. The perpetrator made sure you couldn't. In those circumstances, almost nobody could have. The abuse happened because the perpetrator planned it carefully, and was never, never fair.

It's not because you were weak, or cowardly, or gullible, or stupid.

Let's use a poker-playing analogy. You didn't lose because you were a lousy poker player. You lost because the perp was using a marked deck that he had prepared himself. He made sure he dealt himself four aces, and he made sure he dealt you nothing of value. He cheated, from beginning to end. That card game had nothing to do with your skill at playing cards.

Some people are helped by making a two-column chart, where they write down the things that describe the perpetrator in one column, and the things that described themselves at the time in the other column. It ends up looking something like this:

AGE: Perp was in his thirties. I was six years old.
STRENGTH: Perp was an adult. I was a little boy.
STRATEGY: Perp planned a surprise attack. I was innocent and unsuspecting.
PREPARATION: Perp was a predator. Nobody had even mentioned this subject to me before in my life.

As you proceed with this chart, it will become more and more clear how unfair and lopsided the contest was. It will help you understand and feel why shame is not a fair emotion for you to have.

The Perp Was Lying
Remember, too, that the shame has been carefully implanted in you by the perpetrator.

There are two reasons for this: first, that is how he got his pleasure; by making you feel ashamed. Second, that is how he hoped to keep you from reporting the act to someone who had power over him.

No matter what the perp said to you, it was wrong. Nothing he said was true; everything he said was a lie to serve himself. It made him feel good and it made him feel safe. As long as the shame persists, it is giving him power. If you reject the shame, you are taking a major step in fighting back. If you reject the shame, you will make him feel bad, and you will make him feel unsafe. If you reject the shame, you will be taking power away from him, and empowering yourself.

Talking about abuse is never easy. But if you talk to an expert, the expert will know that there is no guilt on your head, and no shame either. The expert will know how deeply you have been wounded, and will know how completely unfair the situation was to you. The expert will admire you for having survived, and for having the courage to step forward and talk about it.

The expert will also know how you can heal from your emotional wounds, and will be happy to share that information with you.

If the abuse is ongoing, or if it happened thirty years ago, the emotional wounds are still very real. It is never too late to start working on emotional healing. Call your local women's crisis center or child abuse prevention center and ask for help. To find the center nearest you, call your county social services office for the name and phone number of the crisis centers. Or find a qualified therapist to work on these issues.

The other thing to do is to start seeing a therapist to help heal your emotional wounds. If you are hesitant about that, check out this article I wrote about what therapy can do for you.

The experts at the women's crisis center or child abuse prevention center can help you find a good therapist who specializes in helping people just like you. Right now, you are all alone with this problem. It is time to get some friends and allies on your side, to take power away from the perp and keep it for yourself, to regain a sense of strength and confidence, to eliminate the emotional pain that is grinding you down, to mobilize the power structure of your county against the criminal who abused you.

If you recognize the difference between guilt and shame, and then isolate each of them, you can work with a therapist to kill them off, one by one. If you have been abused, 100% of the guilt is on the perpetrator, and none is on you. Zero. Zip. Nada. And if you have been abused, 100% of the shame belongs on the perpetrator too. And none belongs on you.

Zero. Zip. Nada.

Not even a smidgen.

Labels: abuse, control, emotional healing, emotional rape, guilt, power, shame, toxic guilt