Sanctuary for the Abused
Saturday, June 16, 2018
One Group Has a Higher Domestic Violence Rate Than Everyone Else
There's one group we're overlooking: The people we trust to keep us safe.
In families of police officers, domestic violence is two-to-four times more likely than in the general population — from stalking and harassment to sexual assault and even homicide. As the National Center for Women and Policing notes, two studies have found that at least 40% of police officer families experience domestic violence, in contrast to 10% of families in the general population.
America's police domestic abuse problem was on full display in the horrific murder of Valerie Morrow, who police say was shot to death by her ex-boyfriend, Stephen Rozniakowski, a Philadelphia-area police officer. Morrow, 40, had just been granted a protection from abuse order against Rozniakowski, who had been charged with 75 counts of stalking.
After Rozniakowski reportedly resigned from his job Monday, police say he kicked open the door to Morrow's home, shot her to death and wounded her teenage daughter before being apprehended at the scene.
There is an epidemic of domestic violence by police officers: Recently, a Cleveland police officer was arrested for stalking and domestic violence, and officers in New Jersey and New York were charged in domestic violence cases.
A 2013 Bowling Green State University study, through news searches, tallied 324 cases of reported officer domestic violence. It is likely that this number is a gross underestimate, because as the National Center for Women and Policing has detailed, officers frequently cover for each other.
"A big part of police culture is the code of silence," Diane Wetendorf, author of Police Domestic Violence: Handbook for Victims, told the San Francisco Chronicle. "The prosecutors depend on police for their cases, the police depend on each other — it's a very insulated system,"
Why aren't we talking about this more? A September analysis on officer domestic violence by the Atlantic explains how cases come to be underreported. It's not just that women are more intimidated to report domestic violence because their attackers are officers and worry that nobody will believe them; it's that officers adjudicate the entire process on an informal level.
"Cops 'typically handle cases of police family violence informally, often without an official report, investigation, or even check of the victim's safety,'" the Atlantic's Conor Friedersdorf writes, quoting a study from the National Center for Women and Policing. "'Even officers who are found guilty of domestic violence are unlikely to be fired, arrested or referred for prosecution.'"
From underreporting by victims and colleagues to informal investigations, this means that available statistics only hint at the pervasive violence perpetrated by the people who are paid to protect and serve us. If evidence from a 2007 change in reporting arrests of Florida officers is any indication, reported cases of officer domestic violence would double.
Unfortunately there is no solution to this solution in sight, because this epidemic is systemic. Underreporting is a symptom of the fact that officers are rarely criminalized or even fired from their jobs even though, like Rozniakowski, their criminal history is well-documented.
In fact, as the Atlantic and and other sources observe, not only are these officers not fired, many of them receive promotions. This evidence suggests that not only is domestic violence by police officers ignored by the criminal justice system, it is condoned and, at times, even rewarded.
But available statistics prove one thing: The criminal justice system needs to readjust its focus. Instead of policing the general public, it needs to turn inward to police itself first, before it can claim to "protect and serve" in the truest sense of justice.
SOURCE
MORE INFORMATION ON POLICE OFFICE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ISSUES click here
Labels: abuse, abuse of power, blue wall of silence, cop, domestic violence, harassment, justice, police, protect and serve, violence
Friday, January 19, 2018
Abuser Tactics with Children
Tactics During the Relationship
Battering/abusing her in front of the children
Threatening to hurt or kill her in front of the children
Telling the children that the victim is to blame for the violence/abuse
Justifying the violence/abuse to the children
Telling the children that the victim is a bad parent
Using other relatives to speak badly about the victim to the children
Yelling at the victim when the children "misbehave"
Getting the children to take the batterer’s side
Telling them that the victim is crazy, stupid, and incompetent
Abusing or killing the family pets
Using children as confidants (see: covert incest)
Threatening to commit suicide
Withholding money for children’s needs
Physically abusing the children
Threatening to take children if she leaves
Driving recklessly with the children and/or the victim in the car
Abusing drugs/ alcohol in front of the children
Watching pornography in front of the children
Coming home intoxicated
---------------------
Tactics After Separation
Asking children what she is doing
Asking who she is seeing
Blaming her for the separation
Blaming the victim for the relationship ending
Telling the children that they cannot be a family because of the victim
Talking about what she did "wrong"
Calling constantly to talk to the children
Showing up unexpectedly to see the children
Criticizing her new partner
Assaulting her new partner
Forcing the children to interact with his new partner, without the mother's knowledge or consent
Withholding child support/ monies for living expenses
Blaming her that HE is not paying child support
Showering children with gifts during visitation
Undermining her rules for the children
Picking up the children at school without telling her
Keeping them longer than agreed on
Abducting the children
Threatening to take custody away from the victim if she does not reconcile with the abuser
Blaming her for their health/ emotional problems
Telling them she is an alcoholic, addict, or mentally ill
Making frequent court dates to change the parenting plan
Saying she didn’t want them
Physically abusing them and telling them not to tell their mother
Abusing his new partner in front of them
Changing visitation plans suddenly and/ or frequently
SOURCE
(feel free to print this out and show it to your lawyer and family)
Labels: abused, abuser, crazy-making, emotional, fear, lying, tactics, terrorist, violence
Monday, October 23, 2017
Boundary Violations
by: David Mandel
When it comes to domestic violence perpetrators everyone wants to know: how dangerous is he? Or more specifically, what kind of violence is he likely to do in the future? Domestic violence survivors and their children can think and worry about this on a daily basis as they attempt to avoid or minimize the impact of the abusers’ next attack. In the judicial system, agencies such as adult probation look for information which will help them allocate supervision resources towards the most serious and dangerous offenders. Child protection service agencies want to understand whether a domestic violence abuser can be successfully prevented from harming a victim and her children through restraining and protective orders.
While researchers strive to isolate profile factors of abusers who will kill or do serious damage, anecdotal information from survivors of domestic violence continues to be the best common sense source of information about dangerousness. For instance, men who threaten to kill their partners, who have physically assaulted them when they were pregnant or have forced their partners to engage in unwanted sexual behavior are perceived as some of the most dangerous. Men who stalk their victims, willfully violate court orders and assault them in front of others also fall into this category.
What do these men have in common? Is there an aspect or pattern in their behavior that would be useful in assessing the behavior and dangerousness of all abusers? All these behaviors share a distinct quality which can be described as a "boundary violation." A "boundary violation" is an action which by its very nature penetrates the physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries of another person. All types of violence share this characteristic to some degree. By examining the extent, severity and the frequency of the "boundary violations" in the behavior of an abuser, we can begin to see a pattern emerge that may be useful in assessing for future dangerousness as well as the path towards successful intervention approaches with an abuser.
First of all, evaluating an abusive man based on his history of violating his victims boundaries orients the assessment process towards an essential dynamic in domestic violence cases. Webster's Collegiate Dictionary uses the words, "break", "disregard", "interrupt" "disturb", "desecrate" and "rape" in association with the words violation or violate. All these words accurately describe the range of experience of battered women and their children at the hands of their abuser. By engaging in a pattern of abuse, a batterer "breaks, interrupts and disturbs" his victim's control over her own time, energy, physical space and even her thoughts. When we understand domestic violence as a boundary violation, we refocus the community dialogue on the serious impact of the behavior on the victim and her children. Our understanding of the abuser changes from seeing him as someone with a "temper problem" or someone who "lost control" to someone who is breaking the trust of his loved ones. And we are implicitly acknowledging the right and need for women and their children to have their own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual boundaries.
Second, by knowing how far a particular abuser has gone in his "boundary violations" we can begin to see his dangerousness more clearly. Was he physically violent to his partner when she was pregnant? If he was, he has demonstrated his willingness and ability to strike out against a very vulnerable form of life. Has he stalked his partner against her wishes and in disregard for court orders against him? If he has, he has demonstrated his unwillingness to respond to either his victim’s request for physical space or legal and social injunctions against his invasion of her space. Has he been violent to his partner in front of others including children, friends, family or in public? If the answer is yes, then he has displayed a willingness to humiliate and shame his partner in addition to assaulting her. Has he been sexually assaulting toward his partner? If the answer is yes, then has demonstrated his willingness to override and ignore her most basic and fundamental right: to control her own body. The questions can continue: Has he broken into her house? Has he spied on her? and so on.
Three useful perspectives emerge from examining the extent, severity and frequency of the boundary violations.
First, a profile develops of the offender centered on the most crucial aspects of his behavior. What social, ethical and moral norms is the abuser willing to violate in order to get his own way? What requests from the victim, her children and legal and social authorities is he willing to disregard in order to get what he wants? The more an abuser indicates his willingness to "break, interrupt, desecrate, and disturb" the normal human needs of his victim and accepted legal and social boundaries, the more dangerous he is.
Second, a picture forms of the abuser's level of disconnection from himself and others. To become abusive, a man must forget about everything except his goal of control. Focusing on revenge or proving oneself right takes all precedent over the impact of his behavior on his children or his partner's feelings for him. He disconnects from his other values, and he disconnects from the real long-term impact of his behavior. The more time a man spends disconnected from himself and others, the more dangerous he is. The greater the degree of disconnection the more dangerous he is.
Third, if you analyze the boundaries an abuser is willing to cross, you may also begin to see which boundaries he respects and won't cross. We know that many abusers, when they become aware of the impact of their behavior on their children, begin to make an effort to change. For instance, a study showed that a number of men who had been physically violent before their partner became pregnant stopped their physical violence during the pregnancy. This kind of information can help the court, social service workers and community agencies begin to develop individual and community strategies designed to leverage these pre-existing patterns.
A battered women intuitively understand many of these things. Her fear level can quickly rise when her partner becomes quiet. His disconnection from her and the family may be a precursor of a violent incident. The same may be true for a sarcastic or critical comment. A outside observer may fail to understand how a small, cutting comment telegraphs so much about his willingness to violate her emotional space. Battered women are constantly trying to discover the boundary the abuser will not cross to hurt her or her children. For instance, a victim might strategize "Let me invite our friends over. He's never violent when other people are around," or "I need to call the police because he always leaves me alone for a few months after the police get involved."
Professionals working with domestic violence may benefit from examining the patterns of abusers from the "boundary violations" perspective. This method of organizing our thinking about abusers can enhance our efforts to develop the most effective assessment and intervention strategies in our work to diminish and ultimately stop domestic violence in our society.
Labels: abusers, attack, boundaries, disrespect, harm, lies, trauma, victims, violation, violence
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Infidelity = A Form of Abuse
Infidelity causes pain and suffering. Sometimes, it becomes a form of emotional violence.
By Michael Clanchy and Chris Trotter
The Age (Melbourne, Australia), excerpts under "fair use" to encourage you to read the article, stimulate discussion.
When Joanne finally mustered the strength to end her eight-year relationship with George, she was still displaying all the symptoms of a victim of physical and psychological abuse - anxiety, depression, poor self-esteem and a distorted sense of reality.
Yet George was no typical perpetrator of domestic violence. He had not laid a hand on Joanne during their relationship and only rarely raised his voice to her. Yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her to the point of illness and hospitalisation through his relentless pursuit of a long-standing sexual affair with his work colleague, Davina.
Adultery, deception and romantic triangles are the staple fare of novels, lifestyle magazines and TV dramas. We watch the scenarios unfold for our entertainment and diversion. We sometimes talk with callous fascination about our friends and acquaintances in the same situations. But rarely do we stop to acknowledge the real human pain and suffering that accompanies these events and the cruel consequences that sometimes follow from them.
In many instances, betrayal through infidelity can be very close to what we term domestic violence. Unfaithful parties are often insensitive to the pain they inflict, as are perpetrators of physical and psychological violence. Often the faithful party is as vulnerable and dependent as the victim of repeated bashing. Furthermore, the behaviour patterns of ongoing infidelity often parallel the well-documented stages in the cycle of domestic abuse.
To understand the connection: between infidelity and domestic abuse, we need to look at what infidelity entails. When two people commit to an ongoing relationship, in most cases they commit to sharing certain life activities, and sharing them to the exclusion of others. This exclusivity distinguishes the bond of their affection and partnership.
In Western societies, sexual and physical intimacy, best-friend status, the sharing of personal information and the priority allocation of time, attention and resources usually occurs to the exclusion of others.
Infidelity is essentially a breach of this commitment. The infidelity may be sexual, or it may be emotional, where a partner goes over to a third party, in the sense that they share a primacy of affection, time or other resource, normally reserved for or freely given to a life partner.
Why is infidelity abusive? Why is it sometimes a form of psychological and emotional violence? Because infidelity can be as devastating as a violent attack. It results in humiliation, hurt and loss for the injured partner. The betrayal is usually perceived as a direct attack on the faithful partner's worth as a person and as a partner.
A research project involving in-depth interviews with a number of women and men who have experienced infidelity has been conducted at Monash University. The stories reveal numerous parallels between certain cases of infidelity and cases of psychological and physical abuse.
The research found that common characteristics of abuse and infidelity include:
- The Recurring Cycle. As with domestic violence, infidelity can become an ongoing feature of some relationships.
- Similar Phases. Ongoing infidelity sometimes follows a path similar to the well-documented domestic abuse cycle. A typical cycle might include a tension build-up phase, the infliction of pain, a brief period of remorse and guilt and then the reconciliation phase, followed by a return to tension build-up.
- Apparent Indifference of the Betraying Partner. Apart from brief periods of guilt and remorse after critical incidents of abuse or infidelity, the betrayers/abusers tend to be insensitive to the pain and distress they inflict on their partners. They often continue their infidelity or abuse without accepting responsibility for the anguish they cause.
- Similarity of the Responses of the Injured Parties. Those who stay for significant periods of time with partners who are unfaithful, often display the same psychological and social symptoms exhibited by victims of systematic abuse. Some of these symptoms include:
- deep personal suffering; - low self-esteem and a sense of worthlessness; - a sense of helplessness and a lack of control over their lives; - a dependency on the betraying partner and a need for their approval; and - a distorted sense of reality in which they can begin to believe that their partner's infidelity is their own fault.
In the case of Joanne, for example, over time she began to question what she had done to make her husband want another woman. She concluded she was worthless and unattractive. She blamed herself for being jealous and possessive. She tortured herself to the point where, she said, she thought she would go mad. She had lost sight of the simple reality that George's infidelity was both his choice and a breach of their mutual commitment.
- Breaking the Cycle. Behaviour patterns established by partners in abuse and infidelity situations can be difficult to change. Like domestic violence, unfaithful behaviour does not often cease of its own accord, but calls for definitive action on the part of either the perpetrator, the affected party or both.
Unfaithful behaviour is heavily associated with lies, deception and denial. Overseas research suggests that if a relationship is to survive, the unfaithful partner needs to admit the destructive nature of their behaviour, accept responsibility for its damaging effects and close off inappropriate contact with the third party.
By the same token, the faithful partner needs to signal clearly what behaviour they will accept and what behaviour they will not accept and be prepared to take action consistent with their words.
- Endurance, Strength and Survival. From our circle of family and friends and from stories we read in the papers, we all know of situations of infidelity and abuse that have ended tragically.
Nevertheless, the most encouraging aspects in the Monash University research are the many examples of endurance and survival in the stories of people subjected to the trauma of infidelity.
The survivors have struggled with their pain, some for many years. Most have eventually found their inner strength, have taken some control of their situation and moved on with their lives on their own terms. Some have done this with their existing partners, some without.
Michael Clanchy is a writer and qualified counsellor.
Dr Chris Trotter is a senior lecturer in social work at Monash University (Melbourne, Australia).
Labels: betrayal, emotional abuse, emotional rape, infidelity, lying, violence
